by Lesley Crewe
“We sell the diamonds and our share of Aunt Hildy’s stuff.”
“That would keep us for a year,” Robert sighed. “Of course, if we sold your tiara…”
“No flipping way. I’ve given up too much already.”
“Be realistic. Where will you wear it? To the movies?”
She wanted to punch the wall. Instead she took a piece of peeling wallpaper and torn a huge strip off. “I’ll wear the damn thing everywhere. To yoga class.”
“—we can’t afford yoga class.”
“To the tanning salon then.”
“We can’t afford the tanning salon.”
“To the manicurist.”
“We can’t afford the…”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.”
Elsie came home from work just in time to hear the ungodly scream. Mrs. Noseworthy rushed over to the fence with her pruning shears.
“Oh dear, not another murder? I don’t think I could stand another murder.”
Elsie dropped her paraphernalia and ran across the back lawn, sure someone was in mortal agony, stopping as soon as she saw Juliet chase Robert out of their house with a hanger.
Elsie stood in the yard and shook her fist in the air. “Thanks a lot Aunt Hildy.” Then she shook her fist at her sister and brother -in-law. “Don’t think I won’t call the cops on you for disturbing the peace, Juliet, because I will.”
“Elsie, save me.” Robert tried to climb the chain link fence between them but the cedars that grew over them were too thick and he couldn’t get a good grip.
“Juliet!”
Juliet stopped and looked around in a daze. “What?”
“Put down that blasted hanger and stop making a spectacle of yourself. And go get ready for dinner.” Elsie walked back to pick up her things.
Mrs. Noseworthy shook her head. “There goes the neighbourhood.”
“Tell me about it.” Elsie stormed into the house. She threw her stuff on the kitchen table and sat for a minute to try and think about what she had in the freezer. Then it occurred to her that Faith and Juliet had been in the house all day. Why wasn’t supper ready for her?
She no sooner had that thought than Graham came home with a couple of buckets of KFC. It was as if he had read her mind.
“I could kiss you.”
“Well, I assumed the great lumps hadn’t made anything for dinner. I’ll take mine downstairs.”
“Don’t. That’s stupid. Let’s just eat.”
Everyone was at the table when Robert and Juliet walked in for dinner. Robert was mortified because—just to tick him off—Juliet wore her tiara.
Graham stood at attention. “Everyone rise. The queen is here.”
Slater stood.
Dahlia gestured with her fork. “Sit down. Dad’s only joking.”
Slater sat.
“So. How are the new digs?” Faith asked her sister.
Juliet pouted. “Since it’s a hole, that’s a good way to describe it.”
“I wouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. She gave you a house for heaven’s sake.”
“She gave us a dump that needs to be fixed up.”
Graham smirked. “I think she did it for fun…just the thought of Juliet in a tiara, sitting pretty on a porch the Clampetts wouldn’t own.”
“They ended up with the goods in the end, didn’t they? Just like I plan to, so don’t be so smug.”
Graham reached for more chicken. “You’ll never find any treasure, Juliet. You’re a royal. You might have to work too hard.”
Robert coughed and then gagged when he saw Juliet’s face. He tried to get her attention because he knew she’d blab about the diamonds, but she ignored him. There was nothing he could do but pretend to fall off the chair and faint dead away.
Everyone jumped and ran to help him. Everyone except his wife.
“He’s faking.”
Elsie looked at her sister. “You’re the world’s meanest person.” She knelt beside Robert and loosened his collar. “Maybe we should call 911.”
“I know him,” Juliet said as she reached for a roll. “He just wanted me to shut up.”
“I’ve had first aid,” Eli said. “Put something under his head and elevate his feet a little.”
Lily ran to get an afghan off the sofa.
Juliet shrugged. “You can levitate him if you want to. He’s awake.” She leaned over the chair. “Aren’t you darling?”
Robert was still.
“Stop with the games. I’m starving.”
Robert stayed inert.
