by EJ Lamprey
‘Don’t be long.’ The lighter flared and Edge had a glimpse of Fiona lighting a cigarette, her distant face thrown into sharp relief, a good ten feet below.
What could she use? She pushed back on her bottom from the trapdoor, scuttled on all fours to pick a sturdy-looking leg from the table wreckage, and made for the sofa to help get back to her feet. It had an incongruous cheap cover, the type that tied into place. Tied! About to get up, she dropped back and felt her way round the hem until she found the knot, the ends tucked tidily out of sight. The knot, unnervingly, broke away completely as she picked hurriedly at it and sweat was stinging her eyes by the time she had cautiously coaxed several yards of brittle cord free. She attached a small kneeling shepherdess statuette as a weight with some inexpert granny knots, and started paying it out to Fiona below. Smoke tendrils curled through the trapdoor as she counted out the lengths, measuring each from fingertips to shoulder before letting it down.
‘Got it!’ Fiona called when she still had a coil left in her hands.
‘If you add your height to that, you fell a good fifteen feet,’ she called back. ‘Assuming I measured the cord right.’
‘Ouch.’ Fiona sounded distracted. ‘Maybe just as well Elvis was here. Okay, that’s the rope attached. I only hope it holds, tying knots one-handed isn’t the easiest. Pull gently.’
She pulled up cautiously hand over hand until the rope appeared, tied firmly to the cord. It didn’t look any thicker, to her inexpert eye, but was nylon and strong.
‘Did you tie the other end to yourself?’ She glanced round for somewhere to tie the climbing rope. There was a heavy beam overhead, but possibly out of reach.
Fiona’s reply was fretful.
‘Don’t be ridiculous. I could barely tie the cord and the rope together. There’s no way I can tie a knot with one hand and my teeth that I would trust with my weight. You’ll have to climb down and tie the rope round me.’
‘No chance.’ Edge was firm. ‘I couldn’t shinny up and down the ropes at school, never mind now. Anyway, you know I’m claustrophobic. There is absolutely no way I could climb down into a crypt and be any bloody use when I arrived. Try waking Elvis up.’
‘I can’t. I pulled him into recovery position, and he’s breathing better, but he’s still well gone. I’ve just realized who he is, too. It’s Moira’s current squeeze, Rory somebody. Her ex-squeeze, more likely. When she dumps someone, it’s obviously for keeps.’
‘Funny. But good, because Matilda will be insisting on a search soon if she hasn’t already. We’ve just got to wait. We’ve sprung the trap—well, you have—and help will be on its way soon.’
‘Edge, don’t you dare leave me down here, you have to come down. You have to! Don’t leave me here!’
Edge shuddered from head to foot with horror. There was no way, she wouldn’t, she couldn’t. . .
Even as she recoiled from the trapdoor, the heavy door opened and she whirled into a defensive crouch, snatching up the cudgel, then rocked back on her heels as an inexplicably familiar policeman in a peaked cap and an extremely smart uniform walked in. To her huge relief Alice Cooper was behind him, alive and well. It was only when indignation had replaced relief that she realized the policeman was Brian.
‘Don’t let the door close!’ She pushed herself urgently to her feet against the tilted Queen Anne chair, ready to rush forward as the two men stared at her, but Donald automatically caught it as its own weight started to pull it closed, then raised a quizzical eyebrow, his mouth quirking.
‘Okay. My jaded eyes are officially popping. Su-perb.’
‘Yes, ha ha, very funny. I’ve taken quite enough from Fiona about how I look. The door doesn’t open from this side, you’ll have to wedge it open.’
He picked up a bit of the broken table as Brian hurried forward, looking shocked and peeling off his jacket.
‘God, that outfit is an incitement to rape if I ever saw one. Pull the shirt closed, or even Donald will start feeling faint. I didn’t even recognize you until you spoke.’ He put the jacket round her shoulders and peered anxiously into her face. ‘Are you all right? Where’s Fiona?’
‘Down there,’ she nodded toward the chair wedged in the trapdoor. ‘She’s fallen through into the old cellars and broken her arm and she’s surrounded by skeletons. And Elvis.’
‘So Rory didn’t leave.’ Donald tried the door experimentally, satisfied himself it couldn’t close, and joined them. ‘Matilda was convinced he hadn’t, without telling her, especially when Moira kept popping in and out of the party. Is that a climbing rope?’
