by H. L. Logan
“What are you going to be up to today?” he asked, scooping eggs onto my plate out of the skillet.
“Oh, just go play some more guitar, see where that gets me.”
“Fun!” he said, and it didn’t sound sarcastic.
Like with Emily, I didn’t feel that Ryan judged me for being a musician. Or maybe he did, and his overly enthusiastic demeanor just masked it. Either way, I wasn’t uncomfortable talking to him about it, even though he was pretty successful.
And though he was very successful, I never envied him. He went to work early, and he came home late, always exhausted, always eating baked chicken and broccoli on the couch after working out at the gym.
This was what I’d been talking about when I’d spoken to Emily about a scheduled life. Ryan’s life seemed horribly, tragically boring. I knew he was happy with it, but still, the thought of living like him made me just the slightest bit nauseated. I just didn’t know how the hell he could maintain his lifestyle and not get sick of it.
“Anything out of the ordinary for you?” I asked him.
“Nope, just work. Oh, I have an after-work meeting, so I’ll be home later than usual.”
“Are you still going to the gym after?” I asked.
“Yep!” he said, in his usual enthusiastic way. “Every day except the weekends!”
I smiled at him. “It might not kill you to let up a little, you know,” I encouraged.
“And it doesn’t kill me to keep going!” he said with a grin as he scarfed eggs into his mouth.
It was the first time this had occurred to me, but maybe his need to always be on the go wasn’t because he was a total workaholic, but rather because he was trying to avoid the pain of his recent break-up. That would make sense… it was certainly a feeling I could relate to, though I handled it a bit differently.
He must have been running late this morning. That explained why he was already wearing his suit before cooking and was in a rush to eat. Normally he sat down and seemed to enjoy his food. This morning, he was stuffing his face at the counter as he poured coffee into his travel mug.
“Okay, I’ve got to go,” he said as he started screwing on the lid to his mug. “I’ll see you later. Oh, by the way, if you want to go grocery shopping, you know you can borrow my credit card for some food. It’s in the drawer.”
God, he was so generous. He had always been a seriously nice guy, but I’d never known just how nice.
“Oh Ryan, that’s super awesome of you, but I’ve been making enough money playing guitar to get my own food. It’s not a problem. And, hey, if things go as well as they have been going, I’ll be able to contribute to rent next month, too, if you don’t mind having me around still.”
He squished up his face and gave a quick wave of his hand. “No, no, you don’t need to contribute, it’s not a big deal. I really don’t mind having you around at all. Anyway, I’ll see you later?”
“Yep,” I said, nodding at him, “see you later.”
After he left, I finished up my eggs at a much slower pace than he had and then got dressed, grabbed my guitar, and left.
I went to the same corner I’d gone to the last few days. It’d seemed to get a lot of attention and so far nobody had tried to kick me off it, which did happen pretty often when you were street performing.
Although in most places, this early in the morning was not the best time to be doing street performances. Usually lunchtime was best, and that was still true here at Beasley, but I got more traction here in the morning than I would at other locations, so I didn’t mind being here early at all.
I attributed this to the fact that most students had morning classes. Every hour or so, I got a burst of foot traffic from people going to and leaving from class, which was when I got the most attention.
I was close to the cafeteria, too, so of course, lunch was even better. A few people had even made it a point to sit at some benches across the way from me and listen to my music while they ate and hung out with their friends. That was really nice; it made me feel wanted around here. It was a much different vibe than I’d been expecting, and I couldn’t have been more grateful.
It was during the middle of lunch when I was strumming along that I heard a voice yell ‘hey’ at me. At first, I thought maybe it was going to be someone telling me that I wasn’t allowed to play here, but when I looked up, I saw a familiar face.
It was Emily.
“Hey,” I said to her with a smile.
“You’re Kaitlyn, from the bar the other day.”
“That’s me.” I tried to contain my excitement.
“I know you mentioned doing street performance, but I didn’t realize you’d be performing here at Beasley,” she commented.
I set my guitar down and stood up. I didn’t like sitting on the concrete curb with her hovering over me. I wanted to be on equal footing.
“Well, I thought I’d give it a try. There seemed to be a lot of foot traffic around this corner, so why not?”
“And how’s it going out here?” she asked, glancing around.
“Good! I’m thinking I might stick around here for a while. See how it goes. I’m playing it all by ear.”
She seemed happy to see me, which was encouraging. That probably meant she hadn’t lied about having an emergency with her roommate the other day. And that she probably hadn’t specifically tried not to give me her number, but instead, really had to leave.
After all, she’d seen me while walking by. I hadn’t seen her. She easily could have walked past me and never said a thing, and I’d have been none the wiser. The fact that she’d stopped and talked to me meant she’d had a reason to, which made me feel considerably more confident.
“How’s your roommate?” I asked her.
“Oh, you remembered!” She seemed touched by this. “She’s okay. She got in a car accident. Her car is a disaster, but she got out without a scratch. That’s all you can really ask for when accidents happen, right?”
“Right,” I agreed. “Really glad to hear she’s okay.”
“Me, too.” She smiled politely.
