by Steve Wells
Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and shall return to his own land; and I will cause him to fall by the sword in his own land. 2 Kings 19.7, Isaiah 37.7
And that’s what happened. Sennacherib returned to Ninevah and was killed by his sons while he was in church praying.
And it came to pass, as he was worshipping in the house of Nisroch his god, that Adrammelech and Sharezer his sons smote him with the sword. 2 Kings 19.37, Isaiah 37.38
But then, he was praying to the wrong god so he deserved it.
116. Josiah killed all the priests of the high places
2 Kings 23.20
Estimated Number Killed:100
Priests of the high places
Josiah was the king of religious intolerance. He “put down” the priests that burned incense to the sun, moon, planets, and stars.
He put down the idolatrous priests … that burned incense unto Baal, to the sun, and to the moon, and to the planets, and to all the host of heaven. 2 Kings 23.5
He burned the Asherah pole (the “grove” in the KJV) and spread the ashes on the graves of the children.
And he brought out the grove …and burned it … and stamped it small to powder, and cast the powder thereof upon the graves of the children of the people. 23.6
He destroyed the houses of the temple homosexuals.
He brake down the houses of the sodomites, that were by the house of the LORD, where the women wove hangings for the grove. 23.7
And he executed the priests and burned human bones upon their altars.
He slew all the priests of the high places that were there upon the altars, and burned men’s bones upon them 23.20
This was all in accordance with the prophecy of “the man of God from Judah.”
There came a man of God out of Judah by the word of the LORD … and he cried against the altar in the word of the LORD, and said, O altar, altar thus saith the LORD; Behold, a child shall be born unto the house of David, Josiah by name; and upon thee shall he offer the priests of the high places that burn incense upon thee, and men’s bones shall be burnt upon thee. 1 Kings 13.1-2
(The Bible doesn’t say how many priests were killed by Josiah. I’ll guess 100.)
117. Just another holy war
1 Chronicles 5.20-22
Estimated Number Killed: 50,000
Hagarites
First Chronicles gets my vote for the most boring book ever written. Just try reading the first nine chapters some time. If you make it through, reading every word, you’re probably the first person who ever has.
But hidden in the list of descendants of Reuben in chapter five, there’s another one of God’s killings, one that I’d missed before. I probably lost interest somewhere in the “These are the children of Abihail the son of Huri, the son of Jaroah, the son of Gilead, the son of Michael, the son of Jeshishai, the son of Jahdo, the son of Buz…”
So anyway, here’s the story. I’m sorry it’s so boring.
It all starts with 44,760 sons of Reuben, who were valiant men that could shoot bows and hack things to pieces with swords.
The sons of Reuben, and the Gadites, and half the tribe of Manasseh, of valiant men, men able to bear buckler and sword, and to shoot with bow, and skilful in war, were four and forty thousand seven hundred and threescore, that went out to the war. 1 Chronicles 5.18
All they needed was a war to keep them busy. And they found one.
They made war with the Hagarites, with Jetur, and Nephish, and Nodab. 5.19
While the sons of Reuben were fighting, they cried to God, so God decided to be on their side, delivering the Hagarites into their hand.
And the Hagarites were delivered into their hand, and all that were with them: for they cried to God in the battle, and he was intreated of them; because they put their trust in him. 5:20
And that pretty much did it. Once you have God on your side in a holy war that is “of God,” killing people is a piece of cake.
For there fell down many slain, because the war was of God. 5.22
All that was left was to collect the booty.
They took away their cattle; of their camels fifty thousand, and of sheep two hundred and fifty thousand, and of asses two thousand, and of men an hundred thousand. 5.21
Which is pretty good, as booty goes. 50,000 camels, a quarter million sheep, 2000 asses, and 100,000 slaves.
But how many were killed in this holy war of God? It’s a shame that God doesn’t tell us, but with 100,000 slaves, I’d think the valiant sons of Reuben must have killed 50,000 or so. What with God on their side and all.