“Oh, you bloody man.” Juliet huffed. “Tickle under his armpits. That always gets him.”
Elsie was horrified. “You’re a nut case. Leave the poor man alone. He’s out cold.”
“He’s faking, I tell you. He does this to me all the time.” She reached down and grabbed his pant leg to give it a shake. “Stop it, Robert. Stop it.”
“Get away from him,” Eli yelled. “Slater, get her.”
Slater reached over and grabbed her. She let poor Robert’s foot go and it fell to the floor with a thud. Suddenly Kiwi came out from under the table and started to lick his face. That revived him rather quickly.
“Oh look, he’s coming around,” Elsie cried. “Good work, Kiwi.”
“What happened?” he whispered.
“You fainted, didn’t you darling?”
“I fainted?”
“Yes, love. So I wouldn’t tell them about the diamonds.”
A hush fell over the room.
“Oops.”
“I hate you, Juliet.”
Elsie wished they’d all shut up. She left the squabbling crowd around the table and took a cup of tea in the living room, sipping it as she looked out the window at the neighbours. They went about their business, just nice normal families who looked happy while they washed their cars and played with their kids. Some even put up Halloween decorations.
Why was her life nothing but chaos? She was a normal person who strived to do the right thing and be there for her family, but nothing she ever did seemed to be enough. She had a sort-of husband she both wanted and didn’t want, and two sisters who were so selfish, they’d never think to have supper on the table when she got home from work. Her girls were totally wrapped up with their own affairs and, certainly by the looks of it, had vastly superior sex lives in comparison with her own. She basically subsidized their young men. But worst of all, Aunt Hildy had been killed. Right under her nose.
Elsie looked into the fireplace and thought of her aunt. There was a woman who lived by her own rules and if someone didn’t like it, that was just too bad. What would Aunt Hildy think of her, as she moaned and moped about her life but refused to change it? She had lots of advice for her clients, but none for herself.
She pulled her knees up and hugged them, rocking back and forth. Beside her the cats, Pip and Squeak, purred up a storm. Elsie leaned against them and closed her eyes. If only sleep would come.
But the gods were against her and the whole stupid family poured in, still screaming at each other over the injustice of treasure found but not shared. She let them scream for a while and wondered why they needed her opinion, but apparently they did because they stared at her and waited for an answer.
Elsie never planned what happened, so you couldn’t say it was premeditated. It shocked her as much as it did everyone else and when she thought of it years later, she realized it was the turning point in her life.
She got off the couch, picked up the fire poker, and waved it around menacingly in front of her family. They backed up.
“I want you all to stay away from me, do you hear me? I’m sick to death of all of you! You’re greedy and inconsiderate and never think of anyone but yourselves. All you do is fight and bicker over this ridiculous treasure. Well, none of you will get any of it because I’ll make sure I smash everything to smithereens before you can get your grubby little hands on it.”
She slammed the poker against a crystal vase filled with
pink hydrangea. Glass shattered everywhere. There were horrified screams from Juliet and Faith.
“Mom, don’t!” Dahlia cried.
“Dad, stop her,” Lily shouted.
“Elsie, please.” Graham held out his hand. “Stop this. It’s alright. We can talk about it.”
She walked toward them, still brandishing the poker. They backed up even further. “I haven’t even started!”
Whipping around, the lamp was next, then the pictures on the wall, smashed and knocked to the floor. She swung the poker like a baseball bat and hit the face of the grandfather clock.
“Stop Elsie! Stop it now!” Faith screamed.
“Why?” Elsie screamed back. “This is my goddamn house. It’s not yours!” She reached up and threw the poker at the mirror over the fireplace mantle. Shards of glass crashed to the floor as the large model of her grandfather’s ship fell from its place of honour and broke into a million pieces on the hearth.
There was complete silence. No one moved a muscle.
Then Dahlia whispered, “What’s that?”