‘Yes, Fiona found it down there and I pulled it up, but she can’t climb.’
‘No worries.’ Brian jerked the rope between his fists and seemed satisfied. ‘We can lower you down to her.’
Donald shook his head. ‘Not Edge, she’s claustrophobic.’
Brian looked doubtfully at her. ‘But in an emergency, surely;’
‘Brian, I can’t! Why do people who don’t get claustrophobic think it’s an affectation? I would be a gibbering wreck and no use at all. If it had been me who fell instead of Fiona, I would be past rescuing by now.’
‘Okay.’ Brian said calmly. ‘Then you and I can lower Donald down. You can tie a climber’s knot, right, Donald?’
‘No, Brian, you should go.’ Edge looked pleadingly up into his face. ‘Fiona’s hurt, and Elvis, I mean Rory, is unconscious. You’ve got the rescue experience. You know how to deal with injuries after a fall.’
‘Fair comment.’ Brian looked doubtfully from one to the other. ‘But there’s no way you two could lower me, let alone pull me up.’
‘William can,’ she insisted anxiously. ‘Easily. If he’s still here?’ Donald, the quizzical look back on his face, nodded and she offered the rope to Brian. ‘We’ll get you down, we can manage that, then Donald can go find William and Vivian.’
Brian nodded, accepting it, and threw the rope over the heavy beam, then put his weight on it. ‘That’ll do.’ He tied a very professional knot to secure it, then hefted the rope thoughtfully. ‘There’s plenty of length here. I’ll add a couple of Alpine loops, then I can get myself up and down. Donald can go straightaway. Well, once you’ve helped me get this chair out the way, mate.’
‘Careful, I think the trapdoor will slam shut when we move it.’ She called down to Fiona, ‘Brian and Donald are here, Brian’s coming down but the trapdoor may shut for a minute or two.’
A wavery ‘Okay’ came up from below as Donald and Brian, with some effort, hauled the firmly wedged chair away. The trapdoor lifted with it and clicked into place and Brian cocked his head thoughtfully.
‘Magnets to hold it, and some kind of spring pushing it back. Nasty. She stepped on it and fell through? Lucky not to hit her head as she went.’
‘That might be what happened to Rory,’ Edge agreed. ‘Well, that and the fall. Fiona reckons he cushioned hers. They’re two levels down but old cellars, not very high.’
Brian took a good grip, then stepped onto the trapdoor and lowered himself rapidly down the rope. As he cleared the opening the trapdoor quivered against the rope and she turned to Donald. ‘How do we brace it open?’
‘You sly minx.’ He wedged a cushion into the open gap nearest the hinges and the trapdoor creaked, but stayed open.
‘Sly?’ She stared at him and he shook his head reprovingly.
‘I’m a qualified first aider, you know.’
‘Donald—you can’t always be the hero. I do have my reasons.’
‘Oh, I got that. I thought for a moment you were going to overdo it, making Brian the lion. Why didn’t you tell me? Brian and Fiona, I mean. I could have helped you push it along if I’d known.’
‘Oh.’ She gave him a surprised look. ’You would? Brian said you were so keen that we should be together.’
‘No,’ he looked slightly exasperated. ‘He asked me for advice. I thought if you hadn’t made it a firm no, you must be patiently waiting for him to stop dithering a
nd make a move. What else could I think?’
‘You could have asked me.’ She fought a sudden urge to giggle. ‘You know, “my friend Brian thinks you’re hot, would you say yes if he asked you out?” Donald, I couldn’t slam the door in his face, not after what he’d done for me. I hoped he’d give up and move on but he wouldn’t. Thanks to you, you numpty.’
‘I told you I wasn’t any good at this. So now you’re going to show me how matchmaking is done, are you?’
‘Well, I realized when I first sent them off that they were good together but telling them would have been a disaster—especially Fiona. I could hardly tell her she could have my lover, that I didn’t really want him. I’ve been waiting for them to find out for themselves, but then she removed herself and I thought that was that. This way she gets to steal a man from me, which will give her some very real satisfaction, and they are perfect for each other.’
‘Like I said. Sly.’ He was severe. ‘Anyway, I’ll go find William. Try not to fall through the trapdoor while I’m gone.’
