Judge Flatt was later sentenced to a long prison term for being a Bad Judge, but by that time, the cats had all bought new business cards, so they kept their new name.
ORIGINS: Nobody has any idea where this animal comes from, or where it goes when it disappears. Three expeditions have been sent to the jungles of Cheshire, seeking the home of the cat, but they all disappeared after sending back a messenger to say that the air smelt of delicious cheese.
SIZE: The same size as a domestic cat, but much lighter in weight.
UNUSUAL THINGS: The cat’s coat has ginger and gold stripes, but when the cat is ready to disappear, the colours change and get dimmer, until they fade away, leaving just a grin.
IS A THREAT TO: The cat likes to eat Schrödinger’s Cheshire mice, but these are very hard to find, which is why the cats aren’t very heavy. Some scientists think that when the cat disappears, it is because it has died of starvation, others think it has just gone hunting the mice somewhere else. When a cat appears, its breath often smells of Cheshire cheese, so it may also be threatening to cheeses. This probably explains why they were originally called Cheshire cheese cats.
USES: A few people have tried using them as paperweights to stop papers blowing away. If you think about it, this is not a good idea, not when they can just fade away without warning, just as the wind blows.
HATES: Fruitcake, locked boxes, boxes that can be locked, snickering lizards that make them want to go away and hide in a box, and pudding monsters who think it is funny to throw a pudding right through a Schrödinger’s Cheshire cat while it is disappearing. If pudding monsters can get three puddings through the same fading cat before it fades out, they call it a cat trick.
LIKES: Misguided copywrong pirates. The cats like to collect forgeries of postage stamps, because they say that imitation is the sincerest form of philately. They really enjoying thinking outside the box (unlike sinking geese, who say that what they really enjoy is sinking outside the box).
This monster is usually very happy looking, but if a Schrödinger’s Cheshire mouse has just disappeared as it was about to become dinner, the cat can look quite sad. If it smells fruitcake, it looks very sad indeed. Any cat that comes and goes without any sound from the cat flap is probably a Schrödinger’s Cheshire cat.
Ever wondered how brass instruments in an orchestra or a band make so much noise? It’s because of the brass snakes that live inside each instrument. The snake sits quietly until the player begins to play which always means biting the snake’s tail. When they do this, it lets out a massive shout. The rest of the sounds come from how hard the player bites on the tail, the shape of the instrument and, in the case of the trombone, how much the brass snake is stretched when the slide is moved in and out.
The difference between a good brass player and a bad one is that good players bite gently, just hard enough so that the brass snake sings sweetly, rather than bellowing in agony. Brass snakes that are being trained often get dizzy and wriggle a lot with the pain, but all that reeling and writhing pays off in the end.
ORIGINS: Some people think that the brass snakes began as some sort of moat monster that climbed into a tuba, in the hope that it could bite the tuba player on the tongue and stop the infernal din. While this may sound like a good idea, a snake cannot bite anybody with their tail, which is always the part nearest to the player’s mouth.
SIZE: The brass snakes grow fast to fit the instrument they live in, and once they reach that size, they stop feeding on the musical scores that are common in concert halls.
UNUSUAL THINGS: Very few monsters are as musical as the brass snakes, which makes it even more puzzling that some of them will choose to live in tubas. The brass snakes that live in French horns are very lovable, but they like to perform with their mouths full. You can often see French horn players slipping small snacks to their brass snakes in the middle of a performance.
IS A THREAT TO: Violas. There is a theory that all of the world’s viola jokes are made up by brass snakes, who hope that if people are busy hating violas, they may not notice the snakes in the brass.
USES: Without the brass snakes, there would be no brass bands, which would be bad, but against that, without brass snakes, there would be no tubas, which would be good.
HATES: They hate being called a snake in the brass, but everybody calls them that. They also hate the smell of fish, and piano tunas that occasionally try to invade brass instruments. The thing they hate most is a plague of locusts, snails or leaping worms inside their instruments, because it makes itchy all over, so they can’t practise their scales.
LIKES: They say that their favourite food is marshmallows that have been roasted over a slow fire of burning violas, but this is just one of their jokes. They do like roasted marshmallows, though. They also like a nice piece of gorgonzola cheese before they perform, and hot salami snacks during the performance. This is why you should never stand in front of a brass instrument while it is being played. The smell is awful.
This monster is never seen; you only know it is there when you hear a brass instrument making a musical sound. If the instrument makes an unmusical sound like a clang, this may be a moat monster attack, an ambush by giant triangles, or a rare brass instrument avalanche. It doesn’t matter. At the sound of the first clang, run like mad!
Equinoxes only turn up for one day at a time, twice a year, in late March and late September. They were created by the evil Count Henry Blenkinsop, who took a dwarf Shetland pony and a sensible cow, cut each of them in half and glued the two front ends together, before making a sandwich out of the leftovers.
This made walking difficult for the equinoxes, until a scientist equinox called Ginger Rogers discovered that it was easy to go backwards, as long as you wear high-heeled shoes, and so long as the half that is going forwards wears patent leather army boots. So ever since then, one end of each equinox has worn high heels and gone backwards while the other half moves forward in shiny army boots.
