by JB Bonds
“It’s easy. This baby slips on and off like greased lightning.”
“Don’t say another word. That visual is about all I can take for now,” said Burton.
Since Roz and I were not in the sun anymore, and I was getting a headache, I stood up and glanced at Roz. She looked a little shell shocked, but managed to adjust her straw hat and stand to follow me out to the street. Burton immediately snagged one of our loungers as he stripped down to his little bikini and headed for the pool.
“My word, that was way too much of Al to see this early!” Roz said.
“Tell me about it. I was a little afraid there was going to be too much of Burton hanging out in the breeze, too. Anyway, the coconut sunscreen fumes wafting from Al have given me a headache. Let’s go check on Lois.”
There was very little breeze stirring and the sun’s rays had warmed considerably, making me wish Roz and I had come to the pool in our golf cart.
“Joanie, I hope Lois is doing better. Do you think she’ll let us in?”
“I’m going to finagle our way in. Something’s up.”
A few minutes later Roz and I were standing at Lois’s door and I could hear noises coming from inside the trailer. Roz knocked, we waited, and Lois finally opened the door.
Roz stepped a little closer to Lois. “Is everything OK? Anything you need or we can help you with?”
“I’m just a little tired today. Haven’t been getting as much sleep as usual, and I miss my cats.”
Now a red flag definitely went up. Where could fifteen cats have gone?
“Where are the cats?” I asked.
“Here and there. I farmed them out to people in my church for a few weeks because Morty is allergic to cats.”
Roz’s eyes just about bugged out of her head.
“Morty?”
“We’ve kind of been keeping each other company for the past week or so.”
About that time I heard someone say, “Pussy, who’s at the door?”
“Is Morty here now?”
“Huh…yes.” We slept in today.”
I could not have been more flabbergasted if you told me Roz was secretly taking pole dancing lessons in her spare time.
Lois started backing into the trailer. “When you two go to the pool again, stop by for me. I really want to go to class next time.”
Lois had once again gone behind that little trailer door, and this time we knew her company was not her fifteen cats.
Chapter 3
Good God in Heaven, I’m Burning Up!
Roz and I were deep in thought all the way back home.
“Roz, I want to get a couple of things accomplished this afternoon. I want to bake some brownies for our new neighbors and take them over. I’m dying to meet them. And it’s trash night, I want to get everything collected and out to the street in time for pick-up.”
“I can’t believe we forgot to put out the trash last week. I’ll help you get everything bagged up, and when you get ready to go meet the Hammonds, let me know because I want to go with you.”
“Sounds good. I think I’ll put a brick from our flower garden out on the front walk to remind me to get the trash out later.”
“Great idea. We’ll see it when we come back from the Hammonds’.”
With that, I put a brick on the walkway and we went inside. Roz and I got busy with everything that comes along with day-to-day living; checking our emails and Facebook, writing our grocery list, making a menu for the upcoming week’s meals, and checking our social calendars. Roz and I have always been very organized. As I was baking the brownies, my thoughts kept going back to Lois and Morty. What a strange turn of events. One day Lois is the “cat lady” and the next she’s “Morty’s puss puss.”
Later that afternoon, Roz and I got all gussied up and went next door with brownies in hand. We knew the Hammonds were home because their car was parked in their carport. We walked up the deck steps and Roz peeped in the front window as she went by. Sure enough, there was a man sitting at a computer who we assumed was Virgil. I rang the bell and he promptly answered it.
“Hello, hello…ladies,” the man said.
I stuck my hand out to shake hands and the hairs on my neck bristled. My stomach actually did a roll as I looked into our new neighbor’s eyes. The man was pleasant and looked at us with a welcoming smile as he took my hand into both of his and gave it a gentle squeeze, but something about him was unsettling.
“Hello, we haven’t formally met. My name is Joanie O’Hara and this is my sister, Rosalind Powell. We live next door.”
“You can call me Roz, that’s what everyone calls me here.”
