Smudge inspected Carlos from head to toe. “Ooh! CC! You look snappy!”
“I don’t feel snappy,” Carlos grouched. His collar squeezed him tighter and tighter. “I feel achy. All over. Even my hair hurts.”
“Well, I think you’re snappy from head to bootstrap-y!” Smudge could always be counted on to be enthusiastic. “Hop on and we’ll get going.”
Carlos did as he was told. First, he belted to the dragon’s back a saddle made from pink yarn. It was one of Smudge’s knitting projects.
Then he stuffed Hortense’s birthday present into the saddlebag and climbed onto Smudge’s back.
“This day is going to be awful,” Carlos grumbled.
“No, it won’t,” Smudge said.
“Yes, it will,” Carlos replied.
“No, it won’t, CC,” Smudge said. “Do you know why?”
Carlos struggled with his collar button. It wouldn’t budge. “Why?”
“Because we’re bestest buddies!” Smudge put a little bounce in his walk. “And we’re together! And that is the bestest thing ever!”
“Well, that’s true,” Carlos admitted.
“Aaaaand,” Smudge continued, “we’re going to pick up our other bestest buddy, Pinky! So we’ll soon be three bestest buddies! Three bestest buddies being bestest buddies together!
“And that is the bestest!” Smudge added.
“Yeah,” Carlos admitted again.
Pinky was the princess of Ever-After Land. She was being forced to go to Dire Dominion, too.
If anyone can help me get through this fart-stinky party, it’ll be Pinky, Carlos thought.
Carlos’s mood improved a little.
Then, with a grunt, he finally unfastened his collar button. He could breathe again.
His mood improved a little more.
Now that the collar didn’t distract him so much, Carlos noticed other things. He found a small bulge in the breast pocket of his jacket. He reached inside to see what it was.
“Huh,” Carlos mused. “How did my hand buzzer get in here?”
“I put it there,” Smudge replied.
“Why?”
Smudge made a little “pfft” noise, as if the answer was super-obvious. “Because it’s fun!” the dragon announced. “You’re going to a party, right? Parties are supposed to be fun!”
A few minutes later, Smudge trotted past Faraway Kingdom’s royal barn. The barn doors were lying on the ground. They had been knocked from their hinges.
“What happed over there?” Carlos asked.
“Oh, didn’t ya hear?” Smudge said. “The royal horse escaped last night.”
Carlos gasped so sharply that he sucked in a dragonfly. “What?!” he sputtered, hacking up bug guts. “Cornelius escaped? Have they found him? Do they know here he is?”
“No, but don’t worry. They say he’s lurking nearby,” Smudge said with a nod.
“Cornelius is lurking nearby?” Carlos’s eyes darted from one possible hiding spot to another. “He’s waiting for me! He wants to get me! You know how much it hurts when you stub your toe?”
“Uh-huh.” Smudge nodded.
“Well, Cornelius wants to stub my whole body!”
“Cornelius wants to whole-body stub you?” Smudge asked. “What for?”
“What for?!” Carlos exclaimed. “We’ve talked about this a million times! That horse hates me!”
“Why? Because of that time you hand-buzzered his butt?” Smudge asked.
“Yes,” Carlos answered.
“But that was only a little prank,” Smudge replied.
“But then there was—” Carlos began.
“The time you threw an acorn at his butt?” Smudge asked.
“Yes,” Carlos said.
“But that was to rescue me,” Smudge replied.
“But don’t forget—” Carlos began.
“The time you kicked a rock and it hit his butt?” Smudge asked.
“Yes!” Carlos nearly shouted.
“But that was an accident,” Smudge replied.
“But then there was—” Carlos began.
“The time I set fire to his butt?” Smudge asked.
“YES!” Carlos shouted.
“But that wasn’t even you,” Smudge replied. “I burned Cornelius’s butt with my hot bref.”
“Yes, I know,” Carlos said. “But you burned him because I startled you. Cornelius blames me for that.”
A leaf crinkled somewhere beyond the trees. Carlos flinched. “That horse is just waiting for the right time to get me. And when he gets me, he’s going to whole-body stub me.”
