by E. L. Todd
“A veggie pizza for us to split.”
“You hate veggie pizza.”
He shrugged. “Pepperoni and sausage is too greasy anyway. So, how are you?”
Vic and I were so close that I wanted to come clean about my secret. But telling him the truth would only make things complicated. He would tell Neil, and Neil would be stressed for the next three years. It would ruin all of his plans for the future. The more I thought about my predicament, the more it seemed like not telling Neil was the best option. He didn’t want to be a father, and I didn’t want a father for my baby who didn’t want to be there. It was just easier that way. And when my child was old enough to know the truth, I would tell them. “I’m okay. I just miss him…” Emotion caught in my throat at the words. I still wore his t-shirt to bed, never took off the necklace he gave me. A part of me hoped he would still walk through the front door and kiss me like everything was fine between us. I hadn’t thought I could fall in love so deeply after Cameron, but I somehow loved Neil even more.
“Yeah…I miss him too.” He looked down at his iced tea and took a drink.
“Have you heard anything from NASA?”
He shook his head. “But Neil said no news is good news.”
“Yeah, that’s true. How’s work?”
He shrugged. “Just a bunch of bullshit.”
“I don’t think suing people is bullshit.”
“Oh, trust me, that’s all it is.” He took another drink then leaned back when the pizza was brought to the table. He handed me a plate then picked up a slice. “How’s the lab?”
“Eh, just a bunch of bullshit.”
He chuckled. “Then you know the feeling.”
“Actually…Kyle came over a couple of nights ago.”
“He did?” he asked. “Wow, didn’t waste any time, did he?”
“He saw Neil on the news and wanted to check on me.”
“Does that mean you’re friends again?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“That’s good. Stacy misses him. I miss the guy too.”
I’d missed him more than anyone else.
“It was nice of him to check on you. We all know how hard this has been.”
“Yeah…I’m not sure why I fall in love with the wrong guys.”
He took a few bites as he watched me. “Cameron was the wrong guy. Not sure if Neil falls into that category.”
“He’s a man I’ll never have, so yes, I think he does. You were right, Vic. I should have stayed away from him.”
He kept eating, clearly unsure what else to say.
“I don’t regret our time together. He’s an amazing man, and I consider myself lucky to have enjoyed him for so long. But it’s made losing him that much harder. We were so happy together. It was easy to picture what it would be like to be married to him. So maybe it’s good that he left and he’ll be gone for so long. It’ll allow me to move on.”
“Yeah…that’s a good point.”
I was tired of talking about Neil. It was bringing me down. “How’s Victor?”
“A shit machine,” he blurted. “He goes through diapers like paper towels.”
I chuckled.
“But he’s so damn cute. It’s amazing to have a son. I was a little terrified of having a kid, but when I first held him…it wasn’t scary anymore. I knew I just had to do everything I could to give him a good life and I’d be fine.”
“He’s really adorable.” I wondered if I had a son, if he would look just like Neil. Victor looked so much like his father that it was crazy. If the same thing happened to my kid, I might be in trouble.
“I know. Now, I want a daughter. I want a little girl who looks like Stacy…except she’ll attract all the boys, and I’ll have to shoot them.”
“You’re a lawyer. You know shooting people is bad.”
“And I know exactly how to sway a jury, so I’ll be fine.”
I couldn’t tell if he was joking.
“Want to come over for dinner tonight?” Vic asked.
I’d love to spend time with them, but since it was a magical time with their baby, I wanted to keep my distance. “I have plans with Kyle tonight, but thanks for the invite.” I didn’t have plans with Kyle, but if I really was going to say he was the father of my baby, I had to plant seeds somewhere.
“Alright. But you’ll have to come over soon. We miss you.”
“I know,” I said with a smile. “I miss you guys too.”
When I was home, I spent my time Googling the Mars mission to see if there were any public updates. The only information I could find was that they’d passed the moon and were on their way farther into the solar system. Neil had already gone farther than any man had gone before.
That was an accomplishment in itself.
He wasn’t mine anymore, but I was still proud.
Kyle texted me. I’m on your doorstep.
Why?
I brought dinner.
That seemed a bit presumptuous. Neil hadn’t been gone long, and I would need a large amount of time to get used to his absence. Kyle was probably thrilled he had a chance with me no matter what happened, but I wasn’t interested in rushing into things. Neil wasn’t here anymore, but I was still in love with him, so being with someone else felt wrong.
I opened the door, visibly annoyed. “Kyle, I’m not ready for you just to barge in here and take over. Neil hasn’t been gone long, and it’s gonna be a while—”
“Char. I’m only here as a friend. I promise.” He held up a brown paper bag full of takeout, and the sincere look on his face seemed genuine. “You’re going through a hard time, and I want to help you. The only selfish interest I have is getting to spend time with you. I used to see you at work all the time, and now I don’t even have that. I just miss you.”
I dropped the bad attitude.
He invited himself inside and set the takeout on the counter. “I’ll make a deal with you, alright?” He pulled out the plastic containers, showing the Italian food he’d picked up. “I’ll never try to make anything happen until you explicitly tell me you want it.”
