by Vicki Grant
I knew I was still in a bad situation, but this kind of took the edge off it. There was something just so great about being able to use Cupcake Katie to make my getaway. I was feeling pretty smug—at least until they started to talk.
“You hear the news?” I figured that had to be the burrito, because I didn’t recognize the voice.
“No. What?”
“Pickpockets.”
“You’re kidding.” Cupcake Katie didn’t sound that impressed. “Does my icing look like it’s on straight to you?”
The burrito raised his voice over the sound of running water. “Push it a little to the left…Yeah. There. You got it.”
“Have they caught anyone?”
“Not yet. But I’ve got a pretty good idea who’s doing it.”
“Oh, yeah. Who?”
“That lame hotdog.”
My ears perked up. No, I thought. They couldn’t possibly be talking about me.
The burrito went on, “You know. The one that tried to horn in on your territory? Frank Lee Awful or Frank Lee Inedible or something like that.”
They had a laugh over that. I, on the other hand, almost had a heart attack.
Cupcake Katie said, “No way. He wouldn’t pickpocket anyone.” I was flattered that he came to my defense. “He’s too much of a klutz! Didn’t you see? I barely touched him, and he went down like a rock.”
I heard a strip of paper towel being ripped off.
“No, no. You don’t understand.” It was the burrito again. “He doesn’t actually do the pickpocketing. He’s the decoy.”
“What do you mean?”
“He lures the people over with the samples, then his ‘associates’ pick their pockets.”
The cupcake snorted. “He’d get a lot more victims if he had samples you could actually eat.”
Good point. I hoped that would put an end to this ridiculous discussion.
“Yeah—but that’s what’s so great about his plan. The guy’s a lot smarter than he looks. His samples are so revolting that all anyone can think is, ‘Get this out of my mouth!’ They’re not worrying about their wallets. You could rob them blind, and they wouldn’t care.”
“Brilliant,” Cupcake Katie said. “I mean, in a sick sort of way. The hotdog must be raking in the money. Did you see the pile of people he had when we walked by just now?”
“Yeah. I wouldn’t be surprised if the owner’s in on it too. He’s so hard up these days, he’d take money any way he can. Last week he tried to talk me into working for him, but I said no way. He only offered to pay ten bucks an hour! Can you believe it?”
“Ten bucks an hour? You’re kidding! That’s highway robbery. I wouldn’t do it for anything less than twenty.”
“Me neither…Oh well. Look at the time, would ya? It’s quarter to three. Better get going.”
“Yeah…Whoa, José. You got some toilet paper stuck to the bottom of your shoe.”
They walked out the door. The last thing I heard was the burrito saying, “Next time I see that security guard, I’m going to tell him to go after the wiener. Guys like that should be in jail.”
Chapter Fourteen
I sat on the toilet. Without that hot, sticky garbage bag, I was shivering. Could this day get any worse? The burrito was going to run to the security guard with his ridiculous theory. Next thing I’d know, Hammy and Brooke would be dragged to the police station in chains.
I’d feel bad about Hammy, but I’d feel worse about Brooke. She was prettier. But that wasn’t the only reason. She seemed so innocent. She was just some poor girl who wanted to have a bit of fun.
I pictured Brooke in the hotdog costume dancing around. Then another image popped into my head. I saw Kelsey circling the crowd—Kelsey, who was always rummaging around in her big red purse.
The burrito’s words came back to me. His associates pick their pockets. I got a sick feeling. It dawned on me that his theory might not be that crazy after all.
There was something about Kelsey I didn’t like right off the bat. She was different from Brooke. Somehow, I just knew she had to be behind this. What was she putting in that purse of hers?
I remembered something else. Shane asking me for money. That in itself wasn’t unusual—Shane was just that kind of guy. But he’d said he’d lost his wallet. What if he was wrong? What if it had been stolen?
