by JB Bonds
“Yes, indeedy, I do! I’m sure everyone is wondering why I’m dressed the way I am.” He looked around at everyone, but not many seemed all that surprised. “Our talent show will be May 20 and I would like to announce the theme of our big extravaganza! It’s going to be Under the Big Top! I’ll be the Ringmaster and, of course, I will also perform. Anyone who can perform magic, sing, dance, play musical instruments, or have animals that can do special tricks, please let me know. I’ll be at the front desk in the Recreation Center tomorrow morning with a sign-up sheet. I’ve talked with Herb and we think it will be possible to convert this room into the Big Top. I would prefer to do this outside in a real tent, but really folks, by the end of May, the Keys will be hotter than the hinges of hell! And by the way, the reason I’m a tad bit late for this meeting is, one, I’ve been posting flyers about the talent show all over Rainbow, and second, I would like everyone to take a spin by Ida and McGhee’s house on their way home tonight. Enough said.”
Burton went back to his seat and sat down very primly. He looked like the cat that swallowed the canary. He kept fanning himself with his hand and his face was so red it looked like he was about to explode. We could tell the audience was intrigued by the notion of a talent show.
From the other side of the room, Flo was madly waving her hand to get everyone’s attention. The room quieted immediately because when Flo Hammond speaks, everyone listens.
“Excuse me! Excuse me! My name is Flo Hammond. My husband, Virgil and I, are anxious to get to know our neighbors better. We live at 12 Palm Street, right next door to the lovely “hat” sisters. We would like to invite everyone to our house this coming Sunday around 1:00 p.m. for lunch. Don’t bring a thing, just yourselves! The more the merrier!”
Now what was this all about? I would venture to say it was the perfect opportunity to pitch the miraculous benefits of taking Caliente Honey.
Herb yelled out, “Meeting adjourned and thank you for coming out tonight!”
We were all standing to leave when a gentleman shouted out, “I want to let all of you know my 10-speed bike was stolen from my carport last night.”
You could have heard a pin drop. Herb went racing back to the fellow, concern written all over his face.
The four of us Palm Street girls got into the golf cart and made our way home. As we came down the street and pulled up in front of Ida and McGhee’s house, it was evident what else Burton had been up to tonight. The infamous umbrella clothesline was ablaze in red and green chili pepper lights. The entire central pole had hundreds of lights spiraling up its entire length.
“Now don’t that beat all! Burton sure knows how to bring the best out of something as simple as a clothesline. Why, that’s a beautiful piece of artwork!” McGhee said.
“I love it! I bet everybody on Palm Street is going to be putting up their own clotheslines and decorating them. Don’t forget dinner tomorrow night. We’re really looking forward to it,” Ida said as she got out of the cart.
With that the ladies went into their house and Roz and I did the same.
“So, what did you think of Burton’s idea of Under The Big Top for the talent show?” Roz asked.
“I think it’s a great idea and should be a lot of fun. I just hope Burton doesn’t go into a total frenzy over all this. He looked strung out tonight if you ask me.”
Chapter 14
Company Chicken
Thursday morning started out the same as usual for us, but before going to bed the night before, we had decided if we got nothing else done Thursday, we were going to talk to Burton and Lois. I told Roz about Lois swallowing her batteries with the heart pills. When going to bed later that evening, I noticed as I closed my bedroom door that Roz was using her iPad. I was sure she was researching the ill effects of ingesting batteries.
We went to aqua aerobics Thursday morning and stopped by Lois’s to see if she wanted to go along. She seemed like herself and was anxious to get to the pool. A little too anxious. We could barely keep up with her pace. At least those heart pills and batteries didn’t seem to be having any ill effects on her. When we got into the pool, a woman I didn’t recognize announced to everyone her GPS had been stolen from her car, and then another swimmer swore up and down she was missing some jewelry. They were going to report all this to Herb. Needless to say, this news was a little disconcerting. When we had heard about the missing bike the night before, we didn’t feel too concerned, figuring the bike had been borrowed by a neighbor, but a missing GPS was another matter.
