by J. J. R.
As he walks away, I stand stunned for a brief moment at his outpouring of kindness. I can see that even in the midst of my utter despair. I pull my coat tighter and race out into the snow barefoot and leap into the first cab I see. I am desperate to run. Run as far away from those soul-sucking, backstabbing, psychotic, manipulative corporate monsters as I possibly can.
The only thing I can whisper in my stunned silence is, “Bestie, how could you?”
Tough Lessons
Bitch Problem:
Poking fun or teasing isn’t fun anymore when it is always aimed at you. Perhaps they are joking about your outfits, your process in completing projects or something as seemingly innocent as your lunch. Regardless of how it is intended, constant mockery can start to hurt.
With all the fate in the world, I am blessed to be getting the hell out of the city next day. In fact, our flight leaves at nine o’clock on this December day and it is officially time to put on my jammies and crawl onto my parents’ couch and forget this whole thing ever happened. I’ve been fired. I was screamed at in the face by the Queen Bee last night. Fuck you. The two most debilitating words in the English language. I can still see her perfectly red outlined lips as she screamed. Her intense eyelashes around her bulging black eyes. I am pretty sure I am dead to her.
This isn’t about my resume. Or the fact that I may never work again in this town with a situation like this. In fact, I’m pretty sure Queen Bee is going to bury me. It isn’t about the sudden drop off of pay either, because as you can imagine with paychecks of that size, I’ve got myself a pretty fat savings. I won’t gush at the amount, but what I will say it is enough for our dream wedding and then to live on for up to two years after. Finn reminded me of this little fact when I fell into his arms last night sobbing. It was the setting he envisioned when I first described the plan to him a few weeks ago. In so many ways, he knew it was coming down to this. At least, I’m financially safe. Perhaps, that is why they paid me so much. It would always come down to this after all.
No, the truth is, all pay and job security aside, it is strictly about my pride. And the worst is my perception of humanity. When I saw Bestie lower his head in shame at what he had done, I knew I would be jaded forever. In some ways, I’ve always known the world was full of Puppet Masters. I knew there were bad people that are simply in it for the game. But then I would question, did something happen to them to make them mean? Were the raised by an angry family? Were they bullied in school or abused as a child? Surely there has to be a reason that God’s children turn to selfish, raging pieces of crap. And so, I find myself searching for that glimmer of hope. I feel in so many ways, I was blessed to find that softer side in almost everyone at Allure. I peeled away the layers of Ashley, Diane, Rick, and even good old Randy. I had even come to accept that Puppet Master was one of those people that had formed like Play-Doh into an evil version of herself and that nothing I could do could possibly break through. Well, at least I think I believed. Perhaps, I was always holding out for a glimpse of her true self and the same goes for Queen Bee. They were evil, but they owned it. They are happiest when they are plotting and when I tried to stop them, I learned the most valuable lesson I’ve ever learned in my profession.
The truth.
The heart of the heart.
It actually hurts to say.
But here it is…
Evil will always prevail in the Corporate World.
It doesn’t matter how Pollyanna you are. How kind and gracious and forgiving you force yourself to be. In fact, it doesn’t matter how smart, gifted, dedicated and hardworking you are either. None of it matters. The only thing that will get you to the top is how evil you are. How far are you willing to go? Will you throw your co-worker, sometimes even friend under the bus? Will you engage in gossip and spread rumors that you are never entirely sure if they are true, but you know they will escalate to just the right person and create utter sabotage? Are you determined enough to use power plays, things told in confidence, anything that you can scrape up to get you into the spotlight? Are you tough enough to smile at someone in one moment and then walk away tossing a knife in their back and willing to pretend like you had nothing to do with it? Can you pretend with genuine efforts like you give the tiniest little shit about them and then toss them to the fire?
For me? The answer started to become yes. When I say I lost faith in humanity, it is because even I, Disney-loving, animal-saving, would give the shirt off her back to a homeless person, Mel the sweetheart, started to say yes to those questions. I was conniving, malicious, gossipy, and for some reason thought I was above it all. I thought I was too talented, too smart, too good of a person to be treated in such a way, and then I actually picked up a sword and joined the fight. Who was that person whispering secrets in a dark corner of the bar to Tom last night? Who was that person traveling to Brooklyn to get dirt on Queen Bee and Puppet Master to take them down?
