by Steve Wells
After the baby died, David washed, got dressed, had a nice meal, and worshiped the God who killed his son.
David arose from the earth, and washed, and anointed himself, and changed his apparel, and came into the house of the LORD, and worshipped: then he … did eat. 12.20
The story has a happy ending, though. After Bathsheba’s baby boy is killed by God, David comforts her by going “in unto her.” (He’s such a nice guy!)
David comforted Bathsheba his wife, and went in unto her. 12.24a
And Bathsheba conceives and bears another son (Solomon).
And she bare a son, and he called his name Solomon. 12.24b
And God loved Solomon.
And the LORD loved him. 12.24c
He probably said to himself, as the Brick Testament (www.bricktestament.com) suggests, “I don’t think I’ll kill this one.”
83. Famine and human sacrifice: Seven sons of Saul are hung up before the Lord
2 Samuel 21.1-9
Estimated Number Killed: 3,000
2 sons and 5 grandsons of Saul, plus those that died in the famine
It all started with one of God’s famous three-year famines. David asked God why he sent the famine.
Then there was a famine in the days of David three years, year after year; and David enquired of the LORD. 2 Samuel 21.1a
God said it was because Saul killed some Gibeonites. (The Bible doesn’t say when or where Saul supposedly did this.)
The LORD answered, It is for Saul, and for his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. 21.1b
So David asked the Gibeonites what he could do to make atonement.
Wherefore David said unto the Gibeonites, What shall I do for you? and wherewith shall I make the atonement? 21.3
The Gibeonites said that David should give them Saul’s seven sons so they could hang them up before the Lord.
They answered the king … Let seven men of his sons be delivered unto us, and we will hang them up unto the LORD. 21.5-6
David agreed, giving them two of Saul’s sons and five of his grandsons. “And they hanged them in the hill before the Lord.”
The king took the two sons of Rizpah the daughter of Aiah, whom she bare unto Saul, Armoni and Mephibosheth; and the five sons of Michal the daughter of Saul … And he delivered them into the hands of the Gibeonites, and they hanged them in the hill before the LORD. 21.8-9
And that satisfied God so that he quit starving the Israelites.
And after that God was intreated for the land. 21.14
The Bible doesn’t say how many Israelites died in God’s three year famine. I’ll guess 3000, 1000 for each year for the famine.
84. David’s mighty men and their amazing killings
2 Samuel 23, 1 Chronicles 11
Estimated Number Killed: 3,400
1403 plus two “great victories”
There is a list of crazy single-handed killings in 2 Samuel 23 and 1 Chronicles 11 that God obviously approved of since the Bible brags about them so much. I’m including them all here.
These be the names of the mighty men whom David had: 2 Samuel 23:8a
These also are the chief of the mighty men whom David had … to make him king, according to the word of the LORD concerning Israel. And this is the number of the mighty men whom David had: 1 Chronicles 11:10-11a
Adino and/or Jashobeam
There is some confusion about this one. Who was the chief of David’s captains (Adino or Jashobeam) and how many did he kill with his spear at one time (300 or 800)? Was it two different captains in two different slaughters? I’ll give them both credit and call it 1100.
The Tachmonite that sat in the seat, chief among the captains; the same was Adino the Eznite: he lift up his spear against eight hundred, whom he slew at one time. 2 Samuel 23:8
Jashobeam, an Hachmonite, the chief of the captains: he lifted up his spear against three hundred slain by him at one time. 1 Chronicles 11:11b
The son of Dodo
Next we have the son of Dodo who smote Philistines until his hand stuck to his sword, “and the LORD wrought a great victory that day.” It doesn’t say how many he killed; I’ll guess 1000.
Eleazar the son of Dodo … smote the Philistines until his hand was weary, and his hand clave unto the sword: and the LORD wrought a great victory that day. 2 Samuel 23:9-10
Eleazar the son of Dodo … one of the three mighties … slew the Philistines; and the LORD saved them by a great deliverance. 1 Chronicles 11:12-14
Shammah
Shammah isn’t mentioned in the 1 Chronicles account, but according to 2 Samuel, God was involved since “the Lord wrought a great victory.” I’ll give God and Shammah credit for another 1000 for this “great victory.”
