by Hubert Selby
and so again I have a reason to live….
So…somehow we/re surviving—tilts his head back in reminiscence and smiles—but always Im seeing in my picture mind we/re holding hands…ya we/re sitting in the kitchen, maybe morning, maybe night, and sometimes we/re not talking, just sitting and holding hands…and sometimes we/re looking at each other and smiling, and one day we/re laughing and then its already a couple of years Karl-Heinz is dead and we go on….Ya, we got through together me and Gertrude, and….
Moishe smiled warmly at Bobby who was looking at Moishe with admiration, respect and confusion, and they both huddled deeper into their jackets as the wind became stronger and cooler, and after standing for a few moments they started walking home, huddled against the wind, but still experiencing the warmth coming from each other.
Bobby pushed a little harder during his workout the next morning…and he sat on the rowing machine, gasping, panting, forcing himself to go the extra length by visualizing Maria…his sweet little Maria who was so cool and could outslick every chick on the block…oooo she was so sweet and knew how to hug him so he felt good all over…and some more…and summoning up all his hatred for Raul and seeing his fist smashing his face over and over…and even as he hung on the oars waiting to be able to move, he continued to see Rauls battered face.
In the whirlpool he once more relaxed and let go of his body, and the image, and simply felt free as he floated, weightless, his eyes closed, a sense of freedom from everything flowing through him….
until he once again became aware of the warm, whirling water.
When Bobby sat at the kitchen table Moishe noticed he had a pensive, reflective expression on his face, the same look he always had when he was mulling over something. He watched him for a moment, then went to the stove.
Bobby started buttering the fresh rolls, You be out early, eh Mush?
Ya. Is good the rolls, ya?
Right on Mush.
Moishe sat at the table as Bobby ate, Is really changing the weather. Is winter time. Snowing but all wet and everything slides.
Yeah, it figures. Get a couple nice days an soon the wind be whippin your ass an the snow goin down your neck.
Moishe smiled, Ya.
They were quiet for several minutes, Moishe noticing the old look had returned to Bobbys face. Eventually Bobby looked at Moishe, You really be lovin your woman, eh Mush?
Gertrude? Ya, we are loving…all those years we are loving. Is never stopping. Im always loving my Gertrude and shes always loving me.
Bobby closed his eyes and shook his head, That be cool Mush, that—he suddenly stopped and stared at the wall across the room then looked at Moishe, You say it be snowin?
Moishe stared at him, bewildered, Ya…wet. Everyone slide.
Bobby nodded slightly in response, then stared at the wall again for a moment, nodding his head to some inner thought, then suddenly stood up—Yeah—and quickly left the room.
Moishe blinked and stared, and was still sitting in the same position when Bobby came back into the room dressed to go outside, bundled up with gloves and boots. Moishe started to remind him to put on a scarf, then closed his mouth and swallowed as he felt, again, that terrible pain in his gut, the horrible hole chewing its way up to his throat and wrapping it self around his heart.
I gotta be goin out Mush. See you later.
And he was gone. Just like that he was gone and Moishe remained immobile, remembering it was just a few minutes ago, it seemed, Bobby sat down at the table and they were talking and he felt something in his spine and could feel himself trying to explain something and all of a sudden hes gone…gone without his scarf…today with wind and snow hes going out, again, without his scarf…and this time its daylight… daylight…and no scarf around his neck to be used as a weapon against him. Daytime.
They never be expecting me in daytime, no fuckin way. They be so busy tryin to keep they ass warm and dry they not be seein me comin up onem….Yeah, muthafucka number 2 goin be eatin some shit today….
moving quickly and silently through the deserted lots, peering into the wet snow just enough to protect his eyes but still aware of everything around him, always alert to what may be around the next corner, behind him or just out of sight, aware that his enemies did not know he was tracking them.