118. God killed a half million Israelite soldiers
2 Chronicles 13.15-17
Number Killed: 500,000
Israelite soldiers
Sometimes God has to kill a half million of his favorite people just to make a point of some kind. I’m not sure what the point was in this case, but that’s beside the point, whatever it might have been.
Here’s what happened.
There was a war between King Abijah of Judah and Jeroboam of Israel. Abijah had 400,000 “chosen men” and Jeroboam had 800,000 “mighty men of valor.”
Abijah set the battle in array with an army of valiant men of war, even four hundred thousand chosen men: Jeroboam also set the battle in array against him with eight hundred thousand chosen men, being mighty men of valour. 2 Chronicles 13.3
Abijah stood on a hilltop and delivered a long, boring speech to all 1.2 million men. (He had a very loud voice.)
Abijah stood up upon mount Zemaraim, which is in mount Ephraim, and said, Hear me, thou Jeroboam, and all Israel; Ought ye not to know that the LORD God of Israel gave the kingdom over Israel to David for ever, even to him and to his sons by a covenant of salt?
…
And, behold, God himself is with us for our captain, and his priests with sounding trumpets to cry alarm against you. O children of Israel, fight ye not against the LORD God of your fathers; for ye shall not prosper. 13.4-12
When Abijah was done with his speech, Jeroboam’s mighty men attacked from behind.
But Jeroboam caused an ambushment to come about behind them: so they were before Judah, and the ambushment was behind them. 13.13
But then the chosen men of Judah cried to God, blew some trumpets, and shouted all at once.
When Judah looked back, behold, the battle was before and behind: and they cried unto the LORD, and the priests sounded with the trumpets. Then the men of Judah gave a shout. 13.14-15a
And then God got involved, killing 500,000 Israelite soldiers.
As the men of Judah shouted … God smote Jeroboam and all Israel before Abijah and Judah. And the children of Israel fled before Judah: and God delivered them into their hand. And Abijah and his people slew them with a great slaughter: so there fell down slain of Israel five hundred thousand chosen men. 13.15b-17
But it was all for a good cause. I’m just not sure what the cause was.
119. Jeroboam
2 Chronicles 13.20
Number Killed: 1
Jeroboam
After God killed 500,000 of Israelite soldiers (118), he killed their leader, King Jeroboam.
Neither did Jeroboam recover strength again in the days of Abijah: and the LORD struck him, and he died. 2 Chronicles 13.20
You see, God hated Jeroboam. To God, Jeroboam was the worst person who had ever lived.
Go, tell Jeroboam, Thus saith the LORD …. thou hast … done evil above all that were before thee. 1 Kings 14.7-9
(Why did God hate Jeroboam so much? Because after he became king he made two golden calves, put them on altars at Bethel and Dan, and led the people in sacrifices to them. See 1 Kings 12.28)
God had already killed Jeroboam’s son (88), and after God killed Jeroboam, he killed the rest of his family (89).
I’m not sure why. I guess it’s all a part of God’s family values.
This killing is a bit out of place chronologically. But I’ve decided to orde
r God’s killings according to the order that they occur in the Bible. It’s hard to be sure of the correct chronology of mythical events.
120. God killed a million Ethiopians
2 Chronicles 14.12-13
Number Killed: 1,000,000
Ethiopians
In the killing before last (118), God killed 500,000 Israelites. That was pretty impressive. But here, in the next chapter of 2 Chronicles, God killed a million Ethiopians.
God got involved in this killing because he liked Asa, the king of Juda, so much. Asa did what was good and right in the eyes of the Lord by destroying the temples of other gods and forbidding their worship.
Asa did that which was good and right in the eyes of the LORD his God: For he took away the altars of the strange gods, and the high places, and brake down the images, and cut down the groves. 2 Chronicles 14.2-3
And he drove homosexuals out of the land.
And he took away the sodomites out of the land. 1 Kings 15.12
So when the Ethiopians attacked Judah while Asa was king, you know which side God was on.
There came out against them Zerah the Ethiopian with an host of a thousand thousand. 2 Chronicles 14.9
All Asa had to do was ask.
