by Jess Dee
On a rational level, she knew Adam wasn’t the asshole he’d acted like that night. She recognized the real man behind the façade. The gentle, tender Adam, whose capacity for love knew no boundaries. The damaged Adam, who feared intimacy of any kind because he equated love with pain. He’d lost the person who meant more to him than anyone else.
Years ago, he’d been free to love and to be loved. To lavish affection on those closest to him. His payment for that love had been death and divorce.
She knew his reaction to the condom issue had been an impulsive response to a situation that had the potential to increase his torment. She’d pushed him that night.
Pushed him to a point of emotional helplessness. Perhaps, if he had not been so vulnerable at the exact moment he’d remembered the condoms, the situation would never have spiraled out of control.
Instead, Adam found himself in the very situation he’d never wanted to be in again, at a time when he had no defenses. He’d instinctively done the only thing he could to protect himself—he’d attacked.
She didn’t condone his behavior, not by a long shot. On a rational level, though, she understood it. That didn’t make anything about her response to his behavior rational.
Understanding it did not ease the pain he’d inflicted on her. Not one tiny bit. It didn’t stop the tears or the ache or the emptiness inside. It didn’t dampen her anger or lessen her incredulity at the way things had panned out. It also didn’t give her false hope that their relationship stood any chance of succeeding.
Worst of all, it didn’t help her love him any less—which made everything a million times more harrowing. Despite how she felt, she and Adam were history. They had no future together—he’d made that perfectly clear.
“It doesn’t matter,” she told her brother. “It’s over.”
“What’s over?”
Duh! Men. How dense could they be? “We are. Him and me. Our relationship.
Okay?”
Daniel looked astonished. “What happened?”
She took a piece of his muffin and stuffed it in her mouth. She didn’t want to talk about it. It was too bloody painful. She chewed, swallowed, stared at the remaining muffin.
“Lex?”
“We had a major blow-out,” she admitted reluctantly. “He walked out on me.”
“He did?” Daniel frowned. “You guys looked pretty tight. I thought this was a sure thing.”
“Yeah?” she snapped. “Well it wasn’t.”
“Lex, I’m not the enemy,” Daniel reminded her quietly.
She couldn’t help it. Her eyes filled with tears and she had to gulp down a lump in her throat. “I’m sorry, Dan.” She knew it was unfair to take her aggression out on him.
He wasn’t the baddy. “I just feel pretty shitty right now.”
He nodded. “Yeah, I can see that.”
She sniffed and blinked back her tears.
“Tell me about the fight.”
What could she say? She didn’t want Daniel to know about the terrible deed Adam had accused her of.
“Lex? What happened?”
It hurt too much to remember. She shook her head.
“Lexi…”
He used his no-nonsense big-brother tone of voice. It was useless trying to sidestep him. If she got away from him now, he’d just turn up on her doorstep later to get the rest of the story.
She took a shaky breath. “We weren’t really fighting at first. We were just talking.”
They were more than talking. They were breaking through some of the barriers Adam had wrapped around himself. They were making progress.
“About?”
“It’s not important.” Yes, it was, but she wouldn’t break Adam’s confidentiality by telling Daniel. “Suffice it to say it was a sensitive subject.”
“And?”
“And Adam was a little upset.” She’d pushed him on issues that were deeply personal and deeply painful. “So was I.” Much as she’d tried to remain calm, Adam’s allegations had gone too far and she’d lost it, shot her mouth off in a truly spectacular fashion—perhaps her grandest performance to date.
“So you fought?”
If he called hauling out the heavy artillery and blowing apart their relationship fighting. “Yes, but not about the issues we were discussing.”
“I don’t understand. What did you fight about then?”
Her cheeks began to burn. How did she explain the finer points of all this to her brother? She could barely comprehend it herself. What would he say?
“He thinks I tried to trap him…by getting pregnant.”
Daniel choked on his muffin.
It took several minutes before he recovered from his coughing fit. “Where the hell did he come up with an idea like that?” Daniel demanded when he was finally able to talk again. His face was red, his eyes watered and anger blazed off him in waves.
Lexi studied her nails. “Well… You know the night of Leona’s dinner?” Dang, this was humiliating. She and Dan were close, sure, but sharing the intimate details of her sex life was a little too much information—even for siblings. “We, uh, kind of got carried away.”
Her brother shifted in his seat. Apparently it was too much information for him as well. Then he grimaced. “You forgot to use protection.”
“It was a mistake, Danno. I swear.” Her face burned. Bile rose in her throat again.
She had never—ever—deliberately forgotten to use a condom.
“Of course it was,” he rushed to reassure her. “I don’t doubt that for a second.”
Tears rushed back to her eyes. At least someone believed her.
She pressed her lips together, determined not to cry over Adam anymore. How could she hate someone and love him at the same time? Love him so much she physically yearned to see him again? To touch him? To throw her arms around him, hold him and never let him go?
“Does this mean you’re going to make me an uncle?”
“No,” Lexi answered flatly. “I’m not pregnant.”
A week after he’d stormed out of her unit, she’d gotten her period. Never, in all her years since puberty, had she celebrated the rites of womanhood like she had that day.
