by S.B. Davies
“How did you do that?” asked Cribbins.
Elise didn’t know what to say. She just stepped through the door and Smorg followed her.
“Hey wait,” said Cribbins, “It’s dangerous in there and can I have my sword back please?”
Chapter Three
Inside the room was an enormous, rusty machine, all cogs and gears and chains. Water dripped everywhere and the floor was covered with green mould. On the other side of the machine was a small railway track.
Smorg sniffed the machine and barked.
“What’s the matter Smorg?” asked Elise.
“Broken.” said Smorg.
“No, no.” said Cribbins, “It all works. Just switch it on.”
He pulled a lever. With a grinding noise the machine started and the railway track moved. The machine went faster and faster, the railway track sped up. Cogs groaned, gears whined and chains clanked. The noise was terrible.
“Quickly now, jump in when it gets here.” shouted Cribbins and herded them towards the railway track which now moved fast.
A small open truck appeared from an archway at the back of the room and whizzed towards them. It was bolted to the railway track.
“Jump!” yelled Cribbins. They leapt into the truck and landed in a heap. The little truck took them through an archway and into a huge circular tower. The railway track wound round and round the inside, going up in one big spiral. The truck tilted as they started up the steep slope.
“Wouldn’t it be easier to keep the track still and move the trucks?” asked Elise.
Cribbins looked at her. “What do you know about Engine Ear Ring?”
“Well that’s how we do it in… In the North.”
“If that’s the way you feel about it, then why don’t you go back there?”
“I want to go back, I just don’t know how.” said Elise in a small voice.
“Go home?” asked Smorg and licked Elise’s hand.
“It’s alright Smorg, we’ll get there.”
“His Lordship can do anything.” said Cribbins, “If anyone can get you home he can.”
The little truck wound round and round and up and up, until they got so high Elise had to shut her eyes and sing in her head “The camels are coming hurrah, hurrah. The camels are coming hurrah.” It helped a little.
“The platform is coming up, get ready to jump.” shouted Cribbins.
They went through another archway into a large round room where the track curved in a big half circle and disappeared into a dark tunnel.
Everyone jumped off. It was easier than getting on.
“Where does the truck go next?” asked Elise.
“Down.” said Cribbins, “I always use the stairs.”
They walked along battlements between towers. A long way below, Elise could see Dreadful Wood and she looked for the cottage and duck pond, but couldn’t see them. Cribbins lead them through doors in the next tower and then under archways and along corridors until Elise had no idea where they were.
He stopped in front of double doors set in the curved wall of the tower and turned round.
“This is Gateway Tower and behind these doors is the Invisible Bridge. It’s the only way to Lords Keep from here.” Cribbins looked a little sheepish.
“You can go through the cellars, but they’re full of spiders.” Cribbins shivered, “Anyway, you mustn’t be frightened. It’s completely safe.”
Cribbins opened the doors. He leaned forward carefully, looked down and jumped back.
Elise didn’t understand. Beyond the doors was a fabulous bridge, wide with tall railings and a covered roof. It was clear like glass, with all the colours of the rainbow flowing in patterns inside.
“It’s lovely.” said Elise, “I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.”
“You can see it?” asked Cribbins.
“Oh yes, can’t you?”
“All I can see is a deep drop.”
“Are you scared of heights?”
“Of course not,” said Cribbins, “I can look at the tallest towers all day long; I’m nervous about depths though.”
“Chase rainbows?” asked Smorg.
“Yes, off you go.” said Elise.
Smorg ran onto the bridge, round and round, backwards and forward trying to catch the swirling colours. Cribbins went pale.
“Are you alright?” asked Elise.
“Fine, thank you very much.” said Cribbins and gulped.
Poor Cribbins, thought Elise. He’s trying so hard to be brave, but it must be awful if you can’t see the bridge. Then Elise had an idea.
“Would you hold my hand please?” asked Elise, “To make sure I’m alright.”
“Yes, yes, good idea.” said Cribbins.
