‘Ah, you got a good one.’ Pam’s amusement made Jake feel even more useless. ‘Let me guess: you’re hiding out in your office right now so you don’t get under her feet.’
Man, you’re good, Jake smiled. ‘Maybe.’
‘I’ll take that as an affirmative. You did the same on my first day at your practice, remember?’
Oh no, I really am that predictable, aren’t I? Jake was aware of his blush even though Pam couldn’t see it. ‘I’d forgotten,’ he lied, laughing at his own failings.
‘It’s a natural reaction. Now, quit hiding and go act like the employer.’
‘I’m not sure how to.’
Pam laughed. ‘You’ll figure it out. Go!’
Jake ended the call, stared at the office door and prepared to walk out. He had just taken hold of the handle when it jerked downwards, pushing him back as the door flew open.
Desiree shrieked and clamped a hand to her heart. ‘Are you trying to give me a heart attack?’
‘I’m sorry, I was just …’
She rested against Jake’s desk, breathing heavily. ‘It’s OK. I didn’t see you. I’m looking for the new patient files. I believe they arrived yesterday?’
‘Sure, I put them under the reception desk this morning.’
‘Oh.’ She stared at him. ‘Well, I didn’t know.’
‘I didn’t get a chance to tell you. But they’re there, I assure you.’ He took a breath and remembered Pam’s advice. ‘Why don’t you sit down?’
Desiree frowned. ‘What did I do?’
‘You haven’t done anything – apart from be too adept at your job already. Please – you haven’t had a break since you arrived today.’
Still suspicious, Desiree sat on the new consulting couch, her long painted nails digging into the edges of the cushion as if tethering her in the wake of an oncoming storm. ‘So, I’m sitting.’
‘Good.’ Jake tried to think of what to say that might make him sound suitably in charge, but quickly gave up. ‘I just wanted to thank you. You’ve been incredible since you arrived and I appreciate everything you’re doing.’
Desiree observed him carefully. ‘But …?’
‘No buts. You’re great.’
‘So, why the chat?’
‘Uh – to thank you?’ This wasn’t how Jake had intended the conversation to go.
‘Oh.’
‘O-K, then. So …’
‘Can I say something?’
‘Sure, go ahead.’
His PA’s expression softened a little. ‘You have a lot on your mind, don’t you?’
‘Do I?’ Jake was suddenly on edge. Where was this heading? ‘I guess in my line of work that’s an occupational hazard.’
‘That’s not what I mean. You’ve been preoccupied for a while. I’ve seen it: you do and say the right things, but your head’s somewhere else.’
‘I’m setting up my practice, Desiree, there’s a lot to think of.’
‘It’s more than that. Forgive me; I just have a sense for these things. Can I ask, are you thinking about your divorce?’
The question hit Jake like a freight train. ‘I – um …’
‘It’s OK if you are. I mean, it’s huge. You’re dealing with a death, after all. Death of dreams; death of a relationship. Difference is that when someone we love dies they usually don’t hire a lawyer to take half your house.’
It sounded like something he would say to his clients, but Desiree’s forthrightness hit closer to home than Jake was comfortable with. His feelings for Jessica were too raw to be picked over so keenly, especially by his employee. Stuffing his feelings behind his smile, he rebuffed her assertion. ‘I appreciate what you’re saying, but I’m fine. If my head’s been somewhere else it’s not because I’m missing my ex, OK?’
‘OK, whatever you say, boss.’ She stood up. ‘Am I good to go now?’
‘Sure.’ Feeling like his mother had just reprimanded him, Jake motioned for her to leave.
Desiree paused in the doorway, and turned back. ‘Why don’t you take a break, huh? I think you’re ready for one and I’ve got everything covered here.’
‘I can’t just leave you to do all the work,’ he protested, but Desiree was having none of it.
‘Then go buy lunch for us. I have a lot to do and, frankly, you’re getting in the way.’
Jake conceded defeat. Desiree had the spirit of Pam all right: eminently capable, bossy and, frustratingly, always right. Besides, it would be good to get out of the office for a while to escape the never-ending list of things to do and the muddle of emotions waiting in the wings.
