“I’m not leaving.”
“Yes, you have to—”
James took her mouth with his in a desperate kiss, which she returned. He pulled back, his voice harsh. “He can’t have you. We belong together, you and I. Dammit, we belong.”
Shaking her head, unable to fight with him, Eirica ran sobbing for her tent.
James watched her go, his heart frozen, his soul shattered. How could this happen? He paced, needing to rid himself of some of the fury roaring beneath the surface.
As the night deepened, he vowed that Birk would not destroy their love or their chance at happiness. Once they reached Oregon, he’d look into divorce laws. If it took all his share of the money he had stashed for a new start, he’d find a way to free Eirica of her mean and sick-minded husband.
Late into the night, brooding before the fire, James heard Lara crying, followed by the baby. He didn’t hesitate to remove his boots and slip into the tent. Eirica started, a strangled scream in her throat.
“Shh, it’s just me. Give me the baby.”
He changed Summer while Eirica calmed Lara. Then he handed the infant to Eirica to nurse and garnered Lara in his arms, rocking her. Alison crawled over to him and he held her beside him. When both girls were back asleep, he covered them, then lay down behind Eirica, his arm draped around her waist. Summer lay in front of her, content until her next feeding.
Eirica leaned into him, her voice desperate in the dark. “What am I going to do, James?”
His lips moved across the back of her neck. “We’ll take it one day at a time, sweetheart, one day at a time. It’s all we can do.”
Lying there, his face buried in her hair, surrounded by her scent, he held the woman who’d become infinitely precious to him. Around them, the children made noise. Ian slept soundly as normal while Alison and Lara moved restlessly, moaning occasionally in their sleep.
Though at least two hours had passed, he knew from her breathing that Eirica was still awake. He doubted either of them would sleep. He took comfort in the cocoon of warmth even though it couldn’t dispel the chill in the recess of his heart. Everything had changed and he worried what the new day would bring.
James closed his eyes, desperately afraid he’d lose this woman. Though they were snuggled, a wide chasm separated them. His hold tightened and she pressed back into him. He felt the tremors run through her as she fought her own demons and vowed to do whatever it took to keep her and her children safe.
The next morning, Eirica rose, feeling stiff, sore and exhausted. She felt drained and wondered how she’d make it through the day. She’d spent the night fighting nightmares of the past and fears for the future. Even though James had held her throughout the long night, she hadn’t been able to sleep. Her world had been turned upside down and she wasn’t sure it would ever be right again. But she’d made one decision during the long night: she would not allow James to put himself at risk on her behalf. How could she live with herself if anything happened to him? Birk was out there, mean as ever. Any man who’d kidnap his own flesh and blood, his own daughter, and put her through this hell wouldn’t hesitate to kill a man he saw as a threat.
Long into the night, Eirica had lain awake, thinking and planning. When she arose, she knew what she had to do. She had to distance herself from the man she loved. But she knew James well enough to know she’d never be able to convince him of the danger to himself. He wouldn’t care.
He’d already started coffee brewing and when she joined him, he handed her a cup. “You okay?”
Eirica shook her head, feeling like she’d never be okay again. “James, you can’t be here, not anymore.”
As if he’d expected this from her, he stood abruptly, hot liquid sloshing over the edge of his cup to drip on his boots. “I’m not leaving you alone to face him. Don’t try to tell me it’s for my own good.”
He knew her well, Eirica thought. She went to her second plan. “You have no choice. I’m still a married woman.”
“So? You can divorce him. We’ll find a way, but we’re not going to let him drive us apart. I won’t leave you.”
This was the one time Eirica longed to lean on him, to allow him to shield her, protect her, but she couldn’t. He didn’t know Birk, didn’t know what he was capable of. This time, she had to be strong. She had to protect James.
“You said you’d listen to me, consider my wishes. Were you lying? I’m asking you to do this my way.”
