“Well, we were The Wiggles for a good part of the day,” said Liz.
Evan laughed. “I’m sure Sara enjoyed that.” He picked up Liz’s hand and kissed her knuckles. Gavin reached over and held Sydney’s hand.
“Evan, did things change for you two when you got married?”
Sydney was a little puzzled by Gavin’s question. It had been a month since the accusations Gavin had made about her and Evan and even though it had been put to rest on Gavin’s end, Evan had felt the animosity at the double date and the two had cordially kept their distance ever since.
“Well,” Evan started and then looked at his wife Liz as he thought about a response, “I would say that things have definitely changed for us because we have a beautiful child together and we’ve had to change our priorities around to be good parents. But if you’re talking about any changes in our relationship, just me and Liz, I would say that getting married made things better.” Liz nodded and winked at Gavin and Sydney. “I know that sounds weird because the popular belief is that it’s all downhill from there.”
Gavin chuckled. “Yeah, Jay keeps me reminded of that. Cool. Um, Evan, could I talk to you outside for a minute?” Evan cocked an eyebrow and then looked at Sydney. Sydney shrugged.
“Uh, sure.” The two men stood up from the couch and walked out to the deck in the backyard.
“What was that about?”
“Oh, I think this is great Sydney! I think our guys are going to be best friends! Wouldn’t that be cool?”
“I guess so.”
“I bet they’re talking about you Sydney!”
“And exactly why would they be doing that?”
“No reason,” Elizabeth said quickly. “So, how are those psychology classes going? Good?”
***
“Okay, so after you stuff me with amazing Spanish food you want to put me on the Tilt-O-Whirl?”
“No! We can go on the Ferris wheel. Whatever you want Birthday Girl.”
“That’s right,” she grinned. “Since it’s my birthday and I can do what I please, I say we go on the Ferris wheel.”
Gavin laughed. “Didn’t I just say that?”
Sydney rushed towards the Ferris wheel. “Can’t hear you! It’s not your birthday!”
Gavin smiled as he watched Sydney gleefully head for the amusement park ride. The night was perfect. The air was cool and the skies were starry. The glow of all the lights on the rides made everything feel dream-like. Plus, the beach where they’d had their second date was nearby.
Sydney was wearing a silky cream-colored halter dress with gold and red Egyptian style lotus flowers on the ties that go behind the neck and in the border along the empire waist. Gavin watched as the material of her dress skimmed across her thighs and the ends of the ribbon tied at her neck grazed along her back. Liz had curled her hair for her that afternoon; her black curls were soft and shiny. Gavin caught up to her smiling with his hands in the pockets of his brown Dockers. The two slid into one of the seats and Sydney rested her head on his shoulder as they waited for the other people to get on and the ride to start.
When the wheel started moving Sydney popped up and began peering down from their seat, watching the ground grow smaller and smaller.
“Don’t look down if you’re scared.”
“I’m not scared! I’m excited!” Sydney grinned as she looped her arm through his and her hand grasped at his sleeve at the crook of his arm.
Gavin chuckled at the expression of wonder on her face. The lights from the Ferris wheel made her brown skin look even softer. He consciously took a mental picture of the way she looked tonight. “Wow, this is beautiful!” Sydney commented as their seat rose to the top of the wheel and they got a view of the ocean and the lights of the city. She turned to Gavin. “Thank you so much for this. This is amazing. Gavin…are you alright?”
Gavin rubbed at his eyes and cleared his throat. “Yeah, just something in my eye, I guess.”
“Oh, Gavin! Don’t cry or I’ll start crying!” Sydney’s eyes began to tear up. “See!”
“I’m sorry.”
“What’s wrong?” Sydney sniffled.
“Nothing’s wrong! I just…can’t believe how my little girl has grown up and become a woman. Ah!” Gavin chuckled as Sydney punched him and slapped him a few times on the arm. “I’m just kidding!”
“Grrrr!”
“Ooo, kinky! Could you neigh like a zebra? That really gets me going.” He wiggled his eyebrows. Sydney burst out laughing. When she finally quieted down she sat and admired Gavin. The jade green long-sleeved button-down shirt was really bringing out his eyes.
