Jenny put her head down on the desk and began to weep.
“Oh, Lord, where are You? I’m losing Rachel, and I’ve never really gotten Jonathan back. I am so alone. Why won’t You help me?
And then a still, small voice that she had not heard for a long time spoke into her troubled spirit.
I never said there would not be hard times. I only said I would never leave you or forsake you.
Chapter Seventeen
Many Sorrows
Rachel looked up. Jenny stood in the doorway of her room looking at the half-packed suitcase on the bed. Rachel saw the look on her mama’s face, but she steeled herself against it and continued packing.
“But where will you go, Rachel? How will you live?”
“Aren’t you forgetting, Mama? I am about to become a billionaire. The St. Clairs have several apartments in New York, and I’ll stay in one of them until Gerald and I are married. After that, we’ll see what happens.”
Rachel saw the pain on her mama’s face.
“Please, Rachel, you must not do this thing. You do not even know this man. How can you even consider marriage? What about courtship? What about getting to know each other first?”
“Gerald is handsome, he is attentive, and I believe he has come to care for me. As of now, we have a business arrangement, but who knows? I may come to love him. That would be an added bonus.”
“He only cares about the money, Rachel!”
“Gerald thinks I’m beautiful, and he told me that he feels more for me than just friendship, but that is beside the point, Mama. He is my ticket out of this place. I want to go to school to become a veterinarian. Gerald has no problem with that. The money I inherit will pay for the best schools in the world. I have already looked into the Royal Veterinary College. The St. Clairs have a house in London, and we could live there while I attend.”
“But I thought you wanted to go to Cornell?”
“What does that matter to you, Mama? Papa wouldn’t let me go to New York or help me financially, anyway. He could, you know. He made a lot of money when he was Richard Sandbridge.”
Jenny looked away. “Rachel, your papa gave most of that money away when he came back to the church. He wanted to disconnect himself from everything that happened to him in those eight years he was gone.”
Rachel turned back to her packing. “Another brilliant decision by Jonathan Hershberger, otherwise known as Richard Sandbridge.”
“Rachel, why do you hate him so?”
Rachel felt her hands clenching as she stood with her back to her mama. Then the frustration of the last four years spilled out. “What do you expect, Mama? When he left us, it nearly killed me—”
“He did not leave us, Rachel. He couldn’t help what happened.”
“Mama, let me finish.”
Jenny stopped and Rachel went on. “When he left us, everything changed. We went back to Ohio and you were so sad for so long. Everything was about you, your sorrow, your grief. What about my grief? You thought I was doing okay, but I was not. And you were so lost in your own pain that you had no time to really find out how I was feeling. At least I had grossdaadi and grossmutter, and they helped me for a while. Then they died and I was so afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Yes, Mama. I was afraid—afraid you would leave me, too. I used to wake up at night feeling like someone was standing on my chest. I just knew something was going to happen to you and then I would be completely alone. And then he came home and it did happen.”
“What happened?”
“You left me, Mama.”
“But how? I was right here all the time.”
Rachel’s voice rose. “No, Mama, you were not. Suddenly, we had a stranger in our house and everything was about him. Poor Jonathan, he’s not well. Poor Jonathan, he shouldn’t be disturbed. You never had time for me anymore and I hated that. It was like I was a stranger, standing out on the porch and looking into this house where all this love used to be, but I was out in the cold and you both were inside.”
As she spoke, Rachel stepped closer to her mama until she was standing in front of Jenny, shaking like a leaf in a storm. “You left me, Mama! You may have been here physically, but you were gone. Gone taking care of a poor fool who couldn’t even remember his name most of the time. He certainly didn’t remember me. And all he could do was shove rules down my throat. The Ordnung says this, the Ordnung says that. I got to the point where I hated the word and I hated the rules.”
Rachel took her mother by the arms and looked right into her eyes. “Don’t you understand, Mama? I hate being Amish. And now God has opened a door for me to leave. And I’m going.”
