“Shy, it’s fine, really. Last night did not go the way I planned at all, in many ways. For what it’s worth, nothing happened between me and Tatyana. She came over and we talked, and she left. At the gala, I found out we had a common interest, and against my better judgement, I thought I should follow up, but we were not compatible.”
“It’s none of my business.” Please, tell me more.
“What you said was right Shy. I have been skating around the issue, but I have to say this. If you decide to leave H.I. I’ll understand.”
“No, I love working at H.I. I thought you were going to fire me.”
“Fire? No, no,” he says, shaking his head. “Shy, I am just going to go out and say it. I like you Shyla. No, it’s more than that, I care about you. More than I ever have about any woman. I think you are intelligent, funny, compassionate, and beautiful. You have to understand, I feel indifferent towards most people, but something about you gets to me and I’ve been aware of it since the moment we met.” My heart dances. “But, there are things about me, things I can’t share. I want to be around you, and I would like to continue to work with you, but the games I have been playing are cruel and they serve only me. It is a way for me to have you on a deeper level, since we can’t be together physically.” I am stupefied. How can someone who is constantly using games and innuendo flip a switch and put everything out there so quickly? The moment I thought I wanted is now here, but I don’t know how to process this. He is not inviting me to be with him, so there is no decision to make. He just wants to me to move along and forget this conversation ever happened, all for reasons he won’t even tell me. He sits quietly, staring at me with his crystal eyes, waiting for me to say something back. I decide to take his route and let it all out. I am not as good as he is at this, but I have nothing to lose at this point.
“That’s not true. I don’t know what you think it is I can’t handle, but you don’t get to be the judge. Just tell me. What are you hiding? I won’t quit.”
“Shy, I just...I can’t.” He looks down. “I am one of those people who is better off alone and you will be better off living your life the way it is. I don’t do relationships.”
“Who said I wanted a relationship?”
“You would not want to be with me unless we were in a normal relationship. Trust me.”
“Normal relationship? What does that even mean?”
“It means that I want you to know the truth about how I feel about you, but that nothing else can come of it.”
“You know, you talk of being cruel and playing games, and here you are still doing it. Fine, if that is how you feel, we’ll continue to work together. Whenever, if ever, you are ready to tell me, I will be here, but no more messing with my head just for your own pleasure. You cannot play with someone’s heart like that unless you intend to make use of it.” I rise up from the table having lost my appetite and quite frankly irritated by Taylor’s continued secretiveness. “Taylor, I did like the games, I was just hoping they would go somewhere.”
I walk away without looking back. During the plane ride home, I sleep and keep my earphones in to drown out the world. I tell Lizzy I am hungover and things are going to be awkward between Henry and I for a while, so I don’t have to worry about talking to either one of them. Taylor and I don’t say a word to each other. I try to imagine how we will work together. I don’t think there is tremendous anger on either side, but we have now both acknowledged the reality. He wants me. It wasn’t all in my head. I didn’t say it, but he knows I want him too. We have to be around each other daily knowing that this is what is between us. Maybe, like he said, in time this would get better. All the cards are now out on the table, and we can treat it like any other fact that we know about each other.
I do believe him about Tatyana even though I have no way of really knowing the truth. He said they have something in common, but he won’t tell me what. It bothers me that a complete stranger gets to know more about him than I do. I wrack my brain about what clues she could provide. Does it have to do with Russia? Are they spies? Okay, I am getting way off track here...Is he a serial killer? Unlikely. Was he in prison? That can’t be it. I can’t imagine what he could be so guarded about. I already know about his anxiety issues. His secret and the anxiety have to be tied in some way.
My thoughts suddenly go back to what he said to me at the table. The games he played were a form of foreplay...the food, the underwear. It was all supposed to satisfy an urge for him, but instead, it just made us both want each other more. Then I remember Rick. I have been nothing but terrible since I met Taylor. I have been nice, sure, but I have been absent. Rick has to know this, but I believe he is trying to cling to our relationship just like I am. I need to let him go. My eyes begin to well up. Shit, not here on the plane in front of everyone. I don’t know how to do it, how to look him in the eye and tell him what we both already know. It hurts just to think about it. It feels like I am killing a living being. Our relationship is an organism constantly evolving and now I will have to put it down. I pray that Rick has the guts to do it, because while I know it’s the right thing I am not sure if I can. It’s so easy to break up when you are fighting, or you can’t get along, but how do look someone in the eyes on a gorgeous Sunday morning over a cup of coffee and tell them it’s time to move on? I bury my head in my blanket and silently let the slow stream of tears roll down my cheek.
It is late evening by the time we land. I convinced Rick before leaving that I would get a ride home from Harrison knowing how late our arrival would be. I am now regretting this decision. I know if Taylor catches wind of me trying to get a cab, he will insist I ride with him. We all get our bags at the same time. I hug Lizzy and give an awkward wave to Henry as they go right into their cars. I nonchalantly try to slip away and find a cab on my own when I hear Taylor utter the first words to me since breakfast.
