by Renee, K.
She walks over to me and wraps me in her arms. I cry for a good hour before she encourages me to go and talk to Jaxson. I can tell she’s hurting, but she won’t admit that. She has always been so strong for me, it makes me want to try and be strong for Jaxson. After all, he’s my husband. He deserves the truth.
“Okay, Mom. I’ll tell him tomorrow.”
Smiling, she gives me a hug. “Lyndley, you’re stronger than anyone I know. You’ll get through this.”
Around lunchtime, I see Jaxson at the diner, but instead of telling him, I freeze. I’m not ready to tell him yet. He wants to talk, but I need a drink or two before I can get the story out. Luckily, some girl calls his name and he turns. Seeing my opportunity, I take off. I know it is stupid to run away from him, but it isn’t as easy as I imagined.
I wander to the creek behind the high school and sit with my feet in the water for most of the afternoon. By about seven p.m., I finally work up enough courage to talk to him.
Before I just go to his house, I text him to make sure he’s home and available. I don’t want to interrupt anything.
Me: Can we talk?
Jaxson: Yeah, Lynnie. What’s up?
Me: This is probably something we need to talk about in person...
Jaxson: Well, I'm at home if you want to come by.
Me: Okay. I'll be there in a few.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I make my way to his house.
After softly knocking on the front door, I give myself a pep talk. My hands are shaking, tears rolling down my face. I already know this is going to destroy anything left we have between us. When he opens the door, I take in his appearance and burn it into my memory because this might be the last time I ever see him.
Seeing my tears, his brows crease in concern. He holds out his arms and I go to him. Wrapping me in a tight embrace, he leads me through the door and shuts it behind us. He rests his cheek on the top of my head. “What’s wrong, Lynnie?”
I pull away from him and make my way to the couch. My mind is spinning, and I feel like I’m going to get sick. “You may want to sit for this,” I whisper.
He sits down next to me and looks at me with a serious expression. I can’t figure out what he’s feeling and I’m not sure how to start. I decide it would just be best to say it and get it over with.
“Jax… After I went off to college, I found out I was pregnant.” He straightens, still looking at me. When he looks like he’s about to say something, I hold my hand up. “Please, let me finish before you say anything,” I beg. Taking a deep breath, he nods.
“As scared as I was about having a baby, I was excited, too, because it meant I still had a piece of you with me. It was the only thing that kept me sane. I knew the baby would always love me.”
I look away from him and towards the window. I feel him grab my hand and he threads our fingers together. A small smile crosses my lips. I look back at him.
“My whole pregnancy went great and I couldn’t wait to hold our child in my arms. The day I went into labor, I was sleeping. When I got myself to the hospital, the contractions were so bad, I could barely breathe. Once they wheeled me back to deliver the baby, something was wrong. They couldn’t find her heartbeat.”
He lets go of my hand and puts his head in his. I don’t know how to take away the pain. It took me so long to be able to get over the heartbreak I was plagued with after her death. I put one hand on his back and the other on his leg.
“The doctors said the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck.” I can barely get the words out. I didn’t even tell my mom how she died. The tears start to pour down my face and my chest hurts. Watching his heart break is just as bad as the pain the day she died.
I watch him wipe tears from his eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me, Lynnie? I would have been there for you. You wouldn’t have had to do any of it on your own. How could you not tell me I was a fucking father?!” I flinch at his tone, but it’s something for which I prepared myself. I knew he would be angry with me. Hell, I’m angry with myself.
“Jaxson, you would have left your family and came to New York to be with me. I didn’t want you to have to choose. You would have lost out on the last few years of your dad’s life!” I am glad he spent the time with his father, but I’m sad he missed out on everything with our daughter.
“I fucking missed out on my daughter’s whole life!”
“I’m sorry I took the choice away from you,” I whisper.
Scrambling up, I run out the door before he can stop me, throw open my car door and jump in. Tears are streaming down my face and there is nothing that can take the pain in my chest away. Hitting my hands against the steering wheel, I scream. Life can be so unfair.