They have a lot of trouble getting the shoes and boots on and off, and that is why you only ever see them out and about for two days in each year. Going out with their shoes and boots on is so much fun for them that they usually hire a brass band and have a procession somewhere.
As summer approaches, it is the turn of the sensible cow to wear the high heels, while the pony end bounds forward, and we call the animal a springing equinox. Then as winter comes, the pony end wears the high heels, but it often trips, which is why some people call it a falling equinox or just a fall equinox.
The rest of the year, most equinoxes stand around in a hidden field, feeding, shambling to a new spot to feed again, or with both heads turned around, it may chat with its other half. For a good gossip session, a dozen or more of the equinoxes form a circle, so both ends can look at the person they are talking to without having to contort themselves. A few of the equinoxes have made it into show business.
Busby Berserkeley was perhaps the most famous show-biz equinox and was well known for his party tricks. By eating from both ends, he could consume 5 litres of icecream in two thirds of a minute. This trick was recorded in a documentary called ‘Forty-second treat’. After performing this, Berserkeley was hailed as a cool cat. Despite this, Busby never put on weight, and when people saw him they would shout ,‘Hey, Big Slender!’
ORIGINS: Count Henry Blenkinsop made them, but it was an accident.
SIZE: The same size as half a small pony and half a sensible cow.
UNUSUAL THINGS: The two ends both like to wear top hats, which Ginger Rogers said would make them look more debonair. They often read dictionaries, trying to find out what debonair means. Most of them are fairly clumsy monsters, so it is probably good they hardly ever get out.
IS A THREAT TO: Steam comes out of all their nostrils if they are shown a picture of Count Henry Blenkinsop, so if they had the chance, they would probably threaten him. Pool sharks are frightened of equinoxes, but the equinoxes do their best and try really hard not to tread on them.
<
br /> USES: They are quite good at marching, and a few of them have been able to get work in Hollywood in the crowd scenes of musicals, but they are unreliable unless the filming is done on one of the two equinox days.
HATES: They really hate atonal music, rap music, waltz music, any sort of music that you can’t march to.
LIKES: John Philip Sousa; brass instruments (even tubas); parades and processions of any sort at all. Their favourite game is Chinese Whispers, because they can slip all sorts of puns into the game. Equinoxes really like puns.
This monster is nearly always accompanied by a hairyoddity or impish brass band, so you can hear them coming. Listen for the mix of boots crashing and high heels clacking, and look out for some small things with two heads. You cannot possibly mistake them for hairyoddities, but a lively intelligent cabbage is quite similar in personality. Luckily, equinoxes are never green, unless they have been painting.
You should never jump in a mud puddle, because there might be a nervous mud alligator hiding just under the surface. Mud alligators are vegetarians, but they are very nervous, and they have very strong jaws. If you frighten a mud alligator, it might bite you on the foot, and while it would apologise afterwards, you would still have a nasty bruise.
Mud alligators are very adaptable, and they have been known to change their colour so they can hide in beetroot soup, pumpkin soup, pea soup, custard, and even in melted ice cream and milk. Watch out for a slight muddy taste in what you are eating (most scientists think mud actually improves the taste of beetroot soup, but that throwing it out is even better). A tell tale sign is noses poking through the surface of the liquid.
Mud alligators don’t like to be swallowed but as they always hide in food means they are always in danger of having this very thing happen. As the level in the bowl drops, mud alligators will make a distracting sound (like a doorbell, a telephone or a loud car horn) and, while everybody is looking the other way, will slip out of the bowl and swish across the floor to hide under your bed.
One way to find out if you have a mud alligator under your bed or not is to leave out a saucer of milk. If the level is higher in the morning, there is a mud alligator hiding in the milk. If the level is lower, you probably have a Schrödinger’s Cheshire cat in the room (or you did). If the saucer is upside down, you may have a bucket bogle that tried to hide under the saucer, and if it is broken, there may be quarking ducks under the bed. If the saucer is gone, a sinking goose may have borrowed it to use as a boat.
There is one catch with this test: morphing murphies know about it, and they try to plant false evidence when it suits them. Goth ravens also try the same tricks, but goth ravens often make silly mistakes like leaving feathers or milky footprints.
ORIGINS: Nobody knows where they come from, probably because they are so hard to see. They might have developed anywhere at all, and might live anywhere at all.
SIZE: About 6 centimetres long fully grown, mostly jaws.
UNUSUAL THINGS: Mud alligators have soft, round teeth, which is probably why they have turned vegetarian. They can walk on their short legs, though their walking usually looks more like a series of lunges and flops.
IS A THREAT TO: Any clumsy quarking duck silly enough to march through the mud alligator’s puddle. The quarking ducks often waterproof their boots with olive oil, so the mud alligators treat the boots as a sort of crunchy fruit. Cabbages and broccoli are terrified of them.
USES: Good for keeping quarking ducks away. They are easily offended, but make good pets. They also do a good job of keeping young and very confused dangerous goldfish out of milkshakes.