Those eyes were only for her. At first the idea that Gavin was so captivated by her had creeped her out; she didn’t want to be the only one responsible for his happiness. But at this time in the relationship she couldn’t imagine her life without him because her happiness was now very much with him. She was in love. How crazy! She got as close as possible to him in the seat and snuggled up to him with her head over his heart. She breathed in his cologne. She brushed her lips very lightly against his neck. He smiled.
“Sydney, that tickles.”
“I know,” she smiled.
The Ferris wheel slowed to a stop with them at the bottom. Gavin held Sydney’s hand and helped her out of the carriage. They decided to take the long walk out to the beach beside the amusement park. When they reached there they smiled at each other both thinking of the date they’d had there. Sydney slipped off her shoes and buried her toes in the sand. It was still warm beneath the surface. Gavin slipped out of his shoes and socks and rolled up his pants legs. He walked over to the shore and stepped into the shallow water. Sydney followed. He looked out into the black horizon. Sydney noticed he was very pensive so she just looked out into the horizon and found herself lost in thought. When she came back to the present she looked over to find that Gavin had walked off and was walking a few feet down the shoreline.
She turned and started walking towards him, looking down at the footsteps he had left in the sand, making her own footprints alongside his. Gavin turned and saw that she was following him. He smiled and turned around to keep walking. “Hey you!” Sydney called out, “You get back here!” She continued to follow him. She watched as he kneeled down to pick up something from the sand. She caught up to him and peered down over his shoulder. “Did you find a sand dollar?” When Gavin turned around to show here what he’d found, he was holding a diamond ring.
Sydney made her mouse squeak and cupped her hands over her mouth to stop herself from screaming. The sound of her mouse squeak made Gavin’s smile even bigger. Both Gavin and Sydney had tears falling down their faces.
“Sydney, you are…the most beautiful thing that has ever entered my life; inside and out. You’re sweet, you’re smart, you’re funny, you’re strong…I just love you so much. I can’t imagine myself living without you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life, for you to be my wife, the mother of my children, everything.” Sydney let out another mouse squeak. Gavin chuckled. “Sydney, will you make me the happiest man in the world? Will you marry me?”
Sydney looked down at him with fear in her eyes and started to shake her head no. Gavin blinked, confused. Sydney moved her hands from her mouth. “I can’t.”
“Why…why not?”
“Oh my God, I thought I told you,” Sydney cried.
Gavin stood up. “Told me what?”
“I can’t have kids.”
Gavin’s heart sunk. “You can’t? Sydney what happened?” He reached out and held her hand. She pulled it out of his grasp.
“No,” Sydney’s voice trembled, “I’m fine physically. I don’t want kids. I don’t want to have kids. I can’t do it!”
“But Sydney, I’ve seen you with Sara. You’d be a great mom.”
“Gavin!” Sydney wailed. “No!”
“Are you sure? I mean, are you positive this isn’t a decision you’ll grow out of?”
“This isn’t some ado
lescent aversion! I’ve thought this decision through. Oh, I thought I told you. How could I have not told you? I’m so sorry I wasted your time. I’ve wasted so much time,” Sydney wailed.
“Our relationship was a waste of time?” Gavin asked quietly.
“I’m sorry,” Sydney whispered and quickly walked away towards the amusement park. For only a few seconds he watched the heart wrenching sight of her walking away. He turned away and became very familiar with the sight of the bleak pitch black horizon and the dark murky waters. That’s how it felt.
Sydney used her cell phone to call a cab home. Once she got home she realized she needed to talk to Liz. She got into her car and drove over to Liz’s house. She sat in her car in Elizabeth’s driveway for a moment and cried. She was sitting in front of Liz’s house crying in her car; back to where she’d started. This was not how things were supposed to end.
He was the one who would eventually grow tired of her and leave her. She was prepared for that. That's what most men do. That’s what her father had done. Never had she anticipated she would be the one leaving Gavin behind. She had just walked away from the love of her life. She had no choice but to go. She'd wasted so much of his time and shattered both of their dreams. If only she wasn't so adamant about not having children. If only she could have kept that beautiful smile on his face. "God," she whispered, "Please don't let him beat himself up over this."