Shammah the son of Agee … slew the Philistines: and the LORD wrought a great victory. 2 Samuel 23:11-12
Abishai
Abishai killed 300 Philistines with his spear.
Abishai … lifted up his spear against three hundred, and slew them. 2 Samuel 23:18
Abishai the brother of Joab, he was chief of the three: for lifting up his spear against three hundred, he slew them. 1 Chronicles 11:20
Benaiah
This one is my favorite. Banaiah killed two lionlike men and then a lion in a snowy pit. After that he killed a good-looking, 7.5 foot tall Egyptian with the Egyptian’s spear.
Benaiah the son of Jehoiada … slew two lionlike men of Moab: he went down also and slew a lion in the midst of a pit in time of snow. And he slew an Egyptian, a goodly man: and the Egyptian had a spear in his hand. 2 Samuel 23:20-21
Benaiah the son of Jehoiada … slew two lionlike men of Moab: also he went down and slew a lion in a pit in a snowy day. And he slew an Egyptian, a man of great stature, five cubits high; and in the Egyptian’s hand was a spear like a weaver’s beam; and he went down to him with a staff, and plucked the spear out of the Egyptian’s hand, and slew him with his own spear. 1 Chronicles 11:22-23
85. God killed 70,000 because David had a census that God (or Satan) told him to do
2 Samuel 24.1, 1 Chronicles 21.1
Estimated Number Killed: 200,000
Number of Israelite men killed: 70,000
This is not an easy one to explain, but I’ll give it a try.
It all starts with God telling David to do a census, you know like the one the U.S. Constitution requires us to do every ten years.
And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah. 2 Samuel 24.1
Or was it Satan that asked David to do the census, as it says in 1 Chronicles 21.1?
Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel. 1 Chronicles 21.1
Oh well, maybe it was both. They often work together (130). In any case, David sent Joab out to take the census, and after 9 months and 20 days, Joab came back with the results: there were 800,000 sword-yielding men in Israel and 500,000 in Judah.
So when they had gone through all the land, they came to Jerusalem at the end of nine months and twenty days. And Joab gave up the sum of the number of the people unto the king: and there were in Israel eight hundred thousand valiant men that drew the sword; and the men of Judah were five hundred thousand men. 2 Samuel 24.8-9
Or was it was 1,100,000 and 470,000 men in Israel and Judah, as it says in 1 Chronicles 21:5?
Joab gave the sum of the number of the people unto David. And all they of Israel were a thousand thousand and an hundred thousand men that drew sword: and Judah was four hundred threescore and ten thousand men that drew sword. 1 Chronicles 21.5
Whichever it may have been, either is comparable to the number of active duty soldiers in the U.S. military today. Not bad for small tribal kingdom in 1000 BCE!
After the census, David decided that he had done something wrong, which is weird since he had only taken a census that God told him to take.
David’s heart smote him after that he had numbered the people. And David said unto the LORD, I have si
nned greatly in that I have done. 2 Samuel 24.10
And God was angry, too, at least that’s what the prophet Gad told him. Gad said God offered David three choices:
Thus saith the LORD, I offer thee three things; choose thee one of them, that I may do it unto thee. 2 Samuel 24.11-12
1. Seven years of famine,
Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? 2 Samuel 24.11-1
(or three years if you believe the story in 1 Chronicles 21)
Either three years’ famine. 1 Chronicles 21.13a
2. Three months of losing battles,
Or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? 2 Samuel 24.13b
3. Three days of pestilence.
Or that there be three days’ pestilence in they land? 2 Samuel 24.13c
David couldn’t decide, so God decided for him. God chose the three days of pestilence, thereby killing 70,000 men, which would mean at least a couple hundred thousand people (since only men count to God).