Relief washed through her, leaving her limp as a dishrag. She wasn’t pregnant. At least that was one less complication in the Adam saga.
He didn’t know yet. If he did, would he care? Would she care if he cared? Yes, dammit, she would. That was her whole problem—she cared too much about what Adam thought.
A tear spilled out despite her previous determination not to cry. Then another and another.
Daniel watched silently as she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. Then he asked the question only a brother could ask and survive to learn the answer. “Did you want to be?”
She gaped at him. “What kind of a question is that?”
“Lex, you’re crying,” he pointed out. “You started crying at the same time you told me you weren’t pregnant. I just wondered.”
She wasn’t crying about not being pregnant, she was crying about Adam. Again.
“No,” she sighed. “I don’t want to be pregnant now. Sometime in the future, yes, but only under the right circumstances. I want to be married and happy and excited about the prospect of a family.” What she didn’t want was to fall pregnant under a nasty haze of unfounded suspicion.
“Have you spoken to him since?”
“No.” She shook her head and took a piece of muffin. She wasn’t hungry, she just hoped it might distract her from her misery. Maybe the chocolate would make her happy.
“He doesn’t know you’re not pregnant?” Daniel raised an eyebrow.
“No.” She decided against telling Dan the bit where she’d promised Adam he’d never find out. She ate the muffin instead.
“Don’t you think he deserves to know?”
“No.” That was the irrational part of her answering. The part that wanted him to suffer as much as she had.
Of course he needed
to know. She was certain he was in all sorts of hell wondering if she’d conceived his child. She just wanted him to suffer a little before he found out.
She sighed. “Yes. I thought I’d wait ‘til he got back before I told him.”
“And when does he get back?”
She gave in to a sudden overwhelming need to inspect her nails. “Last week.”
“What? He’s been back a week and you haven’t spoken to him?”
“He hasn’t tried to contact me,” she mumbled. Granted, he’d phoned her in the beginning. More than once. Still enraged at the time, she’d refused to speak to him. She’d even threatened to disembowel Penny with a pencil if she put any of his calls through to her. Since then, she hadn’t heard from him. Not a visit, not a phone call, not a word. Not one word. Nothing.
“What does that have to do with anything?” Daniel shook his head in disbelief.
She swallowed, cleared her throat and swallowed again. “He doesn’t want to see me.
If he did, he would have tried to get in touch.” Yep. The irrational Lexi again. The proud one who believed that if Adam wanted to see her, he would come to her. He hadn’t. That could only mean he wasn’t interested. He wasn’t interested in her and he wasn’t interested in her possible pregnancy.
“Hang about, mate,” Daniel said. “He needs to know. Since when has someone not wanting to speak to you ever stopped you from going to see them anyway?”
“Since I’m in love with this someone,” Lexi answered despondently.
Daniel didn’t even pretend to be surprised by her confession. “All the more reason.
What are you waiting for? Go and see him. Now.”
“Now?” She couldn’t hide the panic from her voice. Not now. It was too soon. She wasn’t ready. She couldn’t face him. “Dan, the media conference is tomorrow. I can’t just leave the hospital. I have too much to do. The program opens in one week.” It was far easier to hide behind work than to pluck up the courage to go to him.
“I thought Abbey had taken over the program?”
“How do you know Abbey?” Lexi asked, looking for any means of diversion. This was a good one. She had mentioned she’d hired someone. She hadn’t told Daniel her name.
“I hang around the ward a lot. I get to hear things, meet people.”
Of course he did. Ever since he’d done the shoot at POWS, he’d become a regular here. If there was news, Daniel knew it.
“Sexy little thing, isn’t she?” her brother mused.
Good. He’d bought into the diversionary tactic. “You’re not the only one who thinks so. Matt’s commented a couple of times too.”
“She doing all right at the job?”
“More than all right. She’s brilliant. With her on board, the sibling program can’t fail.”
“You trust her?”
“Of course I do.”
“Then she can manage without you for a while. Go and see him.”
Bugger. She should have seen that one coming. Daniel had seen straight through her change in conversation. Now she had no excuse. All she had left to offer was the sad truth. “I don’t know if I can, Dan. I don’t think I have the guts.”
“I’m sure Abbey will be just fine without you.”
“I’m not talking about Abbey. I’m talking about me. I don’t think I have the guts to face Adam.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “What if he really does hate me and honestly thinks I tried to trap him? What if he doesn’t want to see me again?”
Daniel refused to play into her self-pity. “And what if he does, Lex?”
She couldn’t give herself false hope. “Then he’d have phoned,” she sulked.
“What are you,” Daniel sneered, “sixteen again, waiting for the boy to phone you?
Get over it, mate. If you want him, go and get him. Go tell him the news.”
Lexi didn’t budge. She wanted him—more than anything. Nevertheless, rejection was a heavy price to pay for taking a chance. She doodled on her desk pad.
“What are you waiting for?” Daniel asked.
“I—”
“Go.” He stood, took the remainder of the muffin with him and yanked the pencil out of her hand. “Now.”
