by Glynna Kaye
“Guilt for what?”
“He somehow has it all messed up in his mind that he can somehow pay God—and me—back for the misguided responsibility he’s assuming for my accident.”
Jodi tensed. Garrett was involved in Drew’s accident?
“He blames himself because we were on a rafting trip on the Colorado. One he’d badgered me to go on before I headed back out on another missions trip. We’d hiked into a side canyon early one evening to do some swimming. Got clowning around just like we often did. Thinking to evade Garrett, I... I dived into the water—and didn’t clear a slab of stone lurking under the surface.”
With a soft gasp, she pressed her fingers momentarily to her lips. “Oh, Drew.”
“He dived in and kept me from drowning. Got me air vacced out of there to Flagstaff. But he’s had a hard time letting go of the possibility that moving me, pulling me out, is what really caused the injury.”
“But if he hadn’t taken action, you’d—”
“Be dead. Guaranteed. But he still feels responsible since he was one of the crew. He said he’d never have allowed any of the other guests on the trip to do what we were doing.”
“So you think he’s going to the Middle East...”
“Because I can’t. I’m certain of it.” Drew smacked the palm of his hand on the arm of his wheelchair. “God used the accident to get his attention. But in all these five years, I had no idea he harbored an intent to do missions work in the Middle East. Never.” Drew fisted his fingers. “And when I get my hands around his throat—”
“But you don’t know what God—”
“This is God’s doing? We both know Garrett can hands-down physically deal with the rigors of a commitment like that. But what I can’t see is that his heart is in it.” Drew’s frown deepened. “I lived and breathed my devotion to the people of that part of the world. I studied the languages, the cultures, the political and religious and economic issues. I openly immersed myself in prayer for that region. Still do. But Garrett’s kept his intent a secret from everyone. Doesn’t that strike you as odd?”
“Maybe he knew he’d get pushback from you. From others.”
“I’m not buying that it’s his calling. In the twelve short months that he’s been back in Hunter Ridge, he’s been instrumental in reviving this church. In drawing local and regional churches together to cooperate for God’s goal of meeting spiritual and physical needs. You’ve only been here a short time, but that’s got to be apparent to you, too. This is where his gifts lie. His calling. How can he not see that?”
In spite of his protests that some in the church would be happy to see him go, Garrett seemed ideally suited to the ministry he’d been given here. From all evidence, he was making a difference. Who was to say, though, that God might not call him elsewhere? But Drew’s concerns were also legitimate. Had Garrett’s intended destination been anywhere but the Middle East...
Drew grasped Jodi’s arm. “If he thinks he can slip out of town without looking me square in the eye and telling me he’s not doing this out of a guilty conscience, he’s got another think coming.”
With that, Drew released her and spun his wheelchair around, smacked his hands against the bar on the exit door and pushed his way out of the building.
Shaken, Jodi stared after him until the door slammed closed. Why had Garrett never shared any of this about the accident with her? She’d poured out her heart to him regarding her own regrets. Had allowed him to hold her, comfort her. Yet he’d harbored a deep wound of his own, never allowing her the opportunity to reciprocate.
Hurt, her gaze swept the open space where not many days ago they’d inventoried the donations—then beyond to the hallway that led to his office. She had to get the wrapping supplies brought in and the workstations set up. If she hurried, though, there would be time enough to have a word with him before she met the others at lunch. She needed to explain to him in person how she’d inadvertently brought his plans to the attention of Drew.
Could Garrett’s friend be right? Was he doing this for all the wrong reasons? And how might questioning his motives impact their newly fledged relationship?
Chapter Fourteen
“Get off my case, Drew.”
Irritation rising, Garrett held the cell phone to his ear as he paced the living room floor of the Lovells’ house, grateful that the older couple had gone to see friends that morning and he’d had the place to himself to work on his Christmas Eve message.
“You’ve been holding out on me, buddy. Until Jodi let it slip, I had no idea you intended to set sail for the same destination I’d mapped out.”
Jodi had betrayed his confidence?
“So you think,” Drew continued, his tone harsh, “that you can make up for what happened that day on the river?”
“Nothing will ever make up for that day on the river. Don’t talk crazy.”
“I don’t think it’s me talking crazy here. Why’d you keep this a secret? Is it a done deal? You’ve signed on the dotted line?”
“Not yet, but I will. Soon.” He’d originally applied right out of college and been turned down, but now he had a year’s worth of ministry experience under his belt and, hopefully, would be receiving a strong enough recommendation from church leadership to get him in the door.
Drew’s voice raised a notch. “This is nuts. You’ve never said a peep about being into foreign missions, let alone something like the Middle East.”
“You don’t think I can handle it?” He’d done his best to stay in top shape since leaving the demands of river rafting.
“The physical rigors, you mean? That’s not the issue here. I’m talking about following what God’s put in your heart. Honing what He’s gifted you to do.”
Garrett ran his hand roughly through his hair. “I may not have made a public service announcement at the time, but this dream has long been in my heart. It’s what pulled me from the river and into Bible college.”