Asa cried unto the LORD his God, and said, LORD, it is nothing with thee to help, whether with many, or with them that have no power: help us, O LORD our God; for we rest on thee, and in thy name we go against this multitude. 14.11
And God killed all 1,000,000 Ethiopians, apparently all at once, in a single day.
So the LORD smote the Ethiopians … they were destroyed before the LORD. 14.12-13
It was the largest, single, God-assisted slaughter in the Bible. [And according to McEvedy and Jones (p.230), it would have killed five times the entire Ethiopian population at the time.]
121. Friendly Fire: God forced “a great multitude” to kill each other
2 Chronicles 20.22-23
Estimated Number Killed: 30,000
Ammonites, Moabites, and Edomites
“A great multitude” of Ammonites, Moabites, and Edomites gathered to attack the kingdom of Judah.
There cometh a great multitude against thee from beyond the sea … the children of Ammon and Moab and mount Seir [the Edomites]. 2 Chronicles 20.2,10
The king of Judah, Jehoshaphat, prays and prays and prays some more, asking God for help.
And Jehoshaphat stood in the congregation of Judah … And said, O LORD God of our fathers, art not thou God in heaven? and rulest not thou over all the kingdoms of the heathen? and in thine hand is there not power and might, so that none is able to withstand thee?
…
And now, behold, the children of Ammon and Moab and mount Seir … invade.
…
O our God, wilt thou not judge them? for we have no might against this great company that cometh against us; neither know we what to do: but our eyes are upon thee. 20.5-12
Everyone in Judah heard Jehoshaphat’s boring prayer.
All Judah stood before the LORD, with their little ones, their wives, and their children. 20.13
And then the spirit of the Lord came upon Jahaziel (the son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel, the son of Mattaniah, a Levite of the sons of Asaph) who told the people of Judah not to worry. They didn’t even need to fight; God would fight for them.
Then upon Jahaziel the son of Zechariah, the son of Benaiah, the son of Jeiel, the son of Mattaniah, a Levite of the sons of Asaph, came the Spirit of the LORD in the midst of the congregation; And he said, Hearken ye, all Judah, and ye inhabitants of Jerusalem, and thou king Jehoshaphat, Thus saith the LORD unto you, Be not afraid nor dismayed by reason of this great multitude; for the battle is not yours, but God’s. … Ye shall not need to fight in this battle. 20.14-17
Then Jehoshaphat and the entire population of Judah fell on their faces.
Jehoshaphat bowed his head with his face to the ground: and all Judah and the inhabitants of Jerusalem fell before the LORD, worshipping the LORD. 20.18
Jehoshaphat appointed singers to praise the beauty of holiness and say, “Praise the Lord.”
Jehoshaphat … appointed singers unto the LORD, and that should praise the beauty of holiness, as they went out before the army, and to say, Praise the LORD. 20.20-21
And God took care of everything else.
He ambushed the opposing army, forcing the Ammonites and the Moabites to kill the Edomites, and vice versa until “every one helped to destroy another.”
When they began to sing and to praise, the LORD set ambushments against the children of Ammon, Moab, and mount Seir, which were come against Judah; and they were smitten. For the children of Ammon and Moab stood up against the inhabitants of mount Seir, utterly to slay and destroy them: and when they had made an end of the inhabitants of Seir, every one helped to destroy another. 20.22-23
And so when everyone in Judah went up to the watch tower, they saw nothing but dead bodies.
When Judah came toward the watch tower in the wilderness, they looked unto the multitude, and, behold, they were dead bodies fallen to the earth, and none escaped. 20.24
Then the people of Judah came down from the watch tower and stripped all the booty from the dead bodies. It took them three days, but they got lots of cool stuff, including precious jewels. But there was just too much for them to carry away.
When Jehoshaphat and his people came to take away the spoil of them, they found among them in abundance both riches with the dead bodies, and precious jewels, which they stripped off for themselves, more than they could carry away: and they were three days in gathering of the spoil, it was so much. 20.25
(Since there was “a great multitude” of Ammonites, Moabites, and Edomites, I estimated 30,000, 10,000 from each tribe.)
