by Shane Briant
Five weeks down the track, Fred and I arrived late for our breakfast. The Witch of Endor approached our table and smiled broadly. We knew something was very wrong.
"Vot vood zu like for breakfast?" she enquired.
Fred and I were dumbfounded.
"You mean there is a choice," Fred asked politely.
"Indeed! Zer is egg." Long pause. "And no egg!" she replied beaming at us.
In each episode of 'Mission Top Secret,' there were guest players. Savage always had a dim-witted offsider. In Germany it was a
criminal conjuror called 'Von Steinfurth,' beautifully underplayed by German actor Ulli Lothmans. Ulli died on stage in Leeuwarden, Holland in 2006. He will be sorely missed by his German fans.
Savage was a man of many disguises, as Clouseau was in the 'Pink Panther' films. In the German episode he was disguised as a shepherd with a high hat, green Loden coat, long staff, and beard. He looked wonderfully ridiculous.
The German food on set? It was a very different quality to that of Spain, where we always lunched in a well-respected restaurant, and Switzerland, where we did the same. The German lunch consisted of a trestle table on which were placed two shiny aluminum cauldrons. A stout German would stand there holding a ladle. A typical example of such a lunch would be brown stew in one cauldron and mashed potato in the other. There was no choice. Soft drinks were available, but no wine or beer!
Every evening after work I'd walk the streets of Hamburg searching for unusual and interesting material for my book. In my mind I'd established that the money everyone was looking for was stashed in one of Hamburg's most respected banks by the evil Thomas Pirch, my very own 'Bad Guy,' a man who had survived his childhood by thieving; eventually joining a street gang that called themselves the 'Schwarzenkinder,' the 'Black Children', so named because they felt the name mirrored their souls.
In that way I had neatly locked off the German material.
Next up was La France! This time our home base was the exquisitely beautiful Loire Valley. The town? Amboise. Our partner there was FR3, the French television channel.
If you've never been to Amboise, put it on your bucket list. It's the home of the eleventh century Royal Château of Amboise, overlooking the Loire River. Take it from me, the medieval architecture is breathtaking. What a set we had for our story!
The first day we shot inside the Château, I found it hard to concentrate on anything but the architecture, as well as the castle's history. I'd look at the Long Gallery where we filmed, and imagine Louis d'Amboise plotting against Louis XI; I'd see Charles VIII striding down the corridors in 1495. I'd close my eyes and imagine Henry II and his wife Catherine de' Medici playing with their
children in the nursery. Magic!
As Leonardo da Vinci in Amboise, France.
Our first lunchtime we were in for a big surprise. We'd been shooting indoors in a Long Gallery, so we had no way of knowing that a huge van belonging to the local traiteur had arrived. The French, as we all know, take their food incredibly seriously, and it's no different on a movie set. Thirty or so tables had been set out in one of the halls of the Chateau. Each table had a crisp white linen tablecloth, and the correct combination of silverware one might expect when about to consume several courses. In the centre of each table were bottles of the local wine, both red and white.
It's difficult to remember exactly what I ate that first day, but I do remember we started with hors d'oeuvres, and then went on to a fish course, then a meat course, ending up with the cheese and finally something sweet and delicious.
In France, two hours is reserved for lunch, rather than the one allowed for in the rest of the world.
I expect many will think that drinking wine at lunch is a bad thing. All I can say in defense of a tipple at noon is that French crews drink responsibly; no one was slurring their speech during the afternoon. I am definitely in favour of a leisurely and civilized lunch.
Savage in yet another disguise in the Great Hall, Château d'Amboise.
In all the five weeks we shot in the Loire Valley, the quality of the food never flagged. On some occasions, when the traiteur was too busy, we'd eat in nearby restaurants – my favourite was the magnificent dining room at the Château de Chenonceaux. Simply spectacular.
Interestingly enough, on the morning of the second day, when I arrived on set I was told there was a chance that the day's shoot might be cancelled as the crew had threatened to go on strike unless the quality of the wine served at lunch did not improve.
True. Disbelieve me if you like.
You see, on the first day there were bottles of the local vin du pays on the tables, in this case 'Vin de Touraine.' The sparks pointed out that we were in the region of Bourgueil, an appellation d'origine contrôlée (AOC); to serve vin ordinaire was an insult to the French.
The matter was soon resolved – bottles of Bourgueil, and Chinon were served from that day on.
On the French shoot we had a French director as well as Howard Rubie. His name was Benjamin Legrand.
Ben Legrand with Wendy in Paris 2009
He was an author, had translated many books of American best-selling authors such as Nelson de Mille, and had directed a lot of television in France. His brother is the equally famous film composer Michel Legrand.
Ben is a charming Frenchman, and we became best friends overnight. We still visit him in Paris each time we're there.
