But for the moment she had more surprises where her mother was concerned, Lydia insisting on coming down to the kitchen with them when it came time for Scott’s tea. Much to Bessie Sykes surprise, Meg felt sure; the only time Lydia usually entered the kitchen was to discuss menus with her. Now she sat at the scarred and much-used wooden table encouraging Scott to eat his boiled egg and soldiers.
When her mother also came up to watch Scott enjoy his bath Meg felt she could contain her curiosity no longer. ‘Mother, what—?’
‘Not now, Meg darling,’ her mother cut in softly. ‘We’ll get Scott to bed first, hmm, and then I think I would like to talk to all of you before dinner.’
That sounded rather ominous, but in the circumstances Meg had no choice but to acquiesce. Sitting on the side of her bed long after her mother had departed and Scott had fallen asleep, she wondered what her mother could possibly want to talk to all of them about.
But it was Christmas, after all, and perhaps a time for miracles.
‘Everyone else is waiting downstairs.’
Once again Jed had come through the communicating doorway to her bedroom uninvited, but after this afternoon it would be churlish to deny him entry.
‘What do you think is going on, Jed?’ She gave a pained frown.
He shrugged. ‘I think the thaw has probably set in in more ways than one.’
Her eyes widened before she got up and moved to the window. Jed was right—the snow was starting to melt as the temperature rose, green grass showing where the snow had already melted in patches.
Which meant Jed would be leaving soon.
But it was what she wanted, wasn’t it? Jed gone, a return to her flat in London, so that she could get on with her life as she had before?
No, of course it wasn’t what she wanted.
But what she wanted she knew she couldn’t have, and if she had nothing else she would keep her pride.
She forced herself to smile as she turned to look at him. ‘That’s good news, isn’t it?’ she said brightly. ‘You’ll be able to leave in the morning now.’
‘So will you,’ he rasped, his eyes dark and unfathomable, his expression unreadable too.
‘I’m not sure.’ She shrugged. ‘I may stay on another couple of days or so.’ She hadn’t really thought about what she was going to do after today, only intent on establishing that, just because Jed was leaving, it didn’t mean she had to do so too.
Although staying on wasn’t such a bad idea. Scott would love it, and her mother seemed different, since Scott had presented her with his handmade star, so perhaps she would give staying on some more thought.
It was going to be so awful when Jed got in the Range Rover and drove away.
So awful that for a moment Meg felt as if her knees were going to buckle beneath her.
He would return to the cottage, possibly even New York, and she would never see him again.
Her chest ached at the thought, her throat felt constricted, those tears that had seemed so close to the surface the last few days now blurring her vision.
‘It’s going to be okay, Meg,’ Jed assured confidently, obviously misunderstanding the reason for those tears. ‘I’m sure this talk with your mother is going to change everything.’
Perhaps that part of her life was finally going to make sense—she certainly hoped so. And until two days ago she would have been content—more than content—with that. But knowing Jed had changed all that. Now it felt, with his imminent departure, as if the bottom had dropped out of her world.
Well, it wouldn’t be the first time.
And she had survived before; she would survive again.
She straightened determinedly. ‘Yes, of course it is.’ She nodded briskly, stepping away as Jed seemed far too close for comfort. For her control. If Jed should so much as touch her she might just break completely. And she was determined not to do that. ‘If you would like to go downstairs, I’ll join you all in a few minutes.’
He raised dark brows. ‘You aren’t going to change into that black dress again, are you?’ he asked.
Her eyes widened. ‘Why?’ She hadn’t intended to, had packed a red dress to wear this evening.
Jed shrugged. ‘You look edible in that dress.’ He grimaced wryly.
Meg felt her cheeks warm at the admission. ‘No,’ she assured him. ‘I’m not wearing the black dress this evening.’ The red dress, if anything, was even more figure-hugging than the black one.