“Your dream—or mine? You used to tell me I was out of my mind to trek all over the globe, risking my neck to tell people about Jesus who’d just as soon kill me as look at me. You said I had a death wish, remember?”
“Think back, Drew. That was before God recruited me to His team.”
“Which happened, I will remind you, after the river incident.”
“I wish you and everyone else would stop calling that an incident. It makes it sound as if you’d done nothing more than stubbed your toe.”
Garrett heard his friend draw a labored breath and braced himself for another verbal assault. But it didn’t come. Instead, Drew’s tone quieted.
“We’ve been friends a long time, Garrett.”
“Yeah, we have.”
“As a friend, as one who walks by your side on God’s path, I’m asking you to step back and reevaluate this.”
“Listen, Drew—”
“No, you listen. I don’t like being wheelchair-bound. I don’t like being kept off the mission fields while they are ripe for harvest. But don’t you think if God had wanted me back out there, that He could have prevented what happened from happening? That He could have had me dive in just a few inches from that submerged rock? Don’t you think God’s big enough, in control enough, that He could have done that?”
Garrett gripped the phone more tightly. “You’re not saying God made this happen, are you? That He would—”
“No! But things happen. Accidents. Our souls are housed in a temporary, sometimes-fragile physical home that often takes a beating. I pray for God’s healing daily, but I’ve accepted where I am. Accepted that God can still use me for a good purpose. But you’ve let my situation eat at you for the past five years and have somehow gotten things all twisted up in your mind.”
Garrett grimaced. “Thanks for the vote of confidence.”
“You know what I mean. You’re so gifted, so God-empowered for a ministry like the one you’re growing at Christ’s Church. You’re reaching people I could never have reached while off in the Middle East—people I’m not even reaching now that I’m right back here in our hometown. But you are.”
At the sound of a slamming car door, Garrett’s attention was drawn to the window. Rio’s truck out by the curb. Which meant... A moment later the doorbell rang.
“I’ve got to go, Drew. Someone’s at the door.”
“You don’t owe me or God a single thing, bud. Promise me you’ll rethink this. Pray about it.”
“Look, I’ve got to go.”
“Right.” For a moment he thought Drew would continue, but he abruptly disconnected.
Garrett stuffed his cell phone back in his pocket. Jodi was here, and with his SUV sitting in the gravel area next to the driveway, he couldn’t pretend not to be home.
He hurt not only from Drew’s verbal thrashing, but from the fact that Jodi had shared his plans with his friend. Had she done it intentionally? Hoping Drew would try to dissuade him from following through? No, he refused to believe that.
Lord, please let me respond to her as a man of God should.
He pulled the door open to face Jodi, her gaze faltering as she offered a smile and held out a plate of cookies. A peace offering?
“Hey, Garrett.”
“Hey.”
“Have a minute? Marisela was at the church office and said you were working from home. There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
He held open the storm door, and she slipped in past him, out of the cold, to set the cookies on a nearby table.
“I think I made a mistake.” She looked at him uncertainly. “I didn’t know you hadn’t told one of your best friends about your missions plans. And I didn’t know your destination had been his plan before the accident. He wasn’t happy, so I think you’ll be hearing from him.”
“Already have.”
She winced. “I’m sorry. I tried to get here as fast as I could to tell you, but I had to—”
“It’s okay. He was bound to find out sooner or later.”
“It wasn’t my intention to say something I shouldn’t have. But in some ways, it helps to understand things better.”
“Like what?”
“Why you’re driven to an especially dangerous type of missions work.” She hesitated, her eyes searching his. “Drew believes you’re trying to make up to him—and God—the fact that he can no longer actively participate in field work.”
“He told you about the part I played in his injuries, did he?” He knew she’d eventually find out, he just didn’t think the time would come so soon. “I’m sorry, Jodi. You should have heard it from me.”
“I don’t fault you for that. I know it must be hard to talk about. But please don’t be mad at Drew for telling me. He thinks the world of you and is concerned that you’re giving up your position in Hunter Ridge. Both of us can see what an amazing difference you’re making in this town.”
“You forget, Jodi, there is no position to give up. I haven’t been offered a contract extension.”
She grimaced. “I still don’t understand that, but we believe God’s gifted you in so many ways for small-town ministry. I’m sure other churches in little towns are looking for someone just like you.”
“Gifted for small-town ministry, but not to touch the lives of those elsewhere?”
“That’s not what we’re saying. It’s just that—”
“It’s not about where I’m most gifted, is it?” he said gently, an ache forming in his heart. He didn’t like where this conversation might be leading. Surely God wouldn’t...
Jodi had lost a love on the mission field. It was only natural she’d hesitate to face the possibility of reliving something like that again. He should have recognized that earlier. They’d talked tentatively of a future together. No promises. No timelines. Yet clearly moving in that direction. But he wasn’t being fair to her. “You don’t want me to go, do you?”
