by Lane, Bayli
I smile at Colton, thinking that the story sounds kind of romantic. His parents were high school sweethearts that withstood a relationship through college and, even after that, still got married. His parents must really love each other.
“My dad doesn’t deserve to even say he was ever lucky enough to be with her.” Colton spouts it angrily, shocking me out of my positive thoughts about his family. I look at him and frown slightly, waiting to hear more. I begin to remember Lauren’s mom and Colton’s dad! Oh my God! Why did I ask him this question? I’m a horrible person.
“Colton, I’m so sorry! We don’t have to talk about this. I didn’t realize what I was asking. I’m—”
“No it’s okay,” he says and then continues his story. “Mom was even willing to go to counseling to work through their marital problems when she found out he was fucking every women within a six inch radius.” Colton shakes his head, clearly disgusted with his father. “Then Lauren’s mom, Steph… Well I couldn’t believe that he wouldn’t even apologize to my mother for putting her through absolute hell. My mother lost her best friend over the whole ordeal. Yet she still expected me to be nice to my father. She expected me to actually have a good relationship with him. See, she’s a saint.”
I shake my head and rub my neck, feeling an aching pain in my chest from the pure sorrow and anger seeping out of Colton. He obviously loves his mom more than anything, and seeing her hurt so badly by the man that was supposed to take care of her and be there for her for eternity has clearly had a lasting effect on him. I’m really beginning to understand why Colton acts the way he does. When Clarissa said Colton never had a relationship, I couldn’t understand why. But now I see it. Why would he want to be in a relationship when all the ones he has been privy to have ended as badly as they have? Why would anyone want to be in love if it just ends in pain?
I can also see why there is a thunderstorm of hatred towards Lauren and her mother. When someone hurts a person that you love, you can’t help but feel something more than anger towards them. You get protective and you want to stop anything from ever causing that kind of pain again so you push all those people away. Yeah, sometimes forgiveness just isn’t easy, and sometimes it’s impossible to let it go.
“Your mom sounds like one of the kindest people ever,” I say. Any woman that takes her vows of marriage so seriously that even after finding out he’s been cheating on her still wants to find a way to make it work… I can’t imagine being able to get through that, especially without a best friend to go through it with. I bet she doesn’t even say a negative thing about Steph or Colton’s dad. I mean, she still wants Colton to have a relationship with him.
“She is,” he adds with conviction. “She didn’t deserve what happened to her.” He takes a deep breath and sits up, grabbing for his shirt and handing me mine.
I feel like maybe I overstepped some sort of boundary, and now he’s rushing to get rid of me. I slip on my shirt and button up my shorts, looking anywhere but at him.
Before I can regret bringing Colton out here he reaches for me and tenderly holds my face between his hands. “Thank you for tonight, Lilly. Thank you for sharing this with me.”
He gets it. He actually understands that bringing him here was a big step for me. I never thought I’d ever be able to share this with anyone, but I just had to give it a shot. And it was amazing until the end, when I thought my big mouth ruined it by bringing up his parents. Talk about a sore subject. But it didn’t ruin anything. Colton was happy to be here, and now we both knew just a little bit more about each other.
I finally know enough to at least understand why he and I can never have a future. He’ll never get over what happened with his mom and dad. He’ll never give it try. At least I know that now.
A Couple Weeks Later…
“There’s a football game tonight. Wanna go?” Sander asks.
I didn’t.
Football games have always been something I enjoyed. In high school, they always served hot cocoa even before the weather got cold. I’d load mine up with marshmallows and sit tucked under Sander’s arm as he would watch the game and react vividly to each and every play. I preferred watching the people around me and chatting with Lauren and whoever else sat with us at the time. I liked tailgating beforehand and then heading to get food afterward. It was the atmosphere of football games that I loved—the smell of hot dogs and the sounds of sloshing sodas as people went up and down the bleachers.
But there is no way on God’s green Earth I was going to this football game with Sander.