The aspect of the entire series that I found most intriguing was the way it was so educational for children all over the world, while not in the least appearing so. When kids watched the series, they not only enjoyed a great story, but by the time they took in the final twist of the French episode, for example, they were familiar with Leonardo da Vinci, they knew the names of his paintings, what he'd invented, that he'd lived and worked at the Clos Luce in Amboise, and that there was a tunnel connecting the Clos Luce with the Chateaux d'Amboise.
The French episode was titled 'The Mona Lisa Mix-Up.' Neville Savage had found a way of reproducing the world's most famous paintings – not just copies but as good as the originals.
Savage's French offsiders were a useless pair of criminals named 'Little Bob' and 'Big Bob' played by Guy Machoro and Jérome Rebbot. They were an hilarious duo.
All in all, it was an enchanting five weeks in the Loire, reminding me of the novel 'The Lost Domain' by Alan-Fournier – an enchanting romantic tale. The sun shone warmly every day, the window boxes in every street in Amboise were a riot of red geraniums, and Jean Pierre was the perfect host at the Blason Hotel. And the special duck dinner he created for Nick and me was as good as the best I had ever eaten before – that of the 'Au Quai d'Orsay' in Paris.
Ben and I also made great friends with a hugely charming girl called Géraldine Guiblin who was our very young clapper loader. She had very short boyish hair and a perpetual smile. Absolutely captivating. She always wore lovely French shoes that clicked on the cobbles. I loved the sound of it and put it in the novel. The Aussies referred to Géraldine as 'Madame La Clap.'
Each evening in the Loire, before and after a magnificent dinner at the Blason, I tapped away at my computer writing the French passages of 'The Webber Agenda,' based on all the information I had garnered during the day. One fascinating location was the very famous 'Caves du Douillard,' caves that run underground from one side of Amboise to the other and were an escape route for fighting men from the fifteenth century onwards. This made these caves the location where one of the stashes of money would be unearthed – while a much larger stash would eventually be found in the old Jewish Quarter of Krakow!
That was France neatly accounted for in my story – decorated with all the history and romance I had discovered there.
Next I flew to England to film there. I knew I'd have to wrack my brains for the relevance of an English chapter for 'The Webber Agenda.' I needn't have worried, the ideas came thick and fast the moment I touched down. Sam Webber's mother had married a Polish resistance leader during the war! Of cour
se she had! I came up with this idea because I knew the final chapters would take place in Krakow!
So while I relaxed in Leeds, I wrote some nicely lyrical passages about Mrs. Webber's reminiscences of Poland during the war. And I could finally reveal my heroine – the love interest – the gorgeous
We stayed in Leeds, because Yorkshire Television was one of our partners in England. Our hotel, 42 The Calls, was a remodeled warehouse on the canals – a spot that used to be a no-go area, yet had recently become trendy. After midnight it returned to its dicey past. I remember one morning walking out of the hotel and seeing a bloodstain on the pavement the size of an open umbrella. A trail of blood lead down the street to the doors of a pub called the George and Dragon; a gay pub that was well known for its violence.
Warsaw is fascinating. Of course it's sad that there is so little left of the old Warsaw. My good friend and prominent Polish film star, Gosia Dobrawolska, owns a beautiful apartment a few hundred yards from the new Bristol Hotel in the old town. She married an Australian, Michael Ihlein, and they live in Sydney. She returns frequently for Polish film festivals and to make yet more films – she's a legend in Poland. In 'The Chasen Catalyst,' the sequel to 'The Webber Agenda,' I named my heroine Gosia Dobra after her. I was told 'dobra' meant 'super' and she was supposed to be very beautiful. Her brother Januj was kind enough to help me with all manner of research.
Award-winning Australian film designer Nick McCallum in Warsaw.
Warsaw has a huge outdoor market close to the Hilton Hotel. When I was there, I have to admit I hadn't yet taken a stand against caviar farming, so I couldn't wait to buy a jar at a price I could afford. It's against the law for tourists to take it out of the country, so if it's found in your luggage it's confiscated (and I firmly believe it's then sold back to the market store owners). I posted a jar to London – it arrived a week later. The one I posted to Ben Legrand in Paris never made it – those Frenchies have a certain nose for delicious things.
When we were filming in Warsaw, the Aussie crew and cast would be picked up after the Polish crew and then driven to the set. By the time I climbed aboard, the back of the bus was packed with very happy Poles. Why happy? Because it was their custom to breakfast on their homemade vodkas. It's one of those local things – everyone makes the best vodka at home, and it's insulting to refuse a taste.