I am ashamed in them, but like I said. At least they own their evil. I however, thought I was a good person to the core. I’ve failed in so many ways and honestly want to curl up in a ball and die. For as it turns out, I am the Bitch.
And then there’s Bestie. He has presently called me and texted me just under seventy times begging for me to talk to him, to hear him out.
No thanks. I’m still busy getting the knife out of my back.
And as I sip my latte, clutching Finn’s arm for dear life, no makeup and yes, the baggiest sweat pants I own, I push my greasy, unkempt hair out of my face and actually take Brisa’s call. How would I know to trust her either? I don’t. And I don’t give a shit. I’ve been fired.
“Hey,” I say quietly. Finn smiles and kisses my forehead and leaves me for the magazine rack to take my call.
“God, Mel, I can’t believe it. I seriously can’t believe it. I am the worst friend in the world. I should have jumped in to help you. And Dante?”
I cut her off, “Bestie is dead to me.”
“I know, I know, he is lower than low right now. But I have to believe there was a reason. And I know for a fact that they cornered him when you walked out with Tom. They threatened him and made him spill. And everyone is talking about…” I hear her lead off into some random rant about my involvement with Tom and rumors of an affair. I listen as she gushes over the bravery on my end, the self-sacrifice and how they all owe me more than I’ll ever know. That even if it doesn’t make a difference, I shed light onto the real issues.
I smile and say thanks in all the right places before promising to join her for a drink in the New Year. But frankly, I think I may move to Alaska.
* * * *
When I fall into my mother’s arms, letting the word fired stay tucked away in the base of the plane, I start to sob. She lets me cry my damn eyes out in complete shame and failure. The only thing she even considers saying is how much she loves me.
Oh, and, “Good for you for trying to stop those am-bitch-ous old broads.”
Finn laughs and kisses her hello. “I’m pretty proud of our girl too. Injustice doesn’t stand a chance with our Mel. At least she made it pretty clear that you aren’t going to get away with that shit on her watch.” He laughs.
Dad pipes in, “I was fired once too baby. I thought in my young age that my opinion mattered and that when wrong was wrong, I could speak up and stop it. Nope. Fired. It’s unfortunately a lesson we have to learn sometimes. It doesn’t make it right. And I know your intentions were true in helping that CEO of yours out, but when our intentions aren’t pure, we learn those tough lessons.”
“Yep.” I pull from Mom’s arms and into his. “At the end of the day, Daddy, I was trying to make things better for myself. But they outwitted me and evil won.”
“No my sweetheart, I do believe you are the grand prize winner in this scenario. You see, you still have that heart of gold that will learn from your mistakes and move forward to become the strongest, kindest woman the world will ever know. They haven’t changed an ounce, so I count them as the failures her
e.”
It is in having a home and people that love you to the core, despite your weaknesses, that is the greatest gift of life. Over the next two weeks, I plan on relishing in their love and understanding. I plan to get back to who Mel was, minus a few pounds. I plan to sleep hours and hours and read all of the beautiful books from my Dad’s library. The world of Allure seems like it is a distant, terrible dream I had once. My only treasure? My fat bank account. However, I fear I may have sold my soul to earn it.
* * * *
I will say the only genuine surprise in my little sabbatical was the call from Jock around two on Christmas Day. I let it go to voicemail, but I’ll admit it, her words broke my heart just a little.
“Hey, Melanie, it’s Jock. I know, I’m probably the last person you ever want to hear from right now. And I know you won’t take my call, so I’ll make it quick. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for what I let happen to you. I should have stood up for you. I witnessed wrong doing which is even worse than the act. I am a mom after all and I can’t believe this side of me exists. I would kill my kids if they behaved this way. Anyway, please, if you can, find it in your heart on Christmas to know that it wasn’t all bad. I think you are pretty badass myself and wish I would have taken the time to actually get to know you. Oh and I wanted to tell you that you helped me to see this isn’t the right place for me. I’m quitting on Monday. Thanks for listening,” says Stevie —formerly known as Jock.