“I don’t think so,” I say and give him a small frown, indicating how sorry I am.
“What?” His eyebrows squish together, confused. “Why not?”
In my head I answer truthfully. Because I don’t want anyone to see me with Sander and then running back to Colton and telling him. I don’t want Clarissa to see me or any of the guys. That’s the last thing I need. I’m not “technically” in a relationship with either one of them. As far as I’m concerned I’m dating them both. Yet, I felt the overwhelming need to hide the one from the other.
That should have been a sign to me. It really should have told me what I’m doing wasn’t quite right.
“I just don’t feel like it,” I answer instead.
“Oh come on, Lilly! We always go to the football games! It’ll be like old times,” Sander explains and my frown deepens. He’s right. I said I was going to give him a chance, and I can’t shoot down his way of showing me how we still fit perfectly together. He must see that he’s about to win this one, because he starts to smile and continues, “I’ll buy you a large cocoa,” he says it almost seductively. “With extra marshmallows,” he whispers into my ear.
I bat him away and laugh. “Fine!” I concede.
Football games don’t seem like the kind of things Colton would be into anyway. In fact he and the guys might have a gig or something, which means Clarissa will be at the bar with them. I shouldn’t be worried about anyone being there. Everything is going to be fine. I’ll go, have some fun with Sander, and Colton will never even know about it. I’ll call Colton tomorrow, and we’ll go to his house or maybe out to the field again.
Remembering that trip with Colton makes me forget that Sander is sitting right next to me. It felt so right having Colton laying next to me in the field with overgrown grass and wild flowers, both of us laying there looking up at the sky and thinking to ourselves. He didn’t interrupt my thoughts, and I didn’t interrupt his. We just laid there. When we couldn’t stand not touching any longer, he moved over, his left side pressed firmly against my right.
When he had finally turned to look at me after I had already been watching him, we laid there for what seemed like an eternity and stared at each other. It was comfortable and unbelievably romantic and surprisingly sensual. We stayed like that until I couldn’t take it anymore, and I leaned in and pressed my lips against his.
“What’s on your mind, baby girl?” Sander says next to me in the car. We’re on our way to go buy the tickets to the game. We have to buy them a few hours in advance to make sure they don’t sell out.
I shake my head, trying my best to rattle the thoughts from my head and to instead focus on the man sitting to my left.
“Nothing. Just excited for the game,” I lie. I start rubbing my chest nervously. This can only last for so long before one or the other finds out that I’m seeing both of them. That’s just a catastrophic wreck waiting to happen. I’ll have to make a choice soon. I know I do. Do I choose Sander? The man that I know wants a relationship with me, the man who’s trying to win me back? The man who’s trying to fix his life? Do I choose Colton, the man who has been there for me even when he barely knew me, who makes me weak in not just my knees but my entire body, who makes me feel like I can do and be anything I want to be? But, he’s also the one I’m not sure wants to be with me. I don’t even know if he’s ever considered an actual future with me.
Sander reaches over and squeezes my leg,
right above my knee. My automatic response is to pull away from his touch. A touch that I was once accustomed to is now foreign. Sander looks over at me questioningly.
“Tickled,” I say. Another lie.
We pull up to the ticket box. Sander jumps out of the car and up to the window. I watch as he talks with the lady behind the booth counter and then hands her the money for the tickets. As he runs back to the car and hops in, he holds the tickets up and waves them at me. “Got em baby. It’s going to be a good game.”
Maybe it will be, but there’s a sickening feeling building in my stomach like I shouldn’t get my hopes up because maybe… just maybe… the game I’ve been playing might come to an end.
Images flash to my mind of the fight that would take place.
Colton sees my hand gripped by Sander’s. A look in his eyes says he’s feeling murderous. He has never met Sander, but the mere thought of me holding the hand that once had a grip around my throat sickens him. Is he really seeing this, seeing his Lilly with her abusive ex-boyfriend?
