Do a Win List. (See page 250 for instructions on Win Lists.) Take a project or emotional goal you want to encourage. What would you like to stay true to? Do a targeted Win List every day this week.
Take an inventory. When do you tend to listen to other people instead of yourself? What do “they” say? Pay attention to how advice lands for you. Do your shoulders relax? Or do you feel tense? Are you making decisions from obligation instead of inspiration? In a situation in your life in which you’re feeling frustration, fill in this blank quickly and repetitively: The “assumed right thing” for me to do here is . . . Discover the assumptions that might be blocking your instincts or truth.
Do you have a question about this chapter? I’d love to know what’s on your mind! I may just get wildly inspired and answer you immediately. Send me your thought or question at www.TamaKieves.com/uncertainty-question, and you can also register for a FREE Thriving Through Uncertainty Coaching Call designed to shift your mind-set and bring you immediate clarity.
CHAPTER FOUR
ACTION ISN’T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED
HAPPINESS IS AN ACTION
“But you could make more money if you just . . . [fill in the blank],” says Rhonda. It’s a reasonable idea. And it takes every fiber of resolution I possess to not act. I keep telling myself, Just because you could, doesn’t mean you should.
TAMA KIEVES (journal entry)
It takes courage and discipline to turn your face to the sun. Getting happy is an action and an act of revolution.
TAMA KIEVES (journal entry)
It takes practice to stay inspired. Real life is an opponent that won’t quit. We are barraged with facts and influences that attack our confidence. Peace of mind is not an opiate. It’s an act of heroic self-compassion and dedicated concentration.
But most of us have been conditioned to believe that happiness is an indulgence, like doughnuts. It’s not the main entree. And it’s definitely not as “virtuous” as working hard, the fish and leafy greens of life choices.
My father, a self-made businessman, had a high-strung, judgmental temperament, which is a nice way of putting it. He also had the Eastern European Jewish mandate to be a “good provider” for his family, and he worked hard. He disdained those who relaxed. I remember him seeing a middle-aged man sitting on a bench in the sun in Central Park, smiling casually to himself. “Look at that guy,” my father snarled with condemnation. “Nothing on his mind.” My father’s implicit message weighed heavily on my mind. Be worried, cynical, and constantly in motion all the days of your life. This was the subtext for success. Stress meant you were responsible, a “thinker,” someone to be counted on, and who could achieve results. You were “on the ball.”
Yet these days I know how imperative it is to remain calm in a world of frenzy. My best decisions and outcomes do not come from agitation. This isn’t when I’m on the ball. This is when I’m on the hamster wheel, pacing and spinning. And let me just say that just because you’re on a roll doesn’t mean you’re getting somewhere.
In my own life transitions and through working with others, I know that self-possession requires focus. I work with creative individuals, meaning seekers, and people on fire with a mission. They must face the brunt of uncertainty daily. And I know that the power to help yourself feel centered, connected, and confident no matter what is one of the most important skills I can offer them. Often, it’s the difference between those who can stay focused on getting through unsettling times and creating rich, authentic lives and those who can’t.
It takes action to be happy, but not the kind of busy work a driven Western-values culture advances. Happiness requires the action of paying attention to your mood, your internal landscape, and your thoughts and reconnecting with your soul.
This isn’t “fluff” work. It’s the real work. And it can be harder than lifting a dumbbell over your head. It’s the magic of getting out of your head and into a quiet state of strength. When you’re in the throes of transition, feeling good is not a casual happenstance. It’s the feat of a ninja.
Of course, I’m not talking about being unconscious or ignoring human suffering. I’m not talking about skipping out on your federal taxes or taking a break from feeding those pesky children. I’m not even saying you shouldn’t take action. I’m talking about also valuing the kinds of actions that help you stay aware, awake, and in alignment with your true desires and potential.
