by ANDREA SMITH
I knew that sounded judgmental, and I truly hoped like hell she could finally learn to cope. That through rehab and psychological counseling at the treatment center, she was getting the help she so desperately needed to heal. And to live the rest of her life not being miserable over something she couldn’t change. She needed to let it go. Get over it. Go on with her life.
As for me?
I would never completely give my heart away. I may loan it out on occasion, as I saw fit, but it would always be mine to own and protect.
If I’d learned anything through all of this, it was that people need to accept the fact that life is what you make it. You define your future, as well as your successes or failures going forward. Life is what you make it. It’s not what other people make for you.
No fucking way.
Not ever.
Chapter 11
July 24, 1994
I’d been at Daddy’s for exactly two weeks and I hadn’t had a chance to talk to Laura yet, other than to say ‘hi’ or ‘bye’ to her in passing. I’d been hanging with Seth almost daily, but we were always going here or there in his car, or when we were at his house, it was only for him to grab his keys, or a jacket, or his wallet.
I walked down the road toward their house. I knew Seth had started his summer acting workshop at the Pasadena Playhouse. It went from ten until four, three days a week, which kind of sucked, but he was really into it so I pretended to be happy for him. I wished I had some of my painting stuff with me, but there was no way I could’ve lugged all of that crap on an airplane.
I decided to take a walk down to Seth’s. It was a little after three so I thought maybe I’d have some time to visit Laura for a bit before he rolled in. The fact I hadn’t done that yet felt kind of rude.
Rita let me in, greeting me in her usual cheerful way. I asked if Laura was home, and she directed me out to the patio.
As I stepped from the cool house out onto the sunny patio, Laura looked up from where she was reading something at the table and smiled. “Well, it’s about time you stopped over to visit with me, Neely,” she said, motioning for me to take a seat next to her.
“I’m sorry, m’am,” I said, sinking down into a chair. “I know I should’ve stopped by sooner.”
“Oh Lord, you’re back to the m’aming me. I certainly know why Seth refers to you as Tennessee,” she finished, flashing me a warm smile.
I laughed with her, “Sorry—Laura,” I corrected. “Am I interrupting you?”
“Not at all,” she replied, shaking her head, “I absolutely love the interruption. I’m reading over a script and, to be honest, it stinks. I think I’ll be telling my agent to take a hike if he continues sending over crap like this. Would you like some tea?” she asked, nodding toward the tray that had been placed on the table with tall frosted glasses and a pitcher of iced tea. Slices of lemon were floating inside.
“Sure, thanks,” I replied, “I’ve got it.” I filled a glass and took a sip. The tea here wasn’t quite as sweet as what I was used to back home.
“So, how’s your mother doing, Neely?” Laura asked as she took a sip of her tea.
I considered whether I really wanted to go there with Laura. The easiest thing to do would be to lie and get off the subject with a simple, “Oh, much, much better, thank you.”
“She’s not doing very well. We’re moving out of my grandparents’ home as soon as I get back. Mama isn’t getting along with them very well.”
“Oh? I’m sorry to hear that, honey. Is…”
I knew what she was going to ask, but for some reason she stopped herself. She probably thought it wasn’t good breeding to inquire about Mama’s drinking, but I had no issue with it.
“Yes, she’s still drinking. That’s the reason we’re moving out of my grandparent’s house. Going to another small town, far enough up the road that people won’t be in Mama’s business anymore. At least that’s what she says.”
Laura reached over, and her hand gently brushed a lock of hair from my face. “I know you’ve been through a lot this year, Neely. I can’t imagine how tragic this all feels to you—at your young age to have your life torn apart the way it has been. Sometimes adults make mistakes. It’s just a damn shame when it spills over onto their children.”
I shrugged, not sure what to say because she was right. I felt like the victim in all of this drama. The victim of something I had nothing to do with.
“Have you forgiven your father yet?”
