Somehow we laughed and drank and did more stupid stuff until about one in the morning. Addie and Griffin went to bed first, and the rest of us gathered around the campfire again, talking. We finally made it through the chocolate covered strawberries Mallory made. As I expected, they were exquisite.
“You’re quiet,” Steve said towards me. “What’s on your mind?”
“I don’t know. I just feel uneasy about some stuff,” I answered honestly. “Ben said he wants to ask me something important tomorrow. Mallory and Greyson both mentioned he may be moving to Europe, but he never brought it up to me. I just… I don’t know.” My voice trailed off as I tried to sort out my thoughts.
“It really is a possibility, Meg,” Greyson said. “I know that’s what he wants, if he can get the grant. It’s been quite a waiting game, but I really think it’s going to happen for him sooner than later.”
“So what, you think he wants to talk to you about something serious? Do you think he’s going to ask you to go with him or something?” Mallory asked.
“I don’t know. What if he did? Would I be crazy to say yes?” I asked.
“Well, it would be a little crazy, yeah,” Mallory said honestly. “I mean it’s a pretty irrational decision to jet off with some guy you just met, despite the fact I know that he’s a good guy. You would have to give up a lot here to make that happen. But I don’t know, when I studied abroad in college, that was one of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever had. So from that angle, I think it would be a really amazing thing for you.”
“Obviously that would be crazy,” Steve interrupted, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. “You barely know him. Why him? All these guys who can’t give you a reason to be with them, and this one comes along and you would move to be with him after just a few dates?”
“I know, you’re right,” I replied. “But maybe I’m ready for a change.”
“I think you should go, that would be crazy awesome. I could totally see you in Europe,” Johnny chimed in, slurring his words a bit.
“I’m surprised you guys don’t seem to be completely bashing the idea,” I said, a little amused by it. Then I turned to Steve. “So you won’t tell me to go? I couldn’t do it if you didn’t tell me I should go.”
“I would never tell you to leave, Meg,” Steve said softly. His tone was sincere as he spoke. “Why would I tell you to go? If you want my blessing on that I would never say it. I would never tell you to leave.”
“I don’t know, I guess I’m just starting to feel like a hamster. Like I’m running in circles, but I’m not getting anywhere,” I replied with a shrug.
“That’s because you’re making the same choices,” Steve said, almost sounding a little angry. “You date all the same guys, and then wonder why they’re all too stupid to give you an intelligent reason to stick around. And even if this new guy is decent, which I assume by his company he is,” Steve said, pointing his beer bottle towards Greyson, who nodded in return, “you said yourself you’re too scared to ask him for a reason. So either way, you’re not ready for that. For a girl who’s terrified of commitment, I can think of a plethora of other things that would be a whole lot less of a commitment than moving across the world.”
Mallory and Greyson remained silent, staring at the campfire. We sipped on the rest of our drinks, and everyone seemed in too much of a haze for much more conversation. A few minutes later, Mallory and Greyson decided to turn in and headed to their tent. Then Johnny, slurring his words and laughing to himself, finally crawled into a tent as well.
“Damn, he’s in the tent,” I said to Steve, motioning to the grey tent Steve and I planned on using.
“I didn’t know he was coming, or I would’ve borrowed another one from somebody at work,” he said apologetically. “You can sleep in there, I’ll be fine out here.”
“Nah, go ahead,” I said, looking up at the night sky. It twinkled and looked like glitter to me. The brilliance of it made me smile. “I think I want to sleep outside tonight.”
“I have an idea,” he replied with a mischievous grin. He took off his shirt and stood up, reaching for my hand.
CHAPTER 17
“Um, Darenanza is over. Why are we taking off our clothes?” I asked curiously. I wanted to stop staring at Steve’s perfectly toned, muscular abs, but the glow from the dwindling fire wasn’t helping. It illuminated his firm chest and his toned arms, and his messy blonde hair made him look like the perfect bad decision.
“Well, Johnny is probably in my sleeping bag, so all we have left is yours and a few blankets. We can sleep in the back of Greyson’s truck, but it’s going to get pretty chilly away from the fire. We need body heat. Have you learned nothing from our Discovery Channel marathons?” he asked with a straight face.
Steve grabbed the extra blankets and threw them in the back of Greyson’s truck, helping me to climb in. The moon was a perfect crescent, but still offered enough light to spread out all of the blankets into a make-shift bed. We laid out on our backs and stared up into the sky.
“You know the body heat thing only works if it’s skin on skin, right? Otherwise you’re going to freeze,” I teased, happy that I still had my sweatshirt on. He smiled and put an arm around me, still not bothering to put a shirt on. He wrapped a blanket around us and we laid like that in silence, still staring up into the night. It felt comfortable and confusing to me all at the same time.
“You’re still quiet,” Steve said, turning towards me. “Please don’t tell me you’re still thinking about Europe.”
“Not Europe per se,” I answered, moving even closer to Steve, putting my head on his chest. “But I don’t know. Maybe I’m ready for a change,” I reiterated. “Do you think I’m crazy for thinking I feel something for this guy? I just… I don’t know,” I stammered, unsure of exactly what I wanted to say. “I know I’ve had my guard up for a really long time, and I know everyone doesn’t understand that. I know people think it’s ridiculous. But it’s just a combination of so many things.”
