We took the elevator up in silence. I was dreading this. If there was another safe place we could go, I would have been there. But we needed darkness for Shanti, and Nain had a special room for any vamps on the team. Ada’s shields and protective spells made the loft the safest place in the city. And I needed it. I just wasn’t capable of trying to figure anything else out just then.
We straggled out of the elevator when it stopped, and I stepped forward and knocked on the door. Then I hit the buzzer, and a few seconds later, Nain answered the door. His hair was tousled and he was dressed in low-slung pajama pants and nothing else. Muscles rippling every damn where. Shanti gawked at him, and I threw her a withering glare. She ducked her head, grinning a little, mouthed a “daaaaaamn” at me before looking away. Goofy in her near-unconscious state.
“Molls? What’s going on?” Nain said, looking me over, taking in the smudges, burnt clothing.
“Some asshole bombed my house,” I said, then I bit the inside of my lip, hard, to keep from crying or otherwise making an idiot of myself. He reached out and pulled me into the loft, and my team followed. He kept hold of my hand, looked at me more closely. “You’re okay?”
“We need a place to stay, just until I can figure something else out,” I said softly, embarrassed to be asking anything of my ex.
“I have room,” he said. “Shanti, your old room is still empty,” he told the vampire, and Shanti nodded and Levitt helped her upstairs. Then he looked at Heph “You and the demon can share your old room. E, you can probably bunk with Shanti, right?” He rubbed his hands over his face. Clearly we’d woken him up. And it was when he raised his hands that I saw the hematite band on his finger, the one I’d placed there when we’d bonded. The one I’d found in a pile of dust after he’d died. The one I’d held, clutched in my hand, in the weeks that followed, wishing I could join him.
All I could do was stare at it and try not to feel anything as Nether raged, battling me for control. She could sense when I was weak, and she got stronger when I was emotional. Seeing that ring was almost enough to make me lose it, for so many reasons.
My team dispersed, each going to their rooms. Nain walked me over to the kitchen, sat me on one of the stools. “Wait there a minute,” he said. Then he went to his room, came out with jeans, t-shirts, tossed them to Levitt, who was just coming out of Shanti’s room. Levitt thanked him and went into the room he and Heph were bunking in. Then Nain came back to me.
“What can you tell me?”
I shrugged. “Not much. My mom was on duty, watching me. I was in bed, talking to my mom, and then all of a sudden we heard glass breaking throughout the house and a fireball landed on my bed. They tossed them into a few of the windows. The place went up so damn fast…” I trailed off, shaking my head. “We barely got Shanti out in time. Levitt’s car was torched, so my whole team and the dogs drove over in mine.” I knew I was babbling. Couldn’t make myself stop.
“Where’s your mom now?”
“Searching the area.”
He nodded. “You want to get cleaned up?”
“Yeah.”
“You can bunk with me.”
I looked up at him, ready to argue.
“Just don’t, Molls. You’re ready to fall over and I bet Nether’s just fucking loving this.”
I nodded, let him steer me toward his room. He dug through his dresser drawers when we got there and handed me a t-shirt. I knew from experience that his shirts were huge enough on me to go down to my knees. I took it wordlessly and shut myself in his bathroom. I showered, scrubbed myself, hard, the stress of the fire just adding to the already insane state of my nerves. When I finally got out and pulled on Nain’s t-shirt, I could see the sun was up, the sky bright in the east. I stepped out into the bedroom. Nain was sitting up, on his side of the bed. Reading. I knew, from the weeks I’d spent in his room after he died, that he liked science fiction, which had never really been my thing. And then I thought about how many changes he’d seen in his three hundred years, realized that compared to his reality science fiction was probably pretty tame.
I climbed into my side of the bed (just like old times, which I was trying not to think about. It was ridiculous how easy we seemed to slip into our old routines) and settled myself under the covers wordlessly. I took a deep breath, smelled the familiar warm, cinnamon and sunshine scent of my former husband surrounding me. Remembered how it comforted me, how it had broken my heart after I’d lost him.
I was not supposed to be feeling anything. Right.
I lay on my side, facing him. Glanced at his hand. The ring was still there. I reached out and touched it, gently, and he stilled.
“Why are you wearing that?” I asked him, pulling my hand back.
“Why were you still wearing yours the day you died?” he asked, his version of an answer.
I watched him. He wasn’t looking at me. “You found it?”
He nodded. “I was the first one to reach what was left of you. It was there in the dust.”
“Oh, shit,” I said, realization striking me. He looked at me then.
“What?”
“You had to mourn me,” I said. He looked away again.
“You went through it too. And it wasn’t as bad as the first time. Brennan knew you were still alive.”
“I’m glad. I was distracted this last time by all the getting murdered and stuff like that. And I was unconscious or dead a lot of the time.”
He didn’t answer.
“So why are you wearing it all of a sudden?”
“It’s not all of a sudden. I’ve been wearing it since I found it after I got back. I take it off when I know I’m going to see you.” He paused, glanced at me. “I’m surprised Brennan or Shanti didn’t tell you that.”
