by Rebecca Lang
Aware that Dan was looking at her from the doorway, she didn’t look up. What on earth were they going to say to each other? Not usually at a complete loss for words, she felt oddly mute, as though words were somehow inadequate.
Sensitive to his movements, she noted that he went over to the CD player and soft classical music filled the void, the nostalgic sweep of violins. Yes, that was perfect, she thought with an inward, tremulous sigh. The sound suited her mood perfectly. Now we don’t have to speak, she thought, relieved. Slowly she felt herself relax and sipped her tea. Even when Dan came to sit at the other end of the long sofa, putting his feet up comfortably on a stool, she felt all right. It was as though the music united them and yet formed a barrier at the same time, each able to retreat into a private fantasy world created by it.
When it had come to an end, he said, ‘I hope you don’t hate me too much.’
Casting around for an answer, she came up with the only thing she could say. ‘I don’t know,’ she said, her voice small.
He put on more music. In the few moments that he was away, she readjusted her position so that she sat with her legs curled up comfortably underneath her, with several cushions supporting her back. Knowing she wouldn’t be able to sleep if she went back to bed, at least she might be able to doze here in front of the fire until it was time to get up.
When she had finished the tea she resolutely closed her eyes, letting the music fill her mind, trying to blot out her very acute awareness that Dan sat a few feet away from her. It was sobering that she hadn’t disliked being kissed by him.
The next morning, having slept after all on the sofa, she found that Dan had already gone out and had left a note for her in the kitchen. It said that she and Terri should report to the emergency department at the hospital at ten o’clock, where they would meet Max, who would spend the day there with them.
Signy found that she had mixed feelings about spending the day with Max, yet her predominant one was of an odd sort of relief. In the note Dan reminded her that they would be returning to Kelp Island on Friday. Since it was only eight o’clock, she had two hours in which to shower, have breakfast and get herself over to the hospital.
As she went through the routine of getting ready for work she pondered the apparent fact that she was gradually making a shift from her former life to the present one. The image of Simon, with his fair good looks, the golden youth that he had seemed to be, was becoming dimmer in her mind’s eye. They both seemed to her now to have been so naïve, to have given no thought to what they would do, how or where they would live, if they decided to break up and dissolve their mutual home.
With Dominic, the change was less, but change there was. A momentary sense of disloyalty assailed her, before the realization that she had done everything she could have done, to the point perhaps of stupidity, to help Dominic in his hour of need. Where others had left, she had remained. There had been nothing more she could have done.
Perhaps she’d had an over-developed sense of responsibility for Dominic. That was really absurd, because he had been an adult, older than her. He should have known what he’d been doing, the extent of the risks he’d taken. For his part, he might have known that others in the team would put themselves at risk for him. Still, she didn’t feel like thanking Dan for pointing it out because she wasn’t sure of his motives.
Signy sighed as she drank coffee and dried her hair with her hair-dryer at the same time. When her hair was dry, soft and fluffy, she applied a little make-up to her face. It was her intention to get to the hospital early so that she could meet up, maybe, with other members of her group in the hospital dining room. Sharing a cottage with Dan was making her life a little too intense. She wanted the company of female colleagues for a while.
Unfortunately, the first person to greet her as she sat down in the dining room with another cup of coffee, with none of her colleagues in sight, was Sal.
‘Hi! Signy!’ The ebullient Sal sat down with her. ‘How are you? And…’ she leaned forward conspiratorially ‘…more to the point, how is the gorgeous Dan?’
It took will-power for Signy not to blush before those gimlet eyes as she had a vision of herself in Dan’s arms, then curled up on a sofa, with him at the other end of it. What fun Sal would have with that! It would be all around the hospital, embellished with lurid detail, in no time at all.
‘I hardly see him,’ she said airily, ‘so I wouldn’t know. He leads a hectic life.’
