‘A masked figure who happened to pique your interest for a few hours,’ he interrupted roughly, and her throat closed over.
It had been more than that, so much more, but what point was there in telling him, when so much else had happened? Their lives had touched for a while and then parted. She hadn’t seen him again until two days ago, hadn’t allowed herself to think of him in all that time, because it would only have heightened her sense of loss. Then she had blanked him out because of Colin, and now she did so because he was no longer the Harlequin of her dreams.
It became imperative not to reveal the true depths of her turmoil. Fixing a faint smile on her lips, she turned to face him. ‘Which is what I was to you, too. A fleeting moment out of time.’
‘Which neither of us has forgotten. You stirred me then as you stir me now,’ Kerr admitted huskily.
‘But it’s too late. Seven years ago, who knows what would have happened? We’re not the same people.’
‘Tell me something, Maxi, just as a matter of interest. Would you have settled for me if Ellis hadn’t turned up?’ Kerr asked conversationally, moving round to face her.
Maxi felt her heart contract. ‘Kerr, there’s nothing to be gained by this,’ she protested helplessly.
He ignored her, catching her under the chin with fingers that hurt. ‘You never intended seeing me again after that night, did you, darling?’ he mused silkily.
‘Please, stop it,’ she pleaded, moisture making her eyes glitter.
‘Why? I would have thought you’d enjoy knowing just how much of a fool I was. After all, that was the purpose of your little come-on out here where it’s delightfully secluded. Wasn’t I supposed to be so smitten that I couldn’t get you out of my mind?’ he taunted cuttingly.
‘No,’ she denied hoarsely, her hand rising to lock around his wrist, yet unable to move him.
‘Why don’t I believe you? Perhaps because you know so well how to tantalise a man. Like giving him your telephone number, but never being there to answer. Oh, yes, I rang,’ he confirmed as he felt her jerk of surprise. ‘Why not? You’d given me the sort of come-on even a blind man couldn’t mistake. What sort of man could resist the lure of a mystery woman? I was determined to find you, although I must admit, I didn’t expect to discover you right on my very own doorstep!’
If she’d known he was there... But what was the use in tormenting herself? She couldn’t have done anything differently. ‘This is all so worthless,’ she insisted, choked.
His lips twisted unpleasantly. ‘My thoughts exactly when I saw you set to work on Ellis, just as you had with me.’
Oh, God! It hadn’t been the same at all. She felt nothing for Colin. Nothing. To hear him compare what they had shared with the sham of her later actions brought a wrenching agony of heart and mind. Dammit, she had loved him! Why couldn’t he tell the difference? Why couldn’t he see that she still—? The self-torment ended abruptly as his voice broke into her thoughts.
‘So tell me, Maxi, how many others have fallen foul of your net?’ he enquired dulcetly.
Maxi finally found the strength to push his hand away, meeting the derision in his eyes with boldly raised chin. ‘Why are you doing this? What difference does it make now?’ she demanded tautly, balling her hands into fists to quell their shaking.
Kerr slipped his hands into his pockets. ‘None, of course. Except, as one of the fortunate ones who’s thanking his lucky stars for a narrow escape, I did wonder if I’m in a minority of one or not.’
Was there no end to the ways he could find to inflict wounds? ‘Well, you can keep on wondering!’
Kerr laughed shortly. ‘Frankly, darling, I can’t be bothered to waste the time or energy,’ he dismissed, and glanced at his watch. ‘It’s late. You’d better come back through. I’ll get us something to eat,’ he suggested evenly, as if they’d just been talking about the weather.
Maxi felt the urge to burst into hysterical laughter. Having just put her through those minutes of withering scorn, how could he possibly expect her to sit down and eat with him?
‘If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather just go to my room.’ With the thought of food nauseating her, she wouldn’t be able to eat anyway.
Kerr raked her pale face with a probing glance, and didn’t press the point. Back once more in the hall, he picked up her case and silently led the way upstairs, showing her to a room overlooking the garden.