I thought back. He’d taken a sample from me and then run off to spit it out. That was the first time I met Kelsey. She must have been right behind him. With Shane focused on food and a pretty girl, it probably wasn’t that hard to take his wallet out of his back pocket without him noticing. It all fit.
I bit my knuckles. What had I done? I was supposed to be helping Uncle Hammy in his time of need. Instead, I’d torn the thousand-dollar costume, thrown his samples all over the floor and somehow made it look like he was the kingpin of a pickpocket racket. (Not an easy thing to do, considering I’m talking about Hammy Hogg.)
Now Brooke was mixed up in this too.
I shouldn’t have lied to her. I should have told her how horrible it was inside the costume. Then she never would have put it on. She never would have found herself in this mess.
If the burrito got a chance to talk to the security guard, I was going to be in big trouble. We were all going to be in big trouble.
I couldn’t let that happen.
I stuck my head out the washroom door. The hall was still crowded with people. I scanned the room for signs of Brooke. I was worried I’d never find her, but then, bingo! I spotted Frank’s blue cape. Brooke was leaning against the wall near the Bison Burger stand. It looked like she was taking a rest.
“Psst! Brooke!” I called to her, but she didn’t turn around. She must have been too far away to hear. I wondered where Kelsey was. Maybe she was using someone else as a decoy now.
If I could warn Brooke to get out of the costume, I might still be able to save her.
“Brooke!” I was practically screaming.
She didn’t move, but a number of other people turned around. That’s when it dawned on me. The last thing in the world I wanted was for Brooke to see me in my underwear. Yes, I wanted to save her, but I didn’t want to blow my chances with her when I did.
I tried to think of a way out of my predicament. I couldn’t use this garbage-bag getup anymore. I had to be able to reach her fast without her seeing what I looked like. I noticed toilet paper on the floor. That must have been the bit that was stuck to the burrito’s shoe.
That gave me an idea. I stepped out of the garbage bag and got to work.
Chapter Fifteen
Sometimes a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
I grabbed the end of a roll of toilet paper. I started at my forehead and kept winding and winding and winding the tissue around myself until I got to my toes. I went through three rolls. I poked holes for my nostrils and wrapped it around my biceps a few extra times just so they didn’t look so scrawny. I thought I may as well impress Brooke while I had the chance.
I stood back and looked at myself in the mirror. I probably should have put my glasses over the toilet paper not under it. They made a weird lump in the middle of my face, but still…I had to give myself credit. Considering what I had to work with, this wasn’t a bad disguise.
I’d just thrown the empty tubes of toilet paper in the trash can when the door banged open and a guy rushed in.
The guy.
The there-won’t-be-enough-of-you-left-to-make-hotdogs guy.
Blue Boy.
He looked me up and down. For a second, I thought he recognized me, but then he said, “You some kind of mascot or something?”
“Ah. Yeah,” I said. This was working out better than I thought it was going to.
“What for?”
“Mummy’s Home Cooking.” It just came to me. I thought it was pretty clever, but Blue Boy looked like he didn’t believe me. “You’ve heard of us, of course,” I said. “Everyone’s dying to try our, ah, Pharoah’s Phries.” I n
udged him with my elbow, but he didn’t laugh. He squinted at me suspiciously and said, “Well, okay…” as if this was a test and I just barely passed.
He started kicking open the cubicles like he was a narc on a drug raid, and I darted out the door. The guy was clearly crazy. I would have run out of there even if I didn’t have something important to do.
I slowed down once I was back in the hall. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. I’d also wrapped the toilet paper on a little tighter than I should have. It was already starting to tear. I had to focus on getting to Brooke.
Most of the people I passed ignored me, but one little girl said, “Why’s that guy all covered in toilet paper, Mommy?”
“Shush, Tyler,” her mother said. “He must be ill.”
Maybe my disguise wasn’t as good as I thought it was, but it didn’t matter. Brooke was right in front of me now, still leaning against the wall by the Bison Burger.