I remember when I lived in the mountains writing my first book. I was good and depressed, like every other stereotypical writer on the planet. I was ambling around the house, smothered by a matted gray woolen blanket, only I didn’t really have a blanket on me; the self-inflicted shame just felt that way.
I was in a mood, heading down the psychic sewer. I had decided that I was a terrible writer and an incompetent entrepreneur and quite possibly a human being who was just damaged, in some squirrely, deep-down way. I could never wrangle the purple octopus of all my creative ideas into a coherent book or seminar. I’d never “get there”; I wouldn’t make a living. I’d definitely screwed up my whole life by leaving the established status of working for a big law firm. My God, I had to eat everything in the refrigerator just to stay sane.
But that day something uncanny happened. I did a meditation or journaling exercise or both and I changed the direction of my thoughts. Like a school of fish, they started swimming in a positive direction. I started feeling hope, maybe even confidence. I held my own brave little hand in the middle of the day. I broke through the gate and got to see the wizard.
I felt amazed. I had changed my own mood. I hadn’t paid a life coach. Or listened to a podcast. Or chanted with a guru. I hadn’t swallowed some white capsule. I had control over my own mind. This was fantastic news. Because I damn well knew my mind controlled my life.
To take yourself from misery to hope is a miracle. It’s like parting the Red Sea, only without the audience and publicity. It was like finding a Diet Pepsi machine or a Whole Foods in the middle of the desert. I know you know what I mean. One minute I was aching. And in the next, I’d brought peace to the Middle East just by humming inside myself, “we can work it out,” until a million voices sang along and drowned out all the ache and strife. I wasn’t just a pair of empty boots after all. I was Madame Curie, Nelson Mandela, and Lady Gaga all rolled into one superhero in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon. My small worn flowered couch shimmered like a holy man’s cave in the mountains of Nepal.
But later that day, a quasi-friend called. Susan was rapid-firing through tasks at her sleek office downtown. She was Athena, Conqueror of the To-Do List. “Wha’d ya do today?” she chirped, computer keys clicking in the background. Believe me, I understood the menu of acceptable answers. Long gap. “I changed a thought,” I wanted to croak and glow with reverence. I changed the neuroplasticity of my brain and opened to a whole new trajectory for my life.
“Nothing,” I demurred instead. Because I had done nothing she would recognize.
She was looking to hear that I’d cleaned the pantry and hauled out three full Hefty bags of trash or donations. Or attended a webinar on logo design. Or maybe made a cool mil by day-trading futures while getting an acrylic pedicure. To her and most everyone else in my life at that time, it was far more productive to organize your shoe closet than to organize your mind. She wanted nuts and bolts. I had stardust on my tongue. Which meant I said nothing and felt dull.
There’s a societal bias toward doing. It’s the cult of action. But don’t be fooled. You will not win yourself certainty by ignoring the status of your own mind.
I see this with many of my coaching clients. They are embarking on a business or life transition and they’re scared and quaking with newness. So, they do a thousand things, anything to avoid the terror of inaction.
Yet you can never take enough actions to feel safe. Because it’s not actions that make you feel safe or get results. It’s mental
focus.
It’s learning how to use your mind-set appropriately. Otherwise you’re the sock puppet of fear. You’re a chicken without a head. You might be running in all kinds of directions, but it doesn’t mean you’re moving toward anything you truly want.
“You can never take enough actions to feel safe. Because it’s not actions that make you feel safe or get results. It’s mental focus.”
We live in a culture of staying busy. But an inspired life will ask you to look at what part of you is coming up with the tasks. Is it your strength that motivates you? Or is it your desperation? Where you come from is where you’ll go.
It takes daring work to be in your strength. It takes focus to be happy. I’m here to tell you, go ahead and take that “Awaken Your Inner Druid” workshop if it speaks to you, even if you dare not speak it aloud. Take a Centering Prayer or Tibetan meditation retreat. Chant along at a kirtan or sign up for the mindfulness program run by your favorite therapist.