That would give me all the control, let me decide if and when I was ready.
He grabbed two forks from the drawer. “So, I was thinking you could make an appointment with the doctor. I did some research and found an awesome obstetrician in downtown Houston. I could call if you want.”
I hadn’t gone to the doctor yet, but I knew I should. This was really happening, and I needed to start preparing. “If you give me the name, I’ll call.”
“Alright.” He carried the food to the dining table and sat across from me. “How was your day?”
“Vic took me out to lunch.”
“That was nice of him.”
“Yeah, I can tell he’s worried about me.”
“He’s a good guy. I’ve always liked him.”
“Me too. Stacy is really lucky.” She had a husband who was loyal. He was so handsome that it seemed like he might cheat all the time because he could get pussy whenever he wanted, but he was an honest and faithful man.
“So, is Memorial hiring?”
“You’re joking, right?”
“No. I miss seeing you at work every day. The chick who replaced you is so boring that I would prefer her absence.”
“We didn’t talk that much anyway.”
“What are you talking about? We made jokes all the time. And just having you there was nice, you know?”
It was a sweet thing to say. “I miss working with you too.”
“So, are you hiring?”
“You would really leave?”
“It’s the same number of hours but with better pay. Why wouldn’t I?”
“I guess it would be nice to see you all the time.”
“Let’s make it happen.” He dug into his lasagna, scarfing down his food just the way he used to. “So…have you thought about what we talked about?”
“Yeah…but I haven’t made a decision yet.”
Kyle looked at his food and didn’t pressure me. “Whatever you decide, I’d still like to help. So, if you want me to come to the doctor with you or anything, let me know.”
“Thanks…I appreciate it.”
Kyle sat in the chair near the exam table, dressed in a collared shirt and jeans. He stared at the posters on the wall, the steps throughout pregnancy, and then he eyed a model on the counter.
I was in my gown on the table, so nervous my heart was fluttering like the wings of a hummingbird. I was afraid it was a false positive, that this baby inside my belly was too good to be true. It was a gift because Neil would be with me always…even if he didn’t make it home alive.
“Nervous?” Kyle asked.
“A little.”
“Nothing to be nervous about. I’m sure everything is fine.”
“I’m just afraid it’s a false positive…”
Kyle stared at the model for a while before he turned back to me. “You really want this baby, huh?”
“Yes. I’ve already fallen in love, and I don’t even feel pregnant yet. Having a family was all I ever wanted, and when I was told I couldn’t, I was devastated. Now, this feels like a miracle. It’s not happening under the best circumstances, but…at least it’s happening.”
“You have a good attitude. I think a lot of women would be upset that the father wouldn’t be in the picture.”
“There are a lot of single mothers out there. You can do it alone.”
“Yeah, but no one wants to do it alone.” Kyle scooted his chair to my side so he could be closer to me. “I know you could do it and be an awesome mother. You’re so smart and successful…you’ve got Torpedo.”
I chuckled. “He’d be a great babysitter.”
“But I’d rather you not do it alone.” His eyes drifted away, and we turned quiet.
I wished Neil were there to experience this with me, to tell me he loved me and couldn’t wait to be a family. But it was a fantasy, something of my imagination. If I actually told Neil the truth, he would probably storm out and keep his distance until he could cope with the truth, unless he could let go of the life he was supposed to have.
The doctor came in a moment later. “Congratulations. It looks like you’re having a baby.” He handed me the lab report so I could see the positive reading.
I stared at it and felt my eyes immediately water. This wasn’t a dream. This was really happening.
Kyle placed his hand on mine and gave it a squeeze.
“All the tests came back normal,” the doctor said. “No complications. So far, everything looks healthy.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful.” I sniffled and steadied my tears.
Kyle took the report away and set it on the counter.
“And you’re the father, I presume?” the doctor asked as he took a seat on the stool.
Kyle didn’t answer right away, looking to me for direction.
In a perfect world, Neil would be with me now. He’d be holding my hand, happy about the life we were bringing into the world. But every conversation we’d had indicated he wouldn’t change his mind. He wanted to move forward on his own, to have an adventurous life that was wonderful and unpredictable.
This baby would make him unhappy, resentful.
He wouldn’t be the Neil I fell in love with.
I made my decision then and there, and it was much easier than I anticipated. “Yes…he’s the father.”
Three
Charlotte
Stacy came back into the room, visibly tired and a little disheveled after taking care of a baby all day. She still had a belly and extra weight from carrying Victor, and since she was up every morning, hitting the gym to get back into shape, she was exhausted on a level most people couldn’t understand. “Victor is just like his father. He never stops…” She sat on the couch and sank into the cushions. “I want to sleep and never wake up…”
Vic slid his fingers into her hair and gently coaxed her, like it made up for a lack of sleep. “It’ll be alright, baby.”
“Easy for you to say,” she snapped. “You didn’t have to push a desk out of your vagina, and you get to go to work all day while I talk to a baby.”