‘That’s something, I suppose,’ he drawled. ‘Although I was wondering, as I’m not family—in fact, as we both know only too well, I’m actually a complete stranger—if it might not be better if I didn’t join you all until later?’
His reluctance made sense, of course it did. Her family might not be aware of it, but he was really nothing but an innocent bystander—a reluctant one at that—dragged into their midst out of the snow.
But she would miss him there at her side, knew she had come to rely on his silent support over the last few days. Not a good idea, when usually she could rely on no one but herself.
Although she had a feeling, if she wanted, that might be about to change.
And she couldn’t deny it would be wonderful to have the love of her family again.
Except that Jed was the man she loved.
She forced herself to give him a reassuring smile. ‘Of course.’ She nodded. ‘I’ll just explain to everyone that you’re working; they’re sure to understand.’ It might also have the benefit of being true; she was sure Jed had been working on his book again this afternoon. ‘Or perhaps you would like to go into the library and call your family?’ She remembered her suggestion of earlier. ‘I’m sure they would love to hear from you,’ she encouraged at his continued silence.
She had been talking because of that silence, didn’t understand why he had suddenly gone quiet; so far in their acquaintance she had never known Jed at a loss for words.
Perhaps it was that he would really rather leave now. The thaw was such that the main roads were sure to be clear enough to drive, and it was only ten miles or so to the cottage. Yes, maybe that was it. Jed just didn’t know, with everything else that was happening, how to tell her he was leaving.
‘You know, if you would like to go now, I’m sure that no one will mind,’ she told him brightly, her heart squeezing painfully inside her chest just at the thought of it.
‘Thanks, Meg,’ he rasped harshly. ‘That really makes me feel wanted.’
Wanted. She wanted him so badly she could barely breathe.
Although it seemed her remark had angered Jed. But then, nothing she seemed to say right now sounded in the least right to her, either.
‘Oh, come on, Jed,’ she attempted to tease. ‘Admit it, you’ll be glad to see the back of the Hamilton family.’
There was no answering smile on his face. ‘It’s certainly been different,’ he allowed dryly.
‘I’ll bet it has.’ This time her humour was genuine, trying hard to imagine how she would have felt in his place, sitting quietly in the cottage minding his own business when someone drove into the side of that cottage, that someone turning out to be a single mother and her young son, offering, in desperation to regain that privacy, to drive them to the family home, only to become embroiled in the seething emotions of that family.
No wonder he wanted to leave.
‘Time I got changed, I think,’ she added firmly in an effort to hold back ready tears. ‘Otherwise the family is likely to send out a search party. Too late!’ She grimaced as a knock sounded softly on her bedroom door, her father entering after pausing briefly.
‘We’re all having champagne downstairs, if you would like to come down and join us?’ he invited lightly, although the shrewd narrowing of his gaze told Meg he had picked up on the tension between Jed and herself.
‘I haven’t had time to change yet.’
‘Oh, I shouldn’t worry about that, Meg,’ her father dismissed. ‘It’s only cold buffet for dinner, and I thin
k we’ve all decided to stay exactly as we are.’
Her eyes widened at yet another change; this family always dressed for dinner.
‘I believe Jed would like to stay up here and carry on with his writing.’
‘Oh, no, that won’t do.’ Her father frowned. ‘That won’t do at all.’ He looked steadily at the younger man.
Meg had no idea what silent words passed between the two men, only knowing that they did, Jed shrugging before announcing that he had changed his mind, that the champagne sounded inviting.
‘But—’
‘Leave the man alone, Meg; everyone is entitled to change their mind when there’s champagne being served,’ her father teased.
Except they all knew that wasn’t the reason Jed had changed his mind.
And that it would only cause more embarrassment if Meg were to persist in the subject.
She gave Jed an apologetic look as they all went downstairs, receiving an encouraging smile in return, that ache in her chest only deepening at his silent support.
She hoped, for Jed’s sake, if not her own, that he would be able to leave in the morning.