‘You know, I was beginning to think that he and Marianne Crowley were going to get together again,’ Sal said, ‘because they seemed to be spending a lot of time together. But I reckon he’s not ready to make a commitment—he seems to be backing off again. He seems to be one of those guys who’s got his life all mapped out, and he won’t let himself fall for a woman a moment sooner that he’s planned. You know the type.’
Signy nodded.
‘Maybe he’ll be one of those guys who waits till he’s about forty-five, then he’ll marry a twenty-two-year-old girl who’s besotted with him, get her to have three or four kids, one after the other, to make up for lost time. Then one day she wakes up and realizes that she’s married to an old man and that she hasn’t had any fun, and isn’t likely to.’ Sal gave a cackling laugh. ‘Then she decides to divorce him, and he fights her like hell, with his age and money to back him up, for custody of the kids. And she hasn’t got any work experience behind her.’
It was impossible to be annoyed with her, so Signy grinned back. ‘You missed your vocation. You should be writing scripts for soap operas.’
‘Maybe I should at that.’ Sal laughed. ‘But I’m talking about real life. There’s nothing fictitious about that scenario, believe you me. It’s so predictable, it’s pathetic. Yet those women act surprised when it happens to them. You coming to the OR today?’
‘No, it’s the emergency department, with Max Seaton.’
‘Oh!’ Sal raised her eyes in ecstasy. ‘Could I tell you a thing or two about Max Seaton!’
Signy groaned and rose to her feet. ‘Please, don’t,’ she said. ‘Must go.’
Terri was already there when she got to the department, as were Pearl and Max. They greeted her like one long lost.
‘We’re going to look around to get ourselves orientated to this place,’ Pearl explained. ‘Then we’ll wait at the front desk here to see what comes our way.’
‘Sounds good to me,’ Signy said.
She found herself wondering where Dan was working today. Perhaps from now on he would avoid her as much as the job allowed. Well, that was quite all right with her, she told herself as the three of them began an exploration of the small yet very efficient-looking emergency department. She would be doing the same thing.
‘I want to go up some time today to see those two men who were attacked by the cougar,’ Signy said to Terri. ‘Just to see how they’re progressing. Do you want to come?’
‘Yep. I went last night. They both look in a bit of a mess, black and blue and with all the sutures, but the wounds don’t seem to be getting infected,’ Terri said. ‘I expect they’ll stay in here for a while.’
On Friday, as planned, the small group of nurses prepared to go back to Kelp Island. Signy hadn’t worked again directly with Dan, and on the Friday morning she found herself saying goodbye to him at the cottage and formally thanking him for letting her stay there. Even as she said the words, she felt the irony in them as Dan looked at her with a certain expression on his face that told her they wouldn’t have found themselves in a compromising situation if he hadn’t invited her to stay there, which he now regretted. His manner clearly indicated that the intention hadn’t been there from the beginning. As for herself, she found that she couldn’t make eye contact with him for more than few seconds without a flush staining her cheeks.
‘I expect to be back on the island myself on Sunday evening,’ he said. ‘On Monday and Tuesday you’ll be getting some instruction from either me or Max, then you’ll be coming back to Br
ookes Landing from time to time, and maybe some smaller communities even farther up the coast.’
‘That will be nice,’ she said sincerely. ‘I’ve enjoyed being here, it’s been an interesting experience.’
‘Good,’ he said, with a voice that to her sounded cold.
It was good to be back on the island, in the yellow and pink room that she was coming to think of as hers, a place she would be sorry to leave. Maybe in the future she would paint her next bedroom yellow and pink, if it belonged to her. The other women in Moose Head hut gathered for tea and then retired to catch up on mail of all types and to rest.
Signy went to Reception to see Sabrina, and found that there were four letters for her from her parents and friends. On the way her eyes turned to Holly Berry, standing on the opposite side of the clearing by itself, where Dan stayed when he was in residence. The unlived-in look of the place gave her an odd feeling, a momentary sense of the isolation of the island, surrounded as it was by the vast ocean. Maybe, she told herself, she felt that way because he was one of the few people she knew in the place, not because she missed him or liked him. Beggars couldn’t be choosers.