Well, at least there’s that. My team called one by one saying how devastated they were. I wish I could have said goodbye. Oh and Admin called, saying she heard the news. She even said she knew I was better than them all along and that she actually went back to school to become a teacher. Good for her. I can’t say some humanity hasn’t been restored, but I’m still disgusted as hell at Bestie. He’s left eight thousand messages, and I won’t return a single one. I couldn’t possibly hear his voice right now if you paid me. After all, he isn’t any better than Sasha on the playground all those years ago. Maybe worse.
I’m going to take a nap.
Sweet Victory (Just for Me)
Six Months Later
Bitch Problem:
The absolute worst problem you can have from being bullied at work is losing faith in yourself and your abilities. The moment the bully infiltrates your confidence, it is hard to come back from. It can cause anxiety and countless other health and mental problems. Staying in faith in your beliefs and personal strength is something no one should be able to take away from you…ever. And sometimes it is okay to say, “I am worth more and I don’t deserve this”.
I will not lie. I hit rock bottom pretty friggin’ hard when I was fired six months ago. I roamed this city in sheer devastation. I stopped showering. I cried incessantly. When I finally pulled myself out of bed to feed Oliver, I only stuffed myself with Oreos. I went from ten pounds under to five pounds over my old weight and that pissed me off more than anything.
And then Finn took me by the arms and gave me a good firm kiss. “Babe. You have got to stop moping. You can’t let them defeat you like this. Get dressed, I’m taking you for martinis and ice cream.”
So, despite my efforts to resist, his charms won out in the end. I showered, put on my biggest pair of jeans and loped after him to get a drink.
It ended up being exactly what I needed, because it was in a charming little hole in the wall in the Upper West Side—oxymoron I know—that it hit me.
I was once again going on and on about the details of my mental breakdown when he said it. “You know, all of this shit is just crazy enough to sell in a book. After all, you’ve got all the time in the world babe. Give it a go?”
And with those simple, sweet little four words, I gave it a go!
I went from crying and sleeping constantly to writing with intense passion all hours of the day. I wrote until two in the morning, took a nap, and then flung from my shallow slumber to write until the sun came up. I barely showered, barely ate and behold, my weight dropped right the hell back down. Best diet plan ever.
I submitted to over a hundred agents in the city and prayed like I was praying for my first born. I was a nervous wreck for sixty-seven long days and then I got the call that changed my life forever.
I was invited in to meet with a delightful literary agent in a skyscraper in Mid-Manhattan. She believed in me so much that she agreed to sign me on the spot. And even better, I could have peed myself when she called to announce a month later that Penguin Random House had scooped me up with a fifty thousand first run and advance to boot! I’d done it! I was a published author!
Finn and I celebrated for an entire week straight with champagne and the best part was, this was a genuine celebration. It was something I earned all by myself. No favors, no false promises, just me and my writing.
Isn’t it Dumbo who once said, “The very things that hold you down are going to lift you up”? God, I love Dumbo. So smart.
* * * *
So, here I stand on this glorious summer’s day. I’m clutching my bottled water, giving it a squeeze of nervousness. Finn kisses my cheek and gently removes the water from my hand. I straighten out my cream pantsuit and adjust my pearls before my name is announced by Maryanne from Penguin Random House.
“Please join me in welcoming our gorgeous and brilliant, Melanie Michaels, author of the New York Times Best Selling debut novel, Corporate Bitches.”
The crowd of about two hundred cheers and leaps to their feet and I feel a swell of pride so deep that I may actually pass out in my pantsuit. Mom and Dad give me a quick kiss. Jade and Kate pull me into a fierce hug, and I make my way out onto the stage to offer a wave of hello. Looking out at all of those faces, clutching my book. My pain is their pain. They know the deepest, inner secrets of me and yet they still love me.