“It’s wonderful to finally meet you two. Flo and I have been meaning to stop over to introduce ourselves. I’m Virgil Hammond and my wife Flo…”
We had just stepped into the foyer when the bathroom door in the hallway flew open and out ran Florence, or I assumed it was Florence. She had a towel loosely wrapped around her, a shower cap on, and one leg lathered up for shaving.
“Good God in heaven, I’m burning up!” How can someone get a hot flash when they’re in the shower? Yikes! I’m so sorry, I didn’t know we had company—”
“Flo, these are our neighbors.”
“Nice to meet you all, but please excuse me while I put some clothes on.” Flo gathered the towel closer to her body and dashed down the hall.
“Ladies, please sit down. How about some sweet tea? I just made some.”
“Don’t bother,” Roz said as she rolled her eyes and looked toward the front door. She definitely wanted to leave.
“No bother at all. Have a seat and I’ll be right back,” Virgil said as he walked toward the kitchen.
Virgil was a slight man, about 5’7”, with a receding hairline, but no gray. He wore small granny glasses on the tip of his nose. Dressed in white linen slacks and a pink golf shirt, he looked casual and well put together. He had an olive complexion and looked like he spent a lot of time in the sun.
We found a seat on a beautiful red leather couch while Virgil went into the kitchen to fix our iced teas. We noticed Virgil’s computer was still on and there were stacks of paper and boxes all around his desk. Seems like Virgil is a busy man. There wasn’t a great deal of furniture in the room we were sitting, and very little decor. The strangest thing was there were no family pictures. Virgil came back into the living room with tray in hand, and iced teas all around.
“Roz and I would like to invite you two to come with us to bingo tomorrow night. It’s a wonderful way to meet some of the residents here at Rainbow.”
“That sounds fantastic. Flo and I want to get active in the community and bingo is a perfect way to do that. I’ve got a meeting tonight and tomorrow night, but maybe Flo would be interested. Where is she?”
“Roz and I are originally from Virginia. Where are you and Flo from?” Roz nudged me in the ribs. I looked at her, asking “What?” silently.
“We’ve lived all over. Just moved here from Kansas. We’ve heard so many wonderful things about Florida and especially the Keys.”
“I think you two will love living here. We won’t keep you any longer. Thank you for the iced tea. Please tell Flo bingo starts tomorrow night at 7:00 pm at the Recreation Center. We’ll watch for her. And by the way, here are some brownies for you two.”
“Brownies! My favorite. How thoughtful. You two are going to be wonderful neighbors. I’m sorry Flo didn’t get back out here to talk to you two, but maybe you’ll see her tomorrow night. Please come over anytime. You’re always welcome.” Roz stood up abruptly and headed for the door.
As we walked back home, Roz said, “Joanie, Virgil gave me an uneasy feeling. He looked sort of like the man I dreamed about last night. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I want to keep an eye on him.”
“I wondered why you were so antsy to get
out of there, but I agree with you. Virgil sent weird vibes, that’s for sure.”
When we got back home, we saw the brick on the sidewalk; we hurried in to get the trash gathered.
“Roz, I’ll get the trash, you turn on the TV. I want to see the King Tut special.”
With that said, I carried the bags of trash outside and walked down the sidewalk, where I promptly tripped over the brick that was still lying there. Thank heavens I had a trash bag in each hand to cushion my fall because I went down hard, landing with my arms and legs flying. I’m sure I looked like a poor turtle someone had flipped over. I gently tried moving my arms and legs, which worked fine. I eventually got to my side and was rolling onto my knees when I saw Virgil rush out his front door. He immediately went into the little storage closet in his carport and pulled out two big boxes. He quickly went to his car, looked around to see if anyone was watching, and threw the boxes into the trunk. Again, my neck hairs bristled.
“Joanie, where are you?” Roz said as she opened the front door.
“Roz, come out here and give me a hand. I tripped over my reminder brick.”