Cribbins held Elise’s hand a bit too tight, but she didn’t complain. Cribbins took one careful step onto the bridge. Elise noticed his eyes were closed, but didn’t say anything and guided him to the railing.
“Put your other hand on here.”
Cribbins put his hand on the railing and patted it.
“Yes, solid as a rock. That’s much better.”
Elise guided Cribbins over the Invisible Bridge and Smorg ran chased rainbows round and round.
This part of the castle was much nicer, the floor was clean and tapestries hung on the walls. There where portraits of serious looking people in odd clothes. It was still gloomy. What this place needs is more windows thought Elise.
Cribbins stood and looked around.
“Is anything the matter?” asked Elise.
“I’ve never been in this part of the castle. I don’t know which way to go.”
“Smell food. Hungry.” said Smorg and trotted down the corridor. Elise looked at Cribbins, who shrugged and followed Smorg.
They entered the kitchens through a small side door. The huge room had high ceilings and everywhere steam, smoke, bustle and clanging saucepans.
People in white overalls chopped and cleaned and carried. They all had colanders or saucepans on their heads, and they shoved each other, arguing and shouting. It was chaos and it smelt awful. Half the room was lost in a cloud of steam lit by the orange glow of cooking stoves.
Elise stepped forward and suddenly collided with a young boy running with a tray of buns. The tray clanged on the stone floor. The boy looked just like Cribbins.
“I’m sorry.” said Elise and bent to pick up the buns. Smorg grabbed one as it rolled by.
“Oh no.” said the boy. “Cook will be furious.” He dropped to his knees, gathered the buns together and put them back on the tray.
“Don’t worry.” whispered Elise, “Nobody will know.”
A loud voice bellowed “Who dropped the buns?”
“Oh dear, oh dear.” said the boy.
“Porters!” shrieked the voice, “Grab that baker boy.”
Out of the steam ran four boys in white overalls. The first slipped on a loose bun and they all tumbled in a heap. The saucepans and colanders they wore fell off and clanged on the floor.
They picked themselves up, squabbling about who got to wear what on their heads. They all looked just like Cribbins. How very odd thought Elise. They grabbed the baker boy and marched him back into the cloud. Elise, Smorg and Cribbins followed.
As the steam cleared Elise saw a vast cauldron in the middle of the room with a fire underneath. It was so big it had stairs leading up from the kitchen floor and a platform all the way round the top. Elise couldn’t see what was in it as the rim was above her head. It smelt horrible.
In front stood a woman in white overalls and the biggest chef’s hat Elise had ever seen. Her face was white and puffy with two very red cheeks, as if someone had piled mashed potatoes into a heap and stuck two apples in it. In her hand she held a huge metal ladle.
“We found him Cook.” said a porter and dragging the baker boy after him.
“Well done.” shouted Cook and hit the po
rter on the head with the ladle. It clanged on the saucepan on his head and he staggered.
“Throw him in with the vegetables, boil him up. It will add flavour.” shouted Cook and then even louder yelled “More salt.”
Elise stepped forward.
“You can’t boil him. It wasn’t his fault.”
Cook swivelled round and stared at Elise.
“Can’t!” shrieked Cook “Can’t! You dare to say can’t in my kitchen!”
“You ca… You mustn’t boil someone, just because he dropped some buns.”
Cook shouted at Elise “He’s just a baker boy, shouldn’t even be in my kitchen. He’s not one of my lovely boys. Throw her in as well.”
She hit another of the porters on the head with the ladle and shrieked “More salt.”
Porters grabbed Elise by the arms and dragged her towards the cauldron.
“Attack!” shouted Smorg and leapt forward.
A porter took his saucepan off and put it over Smorg’s head. Smorg’s barks echoed inside and the porters grabbed his legs and lifted him up despite all his struggles.
“Throw them all in and GET MORE SALT!” screamed Cook, her face bright red.