Knowing he didn’t come chasing after me speaks volumes. I don’t think he is going to be able to forgive me. I had warned him that I wasn’t the same person, but he wouldn’t listen. Trying to get my point across, I broke his heart.
Chapter Five
Driving away from Jaxson’s house, I try to keep the tears at bay. Before I pull into my parents’ driveway, I check my face in the rearview mirror. My eyes are bloodshot and puffy, my hair is a mess from running my fingers through it over and over, and I have mascara running down my cheeks. Sighing, I get out of the car and walk inside. My mom takes one look at me and comes to pull me into her arms. The tears start to fall again and I sob on her shoulder.
“Shhh, baby girl. I’m right here for you,” she whispers. I hear my dad clear his throat, but he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he just wraps his arms around both of us.
“He hates me. I took away his only chance to meet his daughter,” I whisper.
“Lyndley, if he decides he can’t forgive you, you will have to accept that. You were young and made a mistake. If he loves you like I know he does, he will forgive you.” My dad never says much, so hearing him give me his thoughts makes me feel like I can get through anything.
When we finally break apart, I tell them I’m going to bed.
“We love you, Lyndley. We will always support you one hundred percent,” my mom states with a small, sad smile.
“I know, Momma. I love you both so much. Good night.”
Making my way into my room, I look around, remembering the last good memory I have of Jax and me.
“Baby, I don’t want to go watch that movie,” he whines. I’ve been trying for days to get him to go watch A Walk to Remember with me.
I poke out my bottom lip. “Please, Jaxie. I’ll do whatever you want if you take me.”
A grin appears on his handsome face and he looks me over. I’m dressed only in my black and white striped bikini. Having just gotten back from the creek, I was getting ready to shower, and he was sprawled out on my bed. Grabbing my hand, he pulls me on top of him. He kisses me and groans as I run my fingers across his cheek. When we break apart, I hover right above his lips.
“You know what I’d really like?” The grin on his face instantly gets me wet. I shake my head, and he drags a finger slowly up the side of my arm. "Well, I would love to get a whole night of just me and you. No friends, no parents." His voice drops to a husky whisper. I want nothing more than to spend a whole evening alone with him.
Nodding, I agree to whatever he wants. He kisses me once more before smacking my butt. Getting up, I flip him off, then walk out of my room and to the bathroom.
I hear my phone beep, breaking me out of my daydream. Looking at the screen, I see Amie's name.
Amie: Hey, girl. Wanna go out for drinks?
Me: I can't. I'm in Texas.
Amie: You're what?! Are you serious?! What about your apartment and Tyler?
I didn't tell any of my friends I was leaving New York because I didn't want them to look at me with pity.
Me: Yeah, I'm serious. Everything in Tyler's name was seized and he was arrested. I had nowhere to go, so I came home.
Amie: OMG! He got arrested? Why?
Me: Embezzlement and insider trading.
A
mie: WTF! Why aren't you standing by your man?
Me: He blamed everything on me, but I didn't do anything wrong.
Amie: Oh girl, I'm sorry. I love you. If you need me to come out for a few days, I can.
Me: I'd like that, but only if you have some free time.
We text for a while, making plans for her to come visit. I think it will be great to get a few days of fun with Amie.
Lying on my bed, I think about all the things I need to do. First, I need a job. I don't want to have to rely on my parents the rest of my life.
I think about texting Jax, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to talk to me right now, so I send him a text with only three words.
Me: Gracilyn Marie Harper.
Turning off my phone, I plug it in to charge, then try to fall asleep.
The next morning, I make my way into the kitchen and see that it's empty. I wonder where my parents went. Once I finish making myself breakfast, I sit at the kitchen table and think of my next move…looking for a job. Once I finish, I clean up my mess and head to the shower, then get dressed and make my way out of the house.