He marches up to us. My eyes widen with nervousness and fear that the two men in my life are about to meet. Sander doesn’t even know about Colton. My cheeks redden as I chew on my bottom lip.
“What the hell is this?” Colton demands.
“Who the fuck are you?” Sander asks and pushes me to the side—not hard, but hard enough that it gets Colton’s attention.
“Don’t you dare touch her you sorry, no good piece of shit,” Colton growls.
“Lilly, who is this guy,” Sander asks and points his thumb towards Colton.
“Don’t even look her. Don’t talk to her, and don’t you even think of touching her.” Colton says.
Sander grabs my shoulders roughly and demands and answer, “Who is this guy, Lilly!”
Colton grabs the back of Sander’s collar and pulls him away from me. I scream.
“Did you not hear me you idiot?!” Colton spits into his face, “Don’t. Fucking. Touch. Her.”
Colton rears his right arm back and slams his fist into Sander’s face. He continues pounding. Sander only gets in a few hits, but they are weak in comparison to Colton’s infuriated punches. Sander growls as he begins to fall to his knees in pain.
“I’m going to kill you,” Sander says through gritted teeth.
Colton laughs. He starts to laugh hysterically, crazed by his anger. He leans forward, eye level with Sander, and then wraps his hands around Sander’s neck.
“Colton, stop it!” I beg and plead.
Colton leans even closer and begins to apply pressure to Sander’s neck. Sander starts grabbing at Colton’s hands to find relief and take a breath, but Colton refuses to let his fingers loosen.
“How does it feel to know that I can take away the air you are breathing? To know that my fingerprints will align across your neck for weeks to come? To know that if I wanted to I could kill you right now? I have that power over you… You will never hold that power against Lilly again,” he says in an angry whisper.
Sander’s cheeks are becoming pale and his eyes are beginning to roll back as he struggles to stay awake and alert.
Colton lets go and stands as if nothing has happened.
What a nightmare. I can’t allow that fight to ever occur.
As I look out my window in Sander’s car, making our way to the football game, I allow my mind to drift to other things…
Colton and I have been texting each other every day. It’s become a daily ritual. I get a good morning text, which is sometimes followed by an “are you seriously still asleep text.” Then we proceed to goof off via text and send way too many wink faces. I’ve learned that Colton wakes up early every day. He makes a pot of coffee and starts his day. He’s an artist, so sometimes he leaves his house and comes to the school’s arts building so that he can draw in peace. I, on the other hand, like to sleep in on the days I don’t have an early class. He thinks I’m crazy for wasting away my day sleeping; I think he’s crazy for not sleeping when he has the chance.
Ever since the night in the field, things between us have become more intense but also more friendly. We actually talk about a lot of different things in our lives. We chat a lot about ours pasts and share funny, sad, and angry stories. He’s told me the reasons for most of his tattoos. He said most of them have stories, but a couple of them were just because he liked them. His dragon is one of the tattoos he just got because he thought it looked cool. He’s right, that tat is hot. I still haven’t seen the end of that tail yet. He draws up the sketches for his tattoos and a friend of his cuts him a deal every time he comes in for a new piece.
He laughed when I said I wasn’t sure I could ever go through with getting a tattoo, because I’m pretty sure my parents would murder me. His answer: “Do what makes you happy, babe. Stop listening to what everyone else wants from you and just do what you want.”
I’ve never had someone tell me anything remotely like that before. The thought of that sort of freedom actually existing for me is a foreign thought. He’s right though. I’m an adult. If I want a tattoo, I can get one. If I wanted to drop out of college, I could. It’s still kind of scary to think I have that sort of control.
It’s been weeks of this back and forth playing between Colton and Sander. It’s been hard separating my time to spend half of it with Colton and the other half with Sander and hiding it from both men. One day Sander took me to a coffee shop, and I saw Colton leaving as we were pulling up. I dropped my lipgloss on the floorboard of Sander’s car just for an excuse to duck my head down so Colton wouldn’t see me. That was a close one.