“Don’t worry, CC!” Smudge said. “I won’t let nobody whole-body stub you. That’s what bestest buddies are for. To keep their bestest buddy’s body from getting the stubbin’s. That’s just common sense.”
That made Carlos feel a little better, but only a little.
As Smudge trotted on toward Ever-After Land, Carlos kept scanning the trees, searching for any sign of a vengeful horse.
CHAPTER 4
Carlos began to breathe more easily once they crossed into Ever-After Land. It was easy to relax here. The kingdom was as pretty as one of Pinky’s oil paintings. Everywhere he looked, he saw vibrant greenery waving in the gentle breeze.
Carlos was also relaxed because, unlike the thick forests of Faraway Kingdom, Ever-After Land was made up of farms. Long, straight rows of vegetables stretched to the horizon.
I’m safe from Cornelius now, Carlos thought. A horse can’t hide behind a carrot stalk.
Minutes later, they arrived at Ever-After Castle. Pinky stood on the edge of the drawbridge, looking miserable. She was wedged into a shining pink gown. Her ebony skin glowed. Her black hair, braided, pinned, and piled impossibly high, was topped with a pink tiara. On her feet were pink glass shoes.
Carlos’s mouth dropped open. This was the first time he had ever seen Pinky wearing anything besides paint-spattered overalls.
“Wow” was all he could say.
Smudge, on the other hand, had plenty to say. “Oh, Pinky! That dress! Those shoes! That tiara! You look like a starry night! A twinkly holiday! A chandelier with every candle aglow!”
“Thanks,” Pinky replied. She pulled herself into the saddle behind Carlos. She dumped a small, wrapped present into the saddlebag.
Carlos cleared his throat. “You, um, do look very nice,” he told her. “I mean, you always look nice. But you also look nice like this.”
“Thanks,” Pinky said again. “But I hate everything about this outfit. Especially the shoes. Whoever came up with the idea of glass shoes? My feet are killing me. And what if they break? It’s like walking on danger!”
“Walking on danger?” Carlos asked.
“Hey, I can’t think straight when my feet hurt!” Pinky grouched. Then she groaned. “Okay. Let’s get this fart-stinky thing over with.”
“Okeydokey!” Smudge exclaimed as he skipped down the country path. “Yay! Three bestest buddies together at last! Next stop, Dire Dominion!”
* * *
Smudge was true to his word. He paused only once on the long journey: He needed to know what a dandelion smelled like.
The dragon frowned. “It doesn’t smell like anything,” he sighed. “There should be a law against flowers not smelling like anything.”
“A law?” Carlos couldn’t help but smile.
“Yuh-huh.” Smudge nodded. “Someone should spray these flowers so they smell like something nice. Like bacon, or chocolate. Or chocolate bacon.”
“Or flowers?” Pinky asked.
“I guess.” Smudge shrugged. “But I’d prefer my flowers to smell like chocolate bacon.”
* * *
They continued on, through tunnels and over bridges, across fields and down twisty roads. The views were beautiful.
Then, all of a sudden, the views stopped being beautiful.
The land grew dusty and rocky. The trees were cut down. Carlos, Pinky, and Smudge found themselves trudging
through a depressing field of spongy, rotten stumps.
Everything is brown and gray, Carlos thought. He looked up to the clouds. Even the sky is brown and gray.
“We must be close,” Pinky muttered.
“Yup,” Smudge said. “There it is.”
Dire Dominion’s outer wall loomed in the distance. It stretched from one end of the horizon to the other and was made up of nothing but tree trunks. The trunks were sunk into the ground. They were tied together so tightly that no daylight could shine between them.
The wall was at least thirty feet high. Maybe higher. It encircled the entire dominion.
“Look at that,” Pinky said. “They must’ve killed a hundred thousand trees to make that wall.”
“Probably more,” Carlos said. “The dominion is pretty big.”
“What a waste! They destroyed a whole forest to make that ugly thing!” She was furious now. Pinky liked to paint landscapes. In her view, nothing was more beautiful than a forest.
