by Lane, Bayli
“Good. You can’t be friends with him, Lilly. You just can’t,” Lauren says.
“You’re blaming him for your mom and Gary’s mistakes… you get that right?” I say as I turn right and onto the street.
“Colton is a piece of shit just like Gary,” she scoffs.
“No he isn’t.” I glare at the street in front of me and start driving faster.
“Yes he is. Whatever you think you know about him isn’t true. Colton is an ass, and, just like his dad, he doesn’t care about women. He fucks them and leaves them.”
Clarissa had pretty much told me the same thing, but Colton and I are different. We haven’t slept together, and we weren’t going to. We are just friends and now that is being taken away from me because of some drama that I had nothing to do with.
“Can we just stop talking about this?” I beg.
Lauren starts laughing. “That was the Colton you thought was your new best friend.” She laughs louder. “Oh Lilly, sometimes you are too much.”
“Can you come over so we can talk?” I ask Sander over the phone.
“Yeah baby, I’ve been wanting to see you for a few days now,” his deep voice says.
Oh so we are going to pretend everything is just peachy, that he hasn’t talked to me and it’s now Wednesday? “Alright well I’ll be here this evening after classes; around 5:00?”
“Sure. I’ll see you then. You mad baby?” Is he really asking me this? Does he not remember nearly a week ago when his fingers were wrapped around my neck? Probably not.
“Sander just come over and we’ll talk then, okay?”
He lets out a breath. “Fine but it’s not a big deal; it was just some pot.”
I nearly growl, “Again, I’ll talk to you at five.”
Classes dragged today. Lauren has been distant since Sunday at the bar. I didn’t really want to talk to her either. I hadn’t heard a word from Colton or Clarissa. I missed their text messages. Colton was on my mind constantly, his words echoing in my mind over and over again like a song on repeat, naïve. Was I being naïve? Just because Steph hadn’t been a good friend to Colton’s mom didn’t mean Lauren wouldn’t be a good friend to me. That didn’t seem like a fair judgment to make. That would be like me telling Colton he was just like his father. I assume he wouldn’t like that, but now that I really sit and think about, he kind of is like his father. If what Clarissa said is true, then Colton doesn’t want a relationship. He wants to sleep with women. It’s easy and less messy. Isn’t that what his dad did? Or does? He just sleeps with a woman and then moves on to the next one?
Why is everyone pointing their fingers at everyone else except at themselves? I should have known Clarissa would tell Colton about Lauren running off and disbelieving what I told her about Sander. For some reason I still feel betrayed. I had spoken to her in confidence. I just needed to vent to her without worrying about someone judging me or judging Lauren; instead it blew up in my face.
And Colton… I was really starting to think this friendship could work—that we could be best friends like Clarissa said. Yet he so easily throws me aside because he doesn’t like that I’m friends with someone from his past? Am I supposed to choose between him and Lauren? I don’t want to be forced into doing that, but both seem to think I can’t be a friend with the other. Being friends with both would be tough to do because Lauren won’t be able to stop talking bad about Colton, and Colton would probably do the same about Lauren.
Then, my mind wanders to Sander and how to deal with him tonight. How do I find the right words to describe the hurt he caused me that horrible night, the words to get through to my Sander? How do I make sure that he realizes that the drugs and the alcohol are going to ruin his life if he continues to do it? That he’ll lose me if he continues, and his parents will disown him if they find out. That he’ll be kicked out of school and won’t get a degree! Surely he will see how negatively this will affect his life.
After not paying attention in any of my classes, I’m finally making my way across campus and to my room. I feel exhausted, frustrated, and worried about how this conversation is going to go.
I see Sander waiting outside my dorm room and my throat catches. He still looks like my Sander. He’s leaning against the door and looking down at his phone. He’s wearing dark wash jeans and a dark green polo. His hair is cut close to his scalp and he’s clean-shaven. I just want him to hold me. I want him to tell me that all of this has just been a horrible nightmare and that it never happened, that he would never hurt me in any way—not emotionally and not physically.