Yellow cabs buzzed in and out of the lanes on Broadway like an army of irascible bees when Jake emerged onto the sidewalk. Horns blared and the rumble of Manhattan seemed to come from somewhere deep beneath his feet, reverberating up through the streets and buildings and up towards the sky. The busyness of the city had always calmed Jake before he moved to the other side of America: now, it was a characteristic he was acutely aware of. Some aspects of New York life he had been able to settle back into like the old leather sofa at his brother’s workplace, but some were taking time to reacclimatise to. It was natural to experience this, Jake reminded himself. After all, it had taken a good twelve months for him to get used to the laid-back nature of the West Coast. He had walked around San Francisco feeling like an uptight alien, frustrated by the unending positivity and relaxed nature of everyone around him. But pretty soon he had begun to make friends there and learned that West Coast residents worked and played as hard as their East Coast compatriots, only in their own way. After all, with the ocean on your doorstep, no day was too much to bear. Meetings took place on yachts or in summer houses on the Pacific coast; business deals were signed over great seafood overlooking the Bay; you could even meet your stock trader on the golf course with blue waves crashing on the nearby cliffs. New York by comparison was one great conurbation of stress.
And yet, Jake adored New York. Its ornery cantankerousness made it fun to love – like a tiny niece or nephew that disliked being hugged. You loved it and you embraced it, even though it seemed to hate your regard.
He crossed Broadway and wandered down one of the side streets, the smell of roasted meat drawing him away from the city artery. Passing several delis and restaurants, he was drawn to an A-board on the street decorated with front covers of classic books.
Spend your lunch break with the greats! – the sign invited him. Jake smiled. Back in San Francisco one of his favourite Sunday morning activities was wandering down to the quirky second-hand bookstore a block from his home. They served great coffee and encouraged their customers to browse the shelves while they enjoyed their morning caffeine hit. He missed the thoughtless ease of it and was keen to see if the bookshops in Manhattan were as wonderful as he remembered.
His eyes took a few moments to grow accustomed to the dim lights inside, but soon he saw wooden shelves filled with books and smelled the familiar scent of dust and printers’ ink. Instantly, he felt at home. He moved further into the shop and saw that a large table had been set up in the middle of the bookcases, where several workers from the nearby offices were huddled over piles of books as they ate their lunch. Maybe he would join them from now on, he mused. It could be the beginning of a whole new tradition in his workday. He liked that. Possibility was definitely what he should be thinking about. He had given far too much headspace to everything he had lost.
He picked up a faded paperback copy of Ernest Hemingway’s To Have and Have Not and was flicking through it when something caught his eye. At the back of the shop a woman was unpacking a box of books, her shoulder-length auburn hair catching the light from the halogen spots above the counter. Jake froze.
It couldn’t be … could it?
Had Bea mentioned she worked in a bookstore? He tried to remember, but the details were sketchy in his mind. Then the realist in him kicked into action. What were the chances that the woman he had met once before in another neighbourhood would be
working one street away from his workplace? It was a classic case of transference: he was projecting an imagined scenario onto a real-life situation.
But then, what if it actually was her?
Unlike everyone else at the party, Bea hadn’t flinched when he’d mentioned Jessica; she hadn’t judged him, merely shared her own bad experience and her determination to move on. Jake wanted to move on, too. If this was where she worked he could have an ally right across the street from his new practice. It would be good to know he had a friend on hand to cheer him onwards.
Grasping the book, Jake made his way towards the counter. A man stepped from the other side of the bookcases, blocking his way. In the limited space between the shelves, Jake was forced to perform an awkward do-si-do dance with him to allow both of them to travel in their intended directions. Unexpected obstacle overcome, he took the final few steps …
And then, she turned.
‘Hi. Can I help you?’
It’s not her. Everything within Jake sank as the woman-who-wasn’t-Bea smiled. Embarrassed, annoyed at himself for believing in an impossible situation, and with no other option but to buy the book he held, Jake managed a weak smile in return.