122. God made Jehoram’s bowels fall out
2 Chronicles 21.19
Number Killed: 1
Jehoram of Judah
Jehoram (of Judah) was not a very nice guy. When he became king he killed all of his brothers along with some Israelite princes.
Now when Jehoram was risen up to the kingdom of his father, he strengthened himself, and slew all his brethren with the sword, and divers also of the princes of Israel. 2 Chronicles 21.4
And then he did something that really pissed off God: he made all the people commit fornication.
Moreover he made high places in the mountains of Judah and caused the inhabitants of Jerusalem to commit fornication. 21.11
When the news got to Elijah, he sent Jehoram a letter telling him he was in big trouble with God. God will smite his children, wives, and all the people of Judah with a great plague.
Behold, with a great plague will the LORD smite thy people, and thy children, and thy wives. 21.14
And he will smite Jehoram with a disease of his bowels until his bowels fall out.
And thou shalt have great sickness by disease of thy bowels, until thy bowels fall out. 21.15
God first “stirred up” some people to carry away his sons and wives.
The LORD stirred up against Jehoram the spirit of the Philistines, and of the Arabians, that were near the Ethiopians: And they came up into Judah, and brake into it, and carried away his sons also, and his wives … save Jehoahaz, the youngest of his sons. 21.16-17
And then God smote Jehoram in his bowels with an incurable disease.
After all this the LORD smote him in his bowels with an incurable disease. 21.18
For two years Jehoram suffered from the disease, until his bowels finally fell out.
After the end of two years, his bowels fell out by reason of his sickness: so he died of sore diseases. 21.19
123. God killed Jehoram’s sons
2 Chronicles 22.1
Estimated Number Killed: 3
Jehoram’s sons
In Elijah’s letter to Jehoram, he said that God would smite his children and his wives with a great plague.
Behold, with a great plague will the LORD smite thy peop
le, and thy children, and thy wives. 2 Chronicles 21.14
From that, I expected God to send a disease to kill Jehoram’s wives, children, and people. But he sent some Arabians instead.
The LORD stirred up against Jehoram the spirit of the Philistines, and of the Arabians, that were near the Ethiopians: And they came up into Judah, and brake into it, and carried away all the substance that was found in the king’s house, and his sons also, and his wives; so that there was never a son left him, save Jehoahaz, the youngest of his sons. 21.16-17
So I figured the Arabians just enslaved Jehoram’s wives and sons (Elijah, God, and the Bible say nothing about the daughters). But then, the next chapter starts with this:
The inhabitants of Jerusalem made Ahaziah his youngest son king in his stead: for the band of men that came with the Arabians to the camp had slain all the eldest. 22.1
Which means that the Arabians didn’t just take his sons and wives away; they killed them. And since God was the one who stirred them up in the first place, he deserves credit for killing Jehoram’s sons. (The verse doesn’t say what happened to the wives, daughters, or the rest of the people of Judah.)
How many sons were killed by the Arabians? The text doesn’t say, so I’ll guess 3.
124. Ahaziah (of Judah)
2 Chronicles 22.6-9
Number Killed: 1
Ahaziah of Judah
It’s hard to keep track of Bible characters. They often have the same name, live at the same time, do pretty much the same things (do evil in the sight of the Lord), and have the same fate (God usually kills them). It will drive you nuts if you’re not careful.
Take King Ahaziah, for example.
First of all, there were two of them: Ahaziah of Israel and Ahaziah of Judah. They lived at about the same time (9th century BCE), were evil in the sight of the Lord, and they were both (more of less) killed by God.
I’ve already told you about Ahaziah of Israel. He was the guy that God killed (100) for asking the wrong god if he would die after God burned to death 102 messengers for asking Elijah to come down from his hill so that Ahaziah could ask Elijah to ask God if he was going to die (even though he’d already been told that God was going to kill him for asking the wrong god).