Her first scene with Oberon went perfectly and she exited stage right on a complete high. Then she walked straight into Jack. Here goes. She took a deep breath and shook her hair back defiantly, preparing for the inevitable cheeky comment about her costume. Instead he looked her straight in the eye, definitely not in the nipple area, and said, 'That was great Valentine; I'll see you on stage,' and walked away. Valentine didn't know whether to be pleased or offended by his response.
In fact Jack's silence about her appearance continued after their scene together, through VPL's notes back to them and into drinks at the Orange Peril. Surely he had some opinion on how she had looked? Everyone else had said something – Toby had told her that she looked sublime, which was undoubtedly an exaggeration but welcome as a compliment all the same; Rufus had said she looked gorgeous; even Xander had said she looked 'cracking'. But so far Jack had said nothing. All in all very disappointing and frustrating because the thrill she had got from being on stage was making her feel reckless, making her forget her determination to keep him at a distance. Now as he sat opposite her in what had become their corner, she longed to be sitting next to him, longed to touch him, but right now it was Emily sitting next to him, making sure that she was close enough for their bodies to touch. Bloody sylph-like skinny minnie Emily!
Valentine stayed for a few drinks, chatting away to Toby and Kitty as if she didn't have a care in the world, but every now and then she found herself looking at Jack. Talk to me! she willed him. Finally, when she could bear the situation no longer, she got up to go. She said her goodbyes and blew kisses to everyone and had just walked out of the door when Jack called out her name. She swung round expectantly and saw that he had followed her out.
Finally he spoke. 'I wanted to tell you that you looked beautiful on stage,' he said softly, his dark eyes almost black in the fading light.
'You mean in a pervy, lap-dancer type of way,' Valentine laughed, but the laugh was to disguise how thrilled she was by the compliment.
'No, I mean in a beautiful way,' he replied, completely serious.
Wow, cartwheels of pure happiness were turning round in Valentine's head, but even then she couldn't let it lie. 'And what did you think of the nipple tassels?' she demanded, and got the rare experience of seeing Jack look less confident than usual.
'There are many things that I want to say, but I respect you too much as a performer. When the play's over I'll tell you.' And with that he turned back into the pub, leaving Valentine wondering why on earth she was trying to play it cool with him. Could she really wait the weeks until the show ended? Right now all she wanted to do was get close to him. Oh all right then, shag his brains out.
Valentine returned home that night high on the success of the play and high on desire for Jack. She decided that she would break her own rule and call him. Lauren was still up so Valentine popped her head round the living room door to say hi. Her flatmate was curled up on the sofa with a magazine, staring transfixed at something. She visibly jumped when Valentine walked in and stuffed the magazine behind her back guiltily.
'Hiya,' Valentine said, 'What were you looking at?'
'Nothing,' Lauren replied, 'just this season's must-have accessories.'
'Really?' Valentine said dubiously. Lauren followed her own fashion path – she didn't give a stuff about must-haves. 'Can I see them?'
'No!' Lauren shot back. 'You'll hate them.'
'OK, Lauren,' Valentine said, 'I know you're lying, because you're the world's worst liar, so what were you really looking at?'
Lauren sighed. 'Just tell me how you're feeling at the moment.'
Valentine considered. 'Really good, really happy; the play's going well. I feel a bit odd about the whole Piers Hunter dad thing, but apart from that, good.'
'And how do you feel about Jack?' Lauren asked.
'Well . . .' Valentine hesitated. She could play it cool or she could confide in Lauren. She felt she would burst if she didn't tell someone. 'Actually I really like him.'
'Good, so absolutely no need to see this then,' Lauren said brusquely.
'Oh come on! Now I've got to, otherwise it's going to torment me.'
'No, I really don't think it's a good idea. I know what you're like.'
'It's not another article about NTM, is it?' Valentine asked.
Lauren shook her head. And suddenly, with a sickening feeling, Valentine knew exactly who it was about.
'It's about Finn, isn't it?'
Lauren nodded. 'Please don't read it, V.' But Valentine held out her hand and Lauren reluctantly handed over the magazine and muttered 'Page one hundred and five, but don't say I didn't warn you.'
