The Willow Tree: A Novel

by Hubert Selby

  Bobby always walked close to Moishe, feeling safe if he could reach out and touch him. It wasnt something he figured out, or tried to understand, it—was simply something he knew instinctively, the streets having sharpened his instincts for staying alive. So he stayed close to Moishe, yet always alert, checking out every movement, every sound, sensing what was around a corner before turning, making sure he stayed clear of any spots where someone could be hiding. He knew no one knew he was here, but this was not only a no mans land where anything was possible, a place nobody really knew except maybe Moishe, but even he didnt know if some crazy person with a hatchet or butcher knife might be hiding in one of these buildings, and there were so many of them, miles and miles of them, even Moishe couldnt know what was happening in all of them at the same time, and even if he did it could change in a minute, no, this wasnt Bobbys hood. This was like a different country, a different language, none of it understood. He knew his hood, knew the faces, the doorways, the cars, a couple of blocks were his turf and the familiarity brought with it a sense of safety, that was why they never left the hood. Born, live and die all within the same couple of blocks. You knew nothing could really be trusted, especially people, so you walk on the balls of your feet behind a bad look. But even that doesnt always work, especially when you dont know if some dudes are looking to kick your ass. Bobby knew. If that could happen then anything could happen here and he had seen on tv how indians hid under snow or twigs…and some dudes in the war hid under the ground, too, and they suddenly jump up and get up side the head of some poor sucker, they just cut his throat, or something, and this sure as hell was a place where somebody could be hiding under the garbage and you wouldnt know it or there could even be a land-mine like on the tv and blow your legs off or jump up in your crotch and blow your dick off and Bobby sure as hell didnt want that to happen so he walked cautiously, always within reach of Moishe, noticing that Moishe always seemed to know exactly where he was going, always knew exactly how to get through the rubble, always sure of what he was doing, never seeming to be uncertain where he was going to put his foot next, and he never seemed to be nervous, never worried about what was happening the way Bobby was, he just kept walking and when he turned he just turned, he didnt stop and look around and wonder, he just made the turn and kept on walking and Bobby just followed but always marking landmarks in his head, trying to remember which way Moishe went, how he angled off here and there, what kind of mark was on the building where he went left, where he went right, and though he stayed close and kept an eye on Moishe, he was as aware as possible of where he was and what his surroundings looked like, and how it changed in the dark.

  Then, as always, it seemed like there was suddenly a few people on the streets, cars moving by and in another couple of blocks they would be in a neighborhood alive with people and traffic and though Bobby remained alert he felt good to be surrounded by people, and Moishe seemed to be more at home, more relaxed, and he extended the bag of fruit to Bobby and he reached in and grabbed a peach and started eating, You ever kill anyone Mush?

  Moishe stopped and looked at Bobby, blinking his eyes in surprise, Kill???? Kill someone?

  Yeah Mush, kill someone.

  Moishe shook his head, No….For long time Im wanting to…but no, I never kill anyone.

  They stood in the middle of the sidewalk, people passing in every direction, all the activity and sounds of the summer evening continuing, Moishe looking intently at Bobby as he stared off in the distance, obviously sorting something in his head. Eventually he turned toward Moishe, Wondering what it be feelin like. I seed guys get snuffed, an they all the time wastin dudes on tv, but I dont be knowin how it feels, whach yo think Mush?

  Moishe was silent for a moment, then shook his head, I dont know. Am thinking many times what its like…sometimes Im feeling my hands around Klaus’ throat and its feeling good to squeeze and see his eyes bulge—Moishe closed his eyes and took a deep breath, exhaled slowly and opened his eyes and shook his head again—No, how it feels I dont know.

  Bobby nodded and they started walking again, Was wonderin is all. I figured a guys been fucked with much as you maybe did some dude in.

  They continued walking, Bobby obviously still turning things over in his mind as he almost absently chewed a peach. After walking a few blocks they reached a playground and sat on a bench in the park area surrounding it. The yelling of kids was louder here but didnt annoy them, Bobby involved in his thoughts and Moishe waiting for the next question, but Bobby kept chewing until there was nothing left but the pit and tossed that in the bag. He watched the people walking by then asked Moishe, How you think I should be gettin the spics?