“Shy!” Dammit. I look back, he cocks his head directing me to come over. “Get in.” His face and tone displays disapproval of my choice to grab a cab. I nod to Harrison.
“Welcome back Ms. Ball.” Same to you Harrison, it’s so good to finally be around a sane person.
Taylor breaks the silence.
“I know what happened between you and Henry last night.” I really didn’t need him to know that.
“Nothing happened. I shut him down very quickly.” I want to make sure there aren’t false versions of the story circulating.
“I know. He told me. He feels awful. He’s been quite smitten by you too. You have that effect on men.” I do?
“Henry is not smitten, he just thinks I’m a sweet piece of ass that you hired.” Taylor’s eyes widen with recognition. “Yes, Taylor, I heard what he said the day we met. Because of that, I was quite bitchy to him for a while, but I let my guard down because I found him endearing, then before I know it he’s feeling me up in an elevator.” Taylor’s eyes narrow and his jaw tenses.
“I’ll be honest, I wanted to knock him the fuck out.” His voice is eerily calm and almost matter of fact when he says this. “He doesn’t know how I feel about you. If he did, he never would have done that.” It’s so weird how his words convey passion while he displays such a cool exterior. I can’t help but smile because Taylor is usually so aloof. It is as if others only exist around him if he needs them, or if their well-being directly affects his. However, in this instance, his need to protect me comes from a place of passion, and again, it makes me feel part of an exclusive club.
“Did you tell him? That you...that we...”
“No. There’s no point in sharing that information with him, but I gave him a stern reminder about how he should treat coworkers at H.I. That guy is a walking erection.”
I laugh. Taylor’s stone cold delivery makes the line even funnier. “That’s probably good. Have him and Lizzy...you know...? I’ve always wondered about those two.”
“I think so, but I never asked. I rather not know. She’s like a sister to me.”
“I have to s
ay, you surround yourself with interesting characters. I’ll include myself in that statement.”
“Well, brilliant people tend to come with interesting personalities, it’s part of the territory.”
“I guess so. Henry told me how you courted him. You always get the people you want, don’t you?”
“Not always.” One of his double meanings strikes again. He looks deeply into my eyes as he says this. I decide to lighten the air; we might as well have little fun with the shared knowledge we now have. I know I am treading dangerous water, but even though I said I wanted it to stop, I want to be able to pull the strings a bit myself. It’s not fair that he was the only one that got to have fun.
“Well, you should have seen me last night. I wore a hot little number for you.” He perks up and runs his hand through his hair. Is he blushing?
“Oh but I did, remember? You looked really sexy. You have the most amazing legs. Was that really for me?”
“Always is.” I sit comfortably back into my seat and cross my legs, feeling a bit powerful. I look up at the rearview mirror and see Harrison holding the slightest grin on his face. I point to the front of the car and mouth to Taylor that Harrison can hear us. He leans forward, so close that even though he isn’t touching me, I get goosebumps. “The things that man has heard driving this car, this is just child’s play.” He cooly eases back to his seat. His voice was so seductive, and I could feel his warm breath on my neck. We need to stop this, but what I really want is for him to jump on me right now. I begin to take him in. His hair looks unkempt today. He has some stubble and is wearing a heather gray T-shirt that hugs all the right places, and a pair of light colored jeans. The gray in the shirt brings out the blue in his eyes. He wears a pair of vintage-looking sneakers. He looks so relaxed and sexy. Okay, just one more comment and I’ll stop.
“You look really hot right now.” I grin. He shakes his head and looks down, I think he is blushing again.
“Shy, we have to stop this. This could get dangerous.”
“You’re right, but we should have a little fun while we can. Once I leave the car tonight, we forget it all. We’ve managed it so far, I am sure we can go back.” Knowing this may be the last and only time I can ever say what I want to say, I become more emboldened.
“You’ve said that you like me, but I don’t think I have said much about what I feel.”
“Do tell.” He leans back and crosses his ankle over his knee. It reminds me of when he interviewed me.
“I mean this in a purely factual way. I am sure if we could study this in a lab, it would be valid. So I don’t feel shy saying this. You are the most beautiful man I have ever met. I am sure you know this, people are stunned when you walk into a room. It’s just a fact. You’re rich, powerful, and good looking. You could have anyone. So, I never thought you would want me.” My voice quivers as I say this. I have never expressed myself like that to anyone before or shared my insecurities with someone so openly. Exposing myself this much may not have been wise, but the words just poured out of me. He has that effect on me. His eyes go from playful to serious very quickly.
“Shyla, all those things you listed don’t make a person. They don’t. I mean it. You are beautiful, both inside and outside, but please don’t look to me to validate that. You have to know if for yourself.” His voice is so tender. I have never seen him like this, so expressive. He looks at me so earnestly with those gleaming eyes of his. “All right Shy, we have to stop this game.”
“I’m sorry, I crossed a line. I shouldn’t have said that.”
“No, that’s not it. I love hearing you speak. It’s just that I want to kiss you so badly and I know I never will.”
