NOW WHAT?
CONTINUING TO THRIVE
THRIVE IS A VERB
I know you want an extraordinary life. And that means you will need to make extraordinary choices.
More than that, you will need to make these choices again and again.
Thrive is a verb. It’s not a noun. It is not a state that happens and then that’s it, you’re done. It’s not like you close on the cottage by the lake, you snag the movie deal, you beat the cancer, your daughter kicks the grungy monosyllabic boyfriend to the curb and then poof you are forever free of uncertainty, discomfort, and the need to find your way back to the garden of trust, meeting your True Self, and listening to your own internal compass.
Thriving is a practice. It’s a way of living. It’s the cultivation of a mind-set that allows you to engage with every minute of your life and make inspired, imperative choices. You have an infinite presence within you that requires expression.
We are called to grow or to die. To love our children, significant others, friends, basset hounds, and the stranger on the train more honestly. To sing jazz vocals, heal sadness, teach, launch new products, industries, and technologies, and serve others and the trees. To radically grow in communion with ourselves and banish every dark inner dialogue. Staying true to ourselves is a moving target. And we relax more, only by stretching ourselves more.
That means we take risks and face old stories of limitations every single day: fear of rejection, lack of security, vulnerability, and shame. We choose strength instead of weakness again and again as though for the very first time. And when we need practice, life sends in a tutor or henchman.
Author Carlos Castaneda, writing about his training in shamanism, said a spiritual warrior needs “a worthy opponent” to help liberate his powers. It seems to me that every day of your life is a worthy opponent. This worthy opponent keeps you on your toes or near your meditation seat. It throws ice water in your face when you’re about to turn lukewarm. For example, it lets you know your secret flame has just married well or a friend has early-onset Alzheimer’s. Life won’t let you painlessly fall asleep on the couch with fuzzy hopes, atrophying muscles, lint in your belly button, and unused potential. Sometimes, a worthy opponent is just the trickster you need to help you turn casual engagement into a blast of brilliance.
Every day will propel you to your edge. There will always be uncertainty. You won’t tuck this thing into bed. You can’t hide under your bed. Uncertainty will continue to drive you toward your spirit’s indispensable clarity.
“I thought I was unstoppable,” said Pete after we’d done a session. “Then whomp, I’m triggered. I’m frustrated. I feel defeated. Why do I keep going backwards?” he asked. He sounded as though all his recent progress communicating with his business partner had disappeared off the books.
“What makes you think you’re going backward?” I asked.
“Well, I’m stopped again.” Pete had hung up on his partner in a heated conversation.
“Oh, honey,” I told him. “This is the work. This is integration. You’re going from knowing these things intellectually to knowing them in your blood and your involuntary responses. You’re moving into embodiment. You’re practicing your swing until you are an instrument of wild grace. Okay, so maybe, right now you’re more wild than wild grace. But that’s where we’re headed.” Peter laughed and concluded, “Yeah, and when I master this, then I’ll try it with my ex-wife.”
Maybe you developed some mastery. You got an A. But then you graduated. Which means you get to go back into the gnarly woods. You’re triggered again with self-abandonment, self-comparison, a sense of lack of fairness or financial insecurity—your weapon of choice—whatever you need to tweak you into practicing your swing.
You are being trained to be everything you can be in your lifetime, or as A Course in Miracles says, to embody the Presence of the Alternative. To know an unwavering peace of mind. And to never forget your connection. In every single situation, you’re being asked: Can you use your tools here? Can you trust that you’re led? Can you let go of judgment? We learn by application and repetition. We own our personal power by letting go of every belief that we don’t have it.
No one would play an easy game for long. You’d hunt for more challenge and intrigue.
But life is like a brilliant video game. It’s a monster. It’s a beast. It’s a thing of beauty. Just when you get to one level, the rules of the playing field change. The foes move faster. The blessings and allies are so disguised, they are harder to find, believe, or organize.
Now the “bad guys” reject your novel. They give you a lazy coworker, a boss with a personality disorder, a politician that cuts the funding for your program. You’re not at the mall anymore. You’re off the map again, learning how to trust the mystery and discover your destiny. You must use your practice. Obey your heart’s communication and direction. And, of course, you will. Then the bells will ring. Everything will flutter into place and you will emerge with new mastery and a brighter light. Your spirit just loves this game.
This is the magic of practice. It gets better. We become more fluid with each limit we surpass. When I’m in pain or tempted to believe that I’m beaten, I remind myself that no fear can withstand my devotion, patience, and focus. I can always see things in a new way. I will become who I am meant to become. I am not defined by the circumstance. I am the storyteller. I am the shape-shifter. I am the beloved. Anything you give me, I will throw into the blender. This process will yield even sweeter freedom. I will not beat myself up for being in pain or stuck. I will practice for as long as it takes to be free. I will thrive. And like the great teacher Paramahansa Yogananda says, “Persistence guarantees that results are inevitable.”