As I scan the crowd, my breath catches as I see Bestie and Brisa standing side by side with the rest of my old Allure team, holding my book and waving energetically. I stand up a little straighter, smile gently and embrace my crowd.
My crowd.
* * * *
After my reading, I sign every single copy for the crowd. My hand is cramping, but I can’t even feel it. I smile for selfies, laugh at jokes, and hug over twenty babies. Finn is standing next to my table with a look of pure pride and adoration, and all is right with the world.
Until Bestie approaches my table with my book in his hand. The rest of the team is right behind him with huge smiles on their faces, including Diane, Lucy, Brody, Rick, Randy, Ashley, Stevie, Jen, Julie, Angie, and reluctant Rachel. My chest swells with love at their warm smiles. I want to be so mad at Bestie when he approaches.
“Sorry, it was the only way I knew you would have to listen,” he says and holds up a hand in defense. His frames are plain black today, and I know it is reflecting his mood. “Mel, my fearless friend, please forgive me.” I watch as tears slip down behind his glasses. “They threatened my job, and I was terrified. They cornered me right as you were going to talk to Tom, and I panicked. I would have had to move back home to my mother’s in Ohio. I’d give anything to take it back.”
I glance around at the line of over a hundred people behind him.
He urgently continues, “I’d take it back. Every word if I could just have you back in my life. Our friendship was real, I promise. I love you, Mel. I had a weak moment and I’ll never forgive myself. Will you just sign my book?” He slips it across the table and I can feel the crowd watching as I’m forced to sign.
“I’ve left Allure, by the way. Brisa and I both. We started a coffee shop in SoHo. Nothing fancy, just the two of us. We think about you every day. I hope you’ll come write there sometime.”
I smile politely and slip him the book. “I’m so sorry, Mel,” he whispers and the tears start to fall again.
As he walks away, I turn to sign the next book as he opens the cover and smiles as he reads, “I forgive you, Dante.”
* * * *
My wedding is next week and perhaps in th
e spirt of needing complete closure, I skip out into the warm sunshine one Friday afternoon and hail a cab. Tonight is our Diner’s Club and I’m sure Jade will be anxious to hear about the final chapter in this whirlwind of story. The cab driver drops me off at Wine Disciples Enoteca, where I pay and step toward my final destination. I see her car parked out front and I don’t even panic. This is something I’ve needed to do for a while.
I enter the restaurant, nod at Andre as I round the corner to see her sitting in her usual booth. She has a tight black, sleeveless dress on with gold bangles and gold four inch heels, showing off her tight, little figure.
I, however, am presently in a pair of grey leggings, an oversized shirt and ballet flats with my hair pulled back into a messy ponytail. It’s the first time that I’ve see Queen Bee and not a pinch of jealously or idolatry occurs. She looks good, but I feel better.
I smile as she sips her Spritz Veneziano. Nothing has changed, nothing at all.
“Queen Bee?” I say.
She looks up. I study her face as her first instinct is to smile fakely and then her eyes narrow. “You,” she whispers. “What do you want?”
“May I?” I point to her chair.
“If you wish.”
“I came to apologize. So please, here me out.”
She grunts and takes a sip of her drink, giving me the go-ahead.
“You see, I am not apologizing for acknowledging the imprudent and pathetic behaviors of Allure, but I would like to apologize for how I handled things. I never should have done what I did. I should have come to you personally with how I was being treated, but I didn’t think you would listen, because you were part of it. I’ve never been treated that way in my life and I didn’t deserve one second of it. But instead of addressing you head on or just leaving because I was so disappointed, I stooped to your level and sold you up the river.”
She opens her perfectly glossed lips to stop me, but I put up a hand and keep forging ahead. “I heard what you said about me in your office that day. It is something I heard first hand, versus all of the other rumored things. I want you to know that I’m aware of what you thought of me and that you didn’t want me there, but only to use as a pawn in your game. I see how you treat everyone there and your favoritism. It isn’t right. And it isn’t okay. The only mistake I ever made was trusting you and thinking I could get you to see what you were doing.”