“YOU THERE! DON’T MOVE!” a voice bellowed. It came from the other side of the wall.
The main gate groaned open. A soldier with the broad shoulders of a gorilla emerged. He was dressed in animal fur. Or maybe he was just a very hairy person. Carlos wasn’t sure.
A sword hung from the soldier’s belt. Also on his belt were half a dozen daggers, a mace, and an ax. The soldier held a crossbow, which he pointed at Smudge’s head.
“Oh … um … hai.” Smudge gulped.
“Dragons aren’t allowed in Dire Dominion,” the soldier growled. “They are to be killed on sight.”
He took careful aim.
“Wait!” Carlos shouted. “You can’t do that! We’re guests of Queen Cayenne!”
“Those are Queen Cayenne’s orders,” the soldier said. “Her husband, the great King Hubert, was killed by a dragon. So we are commanded to kill any and all dragons in the dominion.”
“But we’re not in the dominion!” Carlos said.
“You’re near the dominion,” the soldier said. “You’re headed toward the dominion.”
“Near is not the same as in!” Pinky said. She leapt from Smudge’s back and strode toward the soldier with great purpose. “Did the queen say kill all dragons in the dominion or kill all dragons near the dominion?”
The soldier wavered for a moment. “In,” he said. “In the dominion.”
“Are we in the dominion?” Pinky asked.
“No,” he admitted.
“We aren’t in the dominion, but you were going to kill the dragon anyway!” Pinky poked a manicured finger into the soldier’s furry chest. “Do you know how much trouble you are in right now?”
“I’m not in trouble!” the soldier protested, suddenly nervous.
“Oh, you’re not?” Pinky gave the man another poke. “You were going to kill our dragon outside the dominion. Even though Queen Cayenne told you to kill dragons inside the dominion! You are disobeying the queen!”
“No, I wasn’t,” the soldier cried. “Not really!”
“Disobeying the queen is a crime! You are committing a crime!” Pinky shouted this for all the world to hear. “And I have a witness.”
Carlos’s ears perked up. This was his cue to speak. “That’s right,” he said. “I’m a witness.”
“And me, too! I’m a witness, too!” Smudge bounced a little. “I’ve always wanted to be a witness. And now I am!”
“Two witnesses,” Pinky said. “Boy, I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes. And my shoes are made of glass. Do you know why most shoes aren’t made of glass? Hmm? Because glass hurts, man! It hurts bad! And yet I still prefer my shoes to yours! That’s how much trouble you’re in!”
“All right!” the soldier shouted. “I won’t kill the dragon!”
“I know you won’t.” Pinky delivered another poke.
“But that dragon ain’t coming inside this wall!” he shouted. “You two are going to walk from here!”
“Fine,” Pinky said with a poke.
“AND STOP POKING ME!” the soldier shouted.
“Where’s the castle?” Pinky asked.
“A mile that way!” he snarled.
Pinky looked uneasily at her aching feet. “A … mile?”
Carlos slid off of Smudge’s back. “Sorry you can’t go any farther, buddy,” he said, petting the dragon’s snout. “It’s for your own safety.”
“That’s okay, CC.” Smudge propped himself against an especially large tree stump. He pulled out his knitting bag. “I’ll keep myself busy.”
* * *
Carlos and Pinky walked down the streets of Dire Dominion.
There was nothing but weapons as far as the eye could see. Catapults, siege towers, and battering rams. Swords, clubs, and pikes. Carlos had never seen so many weapons in one place before.
“Where are the houses?” Carlos whispered. “There aren’t any houses.”
“People live inside the cannons,” Pinky whispered back.
“What? That can’t be true,” Carlos replied.
“Oh, it’s true all right!” someone said.
Carlos and Pinky turned to the sound of the voice. They found a smiling granny poking her head out of the barrel of a nearby cannon. “Oh, aren’t you two dressed beautifully! Would you like to come in for a snack? My crumb cake is almost ready.”
“Oh. No, thank you,” Carlos replied. “Wait, what? You have a kitchen in there?”
“Of course! Come on in. I’ll just set a couple of extra places in the formal dining room.”
