by Steve Wells
Eli talked to his sons about it and tried to get them to change their ways, but they wouldn’t listen to him since God had already decided to kill them.
They hearkened not unto the voice of their father, because the LORD would slay them. 2.25
Before killing Eli’s sons, though, God tormented Eli a bit. First, a “man of God” tells Eli that God will “consume his eyes” and “grieve his heart” and make sure that all of his descendants die young.
A man of God … said unto him, Thus saith the LORD … I will cut off thine arm… There shall not be an old man in thine house for ever … I shall … consume thine eyes and … grieve thine heart. 2.27-33
Then, just in case the first message didn’t get through, God sends another one to Eli through the boy prophet, Samuel. It takes God three tries to deliver the message, but he finally does. And it’s the same nasty message: God will make everyone’s ears tingle by punishing all of Eli’s unborn descendants for the sins of his sons.
The LORD said to Samuel, Behold, I will do a thing in Israel, at which both the ears of every one that heareth it shall tingle. I will perform against Eli all things which I have spoken … I will judge his house for ever … because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not. 3.11-13
Samuel delivers the message to Eli and he responds the way believers always do. (God can do whatever he wants—however absurd, cruel, or unjust—and they will call it good.)
It is the LORD: let him do what seemeth him good. 3.18
So now God had to figure out how he was going to kill Eli’s sons.
And that’s where the Philistines came in. God used them to kill Eli’s sons, along with 34,000 Israelite soldiers.
In the first battle, the Israelites lost 4000 men.
The Philistines put themselves in array against Israel: and when they joined battle, Israel was smitten before the Philistines: and they slew of the army in the field about four thousand men. 4.2
Which surprised the heck out of the Israelites, since God was supposed to be on their side.
So they went to get the ark of the covenant, figuring it would protect them from the Philistines.
When the people were come into the camp, the elders of Israel said, Wherefore hath the LORD smitten us to day before the Philistines? Let us fetch the ark of the covenant of … that … it may save us out of the hand of our enemies. 4.3
Along with the ark, they also got Eli’s sons, Hophni and Phinehas.
So the people sent to Shiloh, that they might bring from thence the ark of the covenant of the LORD … and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were there with the ark of the covenant of God. 4.4
When the ark came to the Israelites’ camp, they all shouted at once, causing an earthquake.
When the ark of the covenant of the LORD came into the camp, all Israel shouted with a great shout, so that the earth rang again. 4.5
The earth shook so much that the Philistines felt it at their camp, and they knew just what it meant. God was with the Israelites and he was on their side.
The Philistines were afraid, for they said, God is come into the camp. And they said, Woe unto us! for there hath not been such a thing heretofore. 4.7
The Philistines had heard what God did to the Egyptians and they were afraid that now he’d do it to them. So they all said together: “Woe unto us.”
Woe unto us! who shall deliver us out of the hand of these mighty Gods? these are the Gods that smote the Egyptians with all the plagues in the wilderness. 4.8
Then they snapped out of it and started to act like Philistines again, and killed another 30,000 Israelites.
The Philistines fought, and Israel was smitten, and they fled every man into his tent: and there was a very great slaughter; for there fell of Israel thirty thousand footmen. 4.10
And, in the process, the Philistines stole the ark of God and also killed Eli’s sons.
The ark of God was taken; and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were slain. 4.11
Just as God said he would do in 1 Samuel 2.25
(I gave God credit for 34,002, 34,000 Israelite soldiers and Eli’s two sons.)
59. God smote them with hemorrhoids in their secret parts
1 Samuel 5.6-12
Estimated Number Killed: 3,000
Philistines
You may have noticed at the end of the last killing (58), that the Philistines stole the ark of the covenant from the Israelites. And that’s when their troubles really began.
The Philistines brought the ark to Ashdod and set it up next to their god, Dagon.