Back in her room she checked her e-mails, and spent some time sending messages. After putting a note under Terri’s door, asking her if she wanted to go for a walk to a beach later, she fell asleep on the bed. It was easier to sleep during the day when a comforting light came through the window and her eyes could light on familiar objects before she allowed herself to drift away.
When she got up again, Terri had put a note under her door saying that, yes, she would love to go for a walk and that they should bear in mind the need to get back before dusk. She suggested a time to meet in the sitting area of the hut.
Signy got her things together—her clothes, her survival gear, the flashlight, the alarm and whistle, the cellphone, the map, a bar of chocolate and a bottle of water in a knapsack.
‘There seems to be a touch of autumn in the air,’ Terri commented later as they trudged along a path in the woods, going at quite a fast pace. ‘Some of the leaves are changing colour and some have fallen.’
‘That’s it, I think,’ Signy said, walking closely behind Terri. ‘More of these trees are deciduous than I thought at first, though the conifers seemed to dominate.’
When they finally burst out of the woods onto the beach area, confronted by the breathtaking spectacle of the rolling surf, they sat down under a tree to rest, hugging their knees, sheltered there from the stiff breeze that whipped at their clothing.
‘I’m glad you suggested this walk, Signy,’ Terri said after a few minutes, ‘because I want to talk to someone. I feel that if I don’t talk I’m going to burst, and I know you’re a good listener and wouldn’t repeat what’s said to you. Of course, if you’d rather not be my confidante, just say so. I wouldn’t want to burden you with it otherwise. And if you feel the need to talk, maybe we can be of some help to each other.’
Signy nodded, looking sideways in commiseration at the young woman whom she now considered a friend, finding it hard to realize that they had only known each other for a short time. There was the familiarity between them of their shared work background. That counted for a lot.
Terri’s short, spiky hair was blowing in the wind, as was her own.
‘You want to talk about East Timor?’ she asked.
‘Yes.’
‘I don’t know whether I’ll be of much help to you,’ Signy said honestly. ‘I’ll try. I know that just listening helps, and I can listen. Shall we walk along the beach a bit first, then we’ll find another quiet spot.’
They held their faces up to the sky, letting the blustery wind catch them in its embrace. It seemed to blow away the past, here in this primal place that seemed to bear no memory of man, where raw nature reigned supreme because it was mightier than puny man—arbitrary, totally impersonal.
‘This place cuts one down to size, doesn’t it?’ Signy said, letting herself go with the feeling. ‘It’s a place without much human history.’ For hundreds of years it had been held in the roar of the mighty sea. It was a place of dramatic storms, earthquakes out to sea, the threat of earthquakes on land. ‘It’s so different from Africa…the birthplace of mankind.’
‘Yeah.’
When they sat down to talk, Signy had already made up her mind that she would listen to Terri and then she would tell her about Simon and Dominic—not so much about Africa and work as about her mixed-up emotions, her all-pervading sadness.
On the return journey through the forest they walked quickly, not wanting to find themselves among the trees at dusk, the place already being gloomy. They both felt emotionally heightened yet oddly at peace for having talked to each other, woman to woman.
‘I’ve been wanting to ask you something,’ Terri said, puffing a bit as they drew abreast on a wider section of the path, not slackening their pace. ‘You can tell me to mind my own business if you like, but I’m curious. You know you said that Dr Blake was spending a fair amount of time with you because he wants to watch you, see how you shape up?’
‘Mmm,’ Signy said, out of breath. ‘Ooh, I must be less fit than I thought, I’m really puffed.’
‘I think he likes you,’ Terri went on. ‘Seriously. Yes, he does watch you, but to me it doesn’t look the way you say—it seems to me that it’s the interest of a man in a woman. Pure and simple. I thought I would mention it in the light of what you’ve just told me about those two other guys in your past. Maybe you can’t see it because of them.’
