by Neil Zawacki
Spontaneous human combustion: By gaining control over its fiery effects, you can
singe bystanders and toast a perfect marshmallow at the same time.
You need to begin an excercise program or else be
Other Health Tips
exercise those old bones Have you noticed a change in your physical appearance lately, with your once-rippling muscles being replaced with a beer gut and love handles? Don’t weep, for such things are common in villains age two hundred and older. The dark power starts to wane, and you need to begin an exercise program or else be smashed like a bug underfoot.
As a rule, you’ll want to devote at least an hour each day to exercise. Use your time-halting powers to ensure that you will not be interrupted. Start with calisthenics, stretching your arms and tentacles until they are warmed up properly. You can also engage in a number of evil aerobics programs such as Jazzercise or Richard Simmons’, provided you are brave enough. Up-tempo music like funeral dirges can make this more fun. Remember to keep your heart rate up for at least thirty minutes!
Next, it’s time for your main workout. You want to build up muscle, so lift heavy objects like your robot or a nearby ball and chain. Be sure to have one of your henchmen spot you, lest tragedy occur. If your self-discipline fails, remember that bodybuilding can ultimately pave your way to world domination.
Physical endurance should be next on your list, so spend ample time performing pull-ups, doing sit-ups, and pushing a boulder up a hill in Hades for all eternity. You’ll want to devote your remaining time to running—always good for the villainous heart. Best of all, it’s easy to incorporate into your daily routine. You have to chase wounded foes and flee from the heroes, anyway— why not push yourself an extra lap?
Soon, your health will improve and those hateful love handles will disappear. You’ll look great in your tuxedo at the evil high-school reunion.
Alternative Medicine
When traditional medicine fails, it’s time to consider drastic means. While they may seem odd to you, with their lack of dark prayers and newts’ eyes, modern medicine and investment in pharmaceuticals can do wonders. Keep an open mind, if you can.
antibiotics Designed to kill infections, antibiotics are tiny pills that will prevent you from getting sick. Side effects include diarrhea, vomiting, and difficulty swallowing.
painkillers While it may seem inconceivable for you to avoid or stop pain, there are powerful drugs you can take that will enhance your performance. Just shop around; you’ll find plenty of doctors willing to whip out a prescription.
antidepressants Want to turn that frown upside-down? Try drowning yourself in antidepressants! You’ll find these mood-altering drugs are just what the doctor ordered to maintain that perfect level of psychotic rage.
surgery Medical problems not involving decapitation can often be fixed via surgery. They’ll knock you out and cut you open. It will be just like the date you had last Thursday!
If nothing seems to work and you’re fading fast, then you can always just clone yourself.
Finding a Therapist
Mental health should be a substantial concern for you. While many evil-doers embrace the concept of madness, it can be quite distracting when your attempts at global domination are constantly hamstrung by father issues or the need to flip a light switch a certain number of times. In these cases it is suggested you seek out a therapist to help you get your head back on straight.
There are a wide variety to choose from, including Freudian, Jungian, and the kind that hit you repeatedly with a stick. They’re all in the Yellow Pages, so let your bony fingers do the walking. These trained professionals will listen politely as you describe your many woes, as well as pump you so full of drugs that your Mr. Hyde personality surfaces slightly less.
One of the most effective techniques they have at their disposal is the ever-popular word association. It reveals a lot when the word “childhood” makes you think of “nightmare,” or “horrible failure” is followed by “me.” The subsequent disposing of your therapist to keep your terrible secret will further expose a great deal about your character.
Electroshock therapy is another great way to cure your raging psychosis. This time honored technique has long been used to calm the beast within, all through the simple application of 10,000 volts to the cerebral cortex. It also occasionally grants bizarre electro-powers, so be sure the dial is set to full.
If all else fails, you should consider getting a lobotomy. Sure, it’ll diminish your mental faculties by 95 percent, but so will reality television, music videos, and running for congress. At least with the lobotomy your stress levels will be relieved, and give you something in common with the rest of the drooling masses.
Immortality
Perhaps you think a health regime sounds like too much work. So many diseases to catch, so many crunches and squats—it’s a lot to take on. Should you decide it’s not for you, perhaps you should eschew your health entirely and go for immortality. It’s a tricky business, but one that will ultimately solve all your problems.
Dark magic is probably your best bet. There are ancient necromantic rituals that will transform you into one of the undead, usually a vampire or mummy. The only drawback is that these techniques tend to backfire and destroy half the countryside should you mix in the wrong number of salamander tongues. Flame-retardant suits are thus recommended should you go this route.
Mad science is another possibility. It’s surprising how often getting struck by 10,000 volts will render a person immortal. Glowing green elixirs have a similar effect, as do bombardments of lethal radiation. You should be prepared for the occasional side effect, however, like growing fifty feet tall and attacking Tokyo. Since that was probably on your itinerary anyway, it shouldn’t be too much of a problem.