I stand before him, and he looks up with a small smile. “Hey baby girl,” he says and pulls me into a hug. I let him. It’s a hug I could use. Even though I shouldn’t, even though I should be afraid, I relax into his hold. Naïve. Again, Colton’s voice plays in my head.
I pull away and lead him inside the room. He comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my middle. His nose nudges against the back of my ear. Sander has always been touchy with me, and his skin against mine has always felt nice and comfortable. I’ve always relished in the feeling of having him close to me. Even now, when I’m conflicted, it still feels right to have him this near to me. I lay my head back against his chest.
“We have a lot to talk about,” I say quietly.
“Do we have to talk right now? I’ve missed you baby.” He kisses the sensitive patch of skin behind my ear and then down my neck, leaving chills down his path.
As much as I’d like to ignore what happened the other night, I know I can’t let him worm his way out of it and end up sleeping with him. It needs to be talked about now before I lose my nerve and just let it go.
“Yes, we have to talk about it now.” I grab his hands and push them away softly and then turn around and face him. “It’s a big deal, Sander.”
“What, that I had some pot? Come on Lilly, don’t be ridiculous. We’re in college—let loose a little.”
He actually has the nerve to talk to me like I’m the one being crazy here? Really?
“That was not all you did that night and don’t you try and tell me it was! You were going crazy! You choked me!” My voice raises louder and louder as I try to get him to understand.
He looks at me, confused. “What are you talking about? I didn’t choke you. I would never do that.”
I sigh, “Yeah, I thought that too. But guess what? You did.” I point to the light yellow bruises on my neck. “I had to knee you in the nuts to get you off of me! I thought you were going to kill me.”
He touches my neck and then looks into my eyes. “Who did this?”
“You did!”
He drops his hands and shakes his head. “No way,” he says with disbelief. But I see a flicker of a memory flash before his eyes.
“What do you remember from that night?” I ask.
He turns away and looks around the room. “You came over. Got shitty that I was high. I tried to get you to calm down and to take a hit; you wouldn’t. And then I kissed you and you left.”
I give a humorless laugh. “You mean… I saw you were a completely different person. When I got mad at you, you pushed me against a wall, choked me, and started kissing me against my will until I kneed you and ran out the door.”
How does he only remember a part of what happened and not even the worst part? It’s like he changed the story to something that would make him feel better about himself, something he would actually do instead of hurting me.
I start crying, chest shaking. “It happened, Sander. I’m not lying. I swear. I would never make something like this up, and I don’t know what to do to help you, babe! I don’t know what to do, but you have to stop doing the drugs that you are doing!” I grab his shoulders. “Please! If you don’t, we can’t be together. I can’t constantly be afraid that you’re going to hurt me. I can’t constantly worry that you’re going to hurt yourself! What if your parents find out?”
He takes my hands in his and runs his thumb across my knuckles and then
lifts them to his lips and gently presses the lightest of kisses against every last one of them.
“I would never intentionally hurt you. I’m so sorry. I’m so damn sorry.” He lifts his hand and cups my neck gently. “I will never forgive myself for hurting you like this. Never. For the rest of my life, I will try to make it up to you.”
“You’ll stop doing drugs?” I say, as a sob breaks loose.
“Yeah baby, I’ll stop.” He leans over and kisses my forehead. “I swear I’ll never touch the shit again.”
“You mean it?” I say pathetically and grip his t-shirt hopefully.
He gives me a watery smile, “I will never hurt you again.” He leans down and presses a kiss on my lower lip, then to my chin. Then he kisses each bruise on my throat. He works his way back up to my mouth and nips at my lower lip. “I swear,” he whispers against my lips.