‘You should be comfortable here. It has its own bathroom. If you should feel hungry later, feel free to use the kitchen.’
The indifference of his cool politeness struck a chill through her. Not to be outdone, she somehow found an icy smile. ‘I’m sure I’ll be fine. Thank you for your kindness.’
He didn’t miss the irony, and stared at her for a long moment before inclining his head in acknowledgement. He left with a brief goodnight. As he went, so did her strength, and she sank down on to the side of the bed wearily. It had been a day of shocks, and this last one the most devastating. To come here and find it was the scene of that most unforgettable meeting still sent shockwaves through her. It had been the happiest night of her life, for she had fallen in love with a mysterious stranger. It had been magical, almost unreal, but, for all that, very, very real. She hadn’t been able to think of anyone else. She’d longed for him to get in touch. Then...
Maxi firmed her lips into a tight line. Then Colin had happened. There was no point in crying about it. She had made a decision and kept to it. Nothing had changed. Not even knowing how Kerr had hated her for seven years could change one little thing. She mustn’t let him get to her.
With grim determination to follow her own advice, she gathered up her night things, taking them into the bathroom. But once under the shower, first one raking sob and then another escaped from her, and it was impossible to hold back any longer the tears she had always refused to shed. They mingled with the spray that trickled its way down her cheeks. Only when there were no more tears left to shed did she step out of the cubicle and dry herself, slipping into a silk nightdress. As worn out as she felt, she knew she would be unable to sleep, so she didn’t bother to try, just curled up on top of the bed.
Silence descended on the house. She wondered what Kerr was doing. Would he be thinking of her, just as she was thinking of him? No, why should he? She was just the woman who betrayed him with another man. The phrase almost made her heart stop. Betrayed him with another man... What was it Kerr had said when she’d asked him about love? He didn’t believe in it because the woman he thought he’d loved had found someone else she wanted more.
Sitting up abruptly, Maxi pressed her fingers to her temples, willing her thoughts not to fly off in all directions, but to be logical. At the time she’d thought he was talking of someone else, but what if...? Would it have been so impossible for him to have fallen in love with her? After all, she had fallen in love with him that night. It would explain the depth of his anger. Dear lord, if it was true, then no wonder he hated her. He had known everything, seen everything. She could imagine his shock, his disgust. How could he have known it was only an act? They hadn’t had time to get to know each other. No wonder he thought she had been playing him for a fool.
But she hadn’t been, and suddenly it was vitally important that he should know that. Oh, she didn’t think for a minute that it would make him stop hating her, but what he had seen had made him stop believing in love. That was the injustice of it. She was the only one who could put the record straight, and in so doing stop him from missing out on that most precious of human emotions.
Without giving herself time for second thoughts, she swung her legs over the side of the bed and reached for her robe. Barefoot, she let herself out of the room and made for the stairs. She knew Kerr hadn’t come up to bed, for she would have heard him, so he had to be downstairs somewhere. At the foot of the stairs she glanced about her. There was light coming from a room on the right side of the hall, and she padded over to it. Yet when she stepped into what tur
ned out to be a study, she couldn’t see him.
‘What can I do for you, Maxi?’
Just as she was about to leave, Kerr’s disembodied voice made her jump and turn back. In time to see the large chair at the other side of the desk, which she had thought was empty, swing round to reveal his seated figure. He must have been staring out into the darkened garden, and seen her reflection in the window.
Her nerves fluttered, but she had never been one to run away from a task, however difficult it might be. Had she been, she doubted if she’d be in the position she now found herself in. She slowly approached the desk, aware of his eyes following every graceful step. Halting before him, she linked her fingers so that they almost looked like praying hands. ‘I want to talk to you.’
‘I can see you’ve gone to the trouble of dressing down for the occasion,’ Kerr drawled ironically, setting her teeth on edge instantly.
‘I’m serious, Kerr,’ she snapped back edgily, wishing she’d dressed again before coming down.