There may be grief you need to feel. Beliefs you need to unpack. Or parts of your life where you are needing to sort things out and heal, which is an inward “doing.” Feast on books that feed you. Journal. Pray. Get to know yourself from the inside out. Devote yourself to the intangible power you possess. It will yield you tangible results. Your mind-set is your most powerful resource. No plan or eight-step strategy to success will offer you as much peace as knowing how to center yourself.
You are not empty-headed, because you are dedicating yourself to being levelheaded when there are alligators circling your feet. The masses will tell you to get out of danger, that only an idiot remains still in dangerous waters. But you know that being in the middle of a change is where you need to be. For you, the shore may be a more dangerous place, because it could be a step backward. You are not oblivious. You are awake.
Dealing with your feelings is not a popular choice. Likewise, ignoring statistics and choosing to believe in what you cannot see is also shunned. So, if you’re choosing to be happy or believing in your dreams, you may be labeled “unrealistic.” Yet everyone who has ever moved beyond the status quo, the ordinary bulk regimen of the everyday “real world,” was once considered unrealistic. Those who make a difference will always be different. It takes work to safeguard your difference. It demands courage, focus, and mind-set.
It takes little faith or bravery to clean the kitchen, serve on the board, or go back to school when that’s what others expect of you. The rat will always push the lever where the pellets are. But it takes human consciousness and choice, the strength of a warrior or lioness to stay true to yourself, to walk in the park in the middle of the workday, let go of an image that brought you security, launch a venture that mocks mediocrity, or tell your lover what you really want. There are no guaranteed pellets in courageous actions. Yet some of us have learned that pellets leave us hungry. We hunt for more.
The times are changing. The concept of an inner journey has moved beyond the fringes into more public awareness. Neuroscientists are studying the irrefutable benefits of peace of mind. And quantum physicists are diving into the dynamics of thoughts and energy. Peace of mind has infiltrated the mainstream conversation.
I’ve seen the New York Times run articles on mantras and mindfulness at work. More CEOs are bringing meditation and yoga into the workplace because mindfulness measurably increases productivity, employee retention, employee health, and profitability. And Arianna Huffington, cofounder of the Huffington Post, has coined the term “the third metric,” a way of redefining success. She says that typically success has been defined by money and power, but now we need to discern and acknowledge the feeling of well-being, and an individual’s access to intuition and love.
Mark my words. Someday, someday soon, you will tell most anyone, “I changed a thought,” and he or she will bow down before you like the hero you are.
TURNING POINTS:
Happiness Is an Action
My best decisions and outcomes do not come from agitation. . . . This is when I’m on the hamster wheel. . . . Just because you’re on a roll doesn’t mean you’re getting somewhere.
When you’re in the throes of transition, feeling good is not a casual happenstance. It’s the feat of a ninja.
You can never take enough actions to feel safe. Because it’s not actions that make you feel safe or get results. It’s mental focus.
What part of you is coming up with the tasks? Is it your strength that motivates you? Or is it your desperation? Where you come from is where you’ll go.
Devote yourself to the intangible power you possess. It will yield you tangible results. Your mind-set is your most powerful resource.
Those who make a difference will always be different. It takes work to safeguard your difference.
It takes little faith or bravery to clean the kitchen, serve on the board, or go back to school when that’s what others expect of you. The rat will always push the lever where the pellets are.
It takes . . . the strength of a warrior or lioness to stay true to yourself, to walk in the park in the middle of the workday, let go of an image that brought you security, launch a venture that mocks mediocrity, or tell your lover what you really want.
HOW TO BE UNABASHEDLY ALIVE
Sometimes, I sat in my sunny doorway from sunrise till noon, rapt in a reverie, amidst the pines and hickories and sumacs, in undisturbed solitude and stillness.
HENRY DAVID THOREAU
There are “opportunity costs” for getting things done. Are you rushing to an appointment and missing one your instinctive self has in mind for you? What if you don’t take time to unwind and process the argument with your daughter? Or write that song that came to you in a dream? Presence is a time-saver and a lifesaver.