Pacts with supernatural forces are a final and excellent choice. You don’t really have much use for that soul anyway, so why not trade it for eternal youth? Just remember to read the contract in full ahead of time, because the Devil loves ironic twists. You won’t be very happy if you become a wax mannequin upon signing, so have your lawyers check for any loopholes.
You should be prepared for the occasional side effect,
like growing fifty feet tall and attacking Tokyo.
4
Work
Evil-doers have long been a part of the business world. They work as CEOs, corporate lobbyists, lawyers, accountants, and even video store clerks. To every job they bring malice and a desire to crush their enemies underfoot. It’s truly a wonderful thing to be in a position of power, and by entering the nine-to-five grind you can begin your glorious ascent to the top.
The Grind
job interviews Before you can become part of the working world, you have to get an actual job interview. This is a somewhat difficult and mentally exhausting experience, but it will be worth it when you receive that first paycheck. You simply need to follow a set of basic rules, and use your 300 IQ and snakelike tongue to the best of your ability.
Start by putting your resume together. You want to emphasize your achievements, so describe any galaxies you’ve conquered in extremely large font. Your accomplishments don’t need to be in chronological order, so if you killed Superman five years ago, put that up top. Education should appear near the end, listing your university degrees (go ahead and fib) and any special certification you might possess in areas like sorcery, martial arts, or cake decorating.
Next, you’ll go after that interview. Search the classifieds for help-wanted ads. Respond to any postings for the job of “despot,” “varlet,” or anything else that sounds fun (but be warned: “corporate headhunter” is not at all what it sounds like). If that fails to net a reply, cold-call corporations that sound especially evil to ask if they have any openings.
Eventually you should get an interview, to which you will want to wear your best suit. You might think you look better in full battle armor, but go for the conservative look here: cape, ascot, top hat, a
nd pointy boots. Greet your interviewer with the appropriate pleasantries, and then prepare to lie horribly.
Be commanding as you speak, and don’t be afraid to play up your strengths. If you have the ability to possess people or design matter-transmuters, let them know. If you don’t, tell them you do. Modesty and honesty will get you nowhere but the welfare line. So give it all you’ve got, and you’ll soon be on the fast track to villainous success.
Go for a conservative look for the interview: cape,
ascot, top hat, and pointy boots.
resume builders When designing your resume, you may have trouble making it sound just right. Though they use the same villainous tactics, the corporate world occasionally uses different language. This is all for public relations, of course. Some examples:
Experience Becomes
Planning a bank heist Project management skills
Inventing a weather machine History of creating an adaptable environment
Raising an army of the dead Knowledgeable in training coworkers
Destroying the world Highly skilled in downsizing
Escaping from jail Ability to dispense with unwanted situations
Blocking out the sun Deflected illumination on company practices
Reading the Necronomicon Up-to-date on all current literature
Poisoning the king Assisted in transition of former management
Selling your soul Strong financial sense
Top Ten Interview Questions and How to Respond
I. Why do you want to work here? Be honest: Tell them “money, power, and the chance to crush my enemies.” They’ll like that.
II. What do you know about our company? You’ll have to do some research here, but be sure to mention any hostile takeovers or pending environmental lawsuits.
III. What are your strengths? You undoubtedly have several, so start with your genius, move on to your physical prowess, and end with your ability to make people’s heads explode.
IV. What are your weaknesses? “I’m a workaholic” is always a safe response. Make sure you don’t mention your fatal flaw, be it the holy cross or Rice Krispies. They’ll just use it against you later.
V. What do you think you could bring to this job? Sometimes clichés don’t work. Rather than saying, “Solid work ethics and a willingness to get a job done!” try “Death, destruction, and lots of pointy weapons.”
VI. Do you work well with others? A proper response would be “As long as they are my mindless, terrified slaves.” It shows a working knowledge of the corporate world.
VII. How do you keep yourself motivated? Tell the interviewer about your thirst for power and strong desire for revenge, and they’ll soon be nodding along with you.
VIII. How do you respond to tough situations? Don’t hesitate to admit that you use acid, knockout gas, or whatever tactics are necessary.
IX. Where do you see yourself in five years? While you may be tempted to say, “Standing over your weeping, chained body,” try to be more moderate: “Standing over everyone but your weeping, chained body.”
X. Why are the police arresting you right now? Assure your interviewer that they have the wrong man, and you couldn’t have possibly robbed those five banks as they claim.
dealing with the commute Each workday for a villain tends to be the same. You leave your lair with briefcase in hand, kiss your Witch Queen on the cheek, and head off to work. Forty minutes later and you’re still not there, because you’re stuck on the interstate! Traffic. It’s an evil-doer’s worst enemy, especially when you’ve got a ten o’clock meeting with the Dark Lord.