‘Just this, please.’
‘Sure.’ She picked up the book. ‘Great book. My favourite of his, I think.’ She pulled a brown paper bag from underneath the counter and put the book inside. Handing it back to Jake, she said, ‘Did you find everything you were looking for today?’
Mortification growing, Jake nodded and handed over a ten-dollar note, grasping the bag and heading out of the bookstore before the woman could give him his change.
Outside, he let out a groan, raising his eyes to the Manhattan sky.
What’s wrong with me?
He had to put thoughts like this out of his mind and focus on what was important. Even Desiree, who had known him for exactly one week, had noticed his distractedness. If he was ever going to have a professional relationship with his new PA, he had to get himself back in the game.
Remembering the errand he was meant to be running, Jake walked back towards Broadway, stepping into a small deli to order sandwiches and coffee. As he waited in line with the disgruntled conversations of waiting customers mingling with the hiss of the espresso machine, he tried to gain a rational hold on his wayward thoughts. The only way to get past this mind block was to confront it. Bea had come to the party with her brother, that much he remembered. As he didn’t remember seeing a Bea on the guest list when he was sending invitations, she had to be a ‘plus-one’ of one of the invited guests. And, as Rosie and Ed had prepared the invitation list, they had to know which one of their male guests might have invited his sister to the party.
The queue ahead of him was moving slowly, so he took the opportunity to make a call.
‘Jake-e-e-y! How ya doin’?’
‘I’m good, bro. Listen, I need to pick your brains on something. You free for a drink after work?’
Ed’s chuckle made Jake smile. ‘Always for you. Harry’s at six?’
‘It’s a date.’
Ending the call, Jake knew the die had been cast. One way or another, he would have an answer this evening …
Harry’s Bar was quiet when Jake entered later that day. The after-work crowd had left and it was too early for the evening drinkers who usually filled the place. With no sign of Ed, Jake took a seat by the bar and ordered a bourbon and water. All afternoon he had debated whether this was the right course of action to take. Would Ed laugh at him? Could it open a Pandora’s box he wasn’t ready to deal with? On the other hand, if it settled the matter once and for all, surely it was worth it?
A sharp slap on his back heralded his brother’s arrival and Ed swung onto the bar stool next to him.
‘I’ll have a beer, thanks,’ he told the barman, ‘and – wow – whatever my bro’s having.’
‘Same again,’ Jake confirmed, sliding his glass forward.
‘The hard stuff already? Man, your day must’ve been worse than mine.’ Ed’s smile softened his concern. ‘Is the bourbon anti-Jess medication?’
‘No. Nothing like that.’
‘So – the papers?’
‘I haven’t signed them yet. But I will.’
‘OK. So what gives?’
Jake could feel the rich spirit warming his stomach, wondering too late whether he should have eaten before he started drinking bourbon. ‘I have a problem I need help with.’
‘Hey, shouldn’t I be saying that to you, Dr Steinmann?’
‘You’d think. This is a subject I believe you are better qualified to answer, Eddie.’
Ed swigged his beer and grinned. ‘Ah. So it’s a dating question.’
Jake resisted the urge to cringe. He might have been thinking of Bea for the last couple of weeks but it wasn’t anything more than curiosity. It was certainly not a dating opportunity. ‘No. At least, not in the way you mean.’
‘You’re not making this easy. You wanted to talk to me, remember?’
‘You’re right: I did.’
‘So – talk.’
‘At the engagement party, I met someone … OK, now you can stop with that face immediately. We talked and, I dunno, I thought we made a connection. As potential friends, Edward. I’m done with relationships. The thing is, I don’t know who she was.’
‘Did she mention her name?’
‘Bea. She said her name was Bea.’
Ed frowned. ‘I don’t recognise it. But then I’m bad with names, you know that.’
‘Sure.’
‘Any more information?’
Jake sighed, already feeling this conversation was doomed to failure. ‘Not much. She had red hair, sea green eyes, loved New York – which I liked, obviously. She was originally from the UK. Oh, and she said she worked in a bookstore, only I can’t tell if she actually said that or if my mind added it. She wasn’t on the guest list, but she said her brother had invited her.’