‘Very funny.’ Brian’s jacket slid off one shoulder, and she tossed it impatiently onto the chair behind the door. ‘Don’t, for goodness sake, bring Major Horace. I couldn’t bear him to see me in this. And by the way, why is Brian here? And dressed in a very fancy police uniform?’
‘He, Kirsty and Drew raided the party. I’ll bring her up to speed too.’ With that he was gone, leaving her staring after him.
‘Brian?’ She couldn’t bring herself to go too close to the horrible trapdoor, but raised her voice so he could hear her. ‘You raided the party? As a police officer?’
‘What? Oh, yes.’ He sounded distracted. ‘Yes, we had to, because no-one would listen to Kirsty. Tobias Murdoch carries some scary weight in this town. I’ll probably get arrested.’
‘I should think all of you will!’
‘Well, she said her argument will be that she knows you weren’t behind it, but that whoever was might succeed if she didn’t take action. Ah, here we go.’
A groan suggested he might be successfully rousing the unconscious singer and Edge moved forward cautiously, then crouched down to watch. With the chair removed, light from the room reached the cellar. Fiona, hunkered shoulder to shoulder with Brian, was holding the torch, and Brian was competently feeling his way along the younger man’s limbs.
‘Nothing obvious broken,’ he confirmed, ‘nasty bang on the head, but the wig helped there. No, son, don’t try to move yet. We’ll get you out of here.’
Rory, his wig askew, looked up dazedly. ‘Watch out—for the carpet, don’t stand on it. . .’ He twisted his head and groaned again. ‘My head hurts.’
Footsteps sounded behind her and Edge looked round nervously, suddenly realizing she’d left her cudgel out of reach, but it was only William and Vivian.
‘Cor,’ William studied her with interest. ‘Not as scrawny as I thought you were. Want a hand up?’
‘Again,’ she agreed ruefully, and held out her hand.
‘Oh, Edge, you’ve got to stop getting yourself into trouble!’ Vivian hugged her as William got her upright.
‘Hey.’ Edge hugged her back. ‘I’m not the one who fell into a cellar full of corpses. This is Fiona’s party.’
William walked over the trapdoor and peered down with interest. ‘Your elevator service has arrived, you down there. Ready to come up?’
‘First making a harness for Fiona,’ Brian called back. ‘And I’ll need to splint her arm. I’d as soon not use one of the bones down here, is there anything suitable in the wreckage of that table? And something to strap it?’
Vivian selected a couple of piece of wood from the table and looked around. ‘Anything for strapping? Perish the thought that I’m going to tear off strips off this dress. That is simply not going to happen.’
‘If I tear anything off this shirt I’ll be arrested for indecent exposure. We could cut up one of the chair covers, if we had a pair of scissors.’ Edge also looked round helplessly, but William bent and drew his sgian dubh out of his sock, then held it out to Vivian handle first.
‘You carry a real one?’ She took it gratefully and he frowned at her.
‘When I don the kilt, milady, I do it properly. Nothing fake about me, never has been. I am the genuine article, you should know that by now. Edge, fill us in. Donald came darting up, said I had to pull on a rope, pointed us at the door and vanished to find Kirsty. I’m assuming this is the rope but otherwise we’re in the dark.’
Edge quickly told them everything she knew as she held the chair cover taut for her friend to cut it slowly and carefully into a long strip with William’s knife. Vivian competently tied the bits of wood to one end of the makeshift bandage and lowered them through the trapdoor. William had his back to them, pouring himself a coffee, and she shot Edge a concerned look as she stepped back from the trapdoor.
‘Let me guess,’ Edge remarked wryly. ‘Fiona is wrapped round Brian like a poultice?’
‘Well, yes.’ Vivian looked relieved. ‘He isn’t exactly fighting her off. Edge, do you mind?’
‘Of course she doesn’t.’ William handed them cups of coffee. ‘The man’s a tit. I always said so.’
‘Hush, keep your voice down!’ Edge begged, her voice quivering with laughter. ‘And no. I knew she’d pounce. I was just afraid he’d go all loyal and hold her off.’