“Why did you hide it from me?” I was getting sleepy again, too much going on. My eyelids started to feel heavy.
“Because I know you. And I know that now that you’ve seen this,” he said, holding up his hand, “you’re going to be overthinking it and second-guessing things and focusing on shit you have no time to worry about. I’m wearing it because it still means something to me. And I’m wearing it to remind myself that there’s something worthwhile in me, if I managed to bond with someone like you.”
I didn’t know what to say. Looked for something logical instead. “I wonder why they didn’t get destroyed along with our bodies.”
“Ada thinks it was because there was some kind of magic involved when we exchanged them. Like they became indestructible because we promised forever. Some shit like that.”
I laid there watching him, smelling him. Feeling his emotions wash over me, and one, alongside his ever-present rage, was stronger than all the others. “How can you still love me?” I asked him quietly, the words coming out before I could second-guess saying them. He’d died for me, been imprisoned in the Nether because of who he was to me. He’d made it home to find that he’d been replaced, that I’d moved on and he hadn’t.
He glanced at me, and his sapphire gaze met mine. “Because you’re worth loving. Because you’re the one person in my entire existence that I care about more than I care about myself. Because we’re not done. Whatever is between us, it’s forever. I said it before and I meant it.” He paused, looked away from me. “Once upon a time I would have been pressuring you, ignoring every argument you threw at me. I would have goddamn made you see that you belong to me. But we’ve both been through shit and I hurt you and maybe I’m not the same either.”
“We’re a mess,” I said, shaking my head.
“We always have been. Doesn’t make it bad.”
“I’m so tired of everything,” I said, voicing the one thing I’d never been able to say to anyone. I both loved and hated the fact that I could say things like that to him, that I could let him see the weaknesses in me. When it came down to it, the demon beside me knew more about me than anyone in existence. He’d been in my mind, he’d shared my blood. He’d felt my emotions and heard my thoughts.
He knew my past, my nightmares in a way no other being ever would. There was no hiding from him. “I can’t do it anymore.”
He put his book down and lay on his side, facing me. He put his hand on my waist, studied my face. “You can do it because you’re fucking unbreakable. But you’re tired and you’re pissed off and everything’s a mess. You’re scared. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you get your sexy little ass up tomorrow morning and go out and fight again. Giving up isn’t an option.”
“I know,” I said.
“You’re not alone,” he said, voice rumbling, low. Comforting.
“Thanks.”
He was silent a while. And I felt a different emotion taking over, helped along, no doubt, by the two of us being in bed together. “Well, if you feel the need to repay my kindness, I can think of a few things you could do for me.” He opened his mind for just a second, sharing his idea with me.
I rolled my eyes, punched him in the stomach, not exactly holding back. He let out a grunt and ended up laughing.
“You know how much it turns me on when you hurt me, baby,” he taunted.
I couldn’t help it. I laughed. “Fuck off, Nain,” I said, rolling over, facing away from him. He laughed behind me, gave my waist a squeeze before he pulled his hand away. Damn distracting demon. I smiled as I closed my eyes and drifted off, finally giving in to the exhaustion that had set in once we’d reached the loft, knowing he’d make sure Nether didn’t make an appearance.
Chapter Eleven
I was relieved when I woke up to find that just about everyone seemed to be out. I got up, dressed, and stepped out of Nain’s room. The only presence I felt was Nain and he was locked away in his office.
I went into the kitchen and clicked on the radio on the counter. As always, it was set to the oldies station because Nain liked it. I started searching through the cabinets for the coffee; it wasn’t where it always used to be and for some reason that annoyed the hell out of me. I finally found it and measured out the coffee as Elvis’s “Suspicious Minds” started playing. I listened, humming along as I poured the water into the coffee maker. I turned it on, knowing it would feel like an eternity for it to brew. I started looking through the cabinets to see if my favorite mug was still there. It was, but it was pushed to the back of the shelf, forgotten.
I kept humming as I carried the cup to the counter. I leaned against the counter and waited, letting my mind wander. Elvis hit the bridge and I couldn’t help singing along. It was my favorite part of the song.
“Oh, just let our love survive.
I’ll dry the tears from your eyes.
Let’s don’t let a good thing die.
You know I would never
lie to you.
(Oh what a bunch of fucking bullshit)” I intoned, still singing,
“Yeah, yeah….”
I felt a healthy dose of humor behind me, turned to see Nain standing in his office door, which was just off of the kitchen. He was leaning against the door jamb, arms crossed over his chest, watching me. A rare hint of a smile was on his lips and it made my stomach twist, just a little.
“Shit,” I muttered and he laughed. “How long were you standing there?”
“Long enough to hear your ad-lib on the bridge. I liked it.”
I rolled my eyes, grabbed a cup out of the cabinet and poured a cup for him as I filled mine. He came up behind me, closer than he needed to be, and grabbed his cup off of the counter.
“Thanks,” he said quietly as he reached past me. All I could do was nod. “Were you aware that you were swaying your hips side to side just a little while you sang that?”
“I was not,” I said, my face burning.
“You were. Feel free to do that again for me anytime.”
I could barely breathe. He was still behind me.