“Never...” I repeat the word under my breath, the last bit of hope fading with my voice.
“Shy...you have no idea, how much I want to...Maybe we can’t work together.”
“No, we can make it work. We can be friends and work together.”
“Shy, I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
“Taylor! That’s not it at all. I love working with you and Henry, Lizzy and Marsha and everyone. I feel like I am working towards something. I am just really confused right now. I feel horrible about all this. Rick doesn’t deserve this either.”
“Are you happy with Rick?” The question catches me off-guard because I haven’t explicitly asked myself that question in a long time.
“Every relationship has its ups and downs, but Rick is great. He’s one of my best friends and he is a really good guy. Most girls would kill for a guy like him.”
“That’s a long answer for a simple yes or no question.”
“Not everything can be answered with a simple yes or no.”
We arrive at my building. I don’t want this ride to end. I lean over and brush his hand. There is so much more I want to say and hear from him.
“Goodnight,” I say as if it is the last time we will ever see each other and in a way, it is.
“Night,” he says in a low voice.
Harrison helps me with my bags and once I close the door behind him, I begin to cry again. I am glad Rick is fast asleep. I have never cried so much in a 24 hour period. Anger, sadness, happiness, grief, all these emotions well up inside of me.
My phone pings.
Mr. Holden:
Let’s work at H.I. this week, it’ll help us establish some normality.
Just like that, the romance is over. I had him just for one car ride. I had him, and now he’s gone again.
***
The next week is bittersweet torture. He is almost as formal as he was in the interview room weeks ago. It’s as if he is going to the extreme to prove we can coexist as business associates. Who are we fooling? Putting our feelings out into the world made us both feel great, but the knowledge is impossible to shut back into its tight box. I have to give it to Taylor, if there is someone who can put on a great poker face, it’s him. But sometimes it sneaks through; randomly during meetings we catch each other’s eyes and hold the glance for an extra fraction of a second. There is no smile, no wink, no knowing smirk, but I still get an electric feeling. I reassure myself that his cold demeanor is the only way he can keep me around and that underneath the facade there are still warm feelings.
Things have hit a comfortable spot between Rick and I. Most nights I make it home at a reasonable enough hour for us to have dinner together. I continue to bide some time while I try to get my head right. I keep hoping that Taylor is just a phase, and if I wait it out long enough, one day I will come home and the spark I felt for Rick will spontaneously reignite. I know the heady feelings of being in love do not last forever, and everything that is new becomes old. Nothing good would come of telling Rick about Taylor. What is there to tell him? What’s the point in revealing intangibles such as feelings and emotions? Taylor and I have not been together nor do we have plans to do so. I am not ready to leave Rick. I don’t want to hurt Rick. I don’t want to lose him.
I don’t want to be alone.
***
It’s been three weeks since my return from Russia and I have Friday lunch plans with Kristin. I haven’t seen her in almost two months and I desperately need her comforting presence. She is easy to spot in a crowd: large fluffy curls, perfect brown skin, bright red lipstick, and a huge fringe purse make her an oasis in a desert of black and grey suits.
When I arrive at the cafe, I am overwhelmed with emotion: Seeing her smile, her familiar and stable presence, someone who has known me since I was 14. Right now she is the only constant in a world that is full of anything but.
“Shyla...what’s wrong?” She asks with deep concern in her voice. I don’t know what to tell her: that I think I am through with Rick and that my mysterious and gorgeous boss has completely consumed my life and thoughts? I can’t tell her the details of my relationship with Taylor, and it hits me: Even this rock, this person whom I could tell anything, Taylor has changed my relationship with her too. There isn’t a part of my world that isn’t affect
ed by him.
“Oh, I am just happy to see you. I have been really stressed with the new job.”
“I have never seen you like this. You never cry.”
“I know, maybe it’s hormones.” We laugh.
“Rick didn’t get you pregnant, did he?”
“No! God no!” I figure if I tell her about him, that will suffice to explain the tears. For the first time in months I am able to verbalize my feelings about Rick, even if the story is incomplete. “Actually, things are not going well between us…”
“What do you mean? Are you guys going through a hump?”
“I thought it was at first, but I don’t know anymore.”
“Well, what’s going on with you two?”
“I feel like a terrible person. Rick is just being Rick, nothing has changed, but I think that might be the problem. I just feel like we both have settled. I don’t think he’s the love of my life.”
“Wow.” Kristin sits back in her chair. “You two have always seemed so stable. I don’t say that to make you feel bad. It’s important that you work this out with him; I just didn’t know you were unhappy.”
“Neither did I. I guess I have been taking stock of things lately and if we’re not the ones for each other, we have to move on before it’s too late.”
“What made you realize you weren’t happy anymore?”
More like who.
“I think the new job and the new environment made me realize that I was in a rut. It’s like my eyes have opened.”
“What about Rick? Does he feel the same way?”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so.”
“You have to tell him Shyla.”
“I know, I know, but it’s so hard. I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Not telling him is hurting him too.”
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