Walking into the diner, I ask Stu if he has any openings. “For you, Lyndley, I will make some room,” he states with a grin.
"Thank you so much, Stu! I promise to be the best waitress you have." I hug him.
"We are just glad you are home, Lyn. Your momma and daddy really missed you.”
I nod and try to keep the tears at bay. I know I made a lot of mistakes over the years, but not visiting them was probably the worst. I was always afraid what they would think if they knew the truth about the baby, the marriage, and Tyler.
Sometimes I feel like an idiot for keeping them in the dark all these years. They would have only done what they could to help me, just like I would have done with own my daughter.
I make my way down to the creek, hoping to get away from things for a while. As I walk down the steep hill, I slip and tumble the rest of the way. When I slam into a rock, I feel pain radiate through my leg. When I finally come to a stop, I grab my phone, wincing, and try to call my mom, but no one answers.
When I try to stand up, I can't put any pressure on it. Shit. How the hell am I going to get out of here? Taking a deep breath, I do the only thing I can. I call Jax. Before the voicemail has a chance to pick up, Tate answers.
"Hey, Lynnie. I'm not sure he wants to talk to you right now. He’s in a bad way,” he slowly states.
"I know he probably hates me right now, but I need help. My parents aren't answering and I have no one else to call. Can you please come help me?"
"What’s wrong?” he asks curiously.
"I think I broke my leg or something. I fell down the steep hill by the creek. I can't put pressure on it and I can't get back up on my own. Please…,” I beg.
"Shit,” he mutters. "Okay. He’s coming out of the bathroom. I'll let him know."
"Please hurry, Tate,” I groan, hanging up. Jax is going to be mad. He probably has a million better things to do than help me.
I try to move, but I just end up getting muddy. Wiping my leg off the best I can, I see the bruise already forming. I have a bump the size of a softball, and the bruise is even bigger. I touch it softly and wince at the pain. It's not the worse pain I've ever had, but it’s still pretty bad.
Sighing, I sit and wait for the cavalry to show up.
Chapter Six
After about fifteen minutes, I hear voices. One sounds like Tate, but I can't make out the other one. Looking up, I wait. When I see his face, I instantly feel better. He's wearing his cowboy boots, a pair of worn jeans, and a black t-shirt that perfectly shows all his muscles. My mouth waters at the sight of him.
Mentally smacking myself, I try to get myself in check. I need to leave him alone. After today, I will wait for him to decide when he's ready to talk to me.
"Lynnie,” he says. I watch his muscles ripple as he makes his way down the embankment. He slides a bit when he gets near me and I brace myself for him to fall, but it never happens. Instead, he catches himself and slowly inches to me. "Are you okay?" he asks, looking unsure.
"I can't put pressure on my leg. I hit it on a rock."
He squats down beside me and gently cleans the mud off my leg. "Shit, Lynnie. You never do anything half-assed, do you?” I don’t think that’s a compliment and, to be honest, it stings a little. I turn my head, trying to hide my embarrassment. He grabs my face with his forefinger and thumb, forcing me to look at him. "I didn’t mean anything by it." I nod and look away again.
He sighs. "Come on. Let’s get you out of here. Wrap your arms around my neck.” Without saying anything, I do as he says and let him pick me up. The moment his skin touches mine, I feel the familiar jolt of electricity that is still between us.
"You okay, Lyn?" he whispers.
"Yeah,” I say, blushing. How do you tell your estranged husband you still feel sparks when you touch?
He looks at me and smirks. "Lynnie, I know you better than that. Tell me." As we start to climb up the hill, I look at him.
"I just still feel the spark when we touch. I know it's stupid–”
"No, Lyn. I feel it, too."
His statement knocks the breath out of me. He feels them, too? Maybe I'm not as crazy as I think.
He continues to walk us up the hill, sliding a few times. At one point, we almost go tumbling down the hill again. By the time we get close enough to the top, Tate grabs Jax’s hand, helping us up.