So each morning at around 6 a.m. the grips and sparks would call me down to the back of the bus and offer me the most raw and pungent brews you can imagine. They would pour a couple of fingers into a plastic jar the size of an English teacup. Then it's customary to toss it all down in one gulp. The only problem is that if there are six men who want to honour you with their special tipple, this means you arrive on set having drunk around ten Aussie measures of straight alcohol.
I didn't tell my director Marcus what was happening, but I wasn't about to be a 'wuss' and say no to these guys, as they were such fun, laughing and singing all the way to set – a journey that often took two hours. They took great delight in translating all the 'interesting' phrases one might need into Polish, and then some more. Then they would sing. Somehow I never ended up pissed on set. I tell you, they breed 'em tough in Poland.
My favourite location in Warsaw was in and around the President of Poland's former private train. It had been parked in a siding close to the city somewhere and was absolutely beautiful inside. There were sleeper cars that must have been fabulous in their day, as well as dining cars with amazing inlaid wood decorations.
In the Polish story, the President's train is Neville Savage's personal mode of transport, and I immediately got right into the spirit of the first scene. Savage is eating caviar and drinking champagne while he ponders what to do with some 'Centuari brats' he's kidnapped.
"Why not use the real thing," I begged Marcus. "Just for fun."
"Just this once, then," he replied.
So in this scene it's Beluga caviar and French champagne. It's
never happened since – to me, anyway. Damned shame!
The joy of traveling around Europe on a film or television series is that all the boring things are handled for you. All you have to think of, in between periods of filming, is learning your lines and enjoying life.
From Warsaw we went to Kraków, the capital of Poland from 1038 to 1596. It's Poland's second largest, and one of its oldest, cities, dating back to the seventh century. Kraków has traditionally been one of the leading centres of Polish academic, cultural, and artistic life, and one of its most important economic centres. The twin towers of Saint Mary's Cathedral dominate the central square, the Rynek.
There is so much history in Krakow that I couldn't help spicing 'The Webber Agenda' heavily with anecdotes, both historical and romantic.
My favourite true story concerns Saint Mary's. The legend concerns the time of the Tartar invasions.
When the Tartars were seen in the distance trumpets and bugles called to each other from high places all over Poland. In Kraków, atop the church tower, the trumpeter was unable to finish his call of alarm as an arrow pierced his throat. To this day, to commemorate this brave man, a trumpeter plays the same call as the first brave man, and it is cut short at the very moment the first trumpeter died. It is played four times, to the north, east, south, and west. It's very moving to hear each hour.
My second story is more of a fable, told to me by one of our Polish make-up ladies as we were walking across the Rynek. She turned to me and said, "You must buy me roses. It's traditional. Every day of the year there are roses in the Rynek. Legend has it that the day there are no roses the city of Krakow will die."
I did so, happily. It's a nice story – even better if you are a flower seller in the Rynek!
On our day off, a party of us drove down to the Vistula River and hired a raft. The experience was wonderful. You hire the boat and a traditionally dressed pole-man stands at the back directing you while you eat and drink lavishly. It was a stunning day and we were glad we'd thought to bring several picnic baskets of food and wine. Cheese, caviar, crusty bread and fresh butter, cherry
tomatoes, fresh fruit – everything a traveling film troupe would need. I recommend this side trip.
The Polish film company was not as rich as the other Europeans, like FR3 in France or Yorkshire Television, so they made up for the reduced budget by contributing more crew and locales.
We filmed before Poland joined the EEC, so the Zloty wasn't worth much. Today Kraków is a thriving European city; then everything cost so little. To give you an example. Nick McCallum – our resident bon viveur – scouted out one of the most famous restaurants in Europe, one that just happened to be situated in the Rynek. The Wierzynek restaurant has been visited by most crowned heads of Europe for over four hundred years, as well as every Russian President since the formation of the USSR; Gorbachev dined there the week before we arrived in the same room that Nick had reserved for us – the celebrated Pompejanska Room with its seventeenth century polychrome murals.
Nick threw the dinner to thank his Polish art crew who he knew were struggling to make ends meet. We ate everything on the menu, including lots of caviar, lots of wine, and some amazing desserts, yet the bill worked out at just under five dollars a head. It would be a very different story today. So you can see I simply had to put the Wierzenek in 'The Webber Agenda' somewhere. I set a romantic dinner there between our hero and heroine. They ate the same food as we did.
It was a dark rumour that there was a Polish Mafia connection with the television company. I'm sure it was just because our Polish producer was young and very good looking, and had all the pretty girls on the end of a string. I once saw him down half a bottle of vodka without taking his lips from the bottle.
'MISSION TOP SECRET 2.'
On the second series of 'Mission Top Secret' we flew Business Class. We took with us a wonderful man by the name of Stanley Walsh, one of Grundy's best producers. Also Tony Raes as designer because Nick McCallum was busy on a film.