I nod and finally kiss him back. I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him down to me. Tears still wet on my cheeks, I press my lips firmly to his. I push with every bit of pain I’ve felt since we moved here. I put my heart into that kiss. I try to tell him that I love him, that I won’t give up, that I’m willing to work on forgiving him, and that I believe he will change. I put it all into those kisses and then I pull away.
“I want to take this slow, okay?”
He lifts and eyebrow. “What does that mean?”
“It means I’m not having sex with you right now. I need to know that you’re serious about not doing drugs. I need you to prove it to me. I’ve been really hurt these past couple weeks. I don’t think you get how much you’ve hurt me. And I need to know that you are going to stick with what you say. So for now, we take it slow and see what happens,” I say steadily.
“We’ve been together for four years, and you’re telling me we aren’t going to sleep together?” he says, frustrated.
I glare at him. “I guess you better start proving that you mean what you say, because that’s exactly what I’m saying.”
“That’s what you need? You need us to basically start over? You’re actually okay with not having sex?” A smug smile appears.
I almost laugh. He’s so damn cocky. “I think I can survive.”
“We’ll see.” He almost laughs. “Alright, I’ll play along. No sex. By the end of this, you’ll be begging for it baby girl.” He kisses my cheek and runs his fingers down my back lightly.
I suck in a breath. He is going to make this hard on me. But I am going to stick with what I said. No sex.
“I think we should consider ourselves on a break,” I say through my teeth as he continues kissing me to my ear and sucking my earlobe into his mouth.
He stops and looks at me angrily, “Now you’re telling we aren’t even together?”
“I didn’t say that. I’m saying we’re on a break. I still love you Sander.”
“I don’t get what this is supposed to accomplish.” He steps back and looks at me with his beautiful, brown eyes.
“It’s supposed to give us both time to think about what we want and what we have to do to get it.”
“So it’s just another punishment for me even though I’m telling you I won’t ever hurt you again?!” he says louder.
“I’m not trying to punish you. I just think this will be best. I have no doubt this will work out Sander. I love you. I want this with you. But right now I just need proof; I’m sorry.”
He takes a deep breath and relaxes as he lets out the air. “Okay, Lilly. I’m not happy about it, but okay. I’ll fix this.”
I nod at him with a sad smile on my face. It’s what I want more than anything. I want him to fix this, because I don’t know how too.
It’s been two days, I feel so alone right now. I’m barely holding onto my relationship with Sander. Lauren hasn’t spoken to me since the argument at the bar on Sunday. There’s still been no text from Colton or Clarissa. I’m by myself and that scares me. For the first time since I moved here, I want my mom and dad. I thought I was ready for this freedom, but right now—I just want to go home and lay in the field in our backyard and just look at the stars. I need to think. I need to have the never ending sky above me with the sparkling stars dancing across the deep blue to remind me that my problems are not that bad.
I didn’t imagine college being this way. I thought it would be fun. I imagined going to parties with both Lauren and Sander and us all making friends and just enjoying being independent. I could picture Sander and I growing closer as a couple and falling even deeper in love than when we were in high school. I thought we’d all still be together. I never imagined I’d be more alone than I ever felt before. I didn’t imagine I would meet someone like Colton who makes me question everything or Clarissa who is always honest and forward with me but would never intentionally hurt me. But mostly, I never thought the freedom that I had ached for would end up hurting me so damn much.
I needed to text Clarissa.
Me: I’m sorry 4 overreacting Sunday. U didn’t do anything wrong. I should have known u’d tell Colton about Lauren.
A few minutes pass when my phone dings with a text.
Clarissa: No I was wrong. I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad. Sunday was horrible, r u okay?
Typical Clarissa, worrying more about others instead of herself.
Instead of answering her I ask,
Me: How’s Colton?
Clarissa: U know he didn’t mean what he said 2 u? He was just upset and surprised.
Me: He meant what he said. Pretty sure he hates me now.
Clarissa: Sitting with him right now. I don’t think he could hate u if he tried. He’s miserable. Keeps saying he shouldn’t have said those things 2 u.