James tossed his coffee to the ground. “That’s unfair. It’s one thing for me to ask if you need help with washing or if you want to take a walk, it’s another to ask me to walk out of your life and leave you vulnerable to that bastard.” He shoved both hands over his head. “I’m not leaving. I won’t let him waltz in and resume where he left off.”
Eirica straightened her shoulders. “Your being here isn’t what’s stopping him, James. It’s Wolf, your brothers, Lars. It’s everyone. He’s too much of a coward to face them all. He proved that last night when he took Lara. He could’ve kept her, or—or harmed her—but he didn’t, because his intent was simply to remind me that I’m still a married woman—his woman.”
“You’re not his woman.”
Eirica smiled sadly. “You’re right. I’m not. I won’t live like that ever again, but if he’s alive, then you and I can’t be together.”
James stalked around the fire, his heels churning up the dirt. “Hell, Eirica, there’s no one around who would even dare think badly of you, especially since everyone thought you were a widow.”
Standing up to James, fighting for his safety, was the hardest thing Eirica had ever done. She knew Birk would continue to watch her. If James wasn’t around her, it was less likely that her cowardly husband would go into a rage and possible hurt or kill him. As much anguish as it caused her to hurt James in this manner, she had to stick to her resolve.
“What everyone thought no longer matters. I’m not a widow, was never a widow. Has it occurred to you that I might care what others think? If you love me, James, you’ll do as I ask. You’ll stay away.”
“Are you asking me to forget that I love you, that you love me?” His voice rose with disbelief.
“No. I’m asking you to prove your love by doing as I ask.” Eirica prayed he’d leave, and fast, so that she wouldn’t break down in front of him. She wanted to shout, to scream at Birk, wherever he was, for what he was doing to her, to James, to her babies. She wanted to tell him she’d found happiness that not even he could destroy—but he could. If he killed James, she’d be devastated, and that was exactly the type of punishment Birk would deem fitting: kill the one person who meant the world to her.
James jammed his hat on his head and glared at her. “If that’s what you want, fine. But we’re not finished, Eirica, not by any means.” He stalked away, mounted his horse and tore through the camp.
She watched until he faded from sight. “No,” she said softly, “this isn’t what I want. I don’t want you to forget me or our love. I do love you, even if I’m not free to do so. But at least you’ll be safe. Please, Lord, keep him safe.”
With tears running down her cheeks, she started her tasks, relying on routine to guide her as she couldn’t think, couldn’t feel. Her movements were jerky, clumsy. Visions of her grand future withered and died, but nestled deep in the core of her soul, safe from harm, hid one small gem, her love for James, more precious than any gemstone and rarer than the finest metal. She’d do whatever she had to do to protect him.
When she saw Jessie coming toward her, concerned and with the same stubborn look on her face as her brother, Eirica knew the others had heard her and James arguing. Eirica shook her head and walked into her tent. No one, not even Jessie, could make her change her mind.
Travel resumed as usual. Jessie and Coralie each took up positions on either side of Eirica. Her wagon had been placed between Rook’s supply wagons. And if this morning, Rook had his rifle slung over his shoulder, no one made mention of it. Nor of the rifle Jessie
carried. And those who’d heard Eirica’s exchange with James that morning pretended not to have heard.
Eirica wasn’t willing to risk the lives of the others either, but she knew from the determination on their faces, they weren’t going to abandon her. Even Sofia and her family had taken positions around her. No words were spoken, but she understood and accepted their support for her children’s sake. She’d learned her lesson well the day she’d nearly lost Ian when he’d fallen from the wagon. She’d never risk them.
The day passed without incident, as did the following day and the next after that. The emigrants crossed Three Island Crossing without any problems. But the atmosphere around the wagon train was dampened by what had happened to Lara, and to Eirica and James as a result.
Everyone, including Eirica, knew James spent his nights guarding Eirica’s tent, arriving after she was in bed, gone before she rose. Eirica refused to talk about it to anyone. She’d closed herself off. Even Rook and Sofia’s daily arguing had stopped. It was as if everyone was walking around on tiptoes for fear of not knowing what to say or how to act.