‘Oh, I don’t think so, Terri,’ she protested, thinking that a kiss didn’t necessarily mean much when a man and a woman were in close proximity. It was almost an accident, not premeditated. ‘I don’t think he really likes me. Why would he, when he hardly knows me and I’m one of a group? There must already be a lot of women in this part of the world who are just waiting to get even a hint from him that he’s available. Our friend Sal is a case in point.’
‘Oh, she should get out more,’ Terri said, laughing.
‘Anyway, I really can’t stand him,’ Signy went on. ‘Oh, he’s a good doctor all right, a very good teacher, a man of integrity, probably very reliable in the field…brave, I expect, a nice enough man, if you like that sort of thing.’
‘Why can’t you stand him?’ Terri said, looking at her curiously. ‘I think he’s a really nice bloke…even with that nose.’ She laughed again. ‘In fact, it sort of adds something to him.’
‘Yes, it does,’ Signy admitted, smiling. ‘He’s so…sort of too self-contained…I can’t really explain it…You feel that in every situation he would be right on top of things.’
‘What’s wrong with that?’
‘I don’t know—except that maybe he would make you feel inadequate.’
‘Better than the anxiety of being with someone you suspect, or know, will let you down most of the time. Maybe you’re attracted to boys in adult bodies, Signy.’ Terri laughed to lighten her insight, and Signy joined in, a little uncomfortably.
‘Perhaps.’
‘Many a true word spoken in jest,’ Terri added. ‘Dan’s all man, but not macho with it—or arrogant. That’s pretty rare.’
‘True,’ Signy conceded, more disturbed by Terri’s comments than she knew how to deal with at that moment.
‘Maybe you’re scared of a real man because you think you can’t cope. Maybe someone like him is just what you need,’ Terri said. ‘An affair with him, short and sweet, would put those two other guys in their place pretty quickly. You say he doesn’t like you. Well, I suspect you could make him more than like you without too much trouble. After all, we’ll be out of here before anything too heavy could develop. This isn’t a place where we can hang about.’
‘One can get too heavy pretty quickly,’ Signy said doubtfully, and they both burst out laughing. ‘Although I don’t think that would be the case with Dan.’
Don’t be so sure, a small voice in her own mind warned her. In quiet moments she found hersel
f mulling over the feel of him when he’d held her, his firm mouth on hers. In her conversation with Terri she hadn’t told her about that, and now the omission made her feel awkward. A flush came to her face, adding to the flush of physical exertion.
‘This is ridiculous, Terri,’ she said.
‘Don’t just dismiss it, Signy. I’m serious.’
After a few minutes they both started to chuckle again. ‘You know, I’m glad we talked. I feel light-hearted, as though I can’t stop laughing,’ Terri said.
‘Same here.’
‘Let’s have a glass of wine when we get back. I’ve got some stashed away. Don’t forget what I said about Dan. He would be good for you. I fully intend to have a little dalliance with Max. I know just where I am with him.’
Struck dumb by this remark, Signy—who was a couple of paces ahead—grinned at Terri and set out at a faster pace.
CHAPTER SEVEN
IT WAS really great to have some time off again, to walk, to sleep, to talk to the other nurses, to send messages by computer to the outside world. Signy, along with the others, made notes and did reading that had been assigned to them as part of the course.
On Sunday evening, Signy noted that Dan must have arrived when she saw lights on in his hut. Later he appeared in the mess hut for supper with them. She didn’t sit with him or speak to him. It seemed to her that he was making a point of avoiding her, which was successful, and she was doing the same with him.
For the whole of the next week they had lectures, informal talks, seminars and discussion groups about safety and strategies in the field. Some of these activities were conducted by Max or Dan, still others by visiting lecturers who came to the island for one day at a time. Dan wasn’t there continuously as he had to get back to Brookes Landing to see his patients and to help with emergencies. During these absences Signy felt herself relax, she wasn’t sure exactly why. Yet whenever she left Moose Head, she found her eyes going to Holly Berry, searching it for signs of occupation.