‘Well, play it straight. Don’t gie it laldy, or think angry jealousy would scare him away: you never know which way a man will jump to end a scene. Just tell him that’s it, goodbye,’ William advised seriously. ‘I’ve been caught a few times like that myself and a nice simple goodbye was always a relief, whether I wanted it or not at the time.’ Vivian gave him an old-fashioned look and he grinned down at her. ‘In my past, cailleach. You see before you a reformed man.’
He switched his glance over her head as Donald came back into the room to tell them the real police were on their way.
‘Once Kirsty told them about the bodies they stopped making threatening noises at her and started listening seriously. She’s also requesting paramedics to haul Rory up. From what she told me, this will be their second call to the area the night. And I’ve told Matilda we found Rory, but that she’s not allowed to bring Horace in here. She promised.’
Edge put a grateful hand on his arm, then remembered and squeezed it crossly. ‘And now tell me what was happening on your side. Why didn’t you come out at nine?’
He tried to run his fingers through his hair and looked momentarily baffled by his wig. ‘Moira Murdoch came to find me just before nine, said that you’d left a message for me at the door, that you’d only be back after eleven, so I decided to stay on and wait. I totally accepted it. How could she ken I was planning to meet up with you? Mebbe the security guard said something? I’d planned to slip out as though I was going for a smoke but I saw a smoker being turned back and told there was a room for them on the third floor. I did ask him if I’d be able to leave at nine as I was meeting a friend. But I didn’t say a name.’
‘That idiot Rory let it slip.’ Vivian looked exasperated. ‘I heard her asking him who his drummer was meeting so early in the evening and he giggled slightly hysterically and said it was Fiona’s stepmother Edge but not to worry. He was babbling like a brook, whatever came into his head. Two minutes later he dragged her towards you and tried to grab your hand, but it looked totally fake. I don’t think she can have been fooled for a minute.’
‘So that’s what that was about.’ Donald rolled his eyes. ‘I knew he was trying to tell me something but she wouldn’t leave him for a second. He left, or so Moira said, around half nine and Fiona vanished about twenty minutes later. I did wonder, but I poked about a bit and every door I tried was locked. It never occurred to me to open this door. We’d all been warned by Security that the red cross meant it was condemned, and you could see the paint was old. Anyway, I went out a few minutes before eleven and Gillian Campbell was just telling me what you were up to when Kirsty and the ot
hers arrived, so we came back in together. Brian insisted he was getting your mobile phone signal from behind the door and there you were. Like a spitting wildcat, furniture tipped or smashed all over the place, ready to take us both on with a snapped-off table-leg. Kodak moment.’
Edge snorted at this unexpected interpretation but suddenly felt better.
‘I’d have loved to see that. The whole evening was pure farce, better than anything in the Fringe,’ William put down his cup and grinned at the memory. ‘Horace goggling at Moira and dogging her every move, her trying to get Rory on his own, Rory trying to bolt for Donald or Matilda. Then she marched him off, nothing anyone could do, although Horace did try to follow, give him his due. She was pretty sharp to him; he’s quite subdued. Matilda started getting a bit fretful when Moira told her Rory had left, but at the same time she was relieved he’d got away. Mebbe Moira brought him down here, made a pounce at him and he stepped back in horror and fell down that oubliette of hers? Vivian noticed Fiona slipping quietly away soon after Moira reappeared, and she never came back either. After Donald left to meet you, Vivian and I were just wondering whether to hang around any longer when the Keystone Cops charged in. Quite the evening, eh? How did you and Fiona end up in here?’
‘Fiona got here on her own, nicely primed by Moira, who then intercepted me in the hallway and brought me. She must be insane.’ Edge shook her head, confused. ‘I mean yes, she’s insane, but how did she think she’d get away with it? She’d have had to walk Rory past the security guard, and that was the last time anyone would have seen him. And the guard saw me. He’d have had to say something when Matilda raised a fuss.’
‘Would he, though?’ Vivian asked thoughtfully. ‘He tipped her off about Donald planning to leave at nine. Matilda did say Moira’s other favourites have vanished before now. Maybe literally. The security guards are probably well paid to keep their mouths shut. Or, for all we know, there’s a way out further down those freaky stairs, through the older bits. None of us were surprised Rory had bolted although Matilda was a bit upset. She’s quite maternal about him. Are there really corpses in that cellar?’ She looked at the trapdoor and shuddered.