“You threw me for a loop tonight. I had no idea you asked every guy for a reason. What’s that really about?”
“I don’t know, maybe it seems stupid. And sure, it’s easy for me to blame it on the guy in the hot tub when I was fifteen, but I was cynical even before that. You know how messy my parents’ divorce was. That was awful. My mom just packed us up to leave without even giving me a choice. I wanted to stay with my dad, but no one even asked what I wanted. I guess he was the first man who couldn’t give me a reason to stay. So I’ve never really trusted or expected anyone else to.” I continued starting up at the sky, a little embarrassed to be pouring my heart out to Steve like I was. I had so many deep rooted feelings about it, but they never sounded the same as I felt them when I uttered them out loud. The mere words seemed so trivial, but the hurt I harbored from those things was excruciating.
“I know you don’t believe it, but I genuinely believe that someday someone is going to answer your question with the words you want to hear. Someone will get it right.”
“I guess I’m starting to realize that I play a role in making that happen,” I said hesitantly. “I know I can’t just keep shutting people out. Maybe I’m finally ready to care about somebody. But I just met Ben, is that crazy? Is it possible to really fall for someone so quick?”
“As a man, I don’t think I’m supposed to provide any insight on topics like that,” he said sarcastically, resting his hand on my hair.
“Come on, I’m serious,” I replied. “I’m sure you have an opinion on that. I’m sure you want the chance to tell me I’m losing my mind. I just want to know if you really think it’s possible for people to fall in love that fast.”
An owl sounded in a nearby tree, and some crickets and frogs could be heard in the distance closer to the lake’s edge. The night sounds were soothing to me, and the warmth of Steve’s body against mine calmed my nerves.
“I think love is like a storm,” he answered thoughtfully. “Usually it’s gr
adual. You may see it coming from far away, but it takes awhile to build. And then it just intensifies over time.” He paused, then continued speaking. Our bodies were still pressed up against each other. “But sometimes you don’t see it coming. Remember that one time we went down to Arizona State for that football game? It was hot and sunny and we were in your convertible laughing and jacking around. Johnny was in the backseat. And then all of a sudden out of nowhere, there was a monsoon. It just came out of the sky and poured down on us, with all of its power right in the middle of an ordinary moment. I think falling for someone can happen like that too. I think it’s the same thing.”
“So you really think it’s possible to fall in love with someone in six days?” I asked sincerely.
Steve stared at me with burning eyes, and I so badly wanted to know all of his thoughts in that moment.
“I know it is. Back when I was young, and stupid I might add, I fell in love once in six minutes,” he said softly.
“Six minutes? That’s a joke, right?” I asked curiously.
He shook his head no. The air felt still.
“When I transferred to Mountain Ridge High, it was my first day. The bell already rang and I was late for class because I didn’t know where I was going. I ran into a girl in the hallway. She was absolutely beautiful. I thought she would offer to help me, but instead she just asked me if I was a football player.” He smirked as he said it. “I said no of course, I had just transferred there. And all she said was that I should be a football player, because then I could date the prettiest girl in school.”
“And then you did end up dating Jenny Sanders the next year,” I interjected. “So it turns out that was true. That was me in the hallway, smartass.”
“That six minutes had nothing to do with Jenny Sanders,” he said, still staring at my face.
“What do you mean?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.
“I knew in that six minutes I would never meet another girl like that. The monsoon type.”
“And then what happened?” I whispered back.
“Then I made it to my class and my teacher asked me why I was six minutes late. That’s how I remember the time. And I couldn’t speak. Nothing came out. So the teacher called me a smart alec and hated me for the rest of the year. And then I went on to play football of course, because I misunderstood the message.”
Steve smiled at me, and the lines around his mouth looked familiar and new all at the same time.
“How come you never asked me?” he whispered, keeping his eyes steady on mine.
“I never asked you what?”
“For a reason. That night, back in college - I know you remember everything about it. Everything changed between us. We both thought that was what we wanted, and that night… it was like we were one person. But then the next day, you just… you changed. And it broke me. You wanted to just be friends and I didn’t know how to go back to that after the way we connected that night.”
“Steve, that was a long time ago.”
“It doesn’t feel like that long ago. If I could go back to that night, I would’ve given you a reason. I would’ve given you a hundred reasons,” he said quietly.
I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but suddenly our lips found each other. I don’t even know if he moved, or if it was me, but his warm mouth was pressed up against mine. It lingered, and I couldn’t pull away. I reached up and touched his face, kissing him back slowly, unsure of why I had no control over the moment.
Steve slowly pulled his lips from mine, lingering just a fingertip away.
“Ask me,” he breathed.
I gently shook my head no.
He pulled back further, looking into my eyes. Though it was fairly dark around us, I could see the yellow flecks in his hazel-green eyes pleading with me for a response.
“I can’t,” I said, suddenly realizing I could move my limbs. I propped myself back up on my side, still staring at him. My eyes felt moist, but I hoped he didn’t notice. “What are we doing?”