The conversation was dying, and if I didn’t want her walking away without making a move again, I had to step in and try to make one now.
“Hey, I’m really glad I ran into you. Because you left the bar in such a hurry yesterday, I didn’t get the chance to grab your number or anything.”
She started to blush, but I pretended not to notice. “Oh, right, yeah!” she said. “I wanted to get yours, too. Here, let me grab my phone, and you can program it in.”
“Sure,” I said. I reached in my pocket and grabbed my own phone to hand to her.
We exchanged numbers pretty quickly, and after that, I couldn’t think of much else to say. It seemed she couldn’t either.
“Well, I guess I should let you get back to playing. I’m sure you don’t want to lose out on money standing around and talking to me,” she said, laughing awkwardly.
Actually, that was exactly what I wanted to do.
“I was finishing up for now, actually,” I lied. Before she’d walked by, I’d had no such plans. “I was just about to go grab some lunch.”
“Oh, really? Me too.”
“Nice! You want to eat together?” I asked, a lot more confident now that we’d exchanged numbers. That was a definite sign she was interested in me.
“Sure, yeah! That sounds great! I was just going to go to the cafeteria, unless you have somewhere else you’d rather go? I have meal points there.”
“Oh, nope, the cafeteria is perfect with me. As long as non-students can eat there?” I questioned.
“Yep! We’re allowed to bring guests. Should be no problem at all.”
“Awesome, let me just pack up my guitar and we’ll go.”
I turned around to put my guitar back in my case and locked it up with the money I’d gotten today. While my back was to her, I let out the grin I’d been holding back.
6
Emily
I could
n’t deny that since I’d met Kaitlyn, I’d been thinking about her. She’d definitely been a constant fixture in my thoughts lately, though I’d been doing my best to avert my attention.
I’d been doing a pretty good job of it, too. I knew how badly I needed to be focusing on school right now.
Even though I’d been regretting the fact that I hadn’t gotten Kaitlyn’s number, I’d told myself that was a good thing. That I needed to turn my attention to school and away from girls.
I hadn’t realized how much of a blessing it was that no woman had gotten my attention before. It truly was. It was very hard to get someone off your mind once they got your attention. Like, extremely fucking hard.
And I barely even knew Kaitlyn! She was just a cute stranger from a bar. Imagine if I actually started dating someone… yikes.
So when I’d left class and seen Kaitlyn sitting on the curb playing her guitar, it had felt like both a blessing and a curse. It had been what I’d wanted to happen so badly, but really, I should’ve just kept walking.
That was what I’d told myself when I’d first seen her. Don’t do it, don’t talk to her, you’re finding it hard enough to focus without adding her into your world.
And I really was. Even in class a moment ago, I’d found myself drifting off in my thoughts and fantasies rather than paying attention to my professor during a crucial lecture. I was less motivated than ever to study. One night this week, I hadn't even bothered. I’d just watched movies with Abby and eaten junk food.
I guess I was just so done with school. After years and years of making it my number one and, many times, my only priority, I didn’t want to do it any longer. I was tired. I hadn’t had enough fun in my life, and hanging out with Kaitlyn at the bar had reminded me of that.
And that was why I’d ultimately decided to walk up to her. Because I deserved to have a little fun, right?
But now we were walking to the cafeteria together, and I was starting to doubt myself. I’d been planning to eat in the cafeteria and study. It was supposed to be my broccoli cheddar soup, my textbooks, and me.
That sure as hell wasn’t happening now. I couldn’t focus on anything but Kaitlyn as we made our way over there. Which was weird, considering it was a very picturesque walk, and I often found myself distracted by the flowers that surrounded the sidewalk and the lush greenery of the trees.
Today my surroundings might as well not have existed. Nothing seemed to exist outside of Kaitlyn’s gorgeous face.
“So, how have your first few days at Rosebridge been?” I asked her.
“Honestly? They’ve been fantastic. I’ve been really enjoying this place, and I’ve been making somewhat okay money performing here at Beasley, so I’m happy. I mean, as happy as I can be, all things considered.”
“Right.” I nodded sadly. “How are you holding up with all that?”
It was selfish, but I was really hoping she’d say she was holding up well. If she wasn’t and she still missed her ex, that meant I might not get a shot with her.
Which would be good, I guessed. I didn’t need a shot with her. I didn’t have time to date. I needed to focus on school; I absolutely had to. I could date when I got a job.
“You know, surprisingly well,” she answered, to my delight. “I’ve been keeping busy here, and my ex hasn’t called me, so I’m just feeling really free right now. Ready to build a whole new life, you know?”
“A whole new life?” I didn’t know why, it just seemed like weird phrasing to me.
I knew that she was moving to an all new place, of course, but did moving towns really constitute having a whole new life?
“Yeah, I’m in the rebuilding stage of my break-up. You know, when you have to scrap all the plans you had with your ex so you can try to make some new plans of your own?”
I didn’t know. I’d never had to do that.
“What kind of plans did you have with your ex?” I asked.