“Did you sleep okay?” he asked. I nodded.
“You?”
“I dozed off for a few minutes. It was crazy waking up next to you again.” He stayed where he was, close behind me. He wanted to touch me. I could sense it from him. Desire, need. And it only grew the longer we stood there, until I felt like I’d be buried by it.
“Where is everyone?” I asked, mostly for something to say. He backed off a little then, leaning against the countertop behind him.
“Your team was going to meet with the Furies over in Hamtramck. They said they were supposed to be checking out for signs of Strife there.”
I nodded.
“Ada and Stone went out to breakfast. Artemis is hunting. Brennan took off early this morning. Not sure where he went. Don’t really care, either.”
I looked up at him, my body still doing all kinds of crazy shit from having him that close to me, especially after the discussion we’d had the night before. “We’ll be out of here as soon as I can figure something else out. I know it’s crazy crowded now. And awkward.”
“I don’t give a shit if it’s awkward. You don’t have to go anywhere. This is your home too.”
It was actually true. I hadn’t known, but he’d put my name on the deed, signed everything he owned over to me shortly after we’d met. I didn’t know that until after he’d died. Once I started working again, I’d taken his office as my base of operations. All of the paperwork was in a file in the top desk drawer. I just remembered spending that entire day in tears after finding it.
“We’re not married anymore,” I reminded him.
“So?” He stepped forward, leaned down closer to me, and I couldn’t help looking at his mouth, remembering the way it felt to have his lips on mine. “All it takes is a word, one moment of your blood mixing with mine, and that whole ‘not being married’ thing could end.”
“You said you weren’t going to pressure me,” I reminded him.
“No. I said I hadn’t been pressuring you. But I woke up next to you this morning and I want to do it again. I want that, every morning for the rest of my life.”
I looked away from him.
“And you want it too,” he said quietly.
“Who says I want it?” I asked, looking up at him and raising my eyebrow.
“Please, woman. We didn’t have long together, but I can read you like a book.”
I just glared up at him.
“I’m not a patient man, Molly. Right now, I’m pretty much at my limit.”
My heart was pounding. How could he still make me feel this way after everything we’d been through, after all that had happened since that night I’d destroyed him? How could he make me feel something, anything, when I was sure it was impossible to open myself up that way again?
I put my hand on his chest, moved to push him away from me, when he covered my hand with his, held it there. I looked up, met his eyes, and he held my gaze for several long moments, need, hunger, anger washing over me in waves. Then he released me and stepped back and away without another word. He grabbed his car keys off of the entry table and walked out, closing the loft door behind him.
“Christ,” I muttered, letting out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.
I could have used another shower. A cold one. Instead, I downed another cup of coffee, grabbed the spare key off of the hook near the door, and headed out. My imps trailed me. I had a lead on a lost girl, and I needed to hit something.
When I got back, I was a mess again. I jumped into the shower and let the grime wash off of me. I’d crawled through a filthy crawlspace looking for a little girl. I found her, alive, and brought her home.
Worth every claustrophobic moment.
I was stepping out of my room when I heard the door open, felt Nain before I saw him. I watched as he hefted two large plastic storage bins, one stacked on top of the other, and carried them into the loft. He glanced at me, then set them down on the dining room floor.
“What’s that?” I asked. I looked him over. He was filthy, clothing and hands smudged with something dark.
“Take a look.”
I walked over and lifted the lid off of the to
p bin. My heart stopped.
Stuff from my house; dirty, smoke-smudged, but whole. I spotted a few of my McCoy planters from the bedroom, some of the jadeite dinnerware I’d collected. And that was just what I could see from the top.
I looked up at him, didn’t know what to say.
“I know how you liked all of this shit,” he said, shrugging. He looked away, almost seeming embarrassed. “This was all I could grab in one trip.”
“Are you kidding? This is….” I shook my head, looked through the bin again. “I know it’s stupid. It’s just stuff, right?”
“It’s stuff that’s yours. Stuff you worked for and made into a place you loved. I’m sorry about your house, baby.”
I was stepping toward him before I realized what I was doing, and when I reached him he pulled me into his arms as if it was the most natural thing in the world, held me tightly as I let myself cry over my house and all of the insanity of the night before. Over the craziness in my life and my fear of Nain and everything he meant. I put my arms around his waist, rested my forehead against his chest as I calmed down.
“You never used to cry,” he said, running his hands through my hair.
“Sure I did. I just never let anyone see it.”
He held me tighter, and we stood there, neither one of us moving. Neither one of us wanting to. And I knew it was wrong. I knew I should be running as far and as fast away from him as I possibly could. I knew he could destroy me in a way no one else ever could; that he’d done it before and if he thought it would save me, he’d do it again without a second thought. I knew he was brutal and ruthless and crude.
I knew he loved me, and that was the most frightening thing of all.
I made myself release him, pushed myself out of his arms, and he let me go. I glanced down at his hand, and he was still wearing the ring. No point in hiding it from me anymore, I guess.
“Is it true you and Eunomia messed around?” I asked him.
Strife: Hidden Book Four Page 13