You will therefore want to join a carpool, if possible. There are always other warlords and sorcerers who need to get to their job at the photo mart, so why not band together? The four of you can zip past traffic to your destination, laughing at the other commuters along the way. Just be prepared for the occasional personality conflict, since people who’ve conquered nearby kingdoms tend not to compromise on matters like choosing a radio station.
Those who cannot find villains to ride with will have to travel solo. Your drive will be much longer, although some entertainment can still be had. Rush-hour traffic is an excellent place to unleash your swarm of monkey men, and casting fireballs has been known to improve gridlock. By using these techniques, you’ll at least have a smile on your face when you reach your job, and you’ll be ready to mop those floors with vigor.
There are always other warlords and sorcerers who need to get to
surviving coworkers The work environment can be extremely taxing for many villains. It’s not just the work and the deadlines; it’s the morons you have to deal with every day. Coworkers can drive an evil-doer crazy. So how to deal with these terrible twits?
One way is to obtain a time machine to go back to the past and ensure they are never born. But be careful not to tinker with anything else, or you may sentence us all to a future without doughnuts or digital cable.
There are some coworkers you just can’t get rid of, however. They are either too valuable to the company or they possess a talent for limited invulnerability, like spin doctors and damage-control experts. This doesn’t mean you have to learn to live with them—you simply have to be sneakier. Drop shrinking potions into their coffee mug and smear fast-acting cement on their phone receiver. It won’t really change anything, but you’ll feel a lot better inside.
making the workday go faster Most villains discover that working a day job is not particularly taxing. It can be downright monotonous at times, with your superior intellect wasted on such questions as, “Would you like fries with that?” What you need are ways to make time go faster, and preserve your dwindling sanity. Suggestions include…
Construct chain-mail suits out of paper clips.
Undermine your coworkers’ self-confidence with passive-aggressive comments about their weight.
Play a live-action version of minesweeper.
Install a self-replicating Artificial Intelligence on the office network that wants to destroy humanity.
Cast hexes on every third person to come through your door.
Replace your boss’s brains with Folger’s crystals and see if he can tell the difference.
Spin around in your chair until you get really dizzy.
Design doomsday devices on the office memo pad.
Spread the seeds of discontent that will ultimately lead to the company’s downfall.
These simple tricks should make the day fly by and put you in the right mindset for your night job as Conqueror of All Humanity.
how to get a raise With the cost of living as high as it is in today’s evil world, it’s no wonder so many villains are going broke. They just don’t have enough money to pay for their floating citadels and orbiting doom rays. You’ll consequently want to improve your cash flow as much as possible and attempt to get a raise at your job.
Toadying is the best way to achieve this. Find a superior to attach yourself to, and perform her every whim no matter how degrading. Cajole her with constant flattery and be a yes-man, even when her projects are doomed to failure. She will soon appreciate your sniveling patheticness and toss gold coins your way like scraps to a dog at dinnertime.
Villains with a modicum of self-respect may actually have to work to achieve a raise. You will need to produce results so amazing that even the boys upstairs will notice your brilliance but won’t be so intimidated that they consider you a threat. Foreclose on petting zoos and destroy small countries’ water sources with gusto, but always leave some room for improvement. Compensation should eventually come your way.
If it does not, you may need to resort to backstabbing and blackmail. Your boss surely has horrible secrets he does not want the world to know, so root out those early photos of him on the pep squad. He’ll undoubtedly buckle and give you a raise, and perhaps a corner office as a well. If not, just kidnap him and take his.
Find a superior to attach yourself to, and perform her
A union is a wick
edly powerful force,
joining a union Once you’ve been at your job for a while you may notice something odd—large groups of people meeting in dark chambers and discussing sinister ways to influence policy. No, not the secret society down in 3C—we’re talking about your labor union! It’s a wickedly powerful force, and one you should consider joining.
There are numerous benefits. You will gain access to an army of disgruntled workers who can bring management to its knees. You will learn ruthless backstabbing and subterfuge techniques, as well as develop lifelong relationships with organized crime. Plus, you’ll get to find out where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.
All is not sunshine and roses, however. Drawbacks include widespread bureaucracy and the occasional enslavement of a family member. There are also outrageous dues that would be better spent improving your lair. You’ll just have to weigh the positive with the negative and decide if it’s worth it. Are you a solitary evil-doer, or do you prefer unruly mobs?
unemployment for villains The state of the current economy is such that employment is no longer a guarantee. Even though you may have a degree in Ultimate Evil, with five years of experience in looting and pillaging, it is not uncommon to come back from lunch these days and see a pink slip waiting at your desk.
Welcome to the world of unemployment, where you spend one hour a day looking for work, and the rest sitting on your couch watching the Home Shopping Network. It’s a sad state of affairs for someone who once successfully devoured the sun, but one you can still take advantage of.