I was happy until I realized I didn’t know what I was going to say to her. She couldn’t find out it was me. She wasn’t the type of girl who would fall for some dork wrapped in bathroom tissue. I decided to play dumb.
“Excuse me, would you happen to be Brooke?” I said. I was going to tell her I was a friend of Frank’s and had a message for her. She didn’t answer.
“Brooke?” I said.
That’s when I noticed she wasn’t leaning against the wall. She was slumped against the wall, as if she was unconscious. That scared me. I knew how hot it got inside that costume. She could have fainted or gotten sick.
“Brooke?” Still no answer. Maybe that soap I used was toxic. I slapped my hand against my chest, and my elbow ripped through my toilet paper sleeve.
I leaned down to see if she was all right. I could smell her rose perfume.
“Brooke…? Are you all right? Brooke?” I gave her a little shake.
The costume was empty.
Chapter Sixteen
I don’t know if it was the rose perfume or the shock of finding out that Brooke was gone, but my body reacted. I jerked forward and sneezed so hard that I tore the face and bum right out of my costume. It was pretty much toast after that.
The impact knocked Frank to the ground. I saw with horror that his whole left side was covered in dirt and ketchup (not his own).
A thousand bucks. That’s what I kept thinking. Poor Hammy.
Poor me.
I looked at the big clock in the middle of the hall. 2:58. Despite all his faults, Hammy was always on time. He would be here any minute. I instinctively turned toward the stairs to check if I was too late.
I didn’t see Hammy, but I saw something else.
A big red purse.
I squinted through the crowd. Yes. That was Kelsey’s purse. Over by the exit. I stood on my tippy toes. Kelsey was talking to someone. He turned toward me.
It was Shane.
He moved his big square head, and I saw that Brooke was there too. She had her hand on his arm and was laughing.
With all the trouble I was in and all the trouble I was going to be in, I should have been worrying about more important things than whether a girl liked me or not. But I wasn’t. All I could think was, Brooke’s laughing at one of Shane’s jokes.
It broke my heart. As if on cue, the bit of toilet paper still clinging to my hips slid to the floor. Standing there in my underwear, I couldn’t deny it any longer. Shane really was more Brooke’s type than I was.
I heard the squeal of a door opening and turned around. Blue Boy came barreling out of the washroom and was running right for me. He was talking into his shoulder, just like they do in the movies.
I suddenly understood.
The outfit. The beefy build. Kicking the cubicles open. This guy was the security guard.
I turned again and saw Hammy, right on schedule, walking through the middle of the crowd. He had fresh samples on his tray and a big grin on his face.
I read somewhere that when a person is in the middle of a disaster, things happen in slow motion. I can now say for a fact that it’s one-hundred-percent true.
Everything wound down. The sound turned off. I saw the world clearly.
The security guard was going to arrest me, either for pickpocketing or public nudity or both. Hammy was going to watch it happen and then get arrested too. So was Brooke. For one brief moment I pictured the two of us, together at last. I was almost looking forward to it until I realized the paddy wagon probably wasn’t the best place to start a relationship. Meanwhile, Kelsey was going to walk out the door with all the money in her big red purse.
The security guard kept charging toward me. His arms were pumping. His mouth was stretched back toward his ears from the effort. Sweat sprayed off his forehead in a sparkling silver arc. I even had time in my slow-motion world to think that it looked kind of pretty.
I can explain everything to the security guard, I thought.
No, I decided, it would take too long to convince him. Kelsey would be gone by then.
I had to get the purse myself. I needed evidence.
I looked at the Frank Lee Better costume. I realized it was too late put it on. I realized I was going to have to run through the crowded hall in my one-hundred-percent-cotton, Y-front briefs. I realized I had no other choice.