He suddenly turned south for a block and went through a deserted building, then turned east until he came to an inhabited part of the area just on the fringe of his hood, changing directions as often, and suddenly, as possible until he reached their hood, then kept the breeze at his back as much as possible, constantly checking everything out around him and especially behind him, but wanting to be certain that if he suddenly met someone they would have the snow and breeze in their eyes and face, knowing they would always be looking at the ground. He checked out all the places he knew they hung out, but didnt stay in the area long, always ducking into a known doorway and emerging on another street, sometimes a few streets distant, circling in another direction, knowing that sooner or later he would see one of them and all he had to be was patient and he would have his chance…just be cool and keep checking everything out. It was still early in the day and someone would be going to the store for something…milk, bread, something and all he had to do was stay alert and keep looking through the snow and remind himself that they wouldnt see him until it was too late, but he would be checking them out as soon as they showed their face…and again he turned west and went through an alley and over a fence to come back north then turn west with the breeze and snow at his back, and after a couple of hours of circling and concentrating on his mission to ward of the cold, he saw Luis going into the bodega and stopped in a doorway across the street where he could see the check-out counter, and when Luis was at the register, he started across the street and let him walk a few feet north before rushing across the street and coming up beside him just as he was passing a doorway and Bobby slammed into him and threw him through the doorway and banged Luis’ forehead against the wall, then did it again and again until he was almost unconscious, then quickly dragged him down the hallway and out through the air-shaft to the alley and slammed him against the wall again and allowed him to slump to the ground, still silent, concentrating with all his will and energy on what he was doing, quickly going through Luis’ pockets and taking his knife, then pulling his pants down around his ankles, shoving his face into the ground when he started to moan, then dragging him over a couple of feet when he noticed a pile of shit covered with flies and shoved his face in it, then pulled his head up by the hair and jammed it back in the pile of shit, feeling Luis almost losing consciousness, and slicing a message for Raul on the back of Luis’ jacket: YOU BE DEAD RAUL and started to leave but his hate continued to boil and he struggled to keep aware of what was going on around him but got caught in feeding his hate and was immobilized for a fraction of a second then Luis started to moan and Bobby quickly looked around to see if anyone was behind him, then shoved Luis face back into the shit and stuck the knife in his buttocks and quickly turned and vaulted the fence and ran through the adjoining building and through its cellar until he came back to the street south and west of the alley, not rushing too fast along the street, but again becoming a part of the traffic, knowing Luis would be unable to move for a few minutes and when he tried to stand he would trip over his pants and fall down and by then Bobby would be long gone as he was right now, turning a corner and once more keeping the breeze at his back and going down an alley that took him in a southeasterly direction and would terminate by an empty lot with a large outdoor advertising sign and piles of rubbish and large cardboard cartons and packing crates that bums lived in from time to time, then turned west until once more the sounds of traffic were distant and he was the only one walking the streets.
Most of the snow melted instantly upon hitting the street, but there was a thin layer of white on the cold ground of the deserted area and the abandoned buildings had a fairy tale quality to them perceived through the fa
lling snow, splotches of white on cracks, ledges and protruding bricks and piles of debris and Bobby continued rushing through the snow, still feeling excited, exhilarated and sweating from his encounter with Luis, continuing to look around, alert and aware of his surroundings, and the more he looked around the more he slackened his pace until he stopped, about a block away from Moishes, and stood still feeling the snow brushing against his face, refreshing him, looking at the buildings through this same snow, feeling slowly more and more detached from his surroundings, feeling absorbed by the scene that surrounded him, how it made everything that had just happened seem so distant, so far away, so unreal, like it was all some sort of kids cartoon and everything was soft and quiet and happy ever after and they just cant never be no rats in those walls…not now or ever…just no rats in the walls….