“I don’t know, maybe having an honest conversation?” he said sincerely.
“Minutes ago I was just thinking about telling someone else how I feel,” I said, lost and confused and unsure of what was happening. My heart still wasn’t completely convinced of my feelings for Ben, but this moment sure wasn’t helping. “I’m not sure this is a good idea.”
“I just want you to ask me for a reason,” he repeated, gently moving a piece of hair away from my face.
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Because then this is real,” I blurted out. A warm tear slid down my cheek. “I don’t want to know.” I slid my head back down and nestled it on his chest. I wanted to blame the alcohol for my confusion, but the thing was, I had more clarity at the moment than I usually did while touching Steve. The truth of it was I did ask him once. I asked him why I was the one he chose to love. I asked him to give me a reason why I deserved him to pick me.
But he never even responded.
CHAPTER 18
The next morning I awoke with a shiver. The sunlight had just begun to shed its light over the mountain ridge and I smiled, thinking of Ben. I imagined he was watching the sunrise this morning as well.
I looked at the pile of blankets next to me, suddenly reminded of my night with Steve. Except that Steve wasn’t lying next to me. My eyes browsed the campsite area for signs of life, but no one else was out of their tent. I finally spotted Steve’s blonde messy hair and red sweatshirt sitting down on a tree stump out by the water. I realized he was smart enough to finally put on some clothes, but then I reprimanded myself for thinking about him shirtless already this early in the morning.
I put another sweatshirt on over what I was already wearing and slipped on my shoes. I quietly made my way down to the water to join him. I wasn’t sure what to even say to him, although my natural instinct was to get us back into the friend zone as if the night before never happened. Surely that kiss was just a drunken mistake, right? I wondered if he regretted any of it. After all, he had been drinking too. I certainly knew guys didn’t often mean what they said after a few drinks.
“You startled me,” he said, finally noticing I was right behind him. “What are you doing up so early?”
“I felt cold and alone,” I said with a shrug. “You know that’s not how I prefer to wake up.” I had a smile on my face as I spoke, and he smiled in return.
“Sorry, I couldn’t sleep last night,” he replied, looking down at the ground.
“You’ve been up this whole time?” I asked, wrapping my arms around my legs as I nestled into a spot on the tree stump next to him.
“I had a lot on my mind,” he said sincerely. He looked at me and I could tell by his eyes that his mind was racing. “I’m probably supposed to apologize for last night,” he said, running his hands through the sand beneath our legs.
“For what? For referencing Tony Danza this decade?” I teased, trying to keep the mood light. Humor was my instinctive way of deflecting serious conversations.
“But then the more I thought about it,” he continued, completely ignoring my change of subject, “I’m not sorry.” He stared back into my eyes, waiting for me to respond. “I’m not sorry for kissing you.”
I felt completely speechless in that moment. I leaned my head on his shoulder and looked out into the water. We sat like that, in complete silence, for quite awhile. The sun continued to rise and the birds sang their song. There was such a simplicity about the morning; everything was so calm and still. Yet somehow all I could feel was chaos, and Steve’s perfectly rhythmic heartbeat.
“Do you want to go for a run?” I finally asked. I figured it would be the perfect way to clear my head. Maybe we could instantly go back to the way things were, as if our footsteps on a trail around the lake could erase the heaviness of Steve’s words last night.
Steve nodded in agreement, helping me rise to my feet. As we walked back to the campsite, we tried to get around quietly so we
wouldn’t wake up anyone else. I walked around the back of Greyson’s truck and changed into some yoga pants and my running shoes.
We jogged for about an hour, and I was relieved that Steve understood my need for silence while we ran. Everyone was up by the time we got back, and our easy morning conversation helped me to feel like the world was returning to normal. Mallory and Greyson started cooking breakfast and Johnny sluggishly laid around moaning about his hangover.
“Did I really eat a charred frog last night?” Johnny asked with a grumble. “Where did you two sleep last night?” he asked towards Steve and me, realizing neither one of us made it into the tent last night.
“It would’ve been too crowded,” Steve responded, motioning towards the tent. “We just slept in the back of Greyson’s truck. It was a little cold, but we made it work.”
Mallory’s eyes made contact with mine and she raised her brows at me, suggesting we needed to talk. I slyly shook my head ‘no’ at her, indicating there was nothing to talk about. I wanted to avoid any discussions whatsoever about the night before. Our friends were always speculating that Steve and I had something going on, and it was tiring to convince them otherwise. I knew any part of last night wouldn’t help to quell their imaginations. And quite honestly, I had questions of my own that I didn’t want to face.
We all sat around together eating breakfast and laughing about our antics from the night before. It was these types of moments where I really treasured the bond I had with my friends. I felt youthful and carefree; the exact things I didn’t want to give up by changing the dynamics of the group. I watched Steve as he laughed and reminisced about old camping memories. Although he looked so happy, I could see his eyes change as they made contact with mine. He was smiling, but there was an obvious sadness about him too. I so badly wanted to fix him, but I knew that would only make matters worse.
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