More porters appeared out of the steam and grabbed Cribbins. The baker boy, Elise and Cribbins were dragged up the stairs onto the platform around the cauldron, followed by Smorg carried shoulder high by four porters.
Elise was pulled along the platform. She could see the grey, gooey soup in the cauldron. It bubbled and steamed and smelt of cabbage.
“Hurry up. Get them in, get them in. No time. Throw her in first.” shouted Cook and pointed at Elise with her ladle.
“No! No! No!” shouted Cribbins, “You can’t boil her, she’s a princess.”
Everyone stopped. Cook threw her hands to her face. “A princess in my kitchens! Oh, I’m so sorry milady.” said Cook and tried to curtsey. Her hat fell off.
“Apology accepted.” said Elise as it was the polite thing to do, “Now let us go.”
“Yes milady, sorry milady.” shouted Cook.
The boy pulled free and Elise took the saucepan off Smorg’s head. The porters lowered him to the platform.
Smorg barked and said “Dirty, rotten, cheat–“
“Hush now.” said Elise.
They walked down the steps and everyone stood back.
“One,” said Elise, as that’s how princesses talk, “suggests less salt and less boiling.”
Cook gasped, the porters gasped. The kitchen was silent. Cook’s face contorted, she looked like she was chewing a frog.
“Yes, of course milady.” croaked Cook and curtsied. Her hat fell off again.
“Well done everybody.” said Elise in a loud voice. There was silence for a moment and then all the porters cheered.
Elise picked up Cook’s hat and handed it to her. “Have you ever heard of salad?” asked Elise.
Cook stood still and twitched, her eyes darted from side to side and she mumbled “Just needs a bit of salt… bit of salt…”
“We should go.” said the baker boy, “Come on I’ll take you to the bakery; we’ll be safe there.”
Elise and Cribbins followed the boy out of the kitchens.
“Where’s Smorg?” asked Elise and shouted “Smorg.”
He came bounding towards them licking his jowls.
“Nice buns.” said Smorg.
Chapter Four
White dust coated the floor of the narrow stone corridor.
“Not far now.” said the baker boy.
“Why do you all look the same?” asked Elise.
“We’re all Cribbinses.” said the boy.
“You’re all from the same family?”
“Oh no, we’re just Cribbinses.” said Cribbins.
“And you’re all called Cribbins?”
“Yes.”
Elise sighed. Nothing made sense in Porridge.
They walked under an arch into an empty room. The floor was covered in a thick layer of white dust. Elise touched the dust and licked her finger. Flour. At least that made sense.
“Is this the bakery?” asked Elise.
“Of course.” said the boy and stared at her.
“Where is everything?”
The boy pointed up.
Elise looked. On the ceiling there was a whole upside-down kitchen, ovens and tables and lots of people working silently. They hung from their feet like bats in a cave. For a moment Elise though she was on the ceiling looking down on a normal kitchen.
“Buns.” said Smorg.
A small man dressed all in black waved to them. Elise waved back. He walked across the ceiling to a ladder bolted to the wall. He flipped over and climbed down.
“Hello.” whispered the man, “I am Baker.”
“Hello.” said Elise and found she was whispering too.
“More buns please.” said Smorg.
“Of course.” whispered Baker and gave a hand signal. A tray was dropped from above and Baker caught it in one hand. He offered it to Smorg, who gobbled half the tray before Elise could stop him.
Baker offered the tray to Elise and she tried a little square loaf. It was absolutely delicious.
“That was lovely.” said Elise.
“Yes, Slug Loaf is my favourite. We use the finest slugs from Great Western Tower. The altitude makes them so tender.”
Elise gulped and decided to ignore the slug bit. She hoped it was their word for nuts or something.
“Why do you cook on the ceiling?” asked Elise.
“We need gravity to pull the bread down, to make it fluffy and light.”
“Don’t you use yeast?”
“Yeast is used in all out breads, it is for flavour.” whispered Baker and smiled.
“Can you help us?” asked Cribbins with his mouth full, spraying crumbs over Baker.