“Hang on. I’m coming. Are you hurt?”
“I think I’m OK. Come give me a boost.” While Roz pulled and I strained to stand, I played The Star Spangled Banner in farts, trying to get my balance.
“Sorry about that, Roz, but you know me when I’ve eaten a few peanuts.”
“Joanie, you don’t have to apologize. It’s a wonder I didn’t join in. I think you need to find another system to jog your memory or leave something less lethal than a brick out where you can see it.”
“Great idea. Next time, I’ll tie a balloon to the mailbox. People will think we’re having a party or something, but at least maybe I’ll remember better. While I was on all fours, I saw Virgil load a bunch of boxes from his storage area into the back of his car. He seemed really frazzled.”
“Didn’t he say something about a meeting?” Roz said.
“I bet he was running late.”
“Probably. Now, about that balloon idea, let’s think of something else because the way we forget, there’d be a balloon out there all the time. How about we sit that strange little plastic gnome we won at bingo on one of the deck steps as a reminder when we need it,” Roz said.
“Great idea! I’ll go find the gnome right now and sit it by the front door.”
Roz and I are early risers. We have always functioned best in the morning and get everything we want accomplished for the day done before noon. That leaves us our afternoon and evening to do as we please. The next morning, as we ate our breakfast, we discussed our first meeting with the Hammonds.
“I wish we could have gotten to know Flo a little better. I guess the only thing we know about her right now is she suffers from horrendous hot flashes.” Roz stirred her tea and buttered some toast.
Since Roz and I were still dressed in our nighttime attire, when someone knocked on our door at 7:00 in the morning, we both looked at each other in a panicked way, and decided to peep out the front window. Standing on our porch was Morty. He had on the same pair of beige shorts and lime green t-shirt we’d seen him in almost every day we’ve lived here. Today he had also donned a baseball cap that read ‘Don’s Tattoos and Piercings.” No hair was showing below the cap because Morty has only a few thin strands on the top of his head. On his feet were Birkenstocks that had to have been around since the 60s. Morty was not Rainbow’s fashion plate. He was just Morty. He was fidgeting with his shirt front and I could tell he had some kind of a nasty red rash all over his arms and neck. I opened the door.
“Morty, what brings you here so early?”
“Joanie, can I come in? I need to talk to you and Roz.”
“Certainly, you’re just in time to join us for a bowl of oatmeal.”
“Listen, girls, I’m in kind of a pickle. I guess you two know Lois and I have become pretty good friends lately.”
“Lois told us you were spending a little time over there with her,” Roz said.
“Man oh man, what a mistake I’ve made bunking in with Lois. I have to hand it to her, she did get her cats farmed out because I’m so terribly allergic to them, but she wants me over there around the clock. You know me, I’ve got places to go, people to see.
This conversation was beginning to make me a little anxious. I didn’t want to hear about Morty’s love life and I felt like that’s where we were headed. Roz seemed intrigued and was prompting him to keep talking. Then there was another knock at our door.
“This is getting to be the place to be this morning.”
I peeped outside again and this time Lois was standing on our front porch.
“Come in Lois. Join us for some breakfast.”
“I’m in a bit of a hurry, Joanie. Have you seen Morty?”
“As a matter of fact, he’s just digging in to a bowl of cereal. Come in, come in.”
“Morty! There you are! What on earth are you doing over here?”
“Lois, I had to get out of that trailer for a little while. Now don’t get me wrong, you’re very good company, and the good Lord knows, you’ve certainly shown me a good time over the past few days, but enough’s enough. I’ve got to get on with my life.”
Lois seemed truly crushed. I could see it in her eyes. Not only had she changed her entire way of life, but she had gotten rid of her beloved cats for this scrawny little man, who now, she could see, had gotten what he wanted and was moving on to greener pastures. At that moment, Lois turned around and left our house.
“Morty, you sure know how to make a girl feel wanted,” Roz escorted him to the door.