‘OK. So we need to figure out who brought their English sister …’ Ed thought for a moment. ‘No one comes to mind, but don’t panic. Rosie knows more of the people we invited than I do. Do you mind if I ask her?’
‘Not at all.’
‘Leave it with me.’ Ed smiled at his brother. ‘I gotta tell ya, bro, I’m proud of you.’
‘For what?’
‘For getting back out there so soon after Jess. You don’t need to sit waiting for her to hurt you any more. It’s good to get back in the game.’
Jake finished his drink and refused the barman’s offer of another. ‘I don’t want to find this woman for a date. I just think we could be friends. And it would be good to meet new people who only know me right now – no Jess, no life in NY before her.’ He meant every word: the thought of being able to start a friendship with a clean sheet was very appealing. It would grant him much needed respite from the heartache of his impending divorce. He deserved that. ‘My life has changed, and I’m changing with it. I just think if I’m going to figure out who Jake Steinmann is now, it would be good to talk with somebody who can say what they see. Know what I mean?’
‘Kinda. But I’m curious: why are you not considering dating her? She sounds like a beautiful woman, who was obviously interested in you. Seems to me like a heck of an opportunity to pass up, Jake.’
Jake thought back to the party and the pact he had made with Bea. ‘She doesn’t want a relationship,’ he said.
‘What? How do you know?’
‘I know because that’s what we spoke about: how much we hate relationships. She’d just come out of a long relationship and she said she was done with them.’
Ed dropped his head into his hands. ‘Oh man …’
‘I agreed with her. Jess has ripped my world apart – and for what? So she can have her own way and discard me in the process. I don’t want to go through something like that again.’
‘Bro, it was her choice. You couldn’t change that if you tried …’
‘I know that. Point is, I t
hought my relationship was strong, that I was successful as a husband. Turns out I was wrong. Sure, it was her decision, but if I couldn’t see it coming – and I honestly never saw it coming – then what’s to say I wouldn’t get it wrong again?’
The barman brought Ed another bottle of beer, which he started drinking. ‘I think you’re missing the point here. A divorce isn’t a reason to give up entirely. It’s just one closed door. How do you know this woman couldn’t be the love of your life, huh? Exactly. You don’t know.’
Jake began to think he might be losing the advantage. Changing tack, he appealed to his brother’s better nature. ‘Thing is, I liked talking to her. She made me laugh, bro, and you know how long it’s been since anybody did that.’
‘Hey, if that’s what you want then I’m happy to help. Besides, it will be good to think of something other than wedding preparations …’ Ed pulled a face. ‘I swear, Rosie’s a saint for dealing with the crazy people we seem to have invited to our wedding. They’re driving me insane. It’s gotten so bad that she’s banned me from talking to them when they call.’
‘Thanks. I appreciate it.’
‘I know you do. Leave it with me and I promise Rosie and I will figure out who this woman is.’
Arriving back at his Williamsburg apartment, Jake felt calmer than he had since the party. Of course, Rosie and Ed might draw a blank; but at least wheels were in motion. Walking from the kitchen with a large glass of water, Jake’s gaze fell on the brown envelope on his dining table. It had been a constant reminder of everything he had lost and suddenly he wanted it out of his sight. Grabbing a pen, he sat at the table, pulled out the legal papers and signed them. From now on, his life was about moving forward, not looking back. This was a necessary part of the journey, which needed to be dealt with. Whatever happened next in his life, the experience of the last few weeks had taught him that he needed to live for now, not in perpetual limbo anticipating what might never be.
‘There, Jess,’ he said to the divorce papers. ‘That’s what you wanted. Now let me get on with my life.’
His pulse was racing as he replaced the document in its envelope and sealed it. He would send it first thing tomorrow morning. Feeling a little shaky from his brave act – and the inevitable tearing it caused in his heart – he picked up his glass, switched off the light and made his way to bed.
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