HATES: The sound of a thunderstorm, because a storm sounds like a really big thunderguts. They are nervous about custard if there are forgetful elephants around, because forgetful elephants never remember to check their food for alligators before they start eating.
LIKES: Nuts, especially brazil nuts. It also likes challenges, so if you lay a tartan rug on the floor, any mud alligators will squeal with delight and climb onto the rug, trying to match the colours. The squealing is so high that we don’t hear it, but if your dog is wincing, there may be a few excited mud alligators around. When mud alligators go on holidays, they like to snorkel in tropical swamps.
This monster is rather like a very small crocodile, though with better-developed manners. Proper crocodiles lunge and flop across the floor at you, while an annoyed mud alligator asks first, and stops when you tell it to.
The invisigoths should not be confused with the visigoths, who use only bright colours in their clothing. They are the same species, but they separated hundreds of years ago to make two tribes with completely different habits and tastes. When the visigoths sacked Rome, the invisigoths came along with bags and took all the best of the loot, and the visigoths still haven’t forgiven them. You won’t find it mentioned in the history books though, because nobody saw the invisigoths. The visigoths say that what matters is that they never saw any of the good loot.
They are nomadic monsters, expert in the art of camouflage and they live on roast underbed bear. You won’t ever see them, but the tribe can be detected by the faint aroma of roast bear haunch, or the crunch of bear bones in the teeth of the invisigoths. You won’t ever hear the invisigoths walking, though, because the invisigoths wear silent boots, unlike their underbed bears, which are very noisy.
Their custom of eating bears began long ago, when their chieftain, Obesius Magnus, was told to lose weight. ‘Just eat the bare essentials,’ said the doctor. Guess what? Obesius got it wrong, though he claimed it was because he had been keeping an ear to the ground and his ear was full of mud.
Wild underbed bears are now a thing of the past, but the invisigoths have their own domesticated bear herds, which they feed on breadcrumbs, carried along in small wheelbarrows. You can see where the invisigoths have been by the lines of birds eating the spilt crumbs, but if you happen to see Hansel and Gretel, you are in the wrong story. Go back the way you came, and do not eat any houses you pass.
On the way, if you see a little girl in a red riding hood, tell her to get her eyes checked. I mean, who would ever be fooled by a wolf in grandma clothing?
ORIGINS: Most people think that the invisigoths are just shy visigoths, but those people have never seen an invisigoth. Neither have I, so what would I know? According to the invisigoths, they come from the little-known country of Cold Urticaria, where they used to live in tastefully renovated beehives.
SIZE: Small enough to walk over your bed at night without you feeling them, but there is no need to worry: they are only there looking for fallen branches to make a fire to roast underbed bears.
UNUSUAL THINGS: Invisigoths love skiing, which shows that they are not very clever. Think about it: messing around on slippery slopes where people are going really fast—and you are almost invisible! It’s just as well for them that gutter otters don’t ski!
IS A THREAT TO: Pudding monsters which they like to stalk and catch on steep hills. They cram the pudding monsters into small barrels and roll them down hills. You can ask them why they do this if you can find some, but they won’t tell you.
USES: They are really useful for getting rid of pudding monsters, unless you live at the bottom of a hill. If you get them tamed and trained, you can get them to lie over the mess in your house, which makes it disappear when snooty neighbours and relatives come to visit. They can even cover you, like a cloak of invisibility when great aunts with loud voices come to visit and want to smooch you. They are the only monsters worth asking if you need a name for an unusual shade of beige.
HATES: Bright colours, low-flying St Bernard’s carrier pigeons, eating with molar moles.
LIKES: They really like pink elephants because they are the only other living things that can see them, and so the only monsters that do not tread on them. Also, the pink elephants help them haul their ski gear. Nobody knows why, but invisigoths really like climbing trees. Perhaps they do it to escape being trodden on by anybody who can’t see t
hem. They really enjoy inventing new shades of beige and naming them. The last time they checked, they had 53 tins of beige paint with distinct names.
This monster is the one that you hardly ever see, because it is an expert in camouflage. It looks like something. Probably. I think. Maybe.
Underbed bears are never a problem, because they are very peaceful. This is because they are herded by the invisigoths, and over thousands of years, the bad temper of the wild underbed bear was bred out of them because the invisigoths always ate the cranky bears first. Now, they are just like bearish sheep or sheepish bears.
The tame underbed bears are not very bright, and their feet are so delicate that they hurt when they tread on the breadcrumbs, so they wear big iron shoes, and this is why they are noisy. Underbed bears are very easily upset, and they are very bad at doing sums.
They hate apples, so if you say to an underbed bear ‘If I give you an apple and I take it away, how many apples will you have?’, it will burst into tears. This is because you talked about giving the bear an apple, then you gave the bear a sum to do, and then you took the apple away, just when they were starting to make friends with it. Underbed bears just don’t get it. By the way, the reason they hate apples is because the bears know instinctively that roast bear tastes very good with apple sauce.
ORIGINS: These are tame bears, herded by invisigoths, but originally they were just like the wild underbed bears. They seem to be related to the cryptobears, which are very clever, unlike the underbed bears. That’s what the cryptobears say, anyhow.
The Monster Maintenance Manual Page 12