“What choice do I have? He’s my father. I have to forgive him I guess. I don’t have it in me to hate him.”
“Well, honey, have you thought about living here with him?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I have. But, it’s not an option. Mama would never allow it, for one thing. And even if Daddy went through the courts and won, well who would be there to look after Mama? I’m all she really has, you know?”
Laura gazed over at me thoughtfully. “You’re such a beautiful person, Neely. You’re just so young. I hate to see you in a situation like the one you’re in. I know that Seth and you were…are close. It’s just a shame what’s happened.”
“Thank you,” I replied, taking a sip of my tea. Laura tapped her fingers against the tabletop, and I knew there was more she wanted to say. She was trying to figure out how to say it I suspected.
“You know, Neely, Seth’s going to a new school in the fall.”
“Performing Arts, I know,” I replied, “He doesn’t talk about anything else most of the time.”
She laughed good-naturedly. “I can only imagine. He’s had that dream for as long as I can remember. I think it all started when he was just a toddler. I would sometimes take him to the set with me. He learned the business literally at my knee, as they say. I guess he’s as passionate about his craft as you are about your painting. Both so talented. This is such a great opportunity for him.”
“I know it is, Laura. I’m really happy for him.”
She sighed, and leaned closer. “I’m beating around the bush, aren’t I? she asked.
“Yep. A little bit.”
“Okay. Woman to woman then, because it seems like you’ve become one over the past seven months. You are incredibly pretty and well, I know Seth simply adores you, Neely. Trust me, I am not trying to pry into your personal business, but he is my son, my oldest and I can see where you two spend a lot of time together. Sometimes alone.”
She cleared her throat, and downed a bit more of her iced tea. “I was young like you at one time. And my home life? Well, it wasn’t a pretty one either. My parents fought constantly, and when they did, they fought dirty. I was the oldest, with two younger brothers. At times, I felt like I had to be the adult for them. It wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t a healthy situation. So, I guess what I’m saying is that in a way, I can empathize with what you’ve been going through.”
“I appreciate that, Laura, but I’m not looking for anyone’s pity, please. That makes me feel even worse.”
“Oh no—no, honey. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that at all. You see, the point I’m trying to make—and evidently, failing miserably at, is that at your young age you might be inclined to take a path to get out of the situation you’re currently in with your family. An escape mechanism.”
“An escape mechanism?” I asked, not following her at all.
“Well, I just want to make sure that you and Seth are being…responsible. And careful. You’re both so young. You have so much living to do before—”
“You think we’re having sex?”I asked, my voice louder than I intended. I was not only embarrassed, but I was kind of horrified that she’d be having this talk with me instead of her son.
She waved her hand dismissively. “I’m not here to drill or lecture you, honey. I just wanted you to know that I understand, because believe it or not, I was once where you are now, and I was tempted to find some way out.”
Now I got it. “Oh, so you’re worried that since my
parents have split, and I’ve been taken away from my dad—and my boyfriend, I might try to trap him with getting pregnant?”
Her face blushed crimson telling me I’d hit the nail right on the head. “No-no, not at all. I know you’d never do that on purpose, honey. I’m just saying that, with teens, emotions and hormones can run amuck. You’ll get through this, Neely, because you’re an intelligent, talented girl that possesses a lot of strength for one so young. All I’m saying is that if you should find yourself, well, in a sexual situation, that you make sure precautions are taken so you don’t get into any trouble,” her voice trailed off.
In trouble?
Did people still used that phrase? Laura wasn’t that old, was she?
I won’t lie, what she’d just said to me I found a bit screwed up. I wasn’t desperate. Yeah, my situation pretty much sucked, but I wasn’t trash and I never would be. Then again, I wasn’t about to lash out at Seth’s mother. Someone who, up until now, had always been sweet and supportive towards me.