Valentine quickly turned to the page. Then she froze and all the joy went out of her day. It was a picture of Finn, featured in a glossy two-page spread as one of Britain's rising young acting stars. There he was, looking impossibly handsome – those blue eyes, dark-blonde hair, sexily dishevelled in black tie with the shirt and tie undone. And there he was coming out of a restaurant, his arm round Eva. 'Oh no,' she whispered as she read that Finn and Eva had recently become engaged. She sat down on the sofa next to Lauren, not even noticing that the springs viciously dug into her.
'V, he's been with Eva for four years; you can't be that surprised. It was bound to happen.'
'He lied to me,' Valentine said without thinking.
'Oh my God! Have you been seeing him?' Lauren demanded. 'V, you're mad!'
Valentine ignored her. She sat gazing at the pictures of Finn, feeling as if he had betrayed her all over again. She was such a fool, a stupid, stupid fool to have believed him.
Suddenly Lauren pulled the magazine out of her hands. 'Enough!' she declared and raced downstairs.
'No!' Valentine shouted, following her. 'I haven't finished reading it! Give it back to me!' They ended up fighting over the magazine on the landing outside Lily's door. 'Stop torturing yourself ! You don't need to look at it anymore!' Lauren panted.
'Give it to me!' Valentine shouted, almost beside herself. She was considering whether to pull Lauren's hair in a desperate last-ditch attempt to get the magazine when Lily opened her front door, looking elegant in cream silk pyjamas and a fur coat – her flat was freezing too. 'Ladies, what on earth is going on?'
'I'm trying to save Valentine from herself !' Lauren shouted back, still holding firmly on to the magazine.
'I don't need saving!' Valentine shot back. 'I'm fine about Finn; I just wanted to read the article.'
'Fine about Finn? Do me a fucking favour!' Lauren shouted back. 'Every time his name is mentioned or we come close to discussing what happened with him, you go into a major depression. I know what it does to you, Valentine. And now I know you've been seeing him! He's completely fucked you up!'
'Fuck you, Lauren! I don't need you patronising me. It's not like you've got the most well-adjusted attitude to relationships. Miss dysfunctional of the fucking century! You're so fucked up you don't even know a good man when you meet him! I expect it won't be long before you get rid of Nathan.' Valentine had lost it. She wanted to hurt Lauren, anyone, as much as she was hurting inside right now.
'Valentine, I'm sure you don't mean that; why don't you come in, have a drink and we can talk about this,' Lily put in reasonably.
'Leave me alone, Lily!' Valentine shouted back. 'And you're a fine one to give advice on relationships! All those years you wasted when you could have been with Frank!'
It was such a cruel thing to say, and as soon as the words were out of her mouth she bitterly regretted them. 'Maybe Finn is my Frank! I still love him, don't you get it? Just leave me alone.' And with that she grabbed the magazine, ran down the stairs and out of the house.
She had no idea of where she was going. All she could think about was Finn. Her feelings for Jack were pushed out by the toxic mixture of pain, betrayal, and longing evoked by Finn. She walked for several hours, through Notting Hill, along the Bayswater Road, round Marble Arch, along Oxford Street, then into Soho. She was ob
livious to the chilly March air. She felt rejected all over again. Finn had promised, sworn that he was going to leave Eva – Valentine would never have got involved with him again if he hadn't. But when it came to it, it was Eva he chose yet again, leaving Valentine to wonder why it hadn't been her.
It was close to midnight and press night was tomorrow; she should have been at home in bed. Eventually exhaustion got the better of her and she caught the night bus. By now her feelings of anger towards Lauren had ebbed away and been replaced by a deep sense of shame that she had been so vile to her best friend and that she had said such a terrible thing to Lily.
The flat was in darkness when she let herself in. It was after one a.m. but even so she softly knocked at Lauren's bedroom door. There was no answer. Valentine quietly opened the door, determined to say sorry. But Lauren's bed was empty; she was probably with Nathan. Valentine felt awful. Lauren had done nothing wrong. She had only been trying to protect her. She reached for her phone and simply texted sorry x. She didn't expect a reply that night, but just as she was getting into bed her phone beeped. Lauren's text read I understand, now go to sleep mother fucker! X. There was just the matter of Lily.
