‘Absent, indeed!’ grunted a knowing chairman, watching the receding figures of the three gentlemen. ‘Body o’ me! But it was the cane that was about to be absent!’
Chapter XVI
Whackum: My dear rogues, dear boys, Bluster and Dingboy!
You are the bravest fellows that ever scoured yet!
Shadwell’s Scourers
Cato, the Thessalian, was wont to say, that some things may be done unjustly, that many things may be done justly.
Lord Bacon (being a justification of every rascality)
Although our three worthies had taken unto themselves a splendid lodging in Milson Street, which to please Ned was over a hair-dresser’s shop; yet, instead of returning thither, or repairing to such taverns as might seem best befitting their fashion and garb, they struck at once from the gay parts of the town, and tarried not till they reached a mean-looking alehouse in a remote suburb.
The door was opened to them by an elderly lady; and Clifford, stalking before his companions into an apartment at the back of the house, asked if the other gentlemen were come yet.
‘No,’ returned the dame. ‘Old Mr Bags came in about ten minutes ago; but, hearing more work might be done, he went out again.’
‘Bring the lush and the pipes, old blone!’ cried Ned, throwing himself on a bench; ‘we are never at a loss for company!’
‘You, indeed, never can be, who are always inseparably connected with the object of your admiration,’ said Tomlinson, drily, and taking up an old newspaper. Ned, who, though choleric, was a capital fellow, and could bear a joke on himself, smiled, and, drawing forth a little pair of scissors, began trimming his nails.
‘Curse me,’ said he, after a momentary silence, ‘if this is not a devilish deal pleasanter than playing the fine gentleman in that great room with a rose in one’s button-hole! What say you, Master Lovett?’
Clifford (as henceforth, despite his other aliases, we shall denominate our hero), who had thrown himself at full length on a bench at the far end of the room, and who seemed plunged into a sullen reverie, now looked up for a moment, and then, turning round and presenting the dorsal part of his body to Long Ned, muttered, ‘Pish!’
‘Hark ye, Master Lovett!’ said Long Ned, colouring. ‘I don’t know what has come over you of late; but I would have you to learn that gentlemen are entitled to courtesy and polite behaviour: and so, d’ye see, if you ride your high horse upon me, splice my extremities if I won’t have satisfaction!’
‘Hist, man, be quiet,’ said Tomlinson, philosophically snuffing the candles. ‘“For companions to quarrel, / Is extremely immoral.” Don’t you see that the captain is in a reverie? What good man ever loves to be interrupted in his meditations? – Even Alfred the Great could not bear it! Perhaps, at this moment, with the true anxiety of a worthy chief, the captain is designing something for our welfare!’
‘Captain, indeed!’ muttered Long Ned, darting a wrathful look at Clifford, who had not deigned to pay any attention to Mr Pepper’s threat. ‘For my part I cannot conceive what was the matter with us when we chose this green slip of the gallows-tree for our captain of the district. To be sure, he did very well at first, and that robbery of the old lord was not ill-planned – but lately –’
‘Nay, nay,’ quoth Augustus, interrupting the gigantic grumbler, ‘the nature of man is prone to discontent. Allow that our present design of setting up the gay Lothario, and trying our chances at Bath for an heiress, is owing as much to Lovett’s promptitude as to our invention.’
‘And what good will come of it?’ returned Ned, as he lighted his pipe. ‘Answer me that. Was I not dressed as fine as a lord – and did not I walk three times up and down that great room without being a jot the better for it?’
‘Ah! But you know not how many secret conquests you may have made: you cannot win a prize by looking upon it.’
‘Humph!’ grunted Ned, applying himself discontentedly to the young existence of his pipe.
‘As for the captain’s partner,’ renewed Tomlinson, who maliciously delighted in exciting the jealousy of the handsome ‘tax-collector,’ for that was the designation by which Augustus thought proper to style himself and companions, ‘I will turn Tory if she be not already half in love with him; and did you hear the old gentleman who cut into our rubber say what a fine fortune she had? Faith, Ned, it is lucky for us two that we all agreed to go shares in our marriage speculations; I fancy the worthy captain will think it a bad bargain for himself.’
‘I am not so sure of that, Mr Tomlinson,’ said Long Ned, sourly eyeing his comrade.