Everyone worried over Eirica. Gone was the pretty and blossoming woman who’d emerged after Birk’s supposed drowning. Her easy smile and laughter had vanished along with the sparkle in her eyes. She kept to herself and with each passing day, her face thinned, and her eyes grew more haunted.
But it was little Lara who worried them most. She refused to let go of her mother except when Eirica had to feed the baby, then she’d let only Jessie or Rook take her. But she refused to talk, and she hadn’t said a word since James and Eirica had found her. She refused most of the food she was served.
Even Kerstin and her brothers failed to draw her out of the silent world she’d retreated to. She sat, sucking her thumb, regarding anyone who came near with wide-eyed terror. Even Rook and his offering of another toy carving, this time of a bird, couldn’t garner a reaction from her.
Nearly two weeks later, Sofia joined Eirica, bringing her a pot of tempting stew. “Let me take the bambino for a bit while you eat.”
“I’m not hungry, Sofia, but thank you.” Eirica sat on the ground beside a blanket where the baby lay kicking her tiny feet and waving her arms.
“Nonsense. Enough moping.” Sofia planted her hands on her ample hips. “What good are you to your children if you get sick? You’re not eating, and you’re not sleeping. You look like you’re going to collapse and out here, that’s the first step to dying.”
Eirica lifted red-rimmed eyes to her. Dark shadows marred the delicate skin beneath her eyes. “I can’t eat. I just feel so sick. Look at her.” Eirica dropped her voice, her gaze filled with tears as she glanced down at the sleeping child who lay across her lap.
Sofia cleared the emotion from her throat. Eirica didn’t need her sympathy. “Right now, it’s Lara’s mother I’m concerned with. If you don’t eat and snap out of it, neither will she. And the child has lost more weight than she can afford, as have you. You need to stay strong, for them, for your man, James.” Sofia’s heart went out to the young woman. She reached down and took the baby, who was awake and trying to play. Sofia cooed and got a gurgling smile in response.
“You have much to fight for, Eirica. You have your life and the life of your children, and your futures. And there is also a certain young man who’s hurting every bit as much as you are. True love stands the test of many hard trials. You are denying both of yourselves this chance to work and solve your problems together.”
“Having my husband alive is more than just a trial. I can’t let James risk his life. And he would, Sofia.” Her voice begged the woman to understand.
Sofia hardened her own heart. “Seems to me it’s a question of faith and trust. Why would our God give James to you then return you to that man who doesn’t deserve his family? And what about trust? By sending that young man of yours away, you’re telling him that you don’t trust him to make his own decisions. Weren’t you the one all fired up when he tried to tell you what to do? Think about it. Think about James and think about your children, especially Alison. That little girl doesn’t understand why her mama sent him away. The children need him as much as he needs all of you.”
With that, Sofia walked off.
Sitting quietly, Eirica thought about Sofia’s words. She pulled the rock James had given her from her pocket and rubbed her fingers over the smooth surface.
Trust yourself.
She closed her eyes, tried to gather the scattered pieces of her heart together. She had to be strong. She had to fight for what she wanted. Did she want James, happiness, love and laughter, enough to fight for it—with her life if need be?
She sat a bit straighter. “Yes, I do. I do,” she whispered. For the first time since discovering Birk was alive, she glanced at her children who sat silent and watchful, their eyes full of fear—fear she was conveying to them.
Sofia was right. It was time she proved to herself that she was strong, that for them, she’d fight for what was right. And James was right for them. They needed him. She needed him. They’d take it one day at a time—as he’d suggested—if it weren’t too late.
Standing, she served up bowlfuls of Sofia’s aromatic stew and drew Alison out of the tent. She even managed to coax some of the broth into Lara’s mouth. And all the while, she talked, trying to build back her family. She wouldn’t shut them out. They needed to learn by her example how to be strong and fight for what was right. When Alison’s features firmed, sharing her mother’s determination, Eirica felt like maybe everything would be all right.