So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel from the morning even to the time appointed: and there died of the people from Dan even to Beersheba seventy thousand men. 2 Samuel 24.15
But God was still pissed off, even after he finished killing a couple hundred thousand people in the pestilence. So he sent an angel to destroy the city of Jerusalem. But before the angel destroyed the city, God “repented him of the evil” that he intended to do, and he told the angel to stop.
When the angel stretched out his hand upon Jerusalem to destroy it, the LORD repented him of the evil, and said to the angel that destroyed the people, It is enough: stay now thine hand. 2 Samuel 24.16
When David saw the angel that was still killing people, he said, “I’ve sinned, but what have these people done?” A good question, that God, of course, completely ignores.
David spake unto the LORD when he saw the angel that smote the people, and said, Lo, I have sinned, and I have done wickedly: but these sheep, what have they done? 2 Samuel 24.17
Finally, Gad tells David to buy some land, make an altar, and kill some animals to make God quit killing people. So David buys some land for 50 shekels of silver (or 600 shekels of gold if you prefer the story in 1 Chronicles 21), sets up an altar, and kills some animals for God.
Gad came that day to David, and said unto him, Go up, rear an altar unto the LORD in the threshingfloor of Araunah the Jebusite … So David bought the threshingfloor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver. And David built there an altar unto the LORD, and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings. So the LORD was intreated for the land, and the plague was stayed from Israel. 2 Samuel 24.18-25
And God finally stopped killing people.
So the LORD was intreated for the land, and the plague was stayed from Israel. 2 Samuel 24.25
86. Solomon carried out the deathbed wish of David by having Joab and Shimei murdered
1 Kings 2.29-46
Number Killed: 2
Joab and Shimei
You can tell a lot about a person by his or her last words. Take David’s last words, for example.
In David’s last words to his son Solomon, he asked him to murder Joab.
Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying … thou knowest also what Joab the son of Zeruiah did to me … let not his hoar head go down to the grave in peace. 1 Kings 2.1-6
So Solomon sent Benaiah to murder Joab.
It was told king Solomon that Joab was fled unto the tabernacle of the LORD; and, behold, he is by the altar. Then Solomon sent Benaiah … saying, Go, fall upon him … So Benaiah … fell upon him, and slew him. 2.29-34
And another person that David asked his son to murder was Shimei.
Thou hast with thee Shimei … which cursed me with a grievous curse in the day when I went to Mahanaim: but he came down to meet me at Jordan, and I sware to him by the LORD, saying, I will not put thee to death with the sword. Now therefore hold him not guiltless: for thou art a wise man, and knowest what thou oughtest to do unto him; but his hoar head bring thou down to the grave with blood. 1 Kings 2.8-9
So Solomon sent Benaiah to “fall on” Shimei, too.
So the king commanded Benaiah … which went out, and fell upon him, that he died. 1 Kings 2.44-46
God, of course, wanted these people murdered, too. He approved of everything David did, except for the matter of Uriah (1 Kings 15.5).
87. A tale of two prophets
1 Kings 13.23-24
Number Killed: 1
A man of God
The story begins with an old, nameless prophet from Bethel who found another nameless prophet, the “man of God” from Judah, sitting under an oak tree.
Now there dwelt an old prophet in Bethel … And he … went after the man of God, and found him sitting under an oak. 1 Kings 13.11-14
The old prophet invited the man of God to come over to his house to eat, but the man of God said that he couldn’t, since God told him not to eat or drink anything.
Then he said unto him, Come home with me, and eat bread. And he said, I may not return with thee, nor go in with thee: neither will I eat bread nor drink water with thee in this place: For it was said to me by the word of the LORD, Thou shalt eat no bread nor drink water there. 13.15-17
But the old prophet told the man of God that he was also a prophet and that an angel told him to go find the man of God, bring him back to his house, and give him some food and water.
He said unto him, I am a prophet also as thou art; and an angel spake unto me by the word of the LORD, saying, Bring him back with thee into thine house, that he may eat bread and drink water. 13.18a
Too bad for the man of God, but the old prophet was lying. (If you can’t trust an old prophet, who can you trust?)