She didn’t have to see them to know his brows lifted. ‘Oh, I can see that you are,’ he agreed drily. ‘Would we be more comfortable on the couch?’
Catching her breath on a blistering reply, she forced herself not to march out of the room. ‘No, we damn well would not!’ she said tautly. ‘This is important. The least you could do is stop making asinine remarks.’
Not by a millimetre did his expression change. All that moved was the hand that had been resting on the arm of the chair, which lifted to support his chin. ‘OK, I’m listening.’
Having gained his attention, she took a steadying breath. ‘I think it’s about time we were honest with each other,’ she began carefully.
‘Are you sure you know how?’ he interjected scornfully, then raised his other hand placatingly. ‘Go on.’
Maxi realised she should have guessed he wouldn’t make this easy for her, but it only strengthened her resolve not to give way. ‘There’s something I need to know, and there’s no other way I know of getting an answer than just coming right out and asking. So-o, I want you to tell me if I was the woman you said you fell in love with.’
For a while it seemed he wasn’t going to answer one way or the other, but then he laughed. ‘Well, well, well. You are being honest with yourself if you recognised yourself from that description!’
She flushed, as he had no doubt intended she should. She held on to her temper, but leant both hands on the edge of the desk, to bring herself into eye contact. ‘Is that a yes or a no?’ she charged grittily.
Kerr sat forward too. Resting one elbow on the leather surface, he reached across to trail one long finger around the lacy neck of her nightdress. ‘Why do you want to know?’ he countered throatily. ‘Idle curiosity, or is it another game?’
Gasping, she pulled back, but not before her nipples had responded to that blatant caress, jutting proudly against the insubstantial fabric in a manner he must surely have seen. Seething with equal parts of anger and embarrassment, she hastily clutched the folds of her robe around her. ‘Neither! I mistakenly thought we could have a reasonable conversation. I was wrong.’ Not for the first time, but probably for the last. She turned, and had actually taken a step before his voice stopped her.
‘Hell, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t admit it. After all, everybody is allowed at least one mistake. The trick is to learn from it. Yes, I was once foolish enough to think I loved you, Maxi.’
The statement brought her swinging back to face him. ‘That’s what I wanted to tell you. Loving someone isn’t foolish, Kerr,’ she argued strongly.
He didn’t answer immediately. After a moment he rose, going to stand at the window with his back to her. ‘You’re speaking as an expert, are you? As someone who knows what love is?’ he taxed her, in a voice that was, for once, devoid of sarcasm.
It encouraged her to continue. ‘Yes, I do know what I’m talking about, because I fell in love with you, too, Kerr.’ Her confession fell into a pool of silence.
‘You...fell in love with me,’ he repeated tonelessly, turning slowly. She knew he was watching her, but she couldn’t see his face because the draped curtain threw him into shadow. ‘You know, seven years ago that was what I wanted to hear, but it’s pretty hard to believe after all this time.’
Maxi shrugged her shoulders helplessly. ‘I know.’
‘So why are you telling me now?’
It was the critical question, and she answered carefully. ‘Because I hate to think you’re turning your back on love because of me.’
At the window, Kerr stood as still as a statue. ‘And that’s your only reason?’ he probed softly.
She frowned faintly, trying to cut through the gloom in order to see him better. ‘What other reason could there be?’
‘Perhaps you’re hoping I might still love you after all,’ he offered, still in that same controlled voice.
Maxi shook her head. ‘I know you don’t.’
Another silence fell, dragging on until she felt her nerves tense. ‘You’re saying you want me to be free to love again, is that it?’ Kerr eventually responded. ‘But I no longer believe in love.’
Instantly she stepped closer. ‘But you could, if you just let yourself. There’s no reason not to,’ she insisted.
‘Because you weren’t playing me for a fool?’
Now, at last, he was beginning to understand. ‘Yes. I loved you, Kerr. Of course I didn’t make a fool of you. I really did love you,’ she repeated earnestly, and finally he moved.