"Hey, Lynd. You okay?" Tate asks with an odd expression, almost like he doesn't know whether or not to be nice to me.
"Yes. Thank you for helping,” I state quietly. He just nods and hands Jax a bottle of water. He takes it and pours some over my leg, gently cleaning the mud off the huge lump on the side of my shin. Every time his fingers touch it, I want to cry.
"Shit, Lyn. This looks bad,” he murmurs, and I wince as he runs his hand over the bump. "Sorry, babe,” he says. "Come on. Let’s go get you cleaned up." I nod and he picks me back up, walking me to his truck.
"Jax, no! I'm muddy!" I yelp.
He just laughs and sets me on the front seat. "I can clean the truck. It's fine."
Once Jax and Tate get in, the atmosphere is really tense. I can tell that something is bothering Tate, but he doesn't say anything. Finally breaking the tension, I say, "Tate, it’s obvious you know what I kept from Jax, so why don't you just say what you want to say. I'm a big girl. I can handle it." I look over at Jax, who is looking in the rearview mirror at Tate.
"What I don't get is why you didn't tell Jax about having a daughter. You leaving was selfish enough. Why would you do that to him?” he sneers.
I try not to take offense. Before I can say anything, Jax looks at me. "Lynnie, you don't have to explain yourself to him.” He looks back in the rearview mirror. “Don't be such an asshole, Tate."
“It’s okay, Jax.” I turn and face Tate. "I know you may never understand why I did it, but I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. The day Jax told me he was staying because his father needed him, I knew things weren't going to be the same. I couldn't stay. I knew I would come back eventually, but I never counted on getting pregnant and losing her. I was ashamed that I couldn't even bring a baby into this world, and I was too young to make the right decision on my own. I regret that I never told Jax. He was right when he told me I am the reason he missed out on his daughter’s life, but there is nothing I can do to change that."
Tears start falling down my face. "I couldn't get out of bed for months. I was so angry, I shut myself off from everyone and everything. After a few months, my roommate forced me to go to group counseling. After a while, I was able to live a little again."
By the time I finish, we have pulled up in front of Jax’s house. Tate gets out of the truck and slams the door, walking into the house. Jax gets out of the truck, making his way to my side and opens the door. “Lyndley, you don’t owe Tate anything,” he whispers, staring into my eyes.
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Licking my lips, I can’t help but feel the fire burn like it always has for him. “I know. Part of that was for your benefit, too. I know you feel like I kept it from you on purpose, but I didn’t. I just didn’t know how to come to terms with what happened, and I couldn’t bear the thought of having to tell you. I love you way too much to ever let you go through something like that.”
I take a deep breath, he leans his forehead on mine. “I am pissed as fuck at you, Lynnie, but I still love you way too much to hate you.”
Sighing, his shoulders drop. I can see how much this is affecting him. “Come on. Let’s go clean you off so we can get a better look at your leg.”
He picks me up and carries me into the house. I can see the anger in Tate’s expression as we walk by him, but Jax just ignores it. “Jax, I’m gonna go start on the chores. Come find me when you’re ready to work,” he sneers, walking out the door.
“Ignore him,” Jax says with a frown.
As he walks me into the bathroom, I start to get nervous. He’s going to insist that I shower or something, but I have no clean clothes. He sets me on the tub and starts the water, testing the temperature before plugging up the bath. Oh, great. He hasn’t seen me completely naked since I was eighteen, and I definitely don’t have the same body I did back then.
Chapter Seven
Once he gets the tub filled and shuts the water off, he looks at me and grins. I watch the way his eyes change, desire filling them. How can he even look at me that way after what I told him yesterday?
“Lyn, I can see your mind working all this out. I already told you. What you told me last night doesn’t change the way I feel about you.” He leans in and softly kisses my lips. “Come on. Let’s get these muddy clothes off and get you clean.”
I look around the room. “I don’t have any clothes,” I mumble.