But he lied unto him. 13.18b
So the man of God went to eat at the lying, old prophet’s house.
So he went back with him, and did eat bread in his house, and drank water. 13.19
Then God told the man of God (through the mouth of his lying prophet) that God was pissed at him for…I don’t know what. Eating and drinking when God told him not to (even though a prophet of God told him that God said that he should)? Believing a lying prophet of God? What?
I don’t know. But here’s what the God’s lying prophet said:
The word of the LORD came unto the prophet … saying, Thus saith the LORD, Forasmuch as thou hast disobeyed the mouth of the LORD … But camest back, and hast eaten bread and drunk water … thy carcase shall not come unto the sepulchre of thy fathers. 13.20-22
After the meal, the man of God went on his way. And then a lion met him on the road and killed him.
And it came to pass, after he had eaten bread, and after he had drunk, that he saddled for him the ass … And when he was gone, a lion met him by the way, and slew him. 13.23-24a
The lion hung around the dead man of God for quite a while. Lots of people came to see the carcass and the ass and the lion by the side of the road.
And his carcase was cast in the way, and the ass stood by it, the lion also stood by the carcase. And, behold, men passed by, and saw the carcase cast in the way, and the lion standing by the carcase. 13.24b-25
88. Jeroboam’s son: God kills another child
1 Kings 14.17
Number Killed: 1
Jeroboam’s son
The story begins with a sick child, Abijah, the son of King Jeroboam.
At that time Abijah the son of Jeroboam fell sick. 1 Kings 14.1
Jeroboam was worried about his son, so he told his wife to go ask the blind prophet Ahijah what will become of him.
Jeroboam said to his wife, Arise, I pray thee, and disguise thyself … and get thee to Shiloh: behold, there is Ahijah the prophet, which told me that I should be king over this people … He shall tell thee what shall become of the child. 14.2-3
So she went to Ahijah’s house.
Jeroboam’s wife … arose, and went to Shiloh, and c
ame to the house of Ahijah. 14.4a
Before she arrived, God came to tell Ahijah that Jeroboam’s wife would be coming to visit. God told him what he planned to do.
But Ahijah could not see; for his eyes were set by reason of his age. And the LORD said unto Ahijah, Behold, the wife of Jeroboam cometh to ask a thing of thee for her son; for he is sick: thus and thus shalt thou say unto her: for it shall be, when she cometh in, that she shall feign herself to be another woman. 14:4b-5
So when Jeroboam’s wife arrived, Ahijah told her he had some bad news.
When Ahijah heard the sound of her feet, as she came in at the door … he said, Come in, thou wife of Jeroboam; why feignest thou thyself to be another? for I am sent to thee with heavy tidings. 14.6
He said that God made Jeroboam king, but that Jeroboam wasn’t perfect like God’s servant David was. In fact, Jeroboam had acted worse than anyone who had ever lived up to that time. (God loves to exaggerate!)
Go, tell Jeroboam, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, Forasmuch as I exalted thee from among the people, and made thee prince over my people Israel, And rent the kingdom away from the house of David, and gave it thee: and yet thou hast not been as my servant David, who kept my commandments, and who followed me with all his heart, to do that only which was right in mine eyes; But hast done evil above all that were before thee: for thou hast gone and made thee other gods, and molten images, to provoke me to anger, and hast cast me behind thy back. 14.7-9
So to punish Jeroboam, God would kill all of Jeroboam’s sons (or, as God put it, all those “that pisseth against the wall”).
Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall. 14.10a
And dispose of Jeroboam’s family as though they were pieces of shit.
And will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as a man taketh away dung. 14.10b
Then he’ll feed whatever is left of them to the dogs, if they lived in the city, or to the birds, if they were country folk.
Him that dieth of Jeroboam in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth in the field shall the fowls of the air eat: for the LORD hath spoken it. 14.11
And finally, God will kill Jeroboam’s sick son. As soon as the mother of the sick boy returns home, her son will die.