by Shyla Colt
His heart monitor begins to beep faster. I shake myself out of the loop of feelings I’m being spun on like laundry set on tumble dry as my emotions tangle.
“Only you’ll be able to judge that.”
I hate the ugliness that’s crept into the beautiful thing we’ve created together. Or maybe that was a lie, too. I want to tell him to go to hell and walk away, but I need him. We’re slated to start the contest in another week. I won’t lose everything. Wait. I don’t know his side of the story yet. I promised myself I was done making excuses for people.
“Just tell me one thing, and we’ll drop this for now.”
“One thing,” he agrees.
“Is what happened between us a lie?”
“No, Xi. You’re the realest thing in my world right now. I swear that.”
I accept his words and take a deep breath. “Let’s get you signed out and headed home with some meds.”
***
Shayne
“You going back with her I assume?” Stone says.
“Unless you need me.”
“Can’t do us no good if you get dizzy and pitch over. We’re waist deep cleaning up after the mess left.”
I hear what’s he’s not saying. The trouble makers are being taken care of by whatever means necessary. I know Big’s gone. It saddens me. I understand the reasoning, but losing a brother is never easy. The men set in their old ways are meeting grizzly ends.
“You decided to come clean,” Stone guesses.
“She’s smart enough to put two and two together. There was no point in continuing the ruse.”
“I’m not talking about the club.” He stares me down.
I hesitate.
“You haven’t. Didn’t you learn anything from this?” He sighs.
“I can’t have that talk like this. We will after I get my bearings back.”
“I can respect that. You know what you’re going to say?”
“No.”
“You want my advice? Spend the downtime you got figuring it out.”
His interest is odd. “You don’t usually get involved in domestic issues.”
“I saw her face. That woman loves you, and after all you been through, I’d like to see you happy. I think she can balance you out, fill that void you’ve developed. I’ve been around a long time, son. I know a thing or two. You ain’t been the same since your dad died. I think you’ve suffered enough for what you once were. Don’t make a habit of getting in the way of your own happiness.”
“How can she forgive something like that?”
“She may not. The only thing she needs to do is accept you’re no longer that person and want to move forward with you.”
I grunt. “You make it sound so easy.”
“Not easy, but simple. You lay it all out there and wait while she makes up her mind.”
“While I what? Twiddle my thumbs?”
“You’ve been lying to her for half a year. I think she deserves that at least. There’s nothing I hate worse than being lied to or manipulated. She feels betrayed. If you’re going to try to stay together, you need to realize that.”
“Since when are you so wise?”
He laughs. “Shit, this is just common sense.”
“Hmmm.”
He laughs harder. “I don’t envy you. Women hold a grudge like nothing else. You sure she’s worth the struggle?”
“Of course she is,” I say, irritated that he’s questioning her worth.
“Remember that.”
I see what you did there, Stone.
“I’m going to leave you in good hands. I’ve got a lot to straighten out. Think I might start taking my own advice after this”
“You going to elaborate on that?”
“Nope.”
I laugh as he pushes to his feet.
“Whatever goes down, make sure she knows our rules.”
“I will.”
***
She’s been quiet since we left the hospital. I miss the sound of her voice and constant chatter. I shift in the passenger seat and ignore the pain and stiffness setting in after the fight.
“How did you know where I was?” I ask, desperate to break the stifling silence.
“Joel. Why did he have my number?”
“We’ve talked about you before. He is my big brother.”
She glances at me and frowns.
“Not everything I’ve said is a lie, Xia.”
“Huh.”
“Don’t do that.” I bark.
“Do what?” Her emotionless tone hurts me more than any anger ever could.
“Treat me like I’m a con man.”
“Kinda are, but all right.”
Sinking deeper into my seat, I close my eyes against a receding headache and her chilly reception. This is on me. I kept my secrets for too long, like a coward. My fear of losing her may have caused the very thing I tried to so damn hard to avoid.
I rest my head against the window, grateful for the coolness. Things have imploded swiftly. The wrongness between us drives home how right we usually feel.
“I hate this, Xi. It’s not us.”
“It wasn’t. Now I don’t know where we stand.” She sighs. “I thought we agreed to let this go for now.”
“Kind of hard to ignore the elephant in the room.”
“I think we can manage it. I’ll give you this … when you said your family was unique you were not exaggerating at all.”
I laugh. “Yeah, but that’s my normal. It’s basically growing up with a bunch of bachelors. For me, your family dynamic is the fascinating one. Two-family homes are rare for us.”
“Why?” I can hear the assumptions in her voice.
“’Cause just like the military lifestyle, the job always comes first. That’s a hard thing for anyone to deal with.”
“What are bikers doing on food trucks?” she asks suspiciously.
“Learning to open up their own, as we said.”
“If it’s legit, why lie about it?”