“I know, I know, but she is one possessive woman. I never figured Lois that way. Oh well, I’m out of here, and glad my little fling with Lois is over. Will I see you two at bingo?”
“Yes, we’ll be there, but I think you should go by Lois’s and explain yourself a little. I’m sure she’s hurt over this.”
“OK, OK, I’ll go over now. I’ll see you sisters tonight.”
What a strange turn of events this was. I really was feeling like I was back in high school. They say as you age you revert back to your childhood, and it seemed Morty thought he was sixteen again.
“Joanie, I’m glad I’ve seen this side of Morty now. What a scoundrel. Love them and leave them seems to be his motto. Why doesn’t he zero in on Alberta? I think the two of them would be a perfect match.”
“That’s a good question, but I have no intention of playing match maker. What do you want to do today? Are you playing bridge?” Roz was an avid bridge player.
“Yes, bridge is at 2:00 and I won’t be finished until around 5:00. What are you up to today?”
“I think I’m going to the Recreation Center and sit in on the bead making class that started last week to see if I want to join. Then I want to speak to Herb about starting a book club in Rainbow. I think a book club would be a big hit here. I don’t understand why they haven’t started one already.”
With that, Roz and I busied around the house doing laundry and general house cleaning. I stepped out onto the front porch to do some sweeping and glanced over at the Hammonds’. Their car was back in its place and I could see someone moving around in their house. Suddenly, their front door opened and Flo stepped out. I watched her as she walked across the street and opened Tutti’s mailbox. I was shocked to realize the red flag was up, so Tutti had some outgoing mail in there. My scalp started getting that prickly feeling as I watched Flo look in both directions as if to see if anyone was watching. She took something out of the box, folded it in half, and slipped it into her jeans pocket. Then she dashed across the street and quickly went back into her house.
Chapter 4
No, No, We Don’t Usually Meddle!
“Roz, you’re not going to believe what I just saw. Flo was taking mail out of Tutti’s mailbox!”
&nb
sp; “No, are you sure?”
“I saw her take the mail out with my own eyes. This is serious. Taking someone’s mail is against the law, big time.”
“Let’s think about this for a minute. What other reason could there be for Flo removing something from Tutti’s mailbox? Maybe Flo put something in Tutti’s mailbox earlier and then decided to take it back out.”
“I think we need to go tell Tutti and find out if she did have outgoing mail in the box,” I said.
Roz and I didn’t hesitate to go across the street and knock on Tutti’s door. She answered almost immediately.
“Hi girls, what’s up? You two look a little flustered.”
“We just wanted you to know we saw your new neighbor across the street, Flo Hammond, take something out of your mailbox just now,” I said as I pointed at the Hammonds’ house.
“No problem, girls. I saw Flo yesterday at her mailbox and she told me she needed a listing of all the activities here in Rainbow. I told her I’d put a copy in my mailbox this morning. Good Lord, I hope you two don’t jump to conclusions like this all the time.”
“No, no, Tutti, we don’t usually meddle in anyone’s business. I’m glad to hear everything’s OK as far as your mailbox is concerned,” Roz said.
Roz and I left Tutti with her mouth hanging open, and shaking her head. I really couldn’t blame her, because it did look like Roz and I spent our days at our window, watching every move our neighbors made. I’m sure this incident would be a topic of conversation at bingo.
Since we were out of milk, Roz and I went up to the Country Store. For such a small grocery store, we were always amazed at the good selection of items Herb stocked. One of the most popular areas was the front shelves by the register that held homemade jams, jellies, and pickles. These were made by several people in Rainbow who prided themselves in their canning abilities.
Roz squeezed the golf cart into a shady spot by the side of the building, and we went inside. As we walked into the store, we saw Burton and Beatrice talking by the milk cooler. Beatrice was admiring Burton’s caftan and turban and asking about a recipe for bruschetta Burton had shared at bingo last week. When they saw us enter, they came up front to say hello, and of course, to find out what the sisters were up to.