“Okay, already.” She rose too and muttered under her breath, “Bully.”
“Maybe so.” Daniel grinned at her. “At least I’m a married bully. Now go and clear things up with your man, Lex. I suspect he’s waiting for you.”
Chapter Sixteen
He wasn’t.
According to Genevieve, he wasn’t even in Sydney. His secretary didn’t know where he was. He’d simply left a message for her to cancel all his appointments for a week.
Lexi went home. Okay, so maybe Adam hadn’t contacted her because he wasn’t back yet. The thought didn’t stop her from sinking deeper into depression. They’d made such incredible progress before that night. They’d forged a bond she knew he’d never have dreamed possible. With a little more time she was convinced she could have broken down all of his barriers, given him reason to want a future again.
One mistake. One stupid, thoughtless blunder and everything was ruined.
She loved him—despite how much he’d hurt her. Despite the fact that he was a stubborn idiot and had developed defense mechanisms more effective than the Great Wall of China. They were made for each other—couldn’t he see that? Why did he have to hide behind their terrible mistake, and in the process destroy any chance they might have had?
Lexi tried to look at their relationship from a different angle—anything to help her understand why things had gone so wrong.
Maybe she was mistaken. Maybe she hadn’t gotten as close as she’d thought.
Perhaps instead of breaking down his defenses, she’d only reinforced them. Perhaps by pushing him to face his past, she’d destroyed their chance at a future.
The doorbell rang, jarring her out of her thoughts. Shoot, she didn’t want to see anyone. She wanted to wallow in self-pity alone, away from prying eyes. If she sat quietly and pretended not to be there, maybe whoever it was would go away.
The doorbell rang a second time, and then a third.
“Lexi?”
Oh, sweet Lord.
“Open up, I know you’re in there.”
His voice was muted by the door but she’d recognize it anywhere.
“Your car’s outside, I know you’re home.”
Holy shit. He was here. He’d come to her. What would she do, what would she say?
Would it be inappropriate to not say anything? To just grab him by the collar, haul him close and kiss him? To fuck him right there in the open doorway?
“You can’t ignore me forever, Lexi.”
What if she cried? What if the relief of seeing him again was too much and she lost it completely, started sobbing hysterically as soon as he walked through the door? What if…what if he was only here on business and he wasn’t interested in seeing her personally, didn’t want to know about the pregnancy?
“Open up!”
She did, although her hands shook so hard she had trouble with the lock.
“Hello, Lexi.”
There he was. Adam Riley, on her doorstep.
Sweet Lord, he looked good. Better than she ever remembered. A little thinner, maybe, but still heart-stoppingly gorgeous. Those shoulders, those enormous shoulders.
She wanted to throw herself between them so he could wrap his arms around her. So she could feel safe again, secure in the knowledge that he was back.
“We need to talk,” Adam said quietly.
His voice ripped through her heart like a hurricane. Her ribs constricted, making breathing difficult.
“May I?” He gestured to come in.
She nodded and stepped wordlessly aside, suddenly terrified of what he would say.
Of what she would say and how she would say it. Whatever happened, she needed to set things straight. Needed to get their relationship back on track. She had to do whatever it took to get him to stay. She l
oved him too much to let him leave again.
Suddenly the prospect of being pregnant with his child didn’t seem so awful—not if it was the only way she could keep him in her life. Lexi dismissed the thought as soon as it popped into her head. Yes, she loved him, hungered for a future with him, but not enough to stoop to such levels of treachery. Nothing would ever make her stoop to such levels.
He sat on her couch, pausing only to place a brown paper bag on the coffee table.
Lexi numbly chose a chair opposite him, eyeing the bag cautiously. What was it?
Her attention flicked from Adam to the parcel and then, because she couldn’t keep her eyes off him, back to Adam. His beautiful face was expressionless. She couldn’t read it, couldn’t find a clue as to what the parcel might contain.
“Go ahead,” he said. “Open it.”
What the hell was it? A peace offering? A restraining order?
“It won’t bite. I promise.” Was that an attempt at a joke? She looked at him. No. No humor in his eyes, just a steady intensity that made her heart race.
Her silence hung around her. She hadn’t said a word since he’d arrived, couldn’t think of a single intelligible thing to say. Better than shooting her mouth off, she supposed, and saying something she’d regret later.
Her behavior was a little surprising—being that her usual modus operandi was to dive headfirst into whatever situation she was presented with.
This was different. Her future happiness rode on this meeting and she wouldn’t blow it. Fate wouldn’t be so kind as to call again and offer her another chance. Better to remain quiet until she found the appropriate words to tell him she wasn’t pregnant, to convince him she’d never trap him.
While her head and heart spun crazily, her body danced to an unsteady beat, responding on base instinct to Adam’s presence. Every nerve ending tingled. He was here, meters away, and the physical awareness sent goosebumps skittering over her skin.
The bag lay unopened between them until inquisitiveness got the better of her and she picked it up shakily and peaked inside.
Naturally.
A rational sentence finally formed in her head. “This isn’t necessary,” she told him, thinking it nothing less than a miracle that she could talk. Her tongue was glued to the roof of her mouth.