“Laura,” I said, my eyes meeting hers, “you don’t have to worry. Seth and me? Well, we haven’t crossed that bridge. I’m only fifteen. I care about Seth. I wouldn’t do anything to screw up his life, no matter how bad mine is right now.”
I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I was hurt that she thought I was that desperate, or that sneaky that I’d do something like that on purpose.
“Oh dear,” she said, her teeth tugging at her bottom lip. “I didn’t mean to upset you, honey. I’m so sorry. Please...please don’t cry.” She reached over and rubbed my shoulder with her hand. “If it makes you feel any better, I had this talk with Seth.”
It did make me feel a little better, but also way curious.
“You did? What’d he say?” I asked.
“Basically, the same thing you said, but I know how that goes. Sometimes you just kind of get caught up in the moment. Trust me. Seth was Kent’s and my little ‘surprise.’”
“He was?” I asked, my eyes widening. “You mean…he was an accident?”
“Well, I prefer to say a surprise, but that’s not really accurate when you don’t bother with a condom,” she replied with a laugh. “I mean, I don’t regret him for a minute. It worked out very well for all concerned, but sometimes it doesn’t, honey. That’s all I’m trying to say here.”
“I understand, Laura. And please, don’t worry. I’m not ready to take that step anyway. And Seth has never pressured me or anything,” I finished, feeling my cheeks warm because that part was an out-and-out lie, but I wasn’t going to rat out my boyfriend.
The truth was, over the past few weeks, Seth and I had gotten into some pretty heavy-duty petting. (I hated that word, but really, there wasn’t any other word to use.) I was the one responsible each and every time to put a stop to going any further, and he wasn’t happy about it.
“Come on, Neely.” he rasped, his hands moving over my breasts, his breathing coming harder and faster as his lips traced a path down my throat to my chest. “You know it’s what we both want.”
“Seth,” I pleaded, “I think we’re too young for this. It’ll change everything between us.”
“I know,” he replied, his other hand slipping down beneath the fabric of my shorts, “it’ll make everything so much better. You’ll officially be mine and I’ll be yours.”
His fingers now explored the most private parts of me; his tongue traced a nipple causing me to shiver with pleasure, and my resolve was quickly slipping away. I had only seconds to turn the situation around and return to safe ground. I had known that much. But did I want to?
My mind said ‘yes’ but my hungry body wasn’t so sure I wanted any of this to stop. This was Seth. My Seth. My boyfriend. Wasn’t this the type of thing that boyfriends were supposed to do? Wasn’t it natural and human to desire one another in a sexual way?
I damned myself for not putting every doubt or reservation out of my fifteen-year-old mind and simply going with it, because that would have been the easiest thing to do. And it would prove my love for Seth, just as he wanted to prove his love for me.
But in my Neilah Grace Evans way that is not what I had done. The thought that Seth had actually never declared his love for me with words somehow nagged at me. Sure, his letters always ended with ‘Love, S.,’ but he’d never actually written ‘I love you,’ in them.
Oh, I had said it to him once. That day Mama had packed us up and was ready to strip me from his life. It had been the very last thing I’d said to him in fact. But I’d been waiting all this time, through letters and phone calls from him to hear it back, and I never had.
So, I had picked that moment in time, with Seth’s hands and lips all over me, to use that one little detail to propel me to stop him from going any further.
“Stop it,” I snapped, my hands snaked up between us and I managed to push his head away from me. “I’m just not ready for this.”
He’d been pissed. For one of the first times ever, Seth had been pissed at me. “Fuck, Neely,” he snarled, “how the hell am I supposed to deal with this?”
I wasn’t exactly sure what ‘this’ meant. His horniness? My reluctance? Our long distance relationship?
We hadn’t discussed it further. I’d put my top back on, he’d adjusted himself in his jeans, and then drove me home in silence.
That had been last night.
And today’s talk with Laura sealed the deal. This wasn’t going to work. No matter how much I cared for him, or how much he cared for me, this just couldn’t work when I lived halfway across the country.