Rachel went to the closet and pulled down some more things.
“Rachel, I don’t believe it is God who has opened this door.”
“Who is it then, the devil?”
“If you consider the people you will be with, the man you are marrying—”
Rachel flung the clothes on the bed. “You don’t know what you’re talking about! You haven’t even taken the time to meet them, to talk to them.”
“But they are Englisch, Rachel.”
Rachel pointed her finger at Jenny. “And so are you, Mama. So are you. You’re a St. Clair, too, and if you will be honest, you will see that the St. Clair side of you has always fought against being Amish.”
“No, Rachel, you are wrong. I have always loved being Amish.”
“Right, Mama. That’s why you write books, and get your column published in the paper and meet people from outside the church, while everyone looks the other way. Everyone says that an Amish girl can’t become a vet. Well, what about an Amish girl who becomes a famous writer? The truth is that writing is the way you escape from everything Amish. Where do you go when you lock yourself in your room and write? You go away, Mama. You go away. For you to oppose me is so hypocritical. I expected better of you!”
Rachel turned back to her suitcase. She stared down at it for a moment and then slammed it shut. “I don’t know why I’m packing anything. I certainly won’t be wearing these clothes anymore!”
Just then, there was a knock. The bedroom door opened and Jonathan’s face peeked around.
“Hey, what’s happening? I heard yelling. Why can’t we all just mellow out here?”
Rachel’s stomach twisted. How she hated that voice! She didn’t even look at Jonathan. Her words carried a nasty bite. “Good morning, Richard.”
Jenny jerked as if she had been slapped.
Rachel re-opened the suitcase and put in a few more things. “Don’t worry, Richard, everything’s ‘cool’ in here. Jenny and I were just having a chat. I’m leaving, you know, and I’ll be gone a long time.”
Jonathan looked confused. “Where are you going?”
“I’m getting married, and I am moving to New York.”
Jonathan’s face brightened. “Oh, that’s great. You can come by and visit me at my office. Who’s the lucky guy?”
Jenny took Jonathan by the arm and began to lead him out of the room. Tears poured down her face. “Come, Jonathan. You need to lie down.”
“But, uh...but Rachel’s getting married. Aren’t we invited?”
Jenny turned. The stricken look on her mama’s face was almost too much for Rachel, but she pushed her regret aside. “The wedding is a private affair, Richard, but when I’m settled, I’ll get in touch.”
Jonathan looked at Rachel. “Well, that’s fine, just fine. The guy who’s getting you is sure lucky. You’re a beautiful girl.”
Jenny began to pull Jonathan out of the room. “Come, Jonathan. You must rest.”
Jonathan followed. Jenny closed the door behind them. Rachel heard Jonathan’s feet shuffling down the hall. Then she heard his voice. It seemed far away, lost and lonely.
“Jenny?”
“Yes, Jonathan?”
“Jenny, where’s Rachel? Where’s my Rachel? I’ve looked and looked and I can’t find her.”
Rachel began to sob,
quietly. She walked to the door and put her hand on the knob, but she couldn’t turn it. She stood there, desperately wanting to fling the door open and run after her parents, but she didn’t. Her hand slipped from the knob as tears streamed down her face. She spoke quietly into the empty space her parents had left behind them.
“I’m here, Papa, I’m here. Come and get me, Papa. I need you.”
But there was no answer.
*****
Jenny sat in the rocking chair at the foot of the bed. All the shades were pulled, and even though it was still light outside, the room was dark. Jonathan had been asleep for six hours, lying on his back like a dead man. Rachel’s words careened around Jenny’s thoughts like billiard balls.
“...what about an Amish girl who becomes a famous writer? The truth is that writing is the way you escape from everything Amish. Where do you go when you lock yourself in your room and write? You go away, Mama, you go away. For you to oppose me is so hypocritical. I expected better of you!”