Even though Valentine had gone to bed so late, she made sure she got up early in order to buy flowers for Lily. She headed straight for a flower stall on Portabello Market, buying a huge bunch of pale pink peonies, which she knew were Lily's favourite flowers. Then she raced back, wanting to catch Lily before she went out. Frank opened the door when she knocked.
He looked tired, but at least he wasn't looking at her like she was the Antichrist. 'Oh hi Frank, I just wanted to give these to Lily and apologise for last night.'
'Come in, she'd like to see you. She's been worried about you.'
Stepping into Lily's flat was like going into a vintage treasure trove. Lily did not do minimalism and every possible surface was covered in wonderful ornaments and pieces of art deco china, glorious art deco lamps and photographs from Lily's heyday as an actress – she'd been such a beauty. In the corner of the living room she had a glass cabinet displaying the jewellery she'd collected over the years. She hated beautiful things to be locked away. Usually Lily would have been darting round the flat making tea, but this morning she was lying on the sofa, a beautiful green embroidered scarf around her shoulders and a pink satin eiderdown covering her legs, while Frank fussed round the fire.
'V, how lovely to see you!' Lily said, no trace of resentment in her voice for Valentine's cruel words of the night before.
'I'm so sorry for what I said,' Valentine said, handing her the flowers and perching on the end of the sofa.
Lily smiled. 'My favourites. How sweet of you, but there was no need. I understand. Have you got time for a cup of tea? Frank, can you be a darling and make it? I fancy lapsang souchong.'
Valentine waited for Frank to make a cheeky remark, as he would usually if Lily mentioned one of her posh teas, but he just nodded and padded out to the kitchen. And usually Lily would never trust Frank to make her tea, teasing him that he was only good for making the strong builders' cups that he preferred. But Lily didn't look as if she had the strength to do anything.
'Are you OK, Lily?'
'Oh I'm fine, darling, just struggling to get over this virus.'
'Well, have you been back to the doctor?' Valentine persisted.
Lily smiled gently. 'Yes, I've been back to the doctor. I'm fine. It's you I'm worried about. Try not to think about Finn. He belongs to the past. It's time to start again with Jack. He's perfect for you, I just know it.'
Valentine wished she shared Lily's certainty.
'Anyway, I have a little good-luck present for you.' Lily ignored the doubtful look on Valentine's face and handed her a small box. Inside she found one of Lily's favourite cocktail rings, a fabulous turquoise gem in a gold setting.
Valentine looked up at Lily all set to tell her that she couldn't take it, but Lily smiled and said, 'Please V, I can't wear it anymore. I'd like to think of you wearing it. And good luck tonight.'
Even though she had made her peace with Lauren and apologised to Lily, Valentine felt blue all day. She should have been looking forward to the first night, but instead she felt vulnerable and on edge. She kept trying not to think about Finn, but then she'd remember. An all-too-familiar feeling of worthlessness invaded her. Why was he engaged to Eva and not her? Had he been lying to her all along when he said he still loved her? She put off going to the theatre as long as possible, not wanting to see anyone and especially not wanting to see Jack. She just wanted to escape into her role, not have to deal with the world right now. But Jack was the first person she saw when she walked into the theatre.
'Hi,' he said, looking at her warmly. 'I texted you today; didn't you get it? I wondered if you wanted to have coffee. And I meant just coffee, not anything else, cross my heart.'
Valentine had got the text. 'Sorry, I was busy.' She knew she sounded cold, but couldn't help it. She felt the need for defences against him, against anyone.
'Are you OK?' Jack asked, looking at her closely. 'Your eyes look sad. Has something happened?'
'No, nothing. Just tired, I think, and nervous. Anyway, I'd better get ready, see you later.' And without waiting for his reply she headed for the dressing room. Well done Valentine, you really know how to keep a man.
Everyone else was already in costume and in the middle of putting on their make-up. 'You're late!' Kitty exclaimed when Valentine walked in, 'VPL was starting to get jittery. It doesn't take much to push him over the edge.'