‘Some women may be caught by a smooth skin and a showy manner, but real masculine beauty, – eyes, colour, and hair, – Mr Tomlinson, must ultimately make its way: so hand me the brandy and cease your jaw.’
‘Well, well,’ said Tomlinson, ‘I’ll give you a toast – “The prettiest girl in England;” – and that’s Miss Brandon!’
‘You shall give no such toast, sir!’ said Clifford, starting from the bench. – ‘What the devil is Miss Brandon to you? And now, Ned,’ – seeing that the tall hero looked on him with an unfavourable aspect – ‘here’s my hand, forgive me if I was uncivil. Tomlinson will tell you, in a maxim, men are changeable. Here’s to your health; and it shall not be my fault, gentlemen, if we have not a merry evening!’
This speech, short as it was, met with great applause from the two friends; and Clifford, as president, stationed himself in a huge chair at the head of the table. Scarcely had he assumed this dignity, before the door opened, and half-a-dozen of the gentlemen confederates trooped somewhat noisily into the apartment.
‘Softly, softly, messieurs,’ said the president, recovering all his constitutional gaiety, yet blending it with a certain negligent command – ‘respect for the chair, if you please! ’Tis the way with all assemblies where the public purse is a matter of deferential interest!’
‘Hear him!’ cried Tomlinson.
‘What, my old friend Bags!’ said the president, ‘you have not come empty-handed, I will swear; your honest face is like the table of contents to the good things in your pockets!’
‘Ah, Captain Clifford,’ said the veteran, groaning, and shaking his reverend head, ‘I have seen the day when there was not a lad in England forked so largely, so comprehensively-like, as I did. But, as King Lear says at Common Garden, “I be’s old now!”’
‘But your zeal is as youthful as ever, my fine fellow,’ said the captain, soothingly; ‘and if you do not clean out the public as thoroughly as heretofore, it is not the fault of your inclinations.’
‘No, that it is not!’ cried the ‘tax-collectors’ unanimously.
‘And if ever a pocket is to be picked neatly, quietly, and effectively,’ added the complimentary Clifford, ‘I do not know to this day, throughout the three kingdoms, a neater, quieter, and more effective set of fingers than Old Bags’s!’
The veteran bowed disclaimingly, and took his seat among the heartfelt good wishes of the whole assemblage.
‘And now, gentlemen,’ said Clifford, as soon as the revellers had provided themselves with their wonted luxuries, potatory and fumous, ‘let us hear your adventures, and rejoice our eyes with their produce. The gallant Attie shall begin – but first, a toast, – “May those who leap from a hedge never leap from a tree!”’
This toast being drunk with enthusiastic applause, Fighting Attie began the recital of his little history.
‘You sees, captain,’ said he, putting himself in a martial position, and looking Clifford full in the face, ‘that I’m not addicted to much blarney. Little cry and much wool is my motto. At ten o’clock a.m. saw the enemy – in the shape of a Doctor of Divinity. “Blow me,” says I to Old Bags, “but I’ll do his reverence!” – “Blow me,” says Old Bags, “but you sha’n’t – you’ll have us scragged if you touches the church.” – “My grandmother!” says I. Bags tells the pals – all in a fuss about it – what care I? – I puts on a decent dress, and goes to the doctor as a d
ecayed soldier, wot supplies the shops in the turning line. His reverence – a fat jolly dog as ever you see – was at dinner over a fine roast pig. So I tells him I have some bargains at home for him. Splice me, if the doctor did not think he had got a prize! So he puts on his boots, and he comes with me to my house. But when I gets him into a lane, out come my pops. “Give up, doctor,” says I, “others must share the goods of the church now.” You has no idea what a row he made: but I did the thing, and there’s an end on’t.’
‘Bravo, Attie!’ cried Clifford, and the word echoed round the board. Attie put a purse on the table, and the next gentleman was called to confession.
‘It skills not, boots not,’ gentlest of readers, to record each of the narratives that now followed one another. Old Bags, in especial, preserved his well-earned reputation, by emptying six pockets, which had been filled with every possible description of petty valuables. Peasant and prince appeared alike to have come under his hands; and, perhaps, the good old man had done in one town more towards effecting an equality of goods among different ranks, than all the Reformers, from Cornwall to Carlisle. Yet so keen was his appetite for the sport, that the veteran appropriator absolutely burst into tears at not having ‘forked more.’