“Lord, Rachel is right. I’ve used my writing to escape—from grief and sorrow, from hardship, from...from Jonathan, and yes, even from being Amish. I left her to fend for herself while I hid inside my thoughts in my room. And now it is too late. Rachel fühlt sich verlassen, she feels desolate, and so she is making a terrible decision. Oh, Lord, you must help me to make her see.”
Jonathan groaned on the bed. His voice sounded weak in the darkness. “Jenny, who are you talking to?”
“I was praying, Jonathan.”
“What about?”
“Rachel is leaving us.”
Jenny could hear the bed creak as Jonathan twisted around. “Leaving? Where is she going?”
Jenny put her face in her hands and began to cry quietly. “She met with the St. Clairs. She has been certified as the true heir to the St. Clair fortune, and she is going to marry Gerald St. Clair.”
“What! She can’t do that! The Ordnung strictly prohibits Amish girls from marrying outside our faith...”
Something snapped inside Jenny’s heart. She stood up from the chair and went to the side of the bed. She could see Jonathan’s face in the dim light. It was twisted in anger and he was struggling to get up. Jenny pushed him down and stood over him. “Ordnung! Ordnung! You have crushed our girl beneath the weight of laws that none of us can keep. What has happened to you, Jonathan? You used to understand. The Ordnung cannot save us, only Jesus Christ can. You have taken refuge in the Ordnung and forgotten about grace. We are children of grace, Jonathan, not of the law.”
“But, Jenny, the Ordnung is what defines us and makes us different. It’s what keeps us from the things of the world.”
“And what about love? Love for your family, for your only daughter. Love that would keep her warm and safe while she grew up and began to make real decisions for her own life. Times have changed, Jonathan. You could have helped Rachel. You have some of your royalty money left. You could have gone to the elders and helped them to see that an Amish veterinarian who understood our ways would be a great blessing to our community. You could have paid her way, guiding her and standing beside her. But instead, you beat her and broke her with the law.”
Jonathan trembled. “I only wanted to protect her from the world. I—”
“But you never knew her. You never asked her what she wanted. And I have been your accomplice. Rachel was right in what she said to me. I left her. I put all my focus on you and my writing and I left her alone in the dark with her fear and her grief. She didn’t need to be judged. She needed her papa and her mama. And we were gone, just as surely as if we had both been on that boat that blew up out on the ocean. And now she’s gone...”
Jenny’s heart broke and she sank to her knees. Great, gasping sobs tore from deep within her. Jonathan stared at his wife. He stretched a trembling hand toward her and touched her shoulder. Jenny twisted away.
“You have forgotten your first love, Jonathan. You have put your trust in the law but the law can’t heal you. Only Jesus can heal your mind and your heart.”
“But, Jenny, I need you.”
“No, Jonathan, you need the Lord. You need to seek Him with all your heart. He is the God who will heal you. I can’t do it anymore.”
Jonathan stood up. “I’ll stop her. I’ll make her understand.”
He went to the door and opened it. He started down the hall toward Rachel’s room. Jenny lifted herself from the floor and screamed after him.
“You fool! Don’t you understand? Rachel is gone and we have driven her away.”
Jonathan stumbled down the hall toward Rachel’s room.
“Rachel? Rachel, where are you?”
Jenny’s scream cut through the air between them like a knife.
“She’s gone! Don’t you understand, you poor, sick fool! Our daughter is gone!”
And then Jonathan stood there helplessly while the sound of Jenny’s sobs echoed through the dark and empty house.
*****
Rachel stood beside Gerald, clad in a simple white dress. A touch of makeup highlighted her perfect features, and her auburn hair was swept into a cascade of curls—she was lovely, but her face was set like stone.
Gerald kept glancing over at her. Soft music from the organist filled the chapel. Candles and flowers decorated the altar in front of them, and Augusta stood beside them, dressed in a dark, expensive suit. The Episcopal Bishop continued reading from the wedding service, but Rachel didn’t hear him. Her thoughts were far away, in a little blue house on a farm in Paradise, Pennsylvania.