'I know I cut it a bit fine, but I just needed some head space before coming in and I knew I wouldn't get any here.'
Both paused to watch the Twirlies warming up – stretching their long legs ridiculously high above their heads and then effortlessly sliding into the splits – truly they were like creatures from another galaxy. Emily moaned loudly to Dixie that she had a spot on her cheek.
'I can't see anything, sweetheart,' Dixie patiently reassured her. 'You've got perfect skin. You all have,' she added, looking around the room, anxious not to offend anyone. Rule number two from the make-up artist's bible – never tell your clients the painful truth; just reach for the concealer. Lots of it.
'We haven't, Dixie,' Kitty shot back. 'But no doubt we will when we've trowelled on enough make-up.' At that Emily gave her an evil look, no doubt objecting to the implication that her skin was less than perfect.
Valentine looked at Kitty and shrugged, 'See what I mean?' She had been dreading coming in, but gradually as she started putting on her costume and make-up, some of the darkness began to lift. For now at least she was no longer Valentine with the disastrous love life who had made all the wrong decisions. She was Titania again. Beautiful, powerful, in control – well at least until she got drugged and ended up falling in love with a donkey! Valentine had often wondered if the reason she loved acting so much was that it offered escape from the real world and above all escape from herself. She sat down at her place in front of the mirror and tried to shut out the activity around her, the men coming in to make coffees and flirt with the Twirlies, Emily fidgeting and constantly going in and out of their dressing room – either it was nerves or she was on the lookout for Jack. Kitty was quick to point it out to Valentine. 'I see Princess Precious is still on the prowl for Jack,' she said quietly when Emily was out of the room.
Valentine shrugged. 'He doesn't belong to me.'
'Not yet,' Kitty replied cheekily, 'but we all know it won't be long.'
This was the very last thing Valentine needed to hear right now. 'Look, I don't give a shit to be honest, Kitty. Yes, I admit that I fancy Jack – who doesn't? But I don't know if I could ever trust someone like him.'
Unluckily for Valentine that was the moment Jack knocked at the door and walked into the dressing room. She wasn't sure how much if anything he might have heard. If he had heard he didn't give anything away. Immediately Emily came back into the room and made a beeline for him, telling him he could
have some of her tea if he wanted.
'It's not herbal, is it?' Jack asked. 'I can't be doing with that. I only like builders' tea.'
'Is that because you're so manly?' Kitty teased him. 'Do you go weak if you don't eat red meat once a day?'
'Nope, don't eat red meat at all,' Jack replied. He looked at Valentine as if expecting her to join in the banter, but she just turned away and put on more lipstick. She didn't even care that she was half-naked in front of him.
'Well good luck everyone,' Jack called out, leaving the dressing room.
Valentine replied, 'And you,' but avoided looking at him.
'What's the matter?' Kitty whispered, sitting down next to Valentine, ostensibly to check her make-up.
'Nothing, I'm just centring myself.'
'Good work everyone!' Vince declared afterwards, as everyone gathered in the girls' dressing room to get their notes. 'In a nutshell, I think he just means faster, better!' Kitty whispered to Valentine as VPL droned on.
Valentine was last to leave the dressing room. She had scrupulously avoided eye contact with Jack throughout Vince's feedback. The performance had gone well but she still didn't feel up to being around people, or more precisely being around Jack. She felt too shaken up. She'd just go for one drink, she decided, so the rest of the cast didn't think she'd completely lost the plot, then go straight home. All the other women had glammed up in honour of press night, but Valentine felt too drained. She simply wiped off the gold paint, tied her hair back and put on a baggy black jumper, leggings and biker boots. Upstairs, the tiny theatre bar was rammed. Vince had managed to get in a number of critics – maybe he really was going places, as Sylvia her agent had promised. Kitty waved to her from one of the tables and Valentine wove her way through the crowds, steeling herself. Lauren and Nathan were also at the table, along with Rufus, Toby and Jack. And Julia Turner. Valentine's spirits took a further nosedive.
'You were fantastic, V!' Lauren declared. 'We got you a drink – double vodka OK?'
Valentine Page 12