‘I love a warm-hearted enthusiasm,’ cried Clifford, handling the movables, while he gazed lovingly on the ancient purloiner: – ‘May new cases never teach us to forget Old Bags!’
As soon as this ‘sentiment’ had been duly drunk, and Mr Bagshot had dried his tears and applied himself to his favourite drink – which, by the way, was ‘blue ruin,’ the work of division took place. The discretion and impartiality of the captain in this arduous part of his duty attracted universal admiration; and each gentleman having carefully pouched his share, the youthful president hemmed thrice, and the society became aware of a purposed speech.
‘Gentlemen!’ began Clifford, – and his main supporter, the sapient Augustus, shouted out ‘Hear!’ – ‘Gentlemen, you all know that when, some months ago, you were pleased, – partly at the instigation of Gentleman George, – God bless him! – partly from the exaggerated good opinion expressed of me by my friends, – to elect me to the high honour of the command of this district, I myself was by no means ambitious to assume that rank, which I knew well was far beyond my merits, and that responsibility which I knew, with equal certainty, was too weighty for my powers. Your voices, however, overruled my own; and as Mr Muddlepud, the great metaphysician, in that excellent paper, the Asinæum, was wont to observe, “the susceptibilities, innate, extensible, incomprehensible, and eternal,” existing in my bosom, were infinitely more powerful than the shallow suggestions of reason – that ridiculous thing which all wise men and judicious Asinæans sedulously stifle.’
‘Plague take the man, what is he talking about?’ said Long Ned, who we have seen was of an envious temper, in a whisper to Old Bags. Old Bags shook his head.
‘In a word, gentlemen,’ renewed Clifford, ‘your kindness overpowered me; and, despite my cooler inclinations, I accepted your flattering proposal. Since then I have endeavoured, so far as I have been able, to advance your interests; I have kept a vigilant eye upon all my neighbours; I have, from county to county, established numerous correspondents; and our exertions have been carried on with a promptitude that has ensured success.
‘Gentlemen, I do not wish to boast, but on these nights of periodical meetings, when every quarter brings us to go halves – when we meet in private to discuss the affairs of the public – show our earnings, as it were, in privy council, and divide them amicably, as it were, in the cabinet’ – ‘Hear! Hear!’ from Mr Tomlinson – ‘it is customary for your captain for the time being to remind you of his services, engage your pardon for his deficiencies, and your good wishes for his future exertions. – Gentlemen! Has it ever been said of Paul Lovett that he heard of a prize and forgot to tell you of his news?’ – ‘Never! Never!’ Loud cheering – ‘Has it ever been said of him that he sent others to seize the booty, and stayed at home to think how it should be spent?’ – ‘No! No!’ Repeated cheers – ‘Has it ever been said of him that he took less share than his due of your danger, and more of your guineas?’ – Cries in the negative, accompanied with vehement applause – ‘Gentlemen, I thank you for these flattering and audible testimonials in my favour; but the points on which I have dwelt, however necessary to my honour, would prove but little for my merits; they might be worthy notice in your comrade, you demand more subtle duties in your chief. Gentlemen! Has it ever been said of Paul Lovett that he sent out brave men on forlorn hopes? That he hazarded your own heads by rash attempts in acquiring pictures of King George’s? That zeal, in short, was greater in him than caution? Or that his love of a quid* ever made him neglectful of your just aversion to a quod?’† Unanimous cheering.