I sigh with relief. I don’t want to be mad at either of them. If Colton feels half as bad as I do about Sunday, maybe we can meet up and talk about it. At least maybe I can understand why he said such cruel things to me… To insinuate that I want to ruin his life? Why would he say something like that! Or to call me naïve! I am NOT naïve! Here I am getting angry again...
Me: Well tell him maybe he should get his ass over here and apologize then.
It takes Clarissa longer to text back.
Clarissa: Do you really think Colton is going 2 come over and apologize? Maybe explain himself… But apologize?
I grunt.
Me: He should explain himself! He was a total dick 2 me because of Lauren! That’s not fair.
Clarissa: Lilly, maybe u should just text Colton this? I really don’t want 2 b in the middle of this.
Me: Tell him to text me then. I’m not texting him. I respond childishly. Yes, I am really not going to be the first to engage in conversation. I’m being foolish, but I want him to be the one to text me first. If I texted him first I would feel like I’d be admitting to being the things he called me.
She doesn’t respond. I don’t get any more text messages from Colton or her! She probably did tell him everything I was saying and he was probably furious all over again. Really? I need to stop acting like this. I’m irritating myself.
So finally I decide to just turn my phone off and start cleaning up the dorm. Lauren and my clothes are still thrown everywhere, and they need to be hung up or else they will all wrinkle. Plus the room looks like a tornado has torn through and blown everything we own around the entire room. At least cleaning up would take my mind off of life for a few crucial minutes.
I’m just about done cleaning up my half of the mess when a loud pounding starts on my door. I jump when the thumping continues and becomes louder. I didn’t think Sander was coming over tonight. He said he had homework to do. Lauren hasn’t been home but she has a key, so it couldn’t be her.
I glance in the mirror to see just how lazy I look today. Yup, pretty lazy. I didn’t even bother putting in my contacts today. With my black sweat pants from high school, a pink tank top, glasses on, and my hair piled on top of my head, I answer the door, wishing I had time to at least look like I took five minutes to get ready today.
; My jaw drops and my cheeks inflame… It’s Colton. Colton is at my door like I told Clarissa to tell him to be… I just didn’t expect him to actually listen. God knows I would have put some make up on and at least a pair of jeans. I fidget with my glasses and start to rub my neck, feeling self-conscious.
“What are you doing here?” I say, in a state of shock.
He looks me up and down and the frown turns into a small, gentle smile.
My stomach does a few summersaults. Those damn dimples. No man should be blessed with those babies. It’s just begging women to swoon … and I was swooning. But he doesn’t need to know that.
“You wanted me to come over,” he says simply and steps into the room.
“Don’t be so cocky. I wanted you to come over here and apologize.”
He laughs, “Same thing. You wanted me to come over. Here I am. Why are you so shocked?”
I close the door, lock it, and then face him. “I didn’t actually think you’d show up. Plus you were beyond mad the on Sunday.” My face scrunches up, “You were actually pretty mean.”
His smile vanishes. “I shouldn’t have said things like I did. But I’m not going to lie to you and say I didn’t mean any of it. I did.”
I frown and step away from him. “Well that’s just fantastic. Then why are you here?” I gesture to the door, “Just to emphasize how very naïve I am!” I growl. “If that’s why you are here, then just leave, Colton.”
He runs his hands through his hair and messes it up. Then, he shakes his head slightly and looks around the room. I’m sure he notices the walls are covered with pictures of Lauren and me, Lauren and Sander, Sander and me, and then all three of us together. The photographs take up almost an entire wall. I watch as his eyes narrow, and he faces me.
“Lilly, I shouldn’t have said it the way I did,” he declares and walks over to the pictures. He focuses on one with all three of us. Sander is in the center and Lauren is kissing one cheek and I’m kissing his other. Sander’s laughing in the center. Steph took the picture.
“Lauren and Sander seem pretty close,” he says.