continuing to walk slowly through the snow, feeling as if each flake was brushing his cheek then moving aside to let him through, as if each flake was his friend and there to help him do whatever he had to do and he stopped again and tilted his head back and opened his mouth and let the snow drift down to his throat or lay on his tongue, blinking his eyes against the flakes, and feeling as if there was music going through him, music that he wasnt hearing, but somehow feeling, some sort of easy music like some of those far out gospel singers, those really righteous groups and he could feel himself humming something as he once again started moving, feeling safe in the open spaces between the crumbling and deserted buildings, knowing there was nothing for anyone to be hiding behind, no way anyone could be running from the nearest building to where he was without him seeing them and knowing exactly what to do and exactly where to go. He was in the wide open spaces, the most wide open space left in the city, completely visible to anyone who might be looking, even in the falling snow, but even if there was someone looking he was absolutely safe so he walked slowly towards Moishes, from time to time tilting his head back and opening his mouth to the falling snow, feeling it go down his neck but not caring because he knew he would soon be home where it was warm and dry, yet increasingly aware of how the cold had penetrated him to the bone, now that he wasnt using his energy to ignore it and accomplish his mission, and now the breeze was becoming a wind and every breath was even more chilling, but still he stopped occasionally and tilted his head and felt and tasted the snow, until he was going down the stairs to the cellar. After taking a couple of steps, he stopped, for a second, then turned and went back to the stairs and looked out at the snow and the buildings that were visible, buildings he knew were a dirty red but looked sort of rosy through the pale gray whiteness of the snow-filled air. He stared at the snow, the buildings, watching the flakes drift the final few feet to the ground or the railing by the steps, and sometimes disappear, then raised his eyes again to watch another snow flake flutter its way to the ground, fascinated by the whole procedure, thinking of a snow flake starting way in the hell up there wherever they come from and travel all that way just to disappear into the ground, or some day melt and flow to the sewers, but right now it was nice to look at, so peaceful and quiet and made the air feel like a feather against your cheek—an make everything look so nice, so different than the way you know it looks but it was nice to have it look this way for a while…at least for a while….
eventually he turned and went back to the apartment.
Moishe was determined not to sit and think about Bobby while he was gone. He went to his workshop and kept busy putting together some shelving for a friend and customer, playing the radio a little louder than usual hoping to drown out his thoughts, reminding himself to concentrate, that his friend deserved the very best Moishe could do, and so he worked carefully, methodically.
It went well for a couple of hours but soon his stomach reminded him of the passage of time, but was afraid to stop to eat lunch for fear without distractions he would fall into the pit of worry and never get out and so he continued working, suddenly dropping the sanding block and jerking around when he heard the door opening.
Moishe reached the kitchen after Bobby had taken off his wet clothes and hung them by the door and he could hear him in the workout room….and recognized the sound of water going into the whirlpool. He looked at the wet jacket and hat for a second, then went into the other room. Bobby was in the tub, the water still coming in and rising up his chest. Moishe noticed instantly that he was sweating.
Youre alright?
Yeah, sure Mush. I be fine.
Moishe looked at him for a moment, nodding his head, Needing another whirlpool, ya?
Yeah. I need be gettin warm an this be the bes way.
Ya—nodding his head—Ya—staring at Bobby, not knowing what to say but feeling the need to say something—Im making us some hot soup, ya?
That be good Mush. Yeah, I be goin for that.
Moishe struggled with his feelings as he started heating soup, not wanting them to force him to say or do something he had no business doing or saying, keeping as deeply involved as possible in what he was doing at the moment.
Bobby sat in the warm water, feeling it rise higher and higher, feeling the heat penetrate deeper and deeper into his body….waiting for it to get high enough to turn on the jets…feeling his body get lighter and lighter as the water continued to rise…and then he turned them on and the water started flowing around him and all the remaining chill left his body, as did the tension, and he leaned back and allowed the water to relax him and for a moment he concentrated on the smell of the soup, but soon he was becoming less and less aware of his surroundings, less and less aware of his body…more and more detached from it and everything else, that lovely state he sometimes experienced when he sat in the whirling warm water, that state of knowing he was Bobby, but some other Bobby that seemed like he was more Bobby than the one he was familiar with, and all the trips of each day seemed to be gone, like there were no streets, no alleys, no rats, not even any walls or sky, like things just, were, and so he allowed the water to lift his body and he simply allowed himself to go where he went, hoping he could stay there as long as possible….