“Oh, my god. It’s Aunt Hildy’s treasure,” Lily whispered back.
Scattered amongst the wreckage of the wooden ship were diamond rings and necklaces, ruby bracelets, sapphire brooches and ropes of cultured pearls—hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of jewellery.
The family looked at one another in shock, then back at Elsie.
She turned to face them. “I say, you guys are pretty pathetic treasure hunters. I say, maybe you should just relax and let the treasure find you.”
She grabbed her car keys and left.
Lily and Dahlia burst into tears. Everyone else just stood there. Finally Graham spoke.
“And I say, we should clean up this mess for your mother. We’ll gather it all up and put it in a garbage bag so we can look at it later. Then we’ll do the dishes, make our lunches for tomorrow, and have everything ship shape for when she comes home.” He cleared his throat. “If she ever does.”
Chapter Thirteen
When Graham woke up the next morning, he tiptoed upstairs to make sure Elsie was there. She was sound asleep, thank God. He was almost surprised to see her. He wouldn’t have blamed her if she left town. He looked at her and thought how beautiful she was. It occurred to him that he was the biggest idiot alive. What man lets a woman like this walk out of his life?
When he went back downstairs he was surprised to see an immaculate kitchen, with breakfast ready and the coffee on. The table was set with the good cutlery. There were even napkin rings. The girls were bright-eyed as they waited for their mom to come down and be impressed.
“Is she up yet?” Lily asked.
Graham shook his head.
Dahlia looked worried. “You don’t think she really hates us, do you?”
He poured his coffee. “Would you blame her if she did?”
“What do we do with all the stuff Mom found?” Lily wondered. “I can’t believe I feel this way, but I really hope we don’t find anything else. Who needs more aggravation?” She took her napkin out of the ring, really looking at it for the first time. “Tell me they’re not real silver.”
Her sister looked inside for the mark. “Yep.”
Lily was incredulous. “Why on earth is all this stuff here? Was Aunt Hildy some kind of kleptomaniac? Surely everything doesn’t belong to her?”
“Maybe she was a smuggler,” Dahlia suggested. “Maybe she robbed tombs and came back here every few years to hide more loot, so no one would know where to find it.”
“That actually sounds like a reasonable explanation,” her father said. “It’s possible your Aunt Hildy was a master criminal.”
The girls looked at each other. Lily said, “Maybe Aunt Hildy was killed by a rival. Someone who wanted their stuff back.”
“They weren’t very smart then,” Graham laughed, “because they didn’t take it. Not to mention, if they were Aunt Hildy’s vintage, they’d be pretty darn old.”
“That’s true.”
Faith wandered in to the kitchen. “Good morning. What’s true?”
Dahlia buttered her toast. “We want to know why Aunt Hildy had so much stuff and how she hid it without anyone knowing.”
Their aunt poured her orange juice. “She’s squirrelled this stuff away for a long time, a veritable packrat. Think about it. She always travelled and never had a home of her own. She accumulated a lot of stuff over the years and probably used this house as a storage facility.”
Graham took a sip of his coffee. “But there are storage facilities. Why not use them?”
“I know why,” Lily almost shouted. “She said her whole life was a game of hide-and-seek. She found buried treasure all the time, whether it was bones or dishes. She’d love it if someone looked for it instead of just turning a key in a safety deposit box.”
Faith drank her juice and put the glass on the table. “Either that, or the more likely theory: She was bonkers.”
“That’s my take on it,” Graham said.
She turned to him. “By the way, two outlets in the attic don’t work. Maybe I blew a fuse. Could you check?”
He got up. “First Elsie, now you.” He started for the basement stairs, but turned back. “Lily, call Crystal and tell her your mom won’t be in today. Say she has a sniffle or something. She needs her sleep.”
“She needs a psychiatrist,” Faith said.
“And you don’t?” Graham went down the stairs to the fuse box and opened it. She was right. A fuse had blown. He replaced it and was just about to close the box when he saw something out of the corner of his eye. He picked it up and rubbed the dust off it.