  Moishes immediate reaction was to tell Bobby he should not try to get them, to forget revenge, but he knew that was not what he needed to say, that it would simply reinforce his determination to get them and create a distance between Bobby and himself. He shook his head, I wouldnt know. Plumbing, wiring, Im doing. Killing I dont know. Moishe smiled at Bobby, TV is showing you maybe. They all the time killing, ya?

  Bobby was too preoccupied to get the humor in Moishes voice, but simply thought about what Moishe had said for a moment, then shook his head, The tv aint worth shit Mush. Im talkin some serious shit. I sure cant takem all on at once, got to be gettinem alone…only way. Bobby pinched his mouth for a moment, then rubbed his chin, Seem like the bes thing be make them suckers sweat, right Mush?—Moishe shrugging—Let them know I be after they ass. Yeah…they must be wonderin where the fuck I be. I be tellin Jesse to spread the word, they be hearin. Yeah, I jus keep checkin with Jesse an he be lettin me know. When Im ready I jus be seein whats goin on an sooner or later I be catchin them suckers alone. Yeah, thas the way, be puttin the big scare inem. For now I jus be stayin with you Mush. Moishe continued looking at Bobby as he tilted his head back for a moment, thinking, then nodded in agreement with himself, then looked at Moishe, Be soundin good to me Mush. Let them suckers be worryin they asses off. Hey Mush, how about us gettin some hot dogs, I be hongry.

  Moishe smiled and got up, For you a hot dog, for me heart burn. No thanks.

  Mush, sometimes you be unamerican.

  Bobby continued with the exercises, pushing himself as much as possible, sometimes pushing so hard he would be unable to move for a minute, but he always continued. Soon he was going out at night, back to the hood. He didnt find his brother the first 2 nights, but he did walk around carefully, staying always in the shadows, avoiding open areas and familiar faces. He carefully studied the familiar streets, trying to notice everything he had always taken for granted, checking out this stoop and that, this staircase to the cellar, where the lamppost was and who had what garbage cans where, the entrance to alleys and did they dead-end or lead to another street or was there a fence at the end and could he get over it easy, or was there a wall and did it have a door or fire escape and what roofs were easy to get to and down from, checking out every doorway, every store in the limited area of his hood. He eased himself across streets and hustled up 4 and 5 flights of stairs as fast as possible, standing on the roof panting and not moving for a few minutes, glad he had made it up the stairs, but annoyed he was still so weak he was unable to move for a couple of minutes, knowing that right then he was defenseless, that the spics find him now, like this, theyd throw his ass off the roof and he breathed deeper, trying to catch his breath faster so he could check out the roof and get his ass where it was safe. He didnt want those muthafuckas surprising him. He had to pick the time and the place. So he checked out the roof, looking at the distance between one building and another, wondering if he could jump if he had to, and how could he be sure until he actually jumped, and he sure as hell couldnt check it out now, so he just eyed it carefully, hoping hed never have to find out because it looked like a hell of a jump, especially since there was a ledge around the edge so he couldnt be gettin a runnin start, but maybe he wouldnt have to try, maybe he could pick them off one at a time on the street, but if he could get them up h
ere wouldnt be no one around to help them, it would just be Bobby and them, one at time and he would pick the time, and they wouldnt know until he had his blade on their neck. He had caught his breath, and had checked out the roof, but lingered a few more minutes savoring the thought of catching one of those muthafuckas up here and hanging his ass over the side of the building, letting him hang over the edge until he could see every little person all that way down and it start looking like a thousand feet an hed be pissin in his pants he be so scared and Bobby would laugh at the sucker and twist his head around an look into his fuckin face so he be seein Bobby, seein him real good and know who it was who was droppin his ass over the side so he could be fallin through the air jus like Maria did, but firs he be fuckin up they face like they did Maria an he fuck withem so bad they be beggin him to throw them off the roof but he/d fuck withem some more the rotten muthafuckas…they gonna be payin for what they did to Maria, you muthafuckin pricks, you goin be payin GODDAMN YOU MUTHAFUCKAS! Whach you be doin that for? Muthafuck….She be so fine…so sweet. She be laughin an makin me feel good all ova—sitting on the edge of the roof, looking down at the cracked and tattered tar paper, head hanging from neck, arms resting on thighs—She so funny sometime. She laugh at jus about anythin an be havin a good time laughin….Damn! Why they do that to you baby? Why they kill you? You be such a sweet young thing an you be my girl they have no right to fuck with you O fuck!!!! O Maria, why you go out that window? What the fuck be happenin baby? I wish I be holding you so you cant go out no window….O baby…the spot between his sneakers was darkened with dots of tears, one after the other rolling slowly down his cheek and hanging for a moment, then falling to the roof and looking back up at the one about to join it. Bobby watched them splat on the black rooftop, flatten and spread out until they were absorbed by the years of dirt, knowing he should wipe his eyes, that he had no business sitting there like that, so defenseless, unable to see more than a few feet because of the tears in his eyes, yet he was so totally and absolutely powerless to move that he had to stay there watching the tears fall the monstrous distance from his face to the rooftop because if he moved he might never be able to hear Marias voice again and right now, sitting there totally exposed to every danger he had been trying to avoid, he was hearing her voice…her sweet girl voice all around him telling him all those fine things she used to say and sometimes it was whispering in his ear, jus like she used to do, and he could not only hear her voice, but feel her breath on his ear, and the tip of her tongue as she brushed his ear with it and giggled, and he closed his eyes and listened, and felt, and saw her as she walked up the street to meet him, smiling, waving, hip hopping and kindda jumpin against his chest and hanging around his neck and she looked so pretty and sounded so nice he jus didnt want to lose it cause it might never be there again, she might go away and never come back an just didnt want to take that chance so he stayed seated on the edge of the roof, eyes closed, tears falling, until he became aware of the sounds coming up from the street, and in the air and sky, and opened his eyes, blinked away a few tears, then wiped his face with the back of his hand and lifted his head and looked around for a few minutes, listening as hard as he could, wanting to be certain she was really gone, then got up and went down to the street.