Eventually he felt himself becoming more and more aware of his surroundings, feeling the water, smelling the soup, and, eventually, his butt feeling tender from sitting in the tub, and aware of thoughts going through his head….that no one would be expecting him to go back tonight, that all he had to do was fill up on some hot soup, cool it for a couple of hours, then go back just about sunset….or maybe a little before, and grab Antonio…yeah, he had the strongest feeling it would work out perfect, that he would be able to get Antonio alone somewhere in his hood, he knew it, he just knew it in his bones….Yeah, there was no doubt it would all work out perfectly. He would be able to just grab him before he knew what was happening and fuckim over and then let Raul sweat for a while…yeah…thats the way it was. Perfect. He leaned back in the tub and smiled, raising his right fist in the air.
Moishe watched Bobby silently eating, aware that he was constantly glancing at the clock as if he had some important appointment to keep…and the expression on his face obviously meant Bobby was thinking of something, planning something, and was totally preoccupied with it and Moishe was going to have to struggle not to ask what he was thinking, determined to keep his mouth shut and—
Good soup Mush…it be nice an hot.
Good. Im glad youre liking—embarrassed by the hysteria he heard in his own voice.
It be cold out there. Thought my ass never be gettin warm.
Ya—straining to control his voice—Youre going a long time.
Yeah—pursing his lips and looking over Moishes head—But it be worth it—smiling, eyes narrowing—Two muthafuckas taken care of…2 more…actually one more then I be gettin Raul—peering at the joint of wall and ceiling—He be thinkin he outsmart me, but I knows what I be doin….
Moishe stared at Bobby, as he stared at the clock for a moment, then nodded his head, Jus about be dark about now…specially with the snow cant hardly be seein anythin about now—nodding
his head again and slowly getting up from the table. He put on his jacket and knitted hat and gloves and opened the door, Be seein you later Mush, and left.
Just like that he leaves and Im sitting here hoping O Bobby…Bobby….
Bobby had only walked a few hundred yards when he became aware of the cold, the wind blowing much stronger now, the temperature dropping, and the snow being whipped around by the cross currents of wind blowing through the buildings and down the canyons of streets. He cupped his hands over his nose from time to time, being assaulted not only by the cold wind, but the memory of how cold he had gotten earlier in the day, how it had started getting painful to just keep moving, his nose and ears starting to feel like they were going to fall off, having to pound his hands together or hug himself to keep warm, and fight the temptation to stay in a warm hallway, if he found one, so now, only a few hundred yards, and a few minutes, from home, he felt the chill of the night penetrating his bones.
There was still a hint of light in the western sky and he figured it would be a good time to get back where he had been, nobody sees so good this time of night, very easy to make little mistakes in what you see, and they sure as hell would not be expecting him to show his face jus a few hours after taking care of Luis and Bobby chuckled to himself at the image of Luis laying in the alley, his pants down around his ankles and his own knife stuck in the cheek of his skinny ass. But that was before and this is now and he had to be careful and not fuck up or hed be dead meat, no doubt about that. He had to really check everything out no matter how cold he got, and he couldnt help thinking that if he was this cold now how cold would he be in half an hour, or an hour, or more if he had to stay out that long…but he knew he had to go back tonight, he knew it in his gut and in his bones, that this was the perfect time to get Alfredo, there was no doubt about that so he pushed himself a little more to keep walking and to keep his eyes open and moving all the time, utilizing his advantage to the fullest, the advantage of being the hunter. Yeah, he had a big advantage, but it wouldnt mean shit if he didnt stay aware and keep checking out every shadow, every corner, every angle.