“We wanted to keep a low profile. You can’t say you would’ve treated me the same if you knew the truth. On a more personal note, I needed the space.”
“Because of your father?” she whispers.
“Yeah. It really messed with my head. I went away and became a Nomad. That’s basically a traveling member. We have chapters in different cities.”
“And you can just move from place to place?”
“If you’re a Nomad, yes. Otherwise, there’s voting involved.”
“Wow. That’s far more organized than I ever would’ve imagined.”
“People get the wrong idea about us. If it was total chaos, the clubs would fold, and we’d be in the media constantly. We like our chaos controlled, and our lives extremely private.”
“Huh. Makes sense. How are you feeling?”
“Sore and groggy,” I answer honestly.
“No nausea or a headache?”
“A dull headache, no nausea,” I say.
“If anything gets worse, let me know.”
“Yes, dear.”
Her eyes narrow. “Don’t make me abuse an injured person.”
I snicker and groan. “I regret that decision.”
“I’m not calling off work for nothing. You ready to be poked, prodded, and deprived of sleep?”
“Sounds like a good time.”
“It’s the only thing saving you from me lighting into your ass, so I’d enjoy it if I were you.” Her eyes burn with intensity.
“You look beautiful when you’re angry.”
“If you want to land back in the hospital keep that up. Don’t make the mistake of thinking I’ve forgiven you.”
“I never knew you were so vicious,” I say, enjoying the new side of her.
I’m not happy it’s directed at me but seeing it means she might be able to handle this life. The thought jars me. Did I decide I was staying? The time away gave me a chance to miss the brothers and work through my crowded head space. What I needed was a change. The new food truck will allow for that.
The club I knew is gone. There’s a new way of doing things, which is changing everything. If I can get through this transitional period, it might be everything I need. I study Xia from the corner of my eyes. Her back is straight, and her face is troubled. I want to talk her down, but my head feels like it’s in a vice.
I close my eyes and ride the pain, finding a place I can go in my head where I can manage the pain.
***
The pile of DVDs with hot pink cases, bright colors, and women who are clearly from the 80’s frightened me.
“What’s this?”
“My caregiver fee. We watch what I want. You’re going to be sleeping off and on anyway. If I have to stay up and check you every hour, I’m going to be happy doing it.”
She stares me down, and I clamp my mouth shut. A wise man knows when to retreat.
“Now put your feet up and try to relax while we take a trip down memory lane. Back in the 80’s. A simpler time when earrings were big, clothes were bright, and love was lost and found in one-hundred and sixty minutes.”
I watch her thaw slightly as she wedges herself into the corner of the couch when the movie begins. I drift in and out consciousness among first dates, frilly prom dresses, and underwear being show in a bathroom. Her gentle touch and soft voice went a long way toward soothing irritated nerves as she checked my eyes with a flashlight.
“You’re the prettiest nurse I’ve ever had,” I slur.
She gives a half laugh. “Even half-asleep you can’t turn it off.”
“Is true.” My tongue feels thick and clumsy.
She pats my cheek. “Rest now. You’re going to need it tomorrow.” I try to remember what’s planned for tomorrow, but the darkness takes me once again.
***
“Are you sure you’re up for this?”
I shrug. “Does it matter? We need to head back to work tomorrow, and the week after that is the start of Truck Wars.”
“I don’t want you to push yourself unnecessarily.”
“I’d rather get it over with, Xi. Having it hanging over my head is far worse.” We’re seated beside one another at the kitchen island. “Go ahead with all your questions.”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Her voice is soft and full of hurt.
“Because letting you into my circle is a huge deal. I didn’t come down here because I wanted to. I did it for the club.
“To start up your own truck?”
“Yes, we really are looking to expand with more businesses. The next generation is starting to arrive, and we want to ensure they’ll have a future they can control.”
“Oh, I like that.”
“It’s not like what you see on the shows or in movies. We come from all walks of life. We’re not unintelligent. We have nurses, lawyers, business owners, and more.”
“Sounds like your own little village.”
“That’s exactly what the original founders were striving to create. A community that followed a specific set of rules, that weren’t in line with the ones society has chosen. It sounds great in theory, but being truly committed to that way of life can prove challenging. Like when you meet someone when you’re undercover, and you want to tell her, but you have to be sure she’d be open to learning about that part of your life, be able to keep a secret and get permission from the club President who sent you to L.A. in the first place.”
“Stone?”
“He’s the one.”
“I can see how he’d be a man you’d listen to.”
“He’s smart, too. His father was President before him, so he knows what he’s doing. It’s that way with a lot of us. When I say, they’re family, I mean it.”
“I can understand that. It’s a hell of a legacy to pass down, though. Was your father in it, too?”
I nod my head.
“So you really don’t know anything else?”