TAMA KIEVES (journal entry)
The ego, or the self you imagine yourself to be, has a thousand goals. But are they really yours? And are they your sweetest goals right now?
A whirlwind Western world worships productivity, as defined by how much we “get done.” Still, I invite you to consider becoming undone, connecting with the fullness and presence of your inner being in the present moment. It’s a shift from unconsciousness to rapture. No one can do this for you. And yes, it’s disconcerting at first. But trust me on this: Learning how to be unabashedly alive is a very productive goal.
I want you to be free. Freedom doesn’t mean you’ll run away to Istanbul or forget to pay the rent. It’s a remembrance, not a forgetting. It’s remembering who you really are. It’s too easy to lose sight of your nimble, guided self in the everyday tasks and habits, not to mention the self-talk that has you feeling crippled, haunted, and behind, even before you’ve made your morning coffee and remembered your name.
It’s preconceived ideas about what we “should” be doing that prevent us from listening to our hearts in any given moment. But you can stop this “virtue” in its tracks. Set down the laundry or report, even for a minute. Become vulnerable and present to your present life. Your deep self wants to talk to you. Do you want to listen?
A Course in Miracles teaches, “The miracle comes quietly into the mind that stops an instant and is still.” You might think you’re just being “responsible.” But you have a higher responsibility to listen to the part of you that honors the higher promise of your life. Why would any of us choose a routine instead of a miracle?
We don’t always realize what we’re not getting done by “getting things done.”
One day in the middle of a busy month of a busy year of a busy lifetime, I decided to give myself a mini-retreat on the plump sofa of my back porch. Actually, I’d hurt my neck. And the pain was distracting me from answering e-mails. It was bad. You could say it was a pain in the neck. So, I resolved to put aside my tasks and spend the day listening to my body and myself.
Immediately I heard a perky voice within dictating glamorous, acceptable ways to relax. Maybe you should go to a
spa and get a hot stone massage. Hey, you could read that new book about scaling your business. Since you’re not on the computer today, why not organize your meditation space? I was horrified to see that even in the domain of my “time off,” I had a brisk checklist waiting to devour me.
I spent the day in my favorite ratty T-shirt instead, resting on my couch, “doing nothing,” meditating by not even trying to meditate, just being and receiving cues from a tired and pained body. It was one of the most productive days I’d had in a while.
I didn’t meet with friends. And I didn’t watch television or listen to an audiobook. I met the silence, big as a bear. It held me. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d given myself space to just be. I allowed myself to be bored and awkward at times, like I was on a really bad date, the kind where you’re maybe hoping for a tiny stroke so you can leave—but I wasn’t bailing and calling a cab. I remembered again, in tiny bursts of raw self-acceptance, this is what my soul needs to experience, and it’s not on any to-do list.
I always hunger for real life, not the mass-marketed “get real” life. I want to see the dawn caress the Taj Mahal and feel the spices, centuries, and love in the air. I want to smell the wild honeysuckles taking over the wooden fence, knowing I only have a bucket full of summers here on earth. I want to taste my life, seize moments that will live inside me forever. I am a jewel thief greedy to collect rare and shiny moments. And for me, it’s not just about going to interesting places. It’s about cultivating a sense of presence, becoming aware of the infinite in a finite moment. I don’t just crave a change in scenery. I crave a shift in consciousness.
In rebellious chunky penmanship, I wrote in my journal, “I am not going to answer e-mails today or get back to clients. I want to know, witness, and love myself. This day of self-care will get more ‘done’ in my life. Because I may not know everything I want to experience in this one mad life of mine, or what I want to be remembered for, but I do know it isn’t this: She always got back to people within a day. And with such excellent grammar!” Yes, I know. I’m no Malcolm X when it comes to insurrection. Still, this was a Rosa Parks, I’m-sitting-down-and-you-can’t-stop-me moment for a responsibility freak like me.
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