Oh, Mama, Papa, what am I doing?
“Do you, Rachel, take this man, Gerald, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?”
Augusta’s soft voice interrupted Rachel’s thoughts.
“Rachel?”
Rachel looked at Gerald and Augusta. She wanted to scream “no,” and run. Run down the aisle, out of the church, and back to her home. But she didn’t. She felt the words forming in her mind and then she heard herself speaking them as if from far away. She closed her eyes.
“I do.”
Chapter Eighteen
A Two-Edged Sword
Daniel King hated days like this. The cold, blustery wind drove like nails through his coat. Icy rain slapped his face, and the gray clouds scudding overhead matched his mood. He pulled his coat tighter around him as his horse hauled the black buggy along the highway. An occasional car swept by, splashing water against the wheels and up on the floor. The red warning triangle was very visible on the back of Daniel’s rig, but there were still some Englischers who took a perverse pleasure in coming as close as they could, especially on days like this.
The storm had swept in unexpectedly behind a thick layer of gray clouds. Daniel had not paid attention to the overcast sky before he set out, and now he was paying the price. He was miserable and wet. Finally, the sign for Old Leacock Road loomed up out of the rain, and Daniel turned off the highway. He reached up and touched his shirt pocket to make sure that the letter was still there and wondered why Rachel had sent it to him.
When Rachel left Paradise she had not even said goodbye. Then today, a letter had come in the mail. It was short and seemed chatty, but Daniel knew Rachel well enough to read between the lines. Underneath the bravado, Daniel could see that something was wrong. His thoughts churned and his heart ached as he drove into the teeth of the wind. Finally, the turnoff to the King farm appeared through the mist and rain, and he gratefully guided the horse into their lane. He drove straight down to the barn and turned inside. Water dripped off the brim of his hat as he climbed down and unhitched his horse. Grabbing a towel off a rack, he dried the animal off and then led him into a stall. He sat down on a bale of hay and pulled the letter out of his pocket. The envelope was damp from the rain. It was postmarked Greenwich, CT. He pulled the letter out of the envelope and read it again.
Dear Daniel,
I hope this letter finds you
well and happy. I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry I didn’t say goodbye to you. Everything happened so quickly, but you are my best friend and I should have taken time to see you. Please forgive me.
Right now, Gerald and I are staying at the St. Clair estate in Greenwich, Connecticut, with Augusta. It’s a wonderful place, and the horses, oh Daniel! You would love the horses. They are mostly Arabians and thoroughbreds, and they are the finest money can buy. Augusta loves horses, so at least we have that in common.
As for my inheritance, there seems to be a slight delay in receiving the money, so I have to wait to apply to vet school until the spring. Mr. Duvigney, who is the administrator of my grandfather’s estate, tells me that there are quite a few financial technicalities involved in transferring such an enormous sum of money into our accounts. Of course, Augusta is not too happy about that.
As for married life, it is not quite what I expected, but then Gerald and I basically have a business deal, so the romance part of it seems to be on hold for now. We do not see things the same way. That’s because of our different backgrounds, I expect, but I am hoping that once we get to know each other better, we can resolve our differences amicably. The main thing that troubles me is that even though Augusta and Gerald go to the Episcopal Church, I don’t see the fruit of real faith in their lives. In fact, I’m not sure Gerald even believes in God, and that troubles me. Not to say that I have been the most faithful adherent either, but I do know that Gott is real, even though He seems far away right now.
Well, enough about me. I am doing what I wanted to do and that’s a good thing, I guess. When I get started at vet school I am sure I will feel a lot better about everything. In the meantime, I do get lonely for my folks and I miss our friendship. I hope this letter doesn’t get you in trouble, since I know you are not supposed to communicate with those who have left the church. But I would love to hear from you sometime.
The Amish Heiress (The Paradise Chronicles Book 1) Page 13