Laughter echoed round the room. ‘And you say it with just the right catch in your voice too!’ Kerr derided, stepping into the light so that she could see the contempt on his face.
Maxi rocked back on her heels, realising far, far too late, that she had been tricked. Humiliation brought hot colour to her cheeks. ‘You bastard!’
With a harsh laugh he rounded his desk, resting his weight back on it and crossing his arms. ‘Temper, temper,’ he cautioned mockingly. ‘What were you really hoping for, darling? That I’d fall for your bag of tricks all over again?’
Shaking as she was, she used every muscle to make certain he should never know it. ‘I told you the truth.’
Kerr shook his head sadly. ‘I know, I’m a strange man. I really should believe you, but somehow I can’t help remembering how you were winding yourself around Ellis just a couple of days later. Or are you going to tell me that was a figment of my imagination?’
She didn’t speak, she couldn’t, nor could she move when he pushed himself upright and closed the gap between them. He raised a hand to run his fingers caressingly over her face, eyes following the movement as if committing the sight of her to memory.
‘That may be your idea of love, Maxi, but it isn’t mine. Call it lust, and I’d be more inclined to believe you. We turned each other on, we still do. If the whole point of tonight’s little exercise was to offer yourself to me, there was no need to call it love. I wouldn’t have refused you.’ His hand slowly trailed down to her breast, feeling the betraying hardness of its peak as, against her will, her body responded. His lips curved. ‘I still won’t. So, is that what you’re doing, Maxi, offering yourself?’
Meeting his glittering eyes with her own flashing their own brand of scorn, she picked up his hand by the wrist and dropped it away as if it was something particularly nasty. Her smile was wintry. ‘I’m not yet so desperate for a man that I’d turn to you,’ she declared, determined to salvage what was left of her pride.
If she had expected to wound him, she was disappointed. He stepped back with a lazy smile. ‘Then you might as well go back to bed, Maxi,’ he advised, turning away from her and picking up a paper from his desk. ‘But in case you should change your mind, my room is at the end of the corridor. Pleasant dreams,’ he added over his shoulder.
How she wished she could find something withering to say, but she was all out of pithy replies. Maintaining her dignity, she said nothing, merely turned her back and left. The stairs seemed end
less, and they swam mistily as she climbed them. Once more in her room, she threw herself down on the bed, eyes staring blindly at the ceiling. She should have known he wouldn’t believe her, but it hurt that he couldn’t see she had been telling the truth. Well, that was the last time she stuck her neck out to help him. The sooner they parted company, the better.
She rolled on to her stomach, and her fist thudded into the pillow. Damn him. Damn him to hell.
CHAPTER EIGHT
MAXI climbed down stiffly from the train and reached inside for her case. She had hardly slept after their late-night talk, and there had been no rest on the train either. Which, she thought with grim amusement, was probably poetic justice for making the arbitrary decision to take the train in the first place. She hadn’t consulted Kerr, merely left him a note to say what she was doing, convincing herself her bad manners were justified because he wouldn’t thank her for having to miss a working day in order to drive her home.
As it turned out, she was far too early for the train, and had had to change twice, with the inevitable hanging about, so that she was weary and irritable by the time she reached her stop. Hindsight told her it would have been simpler to take the lift Kerr had been bound to offer, but she hadn’t felt able to. Not when she had realised, during that long sleepless night, that she was still very much in love with him.
Hopelessly in love. Hopelessly, stupidly, madly in love. Why else could he have hurt her so, driven her to the highest peaks and the lowest lows? Why else should she care that her actions had made him give up on love? It shouldn’t have mattered. Nothing should have mattered if she didn’t care for him. Then, of course, it had been impossible to ignore the truth which had been fighting to emerge into her consciousness. She loved him, and there wasn’t a thing she could do about it. If all that he had said and done couldn’t kill it, then nothing ever would. How she would come to terms with the futility of it was her problem. She hadn’t yet found the answer.
An Old Enchantment (Harlequin Treasury 1990's) Page 12