‘Gentlemen! Since I have had the honour to preside over your welfare, Fortune, which favours the bold, has not been unmerciful to you! But three of our companions have been missed from our peaceful festivities. One, gentlemen, I myself expelled from our corps for ungentlemanlike practices: he picked pockets of fogles‡ – it was a vulgar employment. Some of you, gentlemen, have done the same for amusement – Jack Littlefork did it for occupation. I expostulated with him in public and in private; Mr Pepper cut his society; Mr Tomlinson read him an essay on Real Greatness of Soul: all was in vain. He was pumped by the mob for the theft of a bird’s eye wipe. The fault I had borne with – the detection was unpardonable; I expelled him. – Who’s here so base as would be a fogle-hunter? If any, speak; for him have I offended! Who’s here so rude as would not be a gentleman? If any, speak; for him have I offended! I pause for a reply! What, none! Then none have I offended’ – loud cheers – ‘Gentlemen, I may truly add, that I have done no more to Jack Littlefork than you should do to Paul Lovett! The next vacancy in our ranks was occasioned by the loss of Patrick Blunderbull. You know, gentlemen, the vehement exertions that I made to save that misguided creature, whom I had made exertions no less earnest to instruct. But he chose to swindle under the name of the “Honourable Captain Smico;” the Peerage gave him the lie at once; his case was one of aggravation, and he was so remarkably ugly, that he “created no interest.” He left us for a foreign exile; and if, as a man, I lament him, I confess to you, gentlemen, as a “tax-collector,” I am easily consoled.
‘Our third loss must be fresh in your memory. Peter Popwell, as bold a fellow as ever breathed, is no more!’ – a movement in the assembly – ‘Peace be with him! He died on the field of battle; shot dead by a Scotch Colonel, whom poor Popwell thought to rob of nothing with an empty pistol. His memory, gentlemen – in solemn silence!
‘These make the catalogue of our losses,’ resumed the youthful chief, so soon as the ‘red cup had crowned the memory’ of Peter Popwell. ‘I am proud, even in sorrow, to think that the blame of those losses rests not with me. And now, friends and followers! Gentlemen of the Road, the Street, the Theatre, and the Shop! Prigs, Toby-men, and Squires of the Cross! According to the laws of our Society, I resign into your hands that power which for two quarterly terms you have confided to mine, ready to sink into your ranks as a comrade, nor unwilling to renounce the painful honour I have borne; – borne with much infirmity, it is true; but at least with a sincere desire to serve that cause with which you have entrusted me.’
So saying, the captain descended from his chair amidst the most uproarious applause; and as soon as the first burst had partially subsided, Augustus Tomlinson rising, with one hand in his breeches’ pocket, and the other stretched out, said:
‘Gentlemen, I move that Paul Lovett be again chosen as our Captain for the ensuing term of three months.’ – deafening cheers – ‘Much might I say about his surpassing merits; but why dwell upon that which is obvious? Life is short! Why should speeches be long? Our lives, perhaps, are shorter than the lives of other men: why should not our harangues be of a suitable brevity? Gentlemen, I shall say but one word in favour of my excellent friend; of mine, say
I? Ay, of mine, of yours. He is a friend to all of us! A prime minister is not more useful to his followers, and more burdensome to the public than I am proud to say is – Paul Lovett!’ – loud plaudits – ‘What I shall urge in his favour is simply this: the man whom opposite parties unite in praising must have super-eminent merit. Of all your companions, gentlemen, Paul Lovett is the only man who to that merit can advance a claim.’ – applause – ‘You all know, gentlemen, that our body has long been divided into two factions; each jealous of the other – each desirous of ascendancy – and each emulous which shall put the greatest number of fingers into the public pie. In the language of the vulgar, the one faction would be called “swindlers,” and the other “highwaymen.” I, gentlemen, who am fond of finding new names for things, and for persons, and am a bit of a politician, call the one Whigs, and the other Tories.’ – clamorous cheering – ‘Of the former body, I am esteemed no uninfluential member; of the latter faction, Mr Bags is justly considered the most shining ornament. Mr Attie and Mr Edward Pepper can scarcely be said to belong entirely to either; they unite the good qualities of both; “British compounds” some term them; I term them Liberal Aristocrats!’ – cheers – ‘I now call upon you all, Whig or Swindler, Tory or Highwayman; “British Compounds” or Liberal Aristocrats; I call upon you all, to name me one man whom you will all agree to elect?’
All: ‘Lovett for ever!’
‘Gentlemen!’ continued the sagacious Augustus, ‘that shout is sufficient; without another word, I propose, as your Captain, Mr Paul Lovett.’
‘And I seconds the motion!’ said old Mr Bags.
Our hero, being now, by the unanimous applause of his confederates, restored to the chair of office, returned thanks in a neat speech; and Scarlet Jem declared, with great solemnity, that it did equal honour to his head and heart.
Paul Clifford Page 22