“This was my attempt at normalcy. For the first time ever, I’m living alone, working a nine-to-five, and taking a step away from club life.” It seems crazy to say when I’m a thirty-year-old man.
“Did you feel you needed to do that?”
“I did. I wanted to see what the grass was like on the other side.”
“Was it greener?”
“Smart ass,” I mumble.
“Hey, I’m genuinely curious.”
“There’s a different kind of freedom for me here … and you.”
She glances away. “I’m trying to understand, Shayne. It feels a lot like a load of crap. A way to make me gloss over the fact that you spent a lot of time lying to me. Okay, you had to get your President’s permission, but why didn’t you do it sooner?”
“Because I had to be sure I wanted to take that step. It’s about ownership. I’m telling my club you’re mine to care for and be accountable for your actions.”
“Yours?”
“Mine. And we both know it.”
“Hmmm. Do we? ’Cause there’s no ring on my finger, and you’re in the doghouse. You broke my trust. I could’ve understood a few months in, but this is over half a year. Did you really still question my character?”
“A claiming is real close to marriage for us. No matter how much time passes, they’re going to view you as mine.”
Her mouth forms an ‘O’.
“So you see why I held back. Not for my sake but for yours. I don’t want to pull you in too deep to something you’re not interested in. I’d be perfectly happy keeping you forever, but it’s got to be mutual, or it becomes illegal.” The tone is amused, but I’m serious. Xia has become an obsession.
“I’ll be honest; I don’t even know what I want to ask. I’m still trying to decide how I feel and I know we have more to talk about, but I’m on overload. I want to know more about what it means to date someone in a club. I’ve always thought bikers’ stance on the law was gray at best.”
“Depends on the situation.”
“So you don’t deny it?” she asks.
“I’m not into lying, Xi. I explained my reasons for keeping the club.”
“Do women have rights?” she asks almost shyly.
“It’s not the 50’s! Of course they do, but no they don’t get into our business because they’re a part of the club association. They’re not patched in or wearing a cut, so it’s not for them.”
“Cut?”
“The leather vest.”
“Oh. I’m out of my depth with this.”
The words feel like a nail poised to go into my coffin. This is the least of the things I have to say.
“This is just the tip of the iceberg, isn’t it?”
“It is.”
“Jesus, Shayne. What did you do?”
I take the plunge. “It’s not what I did. It’s what I used to believe. What my dad taught me from the moment I was old enough to understand words.” My body trembles and my palms grow clammy. The words are lodged in my throat like a pill I can’t get to down.
“Shayne?”
“He was a racist,” I croak.
“What?”
“A bigoted bastard who was against integration and taught my brother and I whites were superior.”
“You believed him?”
Clearing my throat, I nod my head. “I bought into it, hook, line, and sinker.”
“Oh my God.” She covers her mouth with her hand.
“We came from a small community, and we were surrounded by people who looked, talked, and acted like we did. There were a few others who thought the way my father did, but most ignored him.”
>
Her glossy eyes yield tears. I want to wipe them away, but I’m afraid to try and touch her. I couldn’t handle her pulling away from me.
“Did you hurt people like me?” Her voice cracks.
“No, it was never worse than the ranting of an ignorant man afraid of any sort of change. I realized that later.”
“How much later?”
“Longer than it should’ve taken.”
“How long, Shayne?” she yells.
My jaw clenches. “A couple of years. I’m not proud of it, Xia.” I bow my head.
“You let me get involved with you and never said a word,” she hisses.
“It’s my past. I never … I didn’t know we would get this deep.”
“This didn’t happen overnight.” Her face contorts into an expression of disgust that makes my stomach ache.
“How could I risk ruining this? You’re the only woman I have ever loved.”
“No!” She jumps up, and the chair clatter to the floor. “You do not get to tell me that.” Her shrill cry is nails on a chalkboard. She has a manic appearance that shakes me. I’ve never seen her like this before.
“It’s true.” Standing, I grab her arm.
She shakes free. “So I’m what … a pet project? An experiment?” she whispers darkly.
“You are the love of my life.” Smack. My head jerks to the right under her palm. I blink, stunned by her violence. I grab her wrist.
“Do not do that again. Now you know everything.” And I wish you didn’t. Tears pour down her face. Her shoulders shake as the sobs spill forth. I drop her hand and swipe at them with my thumbs. “I never wanted to hurt you. I wish to God I could erase this and make it like it never happened.”
“But you can’t.” She speaks through gritted teeth.
“No, I can’t,” I agree.
“It makes me sick to think about.”
I rest my forehead against hers. “Me too.”
She pulls away and something in my heart breaks. “I can’t. I―” She shakes her head. “This is too much.”
“That’s why I wanted to wait until after the contest.”
Looking up at the ceiling, she takes deep breaths. “I’m not touching this now. I can’t. I have to focus on this contest. But I refuse to pretend like we’re okay.”