It was a split-second decision. I bolted out ahead of the security guard. The few remaining squares of toilet paper flew off my shoulders like autumn leaves off a speeding car. People looked at me and laughed. I didn’t slow down. I kept going, even when I knocked a mascot called Sushi Sue right onto her wasabi.
Kelsey heard the commotion and turned around. She probably didn’t know what hit her. I yanked her big red purse off her shoulder and picked up speed. She screamed, “Help! Help! Thief!”
Ironic, don’t you think?
It was only when I was running through the crowd toward the exit that it dawned on me. I had no idea what I was going to do with the purse. Give it to the security guard? Give it to Hammy to pay him back for the mess I’d made of things? Give it to my mother for Christmas?
I never had a chance to figure it out. I turned around and saw Shane with his big arms around both girls. He even gets to be the hero, I thought. It seemed so unfair.
The next thing I knew, someone screamed, “I got him!”
I recognized the voice, but I couldn’t place it until my feet were knocked out from under me and I was flying through the air.
Cupcake Katie.
Chapter Seventeen
I immediately became a YouTube sensation. Three million hits and climbing. You gotta love cell phones.
It could have been worse. I did get the purse and, after a short tussle, managed to convince the police that it contained all the evidence they needed to convict the girls.
Yes, girls with an s. Brooke—not her real name—was in on it too. In fact, she was the so-called mastermind. When she realized the security guard was onto her, she needed to find a place to hide. And I, moron that I was, happily gave it to her. The Frank Lee Better costume was perfect. No one would recognize her while she and Kelsey kept on pickpocketing.
The security guy was able to arrest them right there, thanks to the quick thinking of Shane Coolen. (There’s a phrase you don’t hear very often.) It turns out he didn’t have his big arms around Brooke and Kelsey to comfort them. He was “detaining” them, as they say in police shows.
“How did you know to do that?” I asked him later.
He rolled his eyes as if the answer were totally obvious. “Dan,” he said, picking wax out of his ear with his baby finger. “You look too pathetic half-naked to do something like that in public—unless, of course, it’s absolutely necessary. You clearly needed my help.”
I thanked him—although I wasn’t sure I should have.
Hammy even forgave me. He was disappointed in me at first, but then all the publicity hit. Everyone wanted to try one of his Hogg’s Doggs. Luckily, Shane and I were able to talk him into ditching the fiber and adding a bit of fla
vor by then. Before long, he was making so much money he didn’t care about the ripped cape anymore.
But the best news was that Shane had been right about another thing too. She wasn’t a meatball or a chicken nugget, but I did run into a girl that day. And when I say “run into,” I mean “run into.”
Sushi Sue just might turn out to be the girl for me. I really did knock her off her feet. We’re going to spend some of the money we earned at the Food Fantasia Fun Fair to go out for pizza next week.
Vicki Grant is the bestselling author of numerous books for juveniles and young adults, including Pigboy, another Dan Hogg story in the Orca Currents series. Vicki lives in Halifax, Nova Scotia.
Titles in the Series
orca currents
121 Express
Monique Polak
Agent Angus
K.L. Denman
Bear Market
Michele Martin Bossley
Benched
Cristy Watson
Beyond Repair
Lois Peterson
The Big Dip
Melanie Jackson
Bio-pirate
Michele Martin Bossley
Blob
Frieda Wishinsky
Branded
Eric Walters
Camp Wild
Pam Withers
Chat Room
Kristin Butcher
Cheat
Kristin Butcher
Cracked
Michele Martin Bossley
Crossbow
Dayle Campbell Gaetz
Daredevil Club
Pam Withers
Dog Walker
Karen Spafford-Fitz
Explore
Christy Goerzen
Farmed Out
Christy Goerzen
Fast Slide
Melanie Jackson
Finding Elmo
Monique Polak
Flower Power
Ann Walsh
Fraud Squad
Michele Martin Bossley
Hold the Pickles
Vicki Grant
Horse Power
Ann Walsh
Hypnotized
Don Trembath