“I— It’s not that I don’t want you to go if that’s where God is leading you. It’s that I want you to be sure. Drew wants you to be sure.”
“I’m certain, Jodi. God put this on my heart years ago when He called me away from a job I loved. He gave me a purpose. His purpose.”
“Or a means to pay Him back because you took one of His most valuable players out of the game?” He flinched inwardly, and apparently startled by her own words, Jodi reached out to grasp his arm. “I’m sorry, Garrett. I shouldn’t have said it like that.”
God, please don’t take this where I think you’re taking it. Don’t ask me to— “I know you mean well, Jode, but—”
“You and I’ve been friends since we were kids, and in these weeks since I came back to town, I believe those bonds have greatly strengthened.” Her grip tightened on his arm, her eyes pleading just as his heart was now pleading before God. “We know each other well, maybe as well or better than anyone else knows us.”
Before he could open his mouth to respond, she rushed on. “I can’t pretend that I understand what you feel is the direction that God is asking you to go. But I wouldn’t be a true friend if I didn’t point out that this direction rings of taking up Drew’s dream—and not God’s will.”
He drew a breath, the ache inside growing heavier. Jodi, his sweet Jodi. The woman he’d only days ago come to believe might be the choice of God’s heart for him, doubted him. Doubted he’d heard from God.
Amid the heady feelings he and Jodi had cautiously expressed to each other, hadn’t doubts as to how things could work out still lingered on his part? Had God been trying to tell him that despite being head over heels for Jodi, that’s not the direction He wanted them to go? Had he, in his growing love, ventured too far from God’s intended purpose for his life when he’d allowed himself to reconnect with her?
She didn’t support him, couldn’t support him in this venture. And it was wrong of him to ask her to. To expect her to put her life on hold while he invested his in a dangerous corner of the world. To force her to live in fear of something happening to him just as had happened to her Anton.
But could he bring himself to sacrifice everything that he’d hoped and prayed for between the two of them? As much as he hated it, as much as it felt as if the chest that housed his heart was cracking, splintering, he had to.
For Jodi’s sake.
He reached for her hands, grateful that his weren’t shaking. “I believe...we’ve come to a crossroads.”
* * *
“What do you mean?”
Please, please, not what I think he means.
She tightened her grip on his hands, attempting to draw from them a strength she knew she didn’t possess. Not if, from the sorrowful look in his eyes, he was about to say what she feared he was preparing to say.
“We’ve been friends a long time, Jodi. Good friends.” His thumbs gently stroked the backs of her hands. “But as much as we might have recently hoped for something more, I’m now—very sadly—recognizing that friendship is all God wants us to share.”
Please, no.
Heart crumbling, she stared into Garrett’s unwavering gaze as she tried to form a response. But no words came. In her effort to help him, she’d pushed him too far. Right out of her life.
Although his eyes remained bleak, he offered a tentative smile. “Friendship isn’t a bad thing, Jode. Not an inferior thing, as some might believe. True friendships, like ours, stand the test of time. Far too many romantic ones often falter and fail.”
She ducked her head, not wanting him to see the pricking tears.
“I know this is catching you off guard. Believe me, it’s caught me off guard, too. I’d hoped—” He glanced away, then took a slow breath.
“Is it because I told Drew about your plans? Because I—”
“No, Jodi. It’s not anything you did or didn’t do. It’s about us. About listening to God. Being willing to obey when He shows us where to go. Only a few days ago, we agreed to that, remember? To put our trust in Him? But I have to admit, I didn’t expect an answer—this answer—to come so swiftly.”
She lifted her head. “We can’t...go in the same direction?”
He gave her hands a gentle squeeze as he looked down at her, his eyes filled with compassion. “I think you know the answer to that. You understand, don’t you, where I’m coming from?”
She swallowed. And nodded. She knew what he was saying. But understand?
I will not cry.
Gently pulling her hands away from his, she turned away, afraid he’d see the trembling of her lower lip. “I’d better get going.”
He caught her arm, his eyes alarmed. “Talk to me, Jodi. Don’t rush off. I didn’t mean for you to—”
“I’m not rushing off, but if I don’t go now, I’ll be late.” She paused to catch her breath in an effort to keep her voice from cracking. “I’m treating the project volunteers to lunch. Then we’re having a gift-wrapping party.”
As if she were in the mood for that now? Please, Lord, don’t let him invite himself along.
“It sounds like you have a busy afternoon planned.” He almost sounded hurt that she had plans that didn’t include him. But did he honestly think she’d want to hang out with him after what he’d just said?
With ice-cold fingers, she secured her scarf around her neck and turned to the door.
“If you want to, Jodi, we can talk about this more later.” He looked at her uncertainly, as if it finally dawned on him that something he’d obviously been giving considerable thought had come as a complete surprise to her. “I will be seeing you around, right? Before you leave town?”
She forced what she trusted would pass as a genuine smile. A good old tomboy-Jodi version as she fisted her hand and popped him lightly on the shoulder as she would have done when teasing him as a twelve-year-old. “Sure.”