Later that morning, after we had put together a pan of brownies for our dinner at Ida and McGhee’s, Roz and I started up the street in our golf cart. To our surprise, Harry Woodward was out by his mailbox. This was the first time we had encountered Harry face-to-face, and to be honest, we’d never really thought about him until Lois brought up the fact he was such a rude man. Harry was shaped like a pear. The gym shorts he was wearing were stretched to the max over a bulging belly, with thick, hairy legs hanging out the bottom. The exact opposite was true of his upper torso, which was slight and looked almost concave in the threadbare t-shirt he was wearing. There was not one strand of hair on his bald, freckled head. Strapped to his feet were sandals that exposed toenails that hadn’t been trimmed for months. All in all, Harry looked like he didn’t take care of himself or his appearance.
“Good morning, neighbor!” I said.
Without raising his head, he said, “Morning.”
“We live down the street. I’m Joanie and this is my sister, Roz. We weren’t sure anyone was actually living here right now. It’s nice to see you out and about.”
“I keep to myself and think everyone else should do the same.”
“You’ll find Rainbow residents to be very nice. Have you ever thought about coming out for bingo?” Roz asked.
“Never crossed my mind. All I want to do is take care of myself and my front yard and that’s what I expect my neighbors to do.”
With that, he turned on his heel and went back into his house.
“Yikes. That was uncomfortable. Lois wasn’t wrong about Harry, was she”? Roz observed.
As we started to pull away from Harry’s mailbox, a UPS truck turned onto Palm Street and stopped at the Hammonds’. Of course, Roz and I stopped to let the truck go by and to adjust our hats. In no time at all, the UPS delivery man had stacked five large boxes on the Hammonds’ deck. He knocked on their door, then jogged back to his truck. Almost immediately, Virgil came to the door and quickly started taking the boxes into his house. Business was good and they were ready for their luncheon guests.
We wanted to check on Burton. Pulling up to his RV was always an experience. We never knew what we’d see or hear. He was always full of surprises, and loved nothing better than visitors. This morning, however, all was quiet. We gently knocked on his door, and finally Burton peeped out. His face was haggard and gray, and his hands were shaking.
“Burton, you don’t look like you feel well,” I said.
“I’m fine. Just haven’t had my first cup of coffee yet. Is everything OK with you two?”
“Just peachy, but we’re a little concerned about you.”
“You know what? It’s sweet of you to be concerned about me, but girls, I’m truly doing great. I think you two need to get a life. I know where this conversation is headed and I don’t want to talk about it. I’ve never felt better. My hair and complexion have never looked better, and you two might want to think about buying some Caliente yourselves. Excuse me, but I really do need that cup of coffee.” Burton gently closed the door.
We got into our golf cart and went back home.
As we pulled into the carport, I asked, “Are we overreacting, Roz?”
“Maybe so. But you have to admit, Burton has never spoken to us like that before. That’s out of character for him. My guess is he not only needs his first cup of coffee, but he needs his fir
st dose of elixir for the day.”
With brownies in hand and hats firmly on our heads, we drove the golf cart to Ida and McGhee’s for dinner. After dinner, we were going to give them their first driving lesson. I think we were all excited about the possibilities of their learning to drive because it would give the girls so much more freedom.
“Come in, ladies. You’re our first dinner guests. I hope you’re hungry,” said Ida.
“You know we are. We’ve looked forward to this all day. What smells so good?” Roz asked.
“That would be one of our mama’s recipes called ‘Company Chicken.’ She used to fix it every Sunday because she could put it in the oven before we left for church and it would be perfect when we got back home. It’s basically chicken breasts that are smothered in a sauce of canned cream of chicken and mushroom soup with sour cream mixed in, all sitting on a bed of dried beef. I know it sounds a little strange, but you two are going to ask for seconds, believe me! McGhee said.