“I said we could get a nanny.”
“No, I don’t want a nanny.”
“Then we’re out of options.”
“Well, we aren’t having another one…”
Vic turned to me and mouthed, “Yes, we are.”
I chuckled and felt a slight thrill watching Stacy. That would be my life soon enough, but I’d have to find someone to watch my baby while I was at work. I could ask Stacy, but that seemed unfair to make her watch two kids. If she knew it was Neil’s baby, she probably wouldn’t mind, but that was an option I didn’t have.
Maybe Kyle could work so I could stay home. I hadn’t figured out that problem yet.
Stacy opened her eyes and sat up. “I’m so jealous of you. You have a rockin’ body, and you get plenty of sleep every night…”
That wouldn’t last long. “Actually…I have something to tell you.”
Neither one of them jumped to conclusions because they assumed I couldn’t have children. Anyone else would have figured it out right away, with a segue like that. “What?” Vic asked. “Everything okay?”
“Everything is great, as a matter of fact…” I stared down at the floor as I prepared to make the announcement. I was about to lie to both of them, but I didn’t see any other solution. Why ruin a man’s life when I didn’t have to? “I know this is going to come as a shock…but I’m pregnant.”
Stacy didn’t react at all. As if she didn’t hear me, she continued to stare at me.
Vic’s eyes narrowed, reacting quicker than his wife. “What? How is that possible?”
“Cameron called me and told me the doctors got our papers mixed up. Cameron is the one with a problem…not me.” I felt bad for him. He had to live with that knowledge, to tell any woman he got serious with. He’d left me because of it. He was probably afraid someone would do the same to him.
“What?” Stacy blurted. “Wait. How? Wait… Does that mean… Oh my god.” She covered her mouth. “You’re pregnant with Neil’s baby?” Her eyes were wide like golf balls, and she was so shocked that she couldn’t keep her voice down, not even to keep Victor asleep.
“Holy fuck,” Vic said. “Why didn’t you tell Neil before he left?”
“Because he’s not the father.” I pushed through the lie and avoided eye contact to make it easier.
“What do you mean, he’s not the father?” Stacy asked. “It has to be him. Who else could it be?”
Vic followed the train of thought quicker than Stacy did. “Kyle.”
I nodded. “Yeah…Kyle.”
Stacy was shocked all over again. “You guys started sleeping together? Neil just left a couple weeks ago.”
It made me sound like a slut. “I was really depressed and lonely… Kyle came over, and it just happened.”
Stacy sank back into the couch. “My god, that’s a lot of information to get in a minute.”
“Yeah,” Vic said in agreement. “But it’s also great news. I mean, you thought you couldn’t have children, and now you can.”
“Yes.” A smile finally broke through the sadness. “And I’m very happy about that.”
“This is great news for Kyle,” Vic said. “I mean, there’s nothing he would want more than to settle down with you.”
“I don’t know if we’re settling down together,” I said. “We’re just having this baby together…for now.” In the limited amount of time I’d been with Kyle, it did feel nice. It felt the way it should. We were two best friends who got along so well. I couldn’t see myself falling in love with him the way I did with Neil, but at least I would be happy.
Stacy snapped out of it. “Wow, I’m so happy for you.” She finally got off the couch to hug me. She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me tight. “I know I complain about being a mother all the time, but it really is the best.”
/>
I laughed. “I know you love it, Stacy. I’m so excited to be a mom too. It’s a dream come true.”
Vic came to my other side and hugged me. “We’re excited. In a perfect world, you and Neil would have worked out. But I think Kyle is better for you in every category. That guy will always be there for you…no matter what.”
Hearing his own brother say that made me realize I’d made the right decision. Neil and I were destined for other things. It was time to move on and let go. “Thanks. I know Kyle will be a good father.”
“And a great husband,” Stacy said. “If you ever get there…”
Four
Charlotte
Eight Months Later
I turned on my side, my enormous stomach so uncomfortable. I hadn’t gotten a good night of sleep in so long, my hormones were out of whack, and I was hungry…always. Torpedo lay beside me, and sometimes he placed his snout against my belly, like he could feel the baby inside my stomach. “Torpedo…get this baby out of me.”
He whined.
I told the doctor I didn’t want to know the sex of the baby, but I had a strong suspicion it was a boy. Only a boy would need this much room, kick this much, and cause this much havoc in my life.
Kyle walked into my bedroom. “You doing okay?”
“Blah…”
He came to my side of the bed and kneeled down so his face was level with mine. “I got you some curly fries.”
“Yuck.”
His hand moved to my stomach, as if he could feel what was going on inside me. “Not much longer now. The baby will be here, and you’ll be comfortable again.”
“And have a crying baby around the house…”
“But you have me to take care of that.” He hadn’t shaved his beard for the last few days, so the shadow was thick. His blue eyes were clear, reminding me of the sky in summer. He was a handsome man, and sometimes it was hard to believe he loved me. “Which brings me to my next question. How would you feel if I moved in?”