She wiped the tears from off of the steering wheel and from off of her face and got out of the car. She hobbled over to the front door and rang the doorbell. Liz answered with a huge smile on her face.
“How did it go? Where’s the ring, let me see!” Elizabeth grabbed her left hand. “Sydney…where’s your ring?” Sydney started to shake with sobs. “Oh no! Sydney! I’m so sorry.” Elizabeth hugged Sydney to her.
“I’m so stupid!” Sydney blubbered.
“No no,” said Liz, “Shhh, it’ll be okay.” She directed her into the house and closed the front door behind them.
Gavin was sure he’d made numerous traffic violations on his drive home. He was so angry he had blurred vision. And he was muttering things to himself, things his father and Elise had once told him when his father got angry and when Elise was leaving. Worthless piece of garbage!...You loser!...You sicken me with all your whiny bullshit! Man up already!...You are a complete waste of my time! He realized that Elise’s and his father’s insults were so similar he couldn’t tell them apart anymore. He mechanically shut off his car and got out of his car. All the muscles in his body felt taut. He stiffly climbed the stairs up to his apartment. He wiped the sand off of his bare feet onto the welcome mat. He’d left his shoes at the beach. Once inside he went through to all the rooms and flicked the lights on. Still he had no answers.
He sauntered into his bedroom and glanced around. His eyes landed on the figure of Apollo on one of his night tables. Apollo stood with his arms raised towards the sky as he sang to the sun, smiling, his head turned upwards and his white marble eyes gleaming. Gavin walked over and picked up the statue. Then he hurled it towards the wall. It crashed through the dry wall and fell with a thud to the bottom of the hollow within the wall.
Gavin stared at the hole in the wall slightly amazed at the consequences of his anger. He thought to himself that this anger was better than pathetically crawling into his bed to die like he’d done a couple years ago. He got into bed and fell asleep. When he awoke the next morning he was furious.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
My mother and I stood staring at the telephone as it rang. “It’s Gavin again isn’t it?” my mom asked. I nodded. “Why don’t you pick up and talk to him?”
“Because…he’s angry…and he thinks he can change my mind.”
Beep. “Sydney, answer the phone. I know you’re there. You need to talk to me. Why weren’t you clear, Sydney? You should have made it clear that you didn’t trust me enough or love me enough to ever consider me being the father of your future children. Or that there are no future children! Is that right? I’m not going to let you do this to me Sydney. I’m not going to cave and be weak and pathetic like with Elise. I’m going to fight this and you are going to hear me out! You can’t stomp all over me and leave. Answer the phone, Sydney.” Beep.
The phone immediately started ringing again. My mom put her arm around my shoulder and hugged me to her. I laid my head on her shoulder.
Beep. “Sydney. I don’t understand. You know I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don’t understand why you…Make me understand what I did wrong.”
My stomach and my heart sank. I know he loves me, and I love him, but that’s not it. I don’t know how to make him understand. Even if he did understand I don’t want him to throw his dream of having a family away just because of me.
“Am I not responsible enough, or something? You don’t want a family? At all? I don’t get it. Your mom had you, and twenty years later you’re the love of my life. Don’t you want that for another person in the future? Sydney, tell me what it is! Dammit, I’ll try to fix it!” Beep.
I went into my room and got my cell phone off of my night table. I dialed.
“Hi, um, Jay? This is Sydney. Gavin…I broke up with Gavin. I think you should go check on him.”
***
“Gavin?” Jay called as he walked into Gavin’s apartment. The door had been unlocked. “It’s Jason!” He breathed in the strong smell of cleaning products. He scrunched his nose and scanned the apartment. Every surface was immaculate. The hardwood floors were polished to a glossy shine. Jay walked carefully onto the waxed floors trying not to slip and fall. The apartment looked like a model home. Gavin ran out of his bedroom, startling Jay. “Hey man. What’s going on?” Jay asked. He noticed that Gavin was sweating profusely. His forehead was dripping with it.
“Why are you here? Did Sydney call you?”
“Yeah, I heard the bad news.”
“Why is she calling you and not me?!” Gavin shouted.
“Whoa! Chill out, Gavin.”
“Oh, don’t tell me to fuckin’ chill out. What the hell do you know about what I’m going through?”