“You have a formal dining room in there, too?” Carlos asked.
“Oh, yes. And a game room with an air hockey table! It’s a very big cannon,” the woman replied cheerily. “I live here quite comfortably when we’re not waging war. And when we are waging war, my house destroys kingdoms! Isn’t that wonderful?”
Actually, it didn’t sound very wonderful at all.
Don’t forget to be perfect, Carlos told himself. Faraway Kingdom’s survival depends on it.
CHAPTER 5
“This is it,” Carlos said, taking a deep breath.
“Yeah,” Pinky replied.
They stared at the giant door of Dominion Palace.
“We should knock,” Carlos said.
“Yeah,” Pinky replied.
But both of them just stood there.
“We should really…” Carlos trailed off.
“Yeah,” Pinky replied.
“All right,” Carlos sighed. “I’ll knock.”
But he never got the chance. Without warning, the door flew open.
Queen Cayenne towered over them.
She looked almost exactly like the portrait that hung outside King Carmine’s study. She was a little older and her skin was stretched a little tighter against a slightly bonier face, but otherwise, she didn’t look different at all.
Well, one thing was different. Instead of a scowl, Queen Cayenne wore a smile. It was not a warm smile or a kind smile but something cheerfully cruel. It was the smile of a cat about to swallow a wounded mouse.
“Well, well, well!” The queen’s smile stretched wider, revealing a mouthful of pearly, sharp teeth. “Look who’s here! Princess Pinky of Ever-After Land and my dear, dear nephew, Prince Carlos Charles Charming of Faraway Kingdom!”
“Good afternoon, Queen Cayenne,” Carlos and Pinky mumbled.
“I have a question for both of you,” she said. “Do either of you know how to tell time?”
It was one of those questions that you’re not supposed to answer.
The queen snapped her fingers. In an instant, a prune-faced servant dressed in black was at her elbow.
“Meadows,” she said to the servant. “Would you be so kind as to tell these children what time it is?”
“Yes, Your Majesty,” Meadows replied. “It is ten minutes after three o’clock.”
“Oh, dear.” The queen tut-tutted. “That is late. Isn’t that late, Meadows?”
“Quite late, Your Majesty,” Meadows replie
d.
“Make a note, Meadows,” she said. “The prince and princess are late.”
Meadows flipped open a notebook, plucked a pencil from his breast pocket, and began to write.
“Sorry,” Carlos said. “Pinky and I are really sorry.”
But Pinky wasn’t sorry. “The reason we’re late,” she said firmly, “is because the guy at the front gate made us walk.”
“That is a shame,” the queen replied. “But late is late.”
And the queen was just getting started. “Meadows, please also note that Prince Carlos’s collar is unbuttoned. His shoes are scuffed. And his pants cuffs are muddy.”
“That’s because your streets are muddy.” Pinky’s tone wasn’t exactly hostile, but it was getting there.
The queen peered down at Pinky’s feet. Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Where on earth are your shoes?”
Now Pinky was hostile. “I threw them away. Have you ever tried to walk a mile? In the mud? In glass shoes?”
The queen turned to Meadows. “Please also note that Princess Pinky decided to visit us dressed as a hobo.”
Pinky was going to respond, but Carlos beat her to it. “We’re sorry!” Carlos exclaimed. “Very sorry! We are both very, very sorry.”
“I’m sure you are,” the queen replied. “And if you aren’t, you will be. You may now give me Prince Hortense’s birthday presents.”
Carlos and Pinky exchanged glances.
“You do have presents, don’t you?”
“Yes,” Carlos said. “Expensive and thoughtful ones. It’s just…”
The queen’s bony hand clamped on to Carlos’s lapel. She yanked him forward until they were nose-to-nose. “It’s just what?” she growled.
“We accidentally left the presents with Smudge,” Carlos squeaked. “When the guard told us to walk to the castle, we forgot to…”
“You left them with…?”
“Smudge.” Carlos’s throat suddenly got very dry.
The queen tightened her grip. For an old, skinny, bony lady, she was pretty strong.
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