The Philistines took the ark of God … unto Ashdod … into the house of Dagon, and set it by Dagon. 1 Samuel 5.1-2
The next morning Dagon had fallen on his face.
When they of Ashdod arose early on the morrow, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face. 5.3
So they put Dagon back in his place, but the next morning he had fallen down again, and this time his head and hands had fallen off, so he was no more than a stump.
When they arose early on the morrow morning, behold, Dagon was fallen upon his face to the ground before the ark of the LORD; and the head of Dagon and both the palms of his hands were cut off upon the threshold; only the stump of Dagon was left to him. 5.4
Then God started to get nasty. He destroyed the people of Asdod and smote those that survived with hemorrhoids.
But the hand of the LORD was heavy upon them of Ashdod, and he destroyed them, and smote them with emerods (hemorrhoids). 5.6
So the people of Ashdod decided to send the ark to another Philistine city: Gath.
What shall we do with the ark of the God of Israel? And they answered, Let the ark of the God of Israel be carried about unto Gath. And they carried the ark of the God of Israel about thither. 5.8
And then God smote the people of Gath, the small and the great, with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.
The hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. 5.9
After that, what do you think the Gathites did with God’s ark? They sent it to Ekron.
Therefore they sent the ark of God to Ekron. 5.10
When the ark arrived at Ekron, God did the usual thing: he killed most of the people and gave the rest hemorrhoids.
There was a deadly destruction throughout all the city; the hand of God was very heavy there. And the men that died not were smitten with the emerods: and the cry of the city went up to heaven. 5.11-12
The Bible doesn’t say how many people God killed in Ashdod, Gath, and Ekron. So I’ll just call it 3000, 1000 from each city.
60. 50,070 killed for looking into the ark of the Lord
1 Samuel 6.19
Number Killed: 50,070
Bethshemeshites
In his last killing (59), God was busy fashioning hemorrhoids and placing them in the Philistines’ secret parts. Stuff like that gets annoying after a while.
So the Philistines asked their priests how they can get God to stop. The priests told them to make five golden hemorrhoids and five golden mice as trespass offerings, and put the ark and the offerings in a cart pulled by two cows. Then let the cows go wherever they choose. If they go toward Bethshemesh, then it was God who was striking the people with hemorrhoids in their secret parts.
The Philistines called for the priests and the diviners, saying, What shall we do to the ark of the LORD? And they said, If ye send away the ark of the God of Israel, send it not empty; but … return him a trespass offering: then ye shall be healed … What shall be the trespass offering? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice … take the ark of the LORD, and lay it upon the cart; and put the … trespass offering … and send it away … And see, if it goeth up by the way of his own coast to Bethshemesh, then he hath done us this great evil: but if not, then we shall know that it is not his hand that smote us: it was a chance that happened to us. 1 Samuel 6.2-9
Since that sounded like a reasonable plan, that’s what they did. And the cows headed straight for Bethshemesh “and turned not aside to the right hand or to the left.”
They laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods. And the kine took the straight way to the way of Bethshemesh, and went along the highway, lowing as they went, and turned not aside to the right hand or to the left. 6.11-12
So the world now knows for sure that it was God who killed the Philistine people by putting hemorrhoids in their secret parts.
That would have been a happy ending, I suppose, except some of the Bethshemeshites looked into the ark. So God had to kill 50,070 of them.
He smote the men of Bethshemesh, because they had looked into the ark of the LORD, even he smote of the people fifty thousand and threescore and ten men: and the people lamented, because the LORD had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter. 6.19
Stories like this can only be found in the Bible.
61. The Lord thundered great thunder upon the Philistines
1 Samuel 7.10-11
Estimated Number Killed: 1,000
Philistines
After God killed more than 50,000 for looking into the ark (60), the ark was moved to Kirjathjearim and the people of Israel “lamented after the Lord”—which means, I guess, that they wanted the damned thing back.