Jay was silent. Gavin disappeared back into his bedroom. He didn’t know exactly how Gavin was feeling but as always he would be there for his best friend. Memories of having to force Gavin to eat a year ago came to mind. The way Gavin was acting was much different then that episode. This was scarier. Jay slowly walked towards Gavin’s bedroom. When he looked inside he saw why Gavin was sweating. Gavin was on his hands and knees scrubbing the floor. He watched as Gavin dipped the brush into a bucket of soapy water and continued scrubbing. Jay shook his head.
“When did you become such a clean freak?”
“I’m just doing a little cleaning just in case Sydney drops in.” Gavin tossed the brush into the bucket and stood up and smiled. Jay locked eyes with Gavin. Gavin’s eyes looked different to him. They looked glassy.
“Gavin, are you feeling okay?”
“How do you think I feel?” Gavin snapped.
“Sorry,” Jay mumbled. Then he noticed the big hole in the wall. “Dang! Gavin what did you do?”
“When I got back from proposing to Sydney I just kind of went a little crazy,” Gavin chuckled, barely smiling, staring at the hole.
Jay’s jaw dropped. “Dude, you proposed to Sydney?”
Gavin nodded slowly.
“Wow.”
“Yup. ‘Wow’ is right. Didn’t quite go as I planned, but don’t worry about me, Jay. I’m a fighter.” Gavin pretended to be a boxer and made some jabs at the air. “I’m going to get her back, man. She’ll turn around. I left her some messages on her answering machine and I left her some on her cell phone. I think she might drop by real soon.” Gavin ran a hand roughly through his damp black hair.
Jay walked over to Gavin and put a hand on his shoulder. “I don’t know why this stuff happens to you. I wish you would lay off the serious relationships already.”
“You want to know why
this stuff happens to me?” he said through clenched teeth. Jason took away his hand and stepped back. “It’s not because I won’t be a Don Juan like you. The problem is she’s scared like you, Jason!” he roared “I don’t need your fucking sympathy! I need you to fix it! Help me fix it!” Gavin clutched at his stomach. “Ahh,” he whimpered. He slapped a hand over his mouth and ran to the bathroom. Jay grimaced at the sound of him vomiting. Jay waited for Gavin to be done, then went into the bathroom and handed Gavin a cup of water. Gavin couldn’t drink it; he was too busy sitting on the bathroom floor crying.
Jay took the cup back out of Gavin’s hand and placed it on the counter. He sat down on the floor next to his best friend. Gavin wiped at his face but the tears kept on falling. “It’ll be okay, Gavin. Promise me you’ll go see Dr. Ramirez tomorrow morning.”
Gavin nodded. “I didn’t mean what I said. I’m sorry you’re always the one to deal with me like this, man.”
“You’d do the same for me.”
***
How do I explain how much this hurts? Well, my heart literally hurts. I can’t go an hour without being wracked with anxiety and the queasiness that comes with fear because the reality of not being with him keeps hitting me. I can’t go anywhere without seeing something that reminds me of him; of us. I'm perpetually on the verge of breaking into tears and I've bitten my fingernails down horribly. I haven’t spoken more than three whole sentences the entire week and that was after my mother cried and begged me to reassure her I wasn't going to hurt myself in anyway. She didn’t even cry when my father left. Every night I cry myself to sleep and I don’t think I’ve slept more than three hours at a time. My hair is a mess and I’ve been living in sweats. I’m ashamed to say I’ve forgotten to take a shower a few times. I pray every night that God help me get to the other side of this intense sharp-edged hurt that I feel.
I've been trying to rationalize having a child. People do it every day. I could do it if I had to. But then I know I wouldn't do it well. There's too much bullshit in this world and I've been scarred. Why would I want to subject an innocent child to this world? There is nothing anyone can tell me that could change my mind. I couldn't live with a child's despair, my own child's despair, on my conscience. I believe in God, but no amount of prayer is going to save a child from my mistakes or the evil people in this world. And despite Gavin’s wish a child of ours could live to experience the love we’ve shared, not everyone in the world gets to feel true love. The wheel of fortune just doesn’t work that way. Just look at what happened to us.
Let's Be Mature About This BN Page 10