“Do you care if I go up to Seth’s room?” I asked Laura as she started to skim through the dreaded script once again. Things had grown a bit uncomfortable I guess after our talk. “I left a couple of my CDs up there and wanted to get them.”
“Sure honey, you go right ahead. He should be home in thirty or forty minutes. And Neely?”
I turned from where I now stood at the patio door.
“How about we keep our little talk just between us girls?” she asked, giving me a smile and a wink.
“Sure, Laura. No problem.”
Up in Seth’s room, I gazed around. The painting I’d done of him still hung over his bed. Just like he said, he hadn’t put Wayne Gretzky back up there.
My eyes moved over to his desk. There was his birthday present from me. He’d gone over to our patio and picked it up like I’d told him to do.
It was a clay pot, in the shape of a heart. I’d fired it and then painted it in a colorburst glaze called Black Iris. It was mostly black, but had flecks of red and gold in it for a rich, masculine look. I’d etched our names inside the bowl.
‘Seth + Neely = 4-Ever’
I fingered the etching gently, thinking how childish it seemed seven months later. Seth had placed it right next to his computer monitor. He’d just gotten one this summer. He would need it for school he said. He’d asked if I had one so that we could start emailing one another.
Sadly, I told him a computer was not in my immediate future. It wasn’t that Daddy wouldn’t have bought one for me if I asked, because I knew that he would have. But what good would that do? How would I get it back home? Besides, Mama probably wouldn’t allow me to bring anything he bought me into the house anyway.
I sat down on Seth’s bed, and picked up his bongo drums from the floor. My hands started a rhythmic tapping, going back and forth between the two, banging out some tune I’d heard him play before. He was actually pretty good on percussion.
I needed to stop beating around the bush here. I hadn’t come up here to pick up anything of mine. Just the opposite. I’d come up here to leave something of Seth’s.
I set the drum down, and scooted off the bed, going over to his desk. I picked up a pen and a sheet of paper out of his printer. I hesitated momentarily, searching my brain for the right words.
Were there any right words for this?
Seth,
Decided to
go back to Tennessee early. Good luck with your new school. I hope everything goes well for you there! I think both of us are too young for promises.
Love,
Neely
I pulled the promise ring he’d given me from my finger and dropped it into the heart bowl I’d made for him, listening to it clatter against the glazed ceramic surface. I folded up the note and placed it on the top so he’d easily see it. And then placed it on his bed, so he wouldn’t miss it.
I wiped a tear from my cheek, and took one last look around his room. I walked to the bedroom door, and my fingers rubbed against one of his hoodies that hung on the door knob. I lifted it up, and buried my face into the soft fleece. I allowed a couple of sobs to escape, while breathing in his scent one last time.
Laura was right. Everything she said to me was true. And she said it out of love for her son, and concern for the both of us, I’m sure.
We were both so young. Distance had separated us from exploring anything other than our own futures apart. The most we could ever be to one another were pleasant and happy memories of our youth.
I’d had more than four years of being Seth Drake’s friend; and for seven and a half months of that, his girlfriend. He was my first boyfriend. He’d given me my first kiss. He was responsible for my knowing how love felt, however fleeting, it was, and awakened other physical feelings within me that someone else would eventually fulfill.
It wouldn’t be Seth, and that fact saddened me, but I understood the practical part of all of this.
Laura was right.
She was so damn right.
Mama and Grandma were at the airport in Nashville waiting for me at the gate. As soon as I came through the door I saw them.
“Neilah Grace, over here!” Mama called out waving frantically. Her face was as happy as I’d seen it since before our family had imploded into misery all those months ago.
I rushed over to where they stood, and Mama threw her arms around me, hugging me to her tightly. “Oh Neely,” she gasped, pulling back so she could look me over, “I’m so happy you decided to come home early. Aren’t we happy, Mama?” she asked, glancing over at Grandma.