Jed put a hand lightly under Meg’s arm and squeezed slightly as the two of them followed her father into the sitting-room where the rest of the family sat.
Meg had annoyed him earlier when she’d said he could leave now if he wanted to, but he held that annoyance in check, knowing that it wasn’t his own emotions that were important just now.
But that didn’t mean he wasn’t still angry, or that Meg’s obvious eagerness for him to leave hadn’t hurt.
He followed her across the room as she chose to sit in a chair slightly away from the rest of the family, positioning himself at the side of her chair as David brought them both a glass of champagne.
‘Come and sit over here, Meg,’ her mother encouraged huskily, patting the space beside her on one of the two sofas in the room, Sonia and Jeremy sitting on the other one.
Jed hoped, as he and Meg moved closer into the family circle, Meg on the sofa, Jed sitting on the carpet beside her, that the fact that Lydia now called her daughter by the name she preferred had to mean something. He hoped, for Meg’s and Scott’s sakes, that it meant the frost between Lydia and her children was about to melt.
‘First of all—’ Lydia gave them all a shaky smile ‘—I would like to drink a toast to my wonderful husband, David, who is so much wiser and braver than me, the person responsible for us all spending this wonderful Christmas together. Thank you, David.’ She held up her glass and drank, the rest of the family following her example with murmurs of ‘Daddy’ or ‘David’. ‘And to my two beautiful daughters,’ Lydia continued emotionally. ‘My lovely Sonia, so beautiful and accomplished. And Meg…’
Jed found himself holding his breath as he waited for what she had to say about her youngest daughter. In his eyes Meg was by far the most beautiful of Lydia’s twin daughters, her inner beauty making her shine from within. But he still had no idea whether Lydia was able to see that.
‘My lovely, lovely Meg.’ Lydia turned to her daughter, eyes glowing with emotion. ‘I’m so proud of you, Meg,’ she continued huskily. ‘Beautiful, warm, so filled with love, and such a wonderful mother to Scott, the sort of mother I should have been to my two daughters and was never able to be. To my two wonderful daughters.’ She lifted up her glass in toast to them, the men in the room following her example.
Jed felt some of the tension ease from his shoulders, not knowing what was coming next, but more confident that it wasn’t going to be anything that would hurt Meg.
Because he didn’t want her hurt, happened to echo every sentiment that Lydia had just said about her. She was beautiful and warm, loved all her family in spite of their coldness towards her, and her love for her son was indisputable.
He only wished that she loved him in the same way.
But, despite what had happened between them earlier, her suggestion that he leave tonight instead of in the morning certainly didn’t indicate as much.
But if Meg could be reunited with her family he would be happy for her, would have plenty of time to lick his own wounds once he was back at the cottage.
‘I have one last toast I would like to make,’ Lydia continued shakily, her hand reaching out to tightly grip David’s as he stood supportively at her side. ‘David and I had a long talk earlier, and decided to tell you all about—’
‘It’s all right, Lydia, I’ll do it,’ David said huskily. ‘To our dearly loved and remembered son, James David.’
Jed felt Meg’s start of surprise, a quick glance at Sonia’s pale face telling him that she was as stunned by this announcement as Meg obviously was.
David and Lydia had a son? Had had a son, Jed realized as he saw the naked emotion on Lydia’s face.
‘James David.’ Lydia sipped her champagne, not looking at any of them now but at her hand, tightly clasped within David’s.
‘Mummy, I don’t understand,’ Sonia was the one to prompt frowningly.
Lydia looked across at her daughter, her eyes swimming with unshed tears. ‘We should have told you and Meg this years ago, your father wanted to, but I—I begged him not to.’ She drew in a sharp breath. ‘Two years before you and Meg were born your father and I had a son, a beautiful little boy, called James David, but he—he only lived for a week,’ she explained emotionally. ‘He was born prematurely, and, although the doctors did everything they could, he—he died.’
And that the pain of that loss was still raw within this previously emotionally aloof woman was obvious to Jed.