Baker brushed himself down. “Please, what do you want?”
“Can you tell us the where his Lordship is?”
“The afternoon sandwiches are ready. You can follow.” said Baker and waved his hands again.
Once more, Elise, Smorg and Cribbins followed the baker boy, who carried a tray piled high with tiny sandwiches. They walked along corridors and through doors, this time they climbed a lot of stairs.
Two guards, who looked just like Cribbins, stood each side of tall double door that reached all way to the ceiling. They had silver handles and the Porridge family crest on each side.
“Halt who goes… Where?” said one guard.
“There not where.” said the other guard and tut-tutted.
“Attention!” shouted Cribbins and both guards dropped their spears in surprise.
“It’s not fair shouting like that when we aren’t ready.” said one of the guards as he picked up his spear.
“Are you ready now?” asked Cribbins.
The guards nodded.
“Attention.” shouted Cribbins. Both guards stood stiffly with their spears in front of them.
“And salute.” shouted Cribbins.
“We ain’t done saluting yet.” said one guard and looked at his feet.
“Never mind, just announce Princess Elise and her companion Smorg.”
“We ain’t done announcing either.” said the other guard.
Cribbins sighed. “Just open the doors then, if that’s not too difficult for you.”
Cribbins led them into the reception room. It had high ceilings with pictures painted on them. To one side, logs burned in a big fireplace with chairs and a table arranged in a semi-circle. Windows stretched from floor to ceiling and a long carpet led all the way to some steps. At the top of the steps was a tall, golden throne with red velvet upholstery. On it sat a sad looking boy wearing a green corduroy suit and sensible brown shoes. Elise thought he looked about ten.
“Have you brought my sandwiches?” asked the boy.
“Yes milord,” said the baker boy from the back. “I’ll put them on the table.
”
Cribbins stepped forward.
“Milord, may I present Princess Elise and her companion Smorg.”
The boy waved his hand and said “Pleased to meet you.” Elise didn’t think he sounded pleased at all.
“How do you do?” said Elise. She was sure this was the most polite way of saying hello.
“Not very well really.” said the boy, “Shall we sit down over there, this chair is uncomfortable.”
Elise sat down and Cribbins stood behind her chair. Smorg slumped in front of the fire, his gaze fixed on the sandwiches.
“My name is Far Tea Porridge.” said the boy, “You can call me Tea. Please do have a sandwich.”
Smorg leapt up and grabbed a huge bite of sandwiches. Elise pulled him away.
“Not you Smorg.”
“No sandwiches?” said Smorg through a mouthful of half-chewed bread.
“Hush.” said Elise and took a tiny sandwich from the pile. It was barely one bite big and Elise wondered if these were especially polite sandwiches, as you just popped them in your mouth and didn’t have to worry about dropping bits on the carpet.
“I’d have a few more, if I were you. The other food here is really awful.” said Tea, as he put sandwich after sandwich into his mouth.
Elise had more sandwiches and passed some to Cribbins, then waited politely until Tea finished eating.
“Burt Doanything said you could get us home, quick as a flick. Can you?” asked Elise.
“Yes, if we had some blue Gloop, or gold Gloop of course,” said Tea, “but we haven’t. All we’ve got is a little bit of brown and that’s good only for cleaning and making metal things.”
Elise frowned. She understood all the words, but when you added them up they made no sense.
“I beg your pardon.” said Elise, glad she hadn’t said ‘what’ again.
“You’re from the North. Mad Auntie Callie’s been there and she says they don’t have magic. Here, I’ll show you.”
Tea pulled a short silver rod from one pocket and a little black pot from another. He unscrewed the lid and dipped the rod in. When he pulled it out it had a blob of dark brown paste on the end.
“This is brown Gloop, watch.” said Tea and closed his eyes. His face screwed up in concentration and he flicked the rod, sending the brown blob flying towards the table. There was a little pop and the half full tray of sandwiches disappeared. Elise smelled something familiar that she couldn’t quite place.