How will you practice? How will you devote yourself to thriving? I suggest you commit to believing in yourself and your life, unconditionally. And to undertaking the most formidably loving relationship with yourself that you have ever known. The quality of your inner life is your life. Besides, my thriving friend, you have gifts to give our world.
A Course in Miracles teaches that “who you think you are is a belief to be undone.” You think you can be stopped. You think you can be diminished. You think you can fail. But that’s the game. You can never lose. You already have everything you need. You have this crazy alchemical love within you and it’s yours to give in any situation, which changes every situation and even changes you as you give it. You do not walk alone. Will you choose to listen to the disconnected, smallest version of yourself? Or the highest allegiance of your spirit? You have a choice.
Choose love. Choose again. Choose now. Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner.
THREE PRACTICES I RECOMMEND
If I had to tell you just one thing about thriving through uncertainty, I’d tell you this: Do whatever it takes to discover, connect, and deepen your relationship to your Inspired Self.
Actually, this “one thing” really has two parts. First, it’s the willingness to get to know yourself—your hopes, dreams, fears, and who you really are beyond your conditioning, or who you think you “should” be. This is an active practice, so even if you think you know yourself, stay current because you’re always shifting and growing. And if you’re not honest with yourself, you can’t have a real relationship with the Divine Creative Current, with Infinite Love, with the Higher Mind, or whatever you call this greater intelligence.
The second part is to experiment and stick with a spiritual path. Find your way to whatever belief system and experience expands and comforts you. If you are not consistently immersing yourself in a larger truth, I promise you, the world of limitations will insidiously and inevitably have its way with you.
There are so many helpful techniques and practices available. We’re all wired differently. I suggest you experiment and explore. It doesn’t matter if something is the sun and the moon for someone else—find the ideas and practices t
hat set you free.
In general, meditation or prayer and exercise are the best anxiety killers I know. I’d suggest incorporating them into your life. They will change your brain chemistry and your entire outlook. It’s self-destructive to be in a period of uncertainty and not utilize activities or practices that ground and free you. There are so many varieties of meditation or spiritual practice, and just as many ways to move, exercise, and shake your beauty. As for me, I’ve studied and taught the spiritual psychotherapy program A Course in Miracles continually for years. And lately, I’m a vinyasa yoga girl as well.
But since I’m talking about practice and devotion, I want to clarify that the number one thing I did and continue to do is: I do what I love. That’s my ultimate meditation in this life. It’s a compass and a game changer. Working with my own creativity has connected me to something larger. It’s how I started knowing I’m not alone. It opened a portal. Doing what I love has healed me.
Oh, but I bet you wanted something specific. So, I’ll dish. In addition to my study of A Course in Miracles and practice of yoga, and devotion to writing, speaking, teaching, and coaching, I’ve used the following three practices most to help stay centered on my path. These three practices have helped me know myself and move beyond fear, confusion, and the corrosive belief that I’m not making any progress.
1. Inspired Self-Dialogues
This is my name for a life-saving journaling technique I use to get past fear and listen to my “inspired guidance.” I find it exceptionally helpful because if my mind is scattered or agitated, (should that ever happen!) giving voice to my fears helps me focus. It’s also a startling reminder that no matter what kind of mood I’m in, I always have access to a brilliant, calming wisdom. This has helped me believe that I’m always loved and guided, even though sometimes I’m feeling disconnected. Very disconnected.
Here’s how it works. First, write your fears or concerns about whatever is troubling you or keeping you from moving forward. Then invite your Inspired Self to write back to you and answer you. Imagine this voice as your advocate. It’s the most strength-filled, loving voice you could ever imagine. I sometimes imagine it as a success coach extraordinaire. Some of you may be religious and you might imagine the voice of God or Jesus or a guiding angelic presence writing back to you. Some of you might think of this voice as your Wise Spirit, the Beloved, the Inspired Self, or your Higher Mind. And some of you might write to a fictional character or someone in history. For others, this voice may be the voice of a nurturing relative, teacher, friend, or lover.
When I give this exercise in classes, I see that many students find it helpful to think in terms of what they would say to their best friend or their child—someone they want the absolute best for in life. If that’s helpful to you, then think along those lines, and shine that positive light and intelligence on yourself.
You might feel as though you’re just making this up. Or that the voice is too nice to you. It may feel awkward. Do it anyway. The more you do this practice, the more this voice and presence will become real to you. The more you develop a relationship with this voice, the more you will experience it in other ways, too. I have dialogued with it on paper so often that sometimes I can even do it in my mind, without writing.
I wrote more about the Inspired Self-Dialogue in Inspired & Unstoppable. I’m borrowing a section from that book to offer you an example of this technique from one of my journals:
(Note: For years, I called my voice Inner Teacher, then shortened it to Teacher.)
M.(me): I’m afraid I am writing a book that won’t sell that much.
T.(Inner Teacher, Teacher for short): Dear one, you have always doubted your own path, and you have always walked it with grace. I am with you. I am not guiding you into dangerous or useless territory. I am calling you to where you will thrive. You desire what you deserve. You desire what you are. You know this inside, which is why you have come this far.