He couldn’t even begin to imagine what it must be like to have, and then lose, a child. It must be awful, totally beyond imagination, totally beyond comprehension.
And he could see by the pain on Meg’s face that she more than understood those emotions. Who better, when she had a young son of her own?
Lydia drew in another deep breath, straightening slightly. ‘When I found out over a year later that I was pregnant again, with twins this time, I…I didn’t think I could cope, couldn’t bear it if I had to go through the pain of that loss again. And when our two daughters were born, again prematurely, weighing no more than three pounds each, my emotions simply shut down. Self-preservation, I think,’ she added self-derisively.
Jed reached out and tightly clasped Meg’s hand in his as he saw how badly she was shaking.
And no wonder. To learn that you had a brother, but he had died at only a week old, must be mind-numbing.
But for Lydia, he now realized, it had been so traumatic that she had been afraid to love her own daughters, too afraid that if she did she might lose them.
‘To make matters worse, I was sent home, but because you were so small the two of you were kept in hospital for weeks,’ Lydia continued softly. ‘It was—I can’t even begin to describe my feelings then. Again I came home without a baby in my arms, and although we spent every day at the hospital with you, it wasn’t the same.’ She shook her head, very pale.
The bonding, so necessary to this already bereft woman, simply hadn’t taken place, Jed realized.
‘By the time you were allowed home, I was…I wasn’t very well, and your father had to do everything for you,’ Lydia continued evenly, her thoughts far away now, back in the nightmare her life must have seemed then. ‘But, of course, that couldn’t continue, he had to return to work, and I—I was simply too ill by that time to care for you. We engaged a nanny, and I—I withdrew from you even more. It wasn’t that I didn’t love you, never that, I just…’
‘Oh, Mummy.’ Meg choked, releasing her hand from Jed’s to turn to her mother, her arms going around her almost protectively. ‘How awful for you. How absolutely awful.’
Sonia crossed the room swiftly, joining in the hug, the men left to look on helplessly, all of them knowing instinctively that this moment was for these three beautiful women only.
‘You have to believe that I love you,’ Lydia sobbed emotionally. ‘That I’ve always loved you
. I’ve just been too afraid to show it, too cowardly.’
‘Never that,’ Meg assured her firmly. ‘You’re the least cowardly woman I know.’
Lydia reached out and gently touched her cheek. ‘You were such beautiful babies, such lovely children, but at the back of my mind was always the fear that—It’s no excuse.’ She shook her head with self-disgust. ‘David, my darling David, decided after his heart attack that things had to change, that they would change, but even then I continued to fight him. I’ve been so wrong,’ she choked.
‘It’s because of the way I’ve been that we aren’t a closer family, that Meg, alone and so afraid when she knew she was expecting Scott, chose to keep his birth a secret for almost six months, and even after that stayed away from us all this time rather than let us help her. For that I will never forgive myself.’
Meg had chosen not to come to her parents when she had had Scott? That wasn’t the impression he had got—that Meg had deliberately given him. But why had Meg stayed away. For all that Lydia had been emotionally distant, it seemed that they had offered to help her.
‘If your father hadn’t insisted on inviting you here for Christmas, then we would probably still be estranged.’ Lydia frowned. ‘All these years David has stood by and watched, loving me, loving his daughters, but not knowing how to bring us all together. It took nearly losing him a few weeks ago to bring me even partially to my senses, and even then I still held you both at a distance when you got here. But Scott, darling Scott—’ her voice quivered with emotion ‘—although I tried to fight it, to fight loving him, was the one to bring all my barriers crashing down around my ears.’ She gave a shaky smile. ‘He is so beautiful, so like I imagined James would look at that age.’ She broke off, too emotional to go on.
Jed felt an uncomfortable witness to this woman’s heartache, and he could see by Jeremy’s expression that he felt the same intrusion. This moment belonged to these three women alone.
The Christmas Night Miracle Page 13