“I’ve never wanted anything but living here, Dad. You know that.”
With skills that always baffled Erin, he moved to the table, coffee mug balanced just right. “I know. But you deserve more. You deserve the guy that’s right for you.”
Erin laughed. “Well, when you find him, let me know.”
“Oh, we’ve found him all right. He’s just marrying the wrong woman.” Her dad took a sip of his coffee and eyed her over the mug.
Erin couldn’t argue. And she couldn’t tell her dad about Vanessa, either. The fewer people drawn into the drama, the better.
She grabbed a mug herself and filled it with coffee and a little creamer then joined her dad at the table.
“Have you ever told him how you feel?”
In all the years it had been just her and her dad, they’d never talked about boys. Of course, there hadn’t been any to talk about. She’d dated in college, but nothing serious. With her mind set on living in Marietta, there were few guys willing to have a long-term relationship with her and end up in a small town. Besides, none of them ever matched up to Lucas. He’d always liked Erin for who she really was. She had yet to meet another man who treated her the same.
“No. There was never really a chance.”
“What about now?”
“Dad. He’s getting married.”
“He’s not married yet. What if you love each other and the only thing in the way is not having said as much?”
“Dad! I never said I love him.”
Her dad shook his head. “Didn’t have to. It’s written all over your face. You’ve loved him since you were a teenager. What have you got to lose by letting him know that?”
Everything. Their friendship. Her pride.
At least before, when he’d walked away and didn’t look back, he hadn’t known the depth of her feelings for him. Now would be an opportunity for him to walk away from her life yet again, only this time knowing how she felt about him, which would tear her heart apart in a way it would never recover.
Her dad placed a hand on hers. “Think about it.” He wheeled away from the table. “I’ll be out today. Daniel and I are going to Bozeman.”
“Daniel St. Claire?”
“Yes. He offered and it sounded like a great way to spend a Sunday afternoon.”
He headed down the hall to his room. Erin looked out the window and placed her chin in her hand. Her father hadn’t said what they would be doing in Bozeman, but… whatever. He wasn’t letting anything get in the way of living his life. Maybe it was time for Erin to do the same.
How would Lucas respond if she told him she loved him? Was she afraid he would walk away, or was she more afraid he wouldn’t, because then what? She wouldn’t have to tell him what she knew about Vanessa, only her feelings. Would that be enough?
So many questions rattled around in her head that didn’t have answers. The sound of Lucas’s truck pulling into the drive only served as a reminder she had little to no time to find the answers either.
She went to the sink to rinse her coffee mug. Out the window, she saw Lucas coming up the front walk. Her heart rate sped up at the sight of him. Could she risk him knowing how much she loved him?
Maybe her dad was right. Maybe she should tell Lucas how she felt. The thud of his boots on the front steps matched the pounding in her chest. Maybe it was time to actually give her heart to Lucas St. Claire.
*
Lucas had thought all night and morning about what he would say to Erin when he arrived, but as he walked up her front steps, he found himself at a loss for words. Not getting much sleep, he’d spent most of the night staring at the ceiling.
Being in Marietta had brought to light a part of him he’d tamped down for so long, he’d all but forgotten it existed. Wrapped up in work and life in New York, he’d focused on what was right in front of him living one day at a time. After seeing his brothers find happiness, he recognized how much he wanted that kind of stability in his life. A future with someone, and to actually think long-term.
Then he’d met Vanessa. And things had fallen into place.
At least he thought they had. Seeing how happy his dad was moving to Montana, along with his brothers doing the same, he thought a country wedding in Marietta would be perfect. He still thought that. But being back had brought the side of him that loved being outside to the surface. Racing Erin across the meadow had sparked a fire in him he thought long gone. It was a rush of adrenaline like no other because it brought excitement, but also peace.
In the past few weeks, he’d also had to face the fact that being with Erin did the same thing. Any time he was with her, saw her, or even thought about her, all the pieces of his life seemed to fall into place.
She was nothing like Vanessa. No, it wasn’t fair to either of them to compare. But how could he not? Vanessa was a woman he’d thought would fit perfectly in his world, but it was Erin who was perfect for him. Like McKenna said, maybe it was time for him to start living as himself, not the guy he imagined his family wanted him to be.
And Erin brought out that Lucas. She was honest and loyal. There were no games with her, no façade. He’d never have to question what she was thinking or feeling—she’d tell him. At least she used to. Erin was a bit more guarded now. And he understood that. He’d given her no reason to be anything else.
She opened the door before he was able to knock.
“Hey there.”
“Hey yourself.”
“You wanna come in for some coffee?” She moved aside to let him in the house.
“Actually, I was hoping we could go to the barn.” He looked across the yard then back to her.
She had on worn jeans and boots with a long-sleeved t-shirt. Her daily uniform that he was beginning to love. Not an ounce of makeup on with her wavy hair framing her face she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. Real. Authentic.
“Sure. Let me get my jacket.”
She closed the door behind her and they walked to the barn. “It looks amazing in there. The ceremony is going to be gorgeous.”