  He stood in the shadow of the fire escape, leaning against the wall, still a little disoriented, knowing where he was, that he had no business standing there like that, that he knew a thousand people on this block, and they knew him, that any second someone would be coming by and recognize him an maybe they wouldnt be a friend, yet he couldnt move but continued leaning against the wall, trying to will himself to move, to keep moving, but it was as if he was paralyzed and then suddenly the door of the building just a few feet away slammed open and a kid ran out but stopped after a few feet and turned and looked at Bobby, eyes wide, mouth starting to open and Bobby started kicking himself in the ass, knowing Sheltin wouldnt be doin him no harm, but he be yellin his ass off about him standin there an Bobby wished ta fuck he could hide but he knew it was too late so he smiled, chopped a short wave at Sheltin, and walked away hoping ta fuck that Sheltin be keepin his mouth shut long enough for Bobby to be getting round the fuckin corner an haulin ass and as he turned the corner all he heard was the same old street sounds and he ran the short block to the next corner and through an alley he knew would take him to a building with heavy shadows where he stopped for a minute to catch his breath, then started walking as fast as he could, stayin close to the buildings, following the shadows, cursing his stupid ass for gettin caught like that, now everybody be knowing he was back and by now them spics probably knowin too and he had to get his ass back to Mushies, and he continued walking as fast as possible, running and trotting as often as possible until he was once again aware of the silence around him, the only sounds those in the distance. He sat down on the remnants of a barrel in the shadows and caught his breath, so pissed off at himself he couldnt stop panting and being aware of every ache and pain in his body, his chest still feeling like it was going to explode, not having run so much and so fast in a long time, just more evidence he was out of shape, but better than he had been, but still he needed to work out some more and not be so goddamn stupid to let something like that happen, and again his head hung from his neck as he shook it in regret and bewilderment until his breathing eased, and then he suddenly realized that what had happened was perfect, absolutely perfect. The spics be knowin he aroun an they be knowin he after they ass, an Sheltin be the right the fuck on one to be tellin peoples cause they know he not tight with me, jus neighborhood…yeah…yeah….Gauddamn!!!! THAT BE RIGHT THE FUCK ON!!!! ALRIGHT!!! they be thinkin Im some kindda ghos or somethin, just hangin my teeth out at Sheltin like that an disappearin…yeah, that be really fuckin with they mines—Bobby laughed out loud and jumped—I just be goin aroun the hood every onct in a while an grin the fool at some dude an splittin like a ghos. Bobby raised his fist in a victory salute and bopped back to Moishes on the balls of his feet.