“Have you had any more problems with your clothesline? asked Roz.
“No, we don’t do laundry but once a week, so we’ll wait for one of the days approved by the community. Then I hope we don’t have any more problems,” Ida said.
“I hope you’re right,” I said.
“Who would ever think that a place like this would have so many problems? We sure hope we’ve made the right decision in moving here.”
“You made the right decision and we’re so happy to have you as neighbors.”
“Sit down, you two, dinner is ready, and daylight is burning. We want to get that first driving lesson in before the sun sets,” Ida said.
After a delicious meal and a quick clean up, the four of us went outside to the golf cart.
“There are only a few simple, but very important, rules for driving a golf cart. One, you won’t hear a motor running. When the key is in the “On” position, it’s ready to go. Two, there are no gears, just forward and reverse. Three, GENTLY press on the gas pedal, and four, no sharp turns. Are you two ready?” Roz asked.
Even those simple instructions had struck fear into Ida and McGhee.
“How about you and Joanie give us a ride and explain everything as you do it? Then maybe I’ll give it a try,” McGhee said with trepidation in her voice.
“OK. McGhee, get in front with me. Ida and Joanie can sit in the back.”
McGhee watched Roz carefully as we pulled away from their house. Her brow was furrowed and she shook her head every once in awhile. We drove to the pool and back. Then it was McGhee’s turn.
Everything went well, at first. McGhee turned the key to the “On” position, and then put the gear on “F” for forward. That’s when things took a turn. McGhee had no idea how little pressure was required on the gas pedal to have the golf cart go forward. She floored it. All of our heads snapped back and Roz and I grabbed the brims of our hats. We were off. McGhee wasn’t hearing a single thing Roz was trying to tell her. We had gotten to the corner of our street and over the bridge. We crossed the Inner Perimeter Road and went into the pool parking lot, where McGhee hung a left and went back out onto the road on two wheels. Who would think a simple ride in a golf cart could be so crazy scary? Finally, Ida reached from the back of the cart and swatted McGhee on the back of the head. That seemed to get her attention. She turned back to look at Ida and at the same time took her foot off the gas pedal. That’s all it took to bring the cart to a gentle stop. McGhee was out of the cart as fast as her legs could carry her.
“I will never try that again. You can’t make me. There’s no way it’s going to happen. I knew there was a reason the good Lord never let me learn to drive, because he knew I’d kill myself my first trip out!” McGhee shouted.
Ida had gotten out of the cart and was patting McGhee on the back. “McGhee, don’t worry about learning to drive this cart. I’m going to learn and you can be my co-pilot.”
That seemed to calm her. She sat down in the back with me, and Roz started another lesson with Ida. We made the trip back to their house with no mishaps and could see Ida was going to be the designated driver whenever she and her sister went out.
We didn’t mention our conversation with Harry and how uncomfortable we felt around him, but we did relay the information about the other burglaries.
They’d already experienced some pretty negative stuff since moving into Rainbow so we hated to add more anxiety to their lives, but these burglaries were very worrisome.
Chapter 15
What’s Cooking at the Hammonds’?
The next couple of days went by quickly. Sunday morning dawned bright and hot. We picked up Ida and McGhee and went to church.
On our way back, Roz asked, “Are you two going to the Hammonds’ luncheon today?”
“Yes, we are. It seems that everywhere the Hammonds are, there’s always excitement. What an interesting couple, and so friendly,” said Ida.
“I guess we haven’t told you much about Virgil and Flo. They’ve got a very good business going out of their house selling an elixir they say is a miracle drug for seniors. Keep your eyes open and listen at lunch today. We would be interested in knowing what you think about all of this,” I said.
“No problem. Me and Ida are good judges of character. We think this is going to be fun. Maybe we need a bottle of that elixir ourselves.”
Just before time to go over to the Hammonds’, I found Roz peeping out our side window watching their house.
“So what do you see, Roz?” I asked.
“A crowd is what I see. We’re going to be packed in there like sardines.”