The barn did look great. The outside paint had held well, despite the snow that had fallen, and the inside was now cleared out, ready for chairs and whatever stuff Vanessa had coming that week. She’d shown him pictures from the book she carried around, but he hadn’t paid much attention. As soon as she’d made it into a circus, he’d begun to check out.
“It’s really going to be beautiful, Lucas.”
He’d wandered over to a stack of hay bales that had been pushed to the side.
“Those will be moved out. There’s still a bit left to do.”
He sat down and patted the hay beside her. “Sit with me.”
With her hands in her pockets, she looked unsure, but walked over to him and sat down.
He laid back, placed a piece of hay between his teeth.
She laughed and laid back beside him.
“Just like old times.”
“Somewhat.”
With one word she’d summed up the fact that, although they lay there like they’d done when they were kids after a long horseback ride, everything else was different. The scenery was the same, the two of them were not.
They stared at the ceiling of the barn. Shoulder to shoulder, her warmth beside him like coming home. As if all he needed in the world was right there beside him.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Shoot.”
“Why are you marrying Vanessa?”
And there she was. The straight-shooting Erin he’d always known.
He put one arm behind him to pillow his head. “I want to settle down.”
“That’s not a super romantic answer, Lucas.”
He laughed. “No. It’s not. Truth?”
“Always.”
Man, he loved that about her. “I’m ready to settle down. And then I met her and I liked her. She understands my life. My world in New York. We hit it off and the rest just happened. And I know she’s not after me fo
r my money.”
Erin’s body shifted.
“McKenna says I’m an idiot. That I’ve lived too long under the shadow of what I think Wes and my dad want from me, how I view my place in the family.”
“McKenna’s right. You’re an idiot.”
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome. We’ve had this conversation before, Lucas. Years ago. Yes. You’re the third St. Claire son. But be that son. Not Wes. Or Mike. Or anyone else. Do you honestly think your family wants you to marry a woman because she has all the right credentials?”
“I used to think so.”
“And now?”
The answer was on the tip of his tongue, but he just couldn’t bring himself to say it.
Instead, he turned the tables on her. “What about you? No itch to settle down?”
Her body shifted again, but he was glad she stayed close. “I dated in college, but all I ever wanted was this.” She waved a hand around, pointing to the barn. Her shoulder moved against his as she shrugged. “I’m happy.”
The tone in her voice said otherwise. She was masking her true feelings and he didn’t like that. He liked the honest, up front Erin.
“Remember the what-if game?”
Her body relaxed and she put a piece of hay between her teeth as well. “Yes.” She looked back to the ceiling.
“What if pigs could fly?”
Her giggle echoed in the empty barn.
“What if horses mooed instead of cows?”
They laughed.
He took a deep breath in and let it out. “What if I don’t want to marry a woman who has all the right credentials?”
Her body tensed again. “Are you asking my advice?”
“You always understood me better than anyone.”
She turned her head to face him. He did the same.
“I could say the same about you.” She looked at the ceiling again. “But I can’t guide you on this one, Lucas. This one you have to figure out on your own.”
Chapter Twenty
Lucas parked his truck outside the Graff Hotel. It had been a couple of days since he’d talked to Erin, her words still echoing in his head.
“This one you have to figure out on your own.”
He ran a hand down his face. She was right. As much as he wanted someone to tell him what to do, he knew deep down what he wanted. He had just been too much of a wuss to do it. The last thing he wanted was to hurt Vanessa, but marrying her when he didn’t love her was much worse.
He cut the engine and got out of his truck. As he made his way through the hotel to Vanessa’s room, his emotions were caught between sadness and relief. The thought of calling off the wedding brought a sense of peace that validated his decision.
He used the key she’d given him to enter her suite.
“Lucas? Is that you?”
“Yes.”
She came to the doorway of her room and smiled. “I was just about to hop in the shower. Give me five minutes.”
Before he could protest, she’d disappeared and closed the door. Taking a deep breath, he sank down into the sofa in the living area and laid his head back. He’d gone over and over in his head all he wanted to say to her, but now that he was here, it all flew from his mind.
He’d broken things off with women before, but nothing this serious. And most of the women in his past were in it to be on his arm, because of his last name. Something he didn’t used to care much about. But now? Things were different. He was different. No. Not different. More himself.
Erin’s face smiling at him as they laid side by side on a hay bale came to mind. Yes, being in Marietta had brought to the forefront what he truly liked in life, how he wanted to live, but it was Erin who brought out the best in him. The real Lucas. The side of him that had lain dormant for too long.
He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. The book Vanessa always carried around sat open on the coffee table in front of him. The word bankruptcy caught his eye so he slid the book closer to him.
Anger welled in him as he read. The sounds of Vanessa moving around the next room as she got dressed seemed far off in the distance, his mind focused on what was in front of him.
The doors to her room opened and she stepped out. He looked at her.
“Thanks for waiting. I got a late start today and—” She stopped short, as did her words, as soon as she saw him.