Another day Colton texted me saying he was coming to pick me up. I thought he meant in a few hours; I guess he was only ten minutes away. Sander left two minutes before Colton showed up. My heart almost stopped beating right then and there.
How some people make this a habit, I have no clue. It’s like living two separate lives, and I’m two different Lillys. With Sander I’m the Lilly from high school. With Sander I have to try and ignore all of the things that have happened since we went off to college. I have to forgive and try to forget, and for the most part he really has gone back to the Sander I remember, the Sander I imagined marrying one day.
With Colton I’m someone completely different. I don’t even really know this Lilly yet. She’s new. I’m not sure if she’s better or worse, but she’s certainly different. She’s more passionate than she ever was in the past. She tries to live in the here and now while also looking toward the future. She’s constantly thinking about what will make her happy in life.
I worry that I’m getting attached to the part of me that only comes out when I’m with Colton (and maybe worried I’m getting attached to Colton too), and something is going to happen to make him leave me. I convinced myself that getting into this whatever-we-have was just going to be for fun, but at this point I’d be a fool to say that I didn’t feel something more.
We find a parking space. Not really. We find an empty patch of grass and park in it. All the other spaces are taken. We hand our tickets over and start searching for faces we know in the large crowd of people and empty seats.
Sander starts waving at someone. I’m not sure who it is, but he grabs my hand to lead me in the direction he saw his friend. We go up the bleachers, which always scares me, and then I see the person Sander has been waving to and who we are about to sit with… Bryan. I grind my teeth together in an effort to keep from demanding that we find somewhere else to sit. That would be rude. I take a seat on the other side of Sander so that I don’t have to be any closer to Bryan than absolutely necessary.
“Aren’t you going to say hi?” Bryan says with a condescending smile.
I grimace. “Hi,” I say shortly.
“You still mad?” he asks.
I ignore him and start looking around the bleachers. I know I won’t see any of my friends, because none of them would come to a football game. I do spot a few faces that I know from my classes, but no one that I’m close with.
Looks like I’m going to be stuck listening to whatever dumb thing comes from Bryan’s mouth. I know that Sander can’t completely stop talking to Bryan because they are roommates. But I didn’t think he would spend time with him outside of living together, since I’m pretty sure Bryan is the person that got Sander into drugs in the first place.
Sander puts an arm around my shoulders, but directs most of his conversation to Bryan. Once the game begins there is so much yelling and cheering that I can’t hear Bryan over any of it. It’s a welcome change. If I had to listen to him make some crude joke about one more girl, I was going to shove my foot so far up his ass I’d lose my shoe… and I really like these shoes.
We’re winning the game by half time. The cheerleaders are about to do their dance routine when I lean over to Sander.
“Hey, how about that hot chocolate?” I grin at him.
Sander nods. “I’ll go grab one for you right now.” He smiles and turns to Bryan, “Hey man wanna run down there with me?”
I’m confused why he didn’t ask me to go with him. “Do you want me to go?” I ask.
“Nah, baby girl. You can save our seats, and we’ll be right back.”
That makes sense. I give him a quick kiss on the cheek as he and Bryan retreat down the bleacher steps.
It’s then that I look up and catch the most beautiful pair of hazel eyes that have the power to knock me off my feet and right on my back. Usually seeing those eyes makes me flush with excitement and causes happy butterflies to surface in my stomach, but instead my stomach drops, the butterflies crash and burn, and the flush makes its way to my cheeks. Colton just saw me with Sander. Colton just saw me kiss Sander. Colton may or may not have seen Sander’s arms wrapped tightly around me. He may have seen me whispering in Sander’s ear.
A flash of pain crosses Colton’s face and then quickly changes to fury. The only other time I’ve seen him look this way was when he picked me up after the incident with Sander. Even then, he wasn’t mad at me; now he is.