Sofia returned to Rook who waited behind one of his wagons. She spoke softly to him. He grinned and nodded, then fetched a small pan of food, mounted his old nag and rode out to the cattle. When he found James, he called him over and dished him up a bowl filled with chunks of meat, noodles and spices, most of which he still had no idea what they were.
James shook his head. “I’ll eat later.”
Rook drew his bushy brows together. “The hell ya will. You’s starving yerself like the lass. What good will ya be ta her if ya falls sick?”
James turned away. “It’s over. Eirica doesn’t want me. She won’t even speak to me.”
Rook’s bushy brows rose. “And why do ya suppose that is?”
Scowling, James adjusted his hat. “’Cause she’s married!”
“And ta protect ya.”
James made a rude noise. “She’s the one who needs protecting.”
“Then why are ya way out here and not watching o’er that sweet woman and her children?”
James heaved a huge sigh. “I promised to listen to her, to do it her way.”
“Women, they’s funny creatures. If I’d listened to my Annabelle each time she spoke, we’s never would have had a life together. Most of the time, if I did as she said, I wound up in deeper trouble. Sometimes, ya has to ask yerself if that’s what they really wants. Or if that’s what they really need. Sometimes, a man has to do what’s right, no matter what his woman says.”
Mulling over Rook’s words, James took a bowl of chow without even being aware of it. “Still don’t help me none if she don’t want me around.” James frowned into the bowl, the. spoon halfway to his mouth. He dropped it once again unable to eat.
“Do ya love the lass?” Rook knew the answer would be yes. When James nodded, he stated, “And she still loves you. Seems a mighty funny way ta show it to the other, with ya here and her there.”
Noticing that James was suddenly not only eating but in deep thought, Rook rode away, pleased. He and Sofia sure made a good team these days.
By the time James finished the meal, he felt warmed, inside and out. Hope welled inside him. By golly, Eirica needed him, now more than ever, and he was a fool to have given in to her request. He hadn’t wanted to run roughshod over her, to force her into accepting his help, so he’d given in, trying to prove his love.
But she was wrong. The way to prove his love to her was to return to her side and stand by he
r through thick and thin. He had to convince her that they had to lay the foundation for their future by working together, starting now.
Tonight, he’d take up his usual watch. Tomorrow morning, they’d talk.
Chapter Seventeen
The next morning, James waited outside Eirica’s tent for her to emerge. He paced, firming in his mind his arguments and reasons why they had to stay together. Long into the night, he’d thought about Eirica and the situation. If anything happened to her because he’d stayed away, he’d live with the guilt forever. Rook was right. His place was here, and if his insistence on remaining angered her, then so be it. His mind was made up. Birk would have to go through him to get to Eirica.
James still had a hard time accepting that the man had survived. It was incredible. Normally James wasn’t vindictive and would never wish death on anyone, but not so with Birk. Any man who’d terrorize a sweet little child like Lara deserved to be strung up by his toes as his sister used to say of Coralie after their many altercations. Hell, the bastard deserved much worse. Eirica and her children had suffered more than enough at his hands. Keeping himself busy, he put on a pot of water to boil. By the time Eirica stepped out of her tent, he had two cups of cocoa waiting.
“Eirica,” he greeted, taking in her ragged appearance. She looked as worn around the edges as he felt.
“James.” Her voice trembled slightly and she stood there, staring at him as if uncertain of her reception.
He tossed his hat into the back of the wagon and held out his arms, eager to hold her close, yet afraid she’d refuse to talk to him. To his relief, she cried out and flew into his arms. James held her tightly, afraid to let her go. The children still slept, so it was just the two of them. Somehow, in the short amount of time he had before they woke, he had to convince her that together, they could stand up to Birk and win.
“God, I’ve missed you, sweetheart. Don’t send me away. Not ever again.” His heart sang. They could work this out. Somehow, their love would make it all right. “Let me stay and help you. Together we’ll take care of each other, and the children. Together, we’ll fight for our future, yours and mine and theirs.”
White Nights Page 24