“Lucas. What is it?”
He picked up the notebook and waved it at her. “Just doing some reading. This is quite interesting.”
All color drained from her face. She stepped toward him, taking the book from his hands while trying to recover. “It’s all wedding stuff, love. You know that. Hardly interesting to you, I’m sure.”
“Oh, there are some parts I’m definitely interested in, Vanessa. Like the page where you wrote out how you and your dad can avoid bankruptcy. Seems having St. Claire as a last name would do you both a world of good.”
She sat down in a chair across from him, the notebook clutched to her chest. “It’s not what you think, Lucas.”
“Really? Then tell me what I should think, Vanessa.”
Where he’d come in worried about hurting her, he now tamped down his temper, any concern for her feelings fading fast.
“When you and I met, things were fine. At least, that’s what my dad was telling me. He didn’t reveal to me until recently how much trouble the family company is in.”
“And you figured that since you were already engaged to a St. Claire, there was nothing to worry about.”
“I love you, Lucas. I do.”
“Don’t, Vanessa.” He stood, the need to move around itching at him. He walked to the window and looked out. A couple walked down the street, holding each other’s hand and carrying Christmas shopping bags. “You’re just like the rest of them. My name and family money is all you see.”
She came to stand beside him. “I’m used to a certain way of life, Lucas. Certainly you of all people can understand that.”
He looked at her. “If you think that about me, then you don’t know me at all.”
Anger filled her eyes. “I do know you, Lucas. You weren’t marrying me because you love me.”
“I—”
She put a hand up to stop him. “Don’t. Maybe at some point we became fond of one another, but admit it. Neither one of us was in this entirely for love.”
Lucas’s shoulder sagged. She wasn’t wrong. Her motives were worse in his mind, but there was no use in arguing with her. He’d come to call off the wedding anyway because he didn’t love her. He was marrying her for all the wrong reasons. Apparently, she was as well. And he’d been a fool not to see it.
“I’ll leave this afternoon. Don’t worry. I’ll try to keep the press on this to a minimum. Believe me, I want this to be as quiet as you do. I’m about to get dragged through the mud as it is.”
“I’ll meet with Cynthia.”
“Thank you.” She headed to the bedroom again. “I’ll go pack. You can see yourself out.” The click of the door echoed through the room.
Lucas stood a moment longer, then turned and made his way to his truck. As he gunned the engine, he berated himself for not seeing the truth. His family saw him as someone who couldn’t make a serious decision in life. Wes had seen this kind of thing coming—had sensed it—and yet Lucas floated along like an idiot.
And all because, for the first time in his life, he wanted to make a solid choice. One that would not only be good for him, but also for the family. He laughed. It was almost comical how wrong he got that one. Had he married Vanessa, the crap storm from her needing his money would have dragged the St. Claires right through the mud with her and her dad.
He shook his head and guided his truck home. The meeting with Vanessa had gone worse than he could have ever imagined. Now it was time to face his family. The day just kept getting better and better.
*
Lucas would have been calmer if he were facing a firing squad.
; He was still pissed at what he’d found out about Vanessa. That morning he’d worked through all the emotions that went with calling off his wedding but then heaped on that was the fact that his fiancée was only marrying him for his money.
All the times he’d said she was perfect for him, one of the reasons being that she didn’t need his money, had haunted him since he’d left the Graff. At least he could count on Vanessa to play things down in the press. She didn’t want bad publicity any more than he did. One thing he could count on was her desire to keep her reputation intact.
He’d called a family meeting, everyone needing to know sooner rather than later what was going on. They all sat at the kitchen island, Annalise in her room playing with Glenna. McKenna was gone again for a few days, due to come back for the wedding.
Lucas looked around at his father, his brothers, and their wives, his stomach in knots. In trying to be who he thought they wanted him to be, he’d made a huge mess and put the family in a terrible position.
“What’s up, Lucas? Do you need help with the wedding?” Noelle asked.
He couldn’t help it but he laughed. “Well, in a way.” With a deep breath, he mustered the courage to spit it all out. The whole ugly truth. “I went by the Graff this morning to break things off with Vanessa. Long story short, it turns out she was only in it for the money anyway.”
“Oh, thank God.” Franchesca put a hand to her mouth before moving it to her chest. “Oh, Lucas. I’m so sorry. I did not mean to blurt that out.”
Mike gave his wife a look before shaking his head and mouthing sorry to Lucas.
Lucas laughed. God bless Franchesca and her honesty.
“Are you okay, Lucas?” Noelle sat with perfect posture beside Wes. And God bless her for her kindness.
“I’m fine. I love your honestly, Franchesca, and for looking out for me, Noelle.”
His brothers and father hadn’t said a word.
“I really didn’t mean to be like that, Lucas. Vanessa was just…” Franchesca looked at Mike then Lucas.
“You can say it. It’s not like I’m a huge Vanessa fan right now.” Lucas gave her the permission she was looking for to continue.
His Christmas Bride Page 15