“You have to admit, the Hammonds have caused quite a stir since moving into Rainbow. People are curious, plus I’m sure word has spread about the elixir.”
“I know my curiosity is piqued. Let’s get our hats on and go on over.”
The door was ajar, so we walked in without knocking. Since our initial visit to the Hammonds’, not a lot had been done in the way of decorating. There were still no pictures on the wall or keepsakes sitting around. Maybe they were minimalists in their choice of décor. People were so jam-packed into the big open area of their living room that no one noticed we were there. And the noise level, people were talking and laughing so loud, it was hard to get yourself heard when you spoke to someone. We saw Ida and McGhee sitting on the living room couch. They were deep in conversation with Lois. Seeing Lois made me think of Morty and the fact Roz and I hadn’t seen him for awhile. I hope the whole cat affair hadn’t caused him to steer clear of us. Burton was sitting up on the counter in the kitchen holding court. He had quite a crowd gathered around him. We didn’t see Virgil anywhere, but Flo was in the kitchen, looking like a million bucks. About that time, one of the women she was talking to threw her head back and shouted out at the top of her voice, “If that stuff does that for Virgil, I want a case!!” Conversation all but stopped.
Flo took advantage of the lull to say, “You know, you all haven’t seen me at any of the morning activities since we’ve been here. That’s because I sleep in most mornings. I have to. Virgil can’t keep his hands off me at night since he started taking Caliente.” Burton let out a big whoop, and from the couch came a lot of hooting and hollering from Ida and McGhee. I then noticed Alberta and Al in deep conversation on the love seat in front of the picture window. When had they gotten to be so chummy? To the left of the love seat, Tutti was sitting in a rocking chair with her head dropped back; eyes closed, and mouth agape. I sure hoped she wasn’t dead, but how she could sleep with everything that was going on was beyond me. Roz and I hadn’t seen her since she let us know how she felt about our “meddling” over Flo getting into her mailbox. About that time, Joe Curtis waved me and Roz over. We sidled closer to the kitchen and Roz leaned close to Joe’s ear and asked how he was doing. Joe was wearing some kind of fantastic smelling cologne. The aroma wrapped itself around me and Roz, which wasn’
t an unpleasant experience.
“Joe, what have you been up to lately?” Roz asked.
“I’m keeping myself busier now playing tennis and golf. You should come over to the tennis courts sometime and watch us play. There are some very good players here in Rainbow.”
“We’ll do that. When we’re at aqua aerobics we can see the courts. Maybe we’ll stop by one morning to watch for a while. My husband was an avid tennis player and I miss watching the game being played live. TV is OK, but not nearly as exciting as being there,” Roz said.
“Joe, have you noticed any residents in Rainbow acting a little strange lately?” I asked.
“Let me think. Stranger than usual?” Joe laughed uproariously at his little joke. “No, no everything is good. Can’t say that I’ve noticed anything strange going on.”
“Have you heard anything about Caliente Honey?” Roz asked.
“One of the guys I play tennis with did say he was playing better than ever since he started taking some kind of elixir.”
“That’s it! Could you do us a favor and keep a professional eye on the residents you come in contact with? Something is going on with the Hammonds and their elixir.”
“Oh come on, Roz. The Hammonds seem like super nice folks. Do you think they’re illegally selling a product to our residents?”
“We’re not sure, but Joanie and I have seen some strange things going on with a lot of our friends and neighbors.”
“I think you two are jumping to conclusions here, but I’ll keep an eye out and let you know if something happens that raises a red flag for me.” Joe moved over to the food table.
“Roz, look who’s coming down the hall with Virgil. I was wondering if Morty was here. Looks like he’s one of Virgil’s customers.”
“Sisters! I’m so glad you’re here. I have been just sick about how I treated you two when you came by Thursday morning. I don’t know what was wrong with me. Will you ever forgive me?” Burton said, as he gave me and Roz a peck on the cheek.