She sighed. “Oh, I don’t know. Just the general ones. Plans to get married, have kids, live in a nice house with the white picket fence, I guess.”
“Huh… from what you said about having a scheduled, mundane life the other day, I would’ve guessed the settled, white picket fence life wasn’t for you.”
She gave me a crooked smile. “Yeah, I could see how you’d think that. It doesn’t seem like the kind of lifestyle you’d choose if you’re spontaneous, but… I don’t know. The one thing I’m not spontaneous about is my relationships, I guess. I like to feel unbound by a steady life, just not in my relationships, in which I really like to be steady. I like the constant, regular support you get from being with someone you really care about. I always settle down in my relationships, I don’t know.”
I actually liked to hear this, and not just because I was fantasizing about us being in a steady, settled relationship… though I was. But I liked that she was multi-faceted. She was a mystery to me, hard to figure out, and that only made me more intrigued.
“That makes sense, actually,” I told her. “You can’t be free spirited all the time, right? You need something to ground you to the real world.”
“Exactly,” she agreed. “That’s exactly what I want from my relationships. I want them to ground me. And I also just really want kids. I can’t explain that desire, I guess. I just always have, I suppose it’s biology.”
“Well, and kids are spontaneous, too.”
She laughed. “Right? The funny thing is when people are making their settled, scheduled lives, they add kids into the mix, but they’re anything but. They’re like chaos in a small body.”
“I did a lot of babysitting of my younger cousins when I was a teen, so I can really attest to the fact that that’s true.”
She glanced over at me. “So you do or don’t like kids?”
“I do,” I told her. “I wasn’t really a fan of being forced to babysit or anything, but I really do like kids.”
“And do you like steady, grounded relationships?” she questioned.
“I imagine so,” I said accidentally.
“Imagine so?” she asked.
Dammit, this was something I really would have preferred to keep to myself for a while. I didn’t like the idea of seeming naïve or inexperienced to Kaitlyn. Though I couldn’t lie about it now.
“I actually haven’t had any relationships,” I admitted to her.
“Oh!” I could tell she was trying not to seem surprised by this fact. Trying to make her face as normal as possible.
“I know, it’s weird,” I said, as we got to the cafeteria doors. I held them open for both of us. “Someone at my age never dating? You don’t see that often.”
“Not really,” she admitted, “especially not with girls as cute as you. I can’t imagine you ever finding it hard to meet people who were interested in you.”
I blushed. “I mean, I’ve been hit on before. It’s not like people have been uninterested, but… I don’t know. Nobody has really caught my eye, you know?”
“Ahh…” she said softly. “So you’re the picky one?”
I laughed. “Yeah, I guess so.” I liked having this spin on it. That I was too picky for dating. Not that I was just some inexperienced, naïve dork who nobody had ever wanted to date.
“If I’d known you’d had such high standards, I might not have asked for your number,” she teased. “Wouldn’t want to waste my time or anything.”
She was definitely half flirting, half trying to get a read for whether or not I actually liked her.
I looked up at her as I scanned my meal card twice, once for myself and once for her. “You’re not wasting your time,” I told her honestly.
She gave a cocky smile and nod and then went to grab us some trays.
I got the broccoli cheddar soup I’d been craving with a side salad, and she grabbed some pasta that was on the buffet line before we took our seats.
Because I’d never done it before, I didn’t really understand the whole dating thing. I knew it came with a lot of rules
. I’d heard about them from Abby and a lot of her friends, as well as observing it in pop culture and stuff.
There were dumb ones that seemed arbitrary, like don’t sleep with someone until the third date if I wanted to show them I was serious. Some of them made sense, like always make the reach to pay even if you knew your date was going to insist on paying, so they knew you weren’t a mooch.
The one that was ringing over and over again in my head was that you didn’t get too personal on a first date or in the beginning of a relationship. Like, there were so many things you weren’t supposed to say in an effort to not scare them off. You weren’t supposed to talk about exes or speak about what you wanted in the future.
But before this date had even started, if you could call it one, we’d already broken those rules. We’d spoken very personally with each other from the get-go. And I liked it. I wasn’t scared off by her talking about her ex or the future. I was interested in everything she had to say, and I appreciated her honesty. I liked that it felt like we weren’t playing games.
Did that mean I could be just as honest, too? Because I wanted to be. I felt oddly comfortable with Kaitlyn, and I wanted to be able to just tell her what I was thinking. I had no interest in stressing myself out with the rules of dating. I just wanted to be myself with her as much as possible.
“Can I be painfully honest with you?” I asked her. “Even though we barely know each other, and there are probably things I should keep to myself.”
She smiled at me. “I like painful honesty, I really do. Shoot.”
“When I say nobody has caught my eye before, I mean nobody. Like, I can’t think of a single person that I’ve been attracted to in all my life. Which, I know is, like, super weird, but… whatever. My point is, ever since I saw you at the King’s Tooth, I’ve been thinking about you.”
She looked up from her food, which she had just taken a few bites of. “You have?”
“Yeah… I have. Not that I really know you or anything, but you’re cute, sweet, and interesting, and I think I may have a little bit of a crush on you.”