And it came to pass, while the ark abode in Kirjathjearim, that the time was long; for it was twenty years: and all the house of Israel lamented after the LORD. 1 Samuel 7.2
So Samuel told them what to do. Get rid of all their other gods and worship Yahweh alone. So the Israelites rounded up all their gods and threw them away. Then Samuel told all the people of Israel to gather at Mizpeh and he would say a little prayer for them.
Samuel said, Gather all Israel to Mizpeh, and I will pray for you unto the LORD. 7.5
So everyone in Israel came to Mizpeh, poured water out for the Lord, fasted, and said they’d sinned.
And they gathered together to Mizpeh, and drew water, and poured it out before the LORD, and fasted on that day, and said there, We have sinned against the LORD. 7.6
When the Philistines heard about all this, they prepared to attack Israel.
When the Philistines heard that the children of Israel were gathered together to Mizpeh, the lords of the Philistines went up against Israel. 7.7a
The Israelites were afraid of the Philistines, so they asked Samuel to ask God to save them.
When the children of Israel heard it, they were afraid of the Philistines. 7.7b
So Samuel killed a baby lamb and burned its dead body for God.
Samuel took a sucking lamb, and offered it for a burnt offering wholly unto the LORD. 7.9a
Then Samuel cried out to God and God heard him.
And Samuel cried unto the LORD for Israel; and the LORD heard him. 7.9b
While Samuel was busy roasting the lamb for God, the Philistines attacked. And God “thundered with a great thunder” and “discomfited them.” Then the Israelites chased them down and killed them.
As Samuel was offering up the burnt offering, the Philistines drew near to battle against Israel: but the LORD thundered with a great thunder on that day upon the Philistines, and discomfited them; and they were smitten before Israel. And the men of Israel went out of Mizpeh, and pursued the Philistines, and smote them. 7.10-11
After the slaughter, Samuel put up a monument that said, “So far the Lord has helped us.”
Then Samuel took a stone … saying, Hitherto hath the LORD helped us. 7.12
Once again the Bible doesn’t say how many Philistines were killed. So I’ll just call it 1000.
62. Another Ammonite massacre (and another God-inspired, body-part message)
1 Samuel 11.11
Estimated Number Killed: 1,000
Ammonites
Remember the Holy Civil War a few killings back? (56) This is a lot like it.
It starts with the people from Jabeshgilead making a proposition to the Ammonites.
Then Nahash the Ammonite came up, and encamped against Jabeshgilead: and all the men of Jabesh said unto Nahash, Make a covenant with us, and we will serve thee. 1 Samuel 11.1
Does Jabeshgilead sound familiar to you? Well, if you read about God’s 57th killing, it should. (In that story, the Israelites killed everyone in the city of Jabeshgilead except for the virgin women, whom they gave to the surviving Benjamites for wives.)
So everyone in Jabeshgilead was killed a few years before the events in 1 Samuel 11 supposedly took place. Yet here in verse 1 they are making a treaty with the Ammonites. Do dead people make treaties? I guess they do in the Bible.
Anyway, here’s the deal that Nahash offered the (dead?) people from Jabeshgilead:
Nahash the Ammonite answered them, On this condition will I make a covenant with you, that I may thrust out all your right eyes, and lay it for a reproach upon all Israel. 11.2
Now you might think that this would be a no brainer to the people of Jabeshgilead. But since they were already dead, maybe they didn’t have any eyes to poke out. In any case, the people of Jabshgilead asked for a week to see if they could get an army together to fight the Ammonites. If they couldn’t, they’d let the Ammonites poke out one of their eyes.
The elders of Jabesh said unto him, Give us seven days’ respite, that we may send messengers unto all the coasts of Israel: and then, if there be no man to save us, we will come out to thee. 11.3
The Ammonites said, “Sure, go ahead and get an army together. We’ll give you a week.” So the leaders of Jabeshgilead sent messengers to Saul, who had recently become the first king of Israel (1 Sam 10.20-24).