(I could have stopped there, but if I didn’t feel peace or didn’t trust the advice, I’d continue the conversation until I did.) Like so . . .
M.How do I know that I’m not just telling myself what I want to hear?
T.You know by how it feels. You know what feels like truth and what feels like wishful thinking. One feels solid. The other does not. You also know because you have the energy to go forward. That means something is calling you forward. Also, you may think that you are telling yourself positive things because that’s what you want to hear. But I ask you to consider that you may tell yourself scary and dark things, because they are what you want to hear. It is not always comfortable to hear positive things. I ask you to go forward, precious one, because you can never lose by following your truth. You will always benefit by experiencing the fruits of your truth. You can never benefit by deciding to put your truth aside. It will always haunt you. You will always wonder. Follow your truth and you will know the truth.
M.Thank you.
For the best use of this technique, write your ugliest fears or “argue” with your Inspired Self. This isn’t a place to be polite or “stay positive.” This is a place to acknowledge your anger, frustration, confusion, or sadness and let your Inspired Self provide the loving insight and perspective you require. It’s meant to be a radically honest and healing conversation. Believe me, I’ve gotten down and dirty with my Inspired Self and those conversations have been amazing.
2. The Win List
I find this technique to be very helpful when you feel like you’re not making progress or getting anywhere. I work with many artists, entrepreneurs, and visionaries, people who have big dreams or desires and often feel as though they’re not doing enough or that things are not moving ahead quickly enough. And when you’re in the middle of a transition, a Win List practice can be especially helpful as it validates the steps you are taking that you might not recognize otherwise.
Doing a Win List is a great exercise in focusing your mind on what you want to see. It trains your mind to pay attention to how, what, and where things are moving in the right direction. You will also start to see more “wins” when you’re looking for them. This teaches you that you always see what you’re looking for, which is why you want to consciously choose an empowering focus daily.
Here’s how it works. You might want to keep a Win List every day. I suggest you write at least five, but closer to ten items on your list. This isn’t a to-do list or a checklist of all you accomplished. For your Win List, I want you to write actions you took in the right direction. I also want you to write and acknowledge what I call inner actions, as in emotional or mind-set shifts. Also, include any times you noticed support, abundance, a coincidence or synchronicity, or anything that helped you feel a sense of life communicating with you, being on your side, and showing up on your behalf.
Make sure to include your tiniest inner shifts, as these life-altering victories are often neglected. For example, you might put on your Win List: “usually I’m depressed and stay in bed for thirty minutes extra, but today I only stayed in bed for twenty-nine minutes extra.” Or “I said no when someone asked me to do something.” Maybe you caved in two minutes later in that situation. But I want you to acknowledge the time you got it right. Or maybe you started a painting. And while later you may have decided the work was terrible, I want you to note only the win on your Win List: “Today, I dedicated myself to a new painting.”
Every step in the right direction counts. And don’t forget the subtle shifts that you might never remember if you didn’t write them down. For example, you were thinking you should trust yourself more, and just at the instant you had that thought, the sun broke through the clouds and you just giggled, sighed, or cried. Note these kinds of connections and communications.
Finally, don’t be afraid to note multiple wins from one thing. For example, “I connected with a lead at a networking group that might bring me in to do some consulting.” And “I introduced mysel
f to that lead, following my intuition.” And “I loved the energy of our conversation and the upbeat feeling I carried afterward.”
3. Freewriting
This is a writing or journaling practice designed to bypass your conscious mind. It’s a well-loved technique of writers. But I find it’s also a wonderful way to unlock your secrets, things you didn’t know you knew or felt or desired. It’s a great way to explore your beliefs, stories, imagery, and memories. For years, I’ve thought of freewriting as a form of meditation, because as I write, I train my mind to focus in one direction and ignore the distracting voice of self-judgment.
Here’s how it works. Pick a word, memory, image, question, or topic (I suggest you use some of the Turning Points in this book). Write for fifteen minutes (or ten or whatever you set) and do not think. Do not stop, pause, or edit. Keep your pen moving (or keystrokes clicking on the laptop). Say anything. Repeat yourself. Free-associate. Feel free to ignore the topic at hand. Come back to it if it helps. Follow the energy. Don’t be afraid to bump into something else you really want to write about and detour into that. Follow what wants to be written. Dare to stay with the heat, even if it leads you to an uncomfortable truth or expression. Do not judge. Do not edit or perfect. Just spew. Brew. Blow. Flow. Write it raw. Write so fast that a truth or knowing gets by the gatekeeper and slips into the light of consciousness.
You might try this technique multiple times on the same subject. You will get new insight or lines every single time.
And if you’re fascinated with freewriting, you might enjoy Natalie Goldberg’s classic book, Writing Down the Bones.
• • •
With any kind of practice, it’s practice. You will deepen and discover what works best for you. Give it time. Give it love. Let go of any preconceived notions of what needs to happen. Let yourself be guided. You’re likely to be thrilled at the results you experience, especially over time. Be patient, dear one. Be persistent. Be free.
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