He trudged back up the stairs.
“Look what I found.” He opened his hand to reveal a large ruby ring.
Lily had a mouth full of Cheerios. “Now it’s becoming kind of a bore, don’t you think?”
The other three nodded.
Elsie woke with a start out of a sound sleep, confused at first about where she was. She thought she heard a bang. But of course, since the shooting, she jumped whenever she heard something out of the ordinary. It was probably Faith in the kitchen. The kids would be gone. And Graham. Juliet and Robert were probably over at the house. So she lay in bed and thought about what happened last night.
For the first time in a long time, she felt powerful. When she left the house, she drove for hours. Then she found herself at Harry’s door. She didn’t even question why she felt the need to go there. She didn’t want to think at all.
But she knew it was because Harry was uncomplicated. He didn’t ask anything of her, made no demands. He only ever wanted to make her feel good, so she took what was on offer and surprised herself and him with her wild lovemaking. She wanted to feel something other than emptiness and he helped her for a while.
Now it was time to get up. She got out of bed and had a hot shower, scrubbed her skin raw. It felt good, as if a layer of her old self had been removed. As she dried herself off she heard another muffled bang. What was that? She put on her bathrobe and went into the hall. It was quiet. She walked over and opened the door to the attic.
“Faith? Are you up there?”
Only silence. She went downstairs and was nearly in the kitchen when Kiwi gave a high-pitched yip. She poked her head into the dining room. The little dog was barking in circles. He wouldn’t come to her, so she continued on. Flower was standing in the middle of the kitchen floor growling at nothing.
“What’s the matter with you two? Faith, what have you done to these dogs?”
She waited for a saucy answer, but none came. Since Faith wasn’t in the kitchen, maybe she was in the pantry.
“Faith?”
Nope. No one there either. It felt like someone was home but no one was to be found. Out on the deck, she saw Robert on his back stoop, throwing boxes into the yard.
Elsie yelled over. “Are you feeling okay? No more fainting spells, I hope?”
“Nope. What about you? That was quite a pe
rformance last night.”
“We’re all entitled to go around the bend once in a while.”
“Lucky for us you did!” he laughed. “You’re a natural when it comes to finding loot.”
“Is Faith over there?”
“Yeah. They’re arguing. Naturally.”
She gave him a wave and went back in the house. She suddenly realized it was a workday. She phoned Crystal.
“Social Work Department.”
“Hi Crys.”
“Hey, how are you? Lily called and said you were under the weather.”
“No. I was under Harry all night. And get this. I trashed my house before I left.”
“I’m sorry but is this Elsie Brooks, model citizen?”
“This is Elsie Brooks, wanton sex goddess.”
“I hate you.”
“And I love you. I’ll be there in an hour.”
“I won’t be here. I don’t work for a woman who gets some while I dry up like an old prune.” She hung up.
Elsie looked at the receiver. “I love that girl.” She hung up the phone and grinned, but stopped when she noticed Flower. The fur on the back of her neck stood on end while she stared at nothing.
Lily wanted to apologize to her mother, but she had to leave for school and couldn’t wait any longer for her to get up. She didn’t know exactly what she would apologize for, but she knew one thing: Last night her mom was frightened. And that scared her.
She had a weekly quiz and she was late for it. Eli looked up when she hurried into class. He smiled and gave her a thumbsup.
She tried to concentrate but was struggling to finish the last five questions when tears welled up and the need to blow her nose became more important than anything else. She rose from her seat and took her paper to the front. The professor glanced at her but she didn’t stop to explain. She left the classroom and ran down the hall as far as the Coke machine. That’s where Eli caught up to her.
He took her in his arms. “Let’s go to my place.”
Eli snuggled her on the mattress and let her cry about her mom’s fit of rage and her dad being a murder suspect and Aunt Hildy’s death and finally Dahlia’s leaving home.