When Saul heard about it, “the Spirit of the Lord came upon him,” and Saul did what any spirit-filled person would do: he killed some oxen, chopped their bodies up into 12 pieces, and sent the pieces to the 12 tribes of Israel.
The Spirit of God came upon Saul … And he took a yoke of oxen, and hewed them in pieces, and sent them throughout all the coasts of Israel by the hands of messengers. 11.6-7a
And it worked, too. Messages like that always work in the Bible.
The fear of the LORD fell on the people, and they came out with one consent. 11.7b
Within a week the ox body parts were sent around to all the tribes of Israel and all the people of Israel responded “as one,” forming an army of 330,000.
When he numbered them in Bezek, the children of Israel were three hundred thousand, and the men of Judah thirty thousand. 11.8
It’s amazing what twelve rotting pieces of meat can do!
Then Saul told the people of Jabeshgilead:
To morrow, by that time the sun be hot, ye shall have help. And the messengers came and shewed it to the men of Jabesh; and they were glad. 11.9
So the messengers went back and told the good news to leaders of Jabeshgilead, and they told Nahash that tomorrow they’d let them poke out their eyes.
The men of Jabesh said, To morrow we will come out unto you, and ye shall do with us all that seemeth good unto you. 11.10
The next day Saul and his army killed Ammonites until the heat of the day. When they were done they had killed all the Ammonites.
Saul … slew the Ammonites until the heat of the day: and it came to pass, that they which remained were scattered, so that two of them were not left together. 11.11
After the slaughter Saul said,
To day the LORD hath wrought salvation in Israel. 11.13
So God deserves at least some of the credit.
The Bible doesn’t say how many Ammonites were killed; I’ll call it a standard massacre and say 1000.
63. Jonathan’s very first slaughter (not counting the one before)
1 Samuel 14.12-14
Number Killed: 20
Philistines
Well, it was a bit disappointing to me, but I guess it was OK for a very first slaughter.
Here’s how it happene
d.
One day Jonathan and his armor bearer decided to go find some uncircumcised guys to kill. Who knows? Maybe God would help them.
Jonathan said to the young man that bare his armour, Come, and let us go over unto the garrison of these uncircumcised: it may be that the LORD will work for us. 1 Samuel 14.6
Jonathan’s amorous armor bearer said to him, “Do whatever is in your heart. Whatever is in your heart is in my heart, too.” (They had a very close, intimate relationship.)
His armourbearer said unto him, Do all that is in thine heart: turn thee; behold, I am with thee according to thy heart. 14.7
So Jonathan told him his plan. They will go over to the Philistines and if they say, “Wait there and we’ll come over to you,” then Jonathan and his armor bearer will stay put. But if the Philistines say, “Come up to us, and we will show you something,” then they will attack, knowing that God will help them kill them.
Then said Jonathan, Behold, we will pass over unto these men, and we will discover ourselves unto them. If they say thus unto us, Tarry until we come to you; then we will stand still in our place, and will not go up unto them. But if they say thus, Come up unto us; then we will go up: for the LORD hath delivered them into our hand: and this shall be a sign unto us. 14.8-10
So they did that. And when the Philistines saw them, they said, “Look the Hebrews have crawled out of the holes they were hiding in.”
Both of them discovered themselves unto the garrison of the Philistines: and the Philistines said, Behold, the Hebrews come forth out of the holes where they had hid themselves. 14.11
And then the Philistines said the magic words of doom, “Come on up and we’ll show you a thing or two.”
The men of the garrison answered Jonathan and his armourbearer, and said, Come up to us, and we will shew you a thing. 14.12a
When Jonathan heard that, he told his armor bearer that God would help them kill the Philistines.
Jonathan said unto his armourbearer, Come up after me: for the LORD hath delivered them into the hand of Israel. 14.12b
So Jonathan and his armor bearer crawled out of their hole and began to kill Philistines.