  Marias mother trudged up the stairs, her legs heavy, body weary, spirit anguished. Another day survived, a night brooding ahead. At work her mind was not tormented…praise God for the need to concentrate…si, praise God. But the spirit is always anguished. Still, those hours free of the torment…yes free, but the sadness, the desperate and eternal grieving always chilled her stomach and spoke to her heart O Maria, Maria…Blessed Mother of God where is my baby, where are her sparkling eyes and—NO, NO!!! Enough. I will accept what God has given me. No need to seek more. Enough I walk the same stairs my baby ran up and down shouting to her friends, laughing, through the door to her mommys arms. O Sacred Heart, I walk those same stairs, I walk in my babys steps, can you feel that little angel? can you feel my steps upon yours, my heart beating in—Isabella stood before the door of her apartment. Vaguely aware of the perpetual noises around her. Were they loud? Were they heavier than the sadness in her heart? Noise…noise. Can the clatter of people and tv’s silence, or even dim, the ravages of a tortured mind…a tormented heart????

  Her mother was at the sink. The children had been fed and sent to do what they do. Isabella sat. At the table. Did she sigh with the movement? Perhaps…perhaps. Her head slowly raised, the ticking of a clock somewhere gently lifting her chin. But the ticking could not force her lips to smile. The children are fed…thank you momma.

  You are well?

  They are studying?

  Yes. And you?

  Me?—staring at her mother.

  Isabella almost shrugged, almost shrugged her shoulders…almost looked at her mother.

  The old woman dried her hands and filled a cup with coffee and placed it gently in front of her daughter. Isabella stared at the cup. Her mother sat.

  In time Isabellas head raised and she looked at her mothers hands….You can go home if that is your wish momma.

  Home?

  To the Island, the place of your birth, our birth.

  Place of our birth. Yes, many hundreds of years
we are born there, and buried. Our bones take up much space. Very much.

  Isabella raised her head and looked at her mothers eyes, then into them….There is history there. Yes….You said many times you want to leave this madness.

  Yes…many times—The woman closed her eyes for a moment, tilted her head—Yes, without doubt I have said many times I want to leave this madness. But my blood is here. Can I leave my blood for old bones, even if the breeze from the ocean whispers to me? No, I think not Isabella. I must stay with my blood. There are yet 2 more to grow. Blood goes on…and on…does it not?

  Yes….Yes momma…and on. But—suddenly Isabellas shoulders sagged. They were silent. In time the old woman moved her hands through the grief to Isabellas cup and gently nudged it toward her daughter.

  Moishe was aware that he was becoming increasingly restless each time Bobby left to ‘check out the scene’. A bowl of ice cream, with chocolate sauce, didnt really help, nor did sitting and petting the cat. Perhaps it did take the edge off a little, but he always ended up sitting and getting up, sitting and getting up, going to this room, going to that room, listening to the radio, listening to music, reading, but no matter what he did, or didnt do, he was always thinking about Bobby, doing all he could to keep his mind from worrying, but he couldnt keep from thinking about him and what he was doing and what he was planning on doing, and he is just a boy, just a boy, a young boy who shouldnt be thinking about doing those things….But hasnt it always been that way? Hasnt every generation taken young boys and trained them to kill? And is he really so young here? Is this so much different from a war??? and Moishe would shake his head in wonder at a world that does these things