His father was dead.
Avenant still couldn’t fully process it. Vincent’s cold hatred had been such a constant that he didn’t know how to navigate his life without it. Since Avenant had attacked Vincent in the throne room, their relationship had been worse than ever. They barely spoke, most of their communication reduced to chilling glares and pointed insults. He kept expecting his father to pop up and ridicule him for falling for this elaborate hoax.
Although not even Vincent could’ve faked an explosion that big.
His father had died touring an oil platform. If he’d read any of Belle’s environmental pamphlets, he would’ve known it was operating with fourteen different code violations, but Vincent had never been very interested in other people’s opinions. He’d allowed the drillers to cut corners and pocketed their bribes and look where it got him…
Blown into so many pieces that his whole body fit in a freezer bag.
Rumors abounded that Avenant had “helped” with the accident, but, in truth, he hadn’t been involved in his father’s death. He just didn’t mourn for the man. Just like he hadn’t mourned for his mother. He’d never felt close to them or anyone else in his family. Pretending otherwise was pointless.
All his life he’d heard stories about his proud lineage, but they’d been impersonal lessons instead of tales designed to span generations. His parents didn’t care if he felt a bond with them or understood any of his ancestors. They just wanted to make sure he didn’t disgrace them. They’d both made their choices and none of their choices ever involved loving him.
It would be weakness to care for people who’d shown him nothing but disgust.
At his father’s funeral, he was dry-eyed and distant. He heard the whispers, noting his lack of emotion. Witnessed the glances of disapproval as he didn’t give a eulogy lying about what a wonderful dad and prince Vincent had been. Saw them all waiting for the Icen Throne to melt underneath him. So far, it hadn’t, much to their dismay. Avenant seized control of the kingdom before anyone could stop him. Nobody was strong enough to take what was his, so fuck them all.
Avenant had no illusions about his citizens. They were never going to accept him as their ruler. They saw him as a beast. Why even try reaching out to them when it was hopeless? Better to reject them, before they rejected him. Better to make them fear him, right from the start. All the people who avoided his gaze or cringed away were going to know real terror. He was going to make sure this kingdom never forgot who was in charge.
Bad or not, he controlled the Northlands and everybody in it.
Avenant was the last one in the graveyard, stoically watching the coffin be lowered into ground. His parents were gone. He was free. Except he didn’t feel free. He didn’t feel anything.
He sensed Belle before he saw her. It was always like that. The Beast detected her presence and started pacing, trying to get closer to her warmth. Avenant slowly turned his head as she came up next to him, taking in her somber outfit.
“Black isn’t your color.” He decided. She was too bright for the stark shade. Too full of life. She didn’t belong in this graveyard, paying respects to a man who’d wanted her raped. She belonged in the brilliant yellow sunlight.
Belle ignored his opinion. “I’m sorry about your father.” She said, quietly. “I know how hard it is to lose your parents.”
“I’m twenty-seven. Hardly an orphan.”
“You feel like an orphan no matter how old you are.” Her chocolate gaze stared up at him. “Give yourself a chance to grieve.”
He snorted at that idea. “I didn’t even like my parents.”
“I don’t think it matters. They were still your parents.” Belle chewed her lower lip. “Do you need anything?”
She was the first person to ask him that. Everyone else knew better. He rolled his eyes and told himself not to be touched. She wasn’t asking because she cared about him. The woman was just pitifully Good. As much as he hated to admit it, Vincent had been right. Belle would never love him. Not in the way he longed for. She couldn’t.
He was a beast.
“I’m Prince of the Northlands, now.” He reminded her flatly. “My word is law. Didn’t you hear all the whining from the lawyers, before I arrested them? Everything I need is one royal decree away.”
“I wasn’t asking the Prince of the Northlands. I was asking Avenant.”
Shit.
Just like that, his defenses crumbled. Before he felt nothing; now he felt far too much. Avenant’s lips pressed together, not trusting himself to speak for a long moment. If he did, he’d break down. “I’m fine.” He said shortly. “Go home. You’ve done your duty and sucked up to the new monarch.”
“That’s not why I came and you know it.”
“Then why did you come?” He flashed her a glare. “To bitch at me about how I’m becoming a dictator?” Avenant already knew Belle was going to oppose his rule at every turn. He had absolute power, now. He could have her killed fifty different ways, but she never seemed to notice. She just kept fighting. He didn’t understand how she could be so blind to the fact that she was outmatched.
Or how she kept fucking winning.
“Well, you are becoming a dictator.” She began. “You used the funeral to stage a coup…”
Avenant cut her off. “I don’t need to hear about how I’ve oppressed puppies or littered in a school zone, alright? I already have kids sending me crayon hate mail about my evilness.”
“You cancelled Mother Goose’s TV show! What do you expect?”
“Those damn puppets were annoying me. They were singing some so-called ‘rhyming’ song about how your True Love is your best friend, till the end, it just depends, on you Good inten…sions. And that doesn’t rhyme, at all.” Also, it was a total lie. He was getting pissed off just thinking about it. “That squawking bitch was rotting the brain of every child in my kingdom and I needed to stop her.”
“Mother Goose helps preschoolers learn to read. Don’t you want an educated populous?”
“No. I want them beaten down and toiling.”
“You’re impossible. I don’t know why I even bother.”
“Look, I’m sure you have a list of a thousand things I’ve done wrong, so far. But, right now, I just want…” Avenant trailed off because he had no idea what he wanted, aside from Belle to stay with him. The thought of going back to that empty castle triggered his claustrophobia, making him want to wrench at his tie and suck in oxygen.
He should have ordered some kind of reception. He hadn’t wanted the normal array of sycophantic people around, pretending to care. But, at least they’d be something. He didn’t want to be alone. Why was he always alone?
Belle’s annoyance seemed to fade as she gazed up at him. “We can talk about your insane power grab later.” She assured him quietly. “I’m sorry. I’m not here to continue our war. I promise. Today, we should just focus on getting you through this.”
“Oh great. Do we get to share our feelings?”
“If you’d like.” Belle offered. “It would probably be really good for you.”
“I don’t have any feelings.”
“I’m sure you’d like to think that’s true.” She muttered. “Look, you should come home with me. I can make you dinner. You probably haven’t eaten.”
“I have cooks.” He refused to give into temptation. “I can eat anything I want, anytime I want.” She was inviting him because she felt sorry for him and he couldn’t stand that. It was worse than even her scorn. “I don’t need you or your pity.”
God, how he needed her.
Belle was quiet for a long moment. “Do you want to be alone?”
“Yes.”
No!
Belle let out a sigh and turned to go. “Okay.”
Goddamn it, why didn’t she ignore what he said and stay? It wasn’t like she’d ever listened to him before. The Beast was roaring in his head, screaming that he was an idiot. Avenant didn’t need the monster to tell him what he already
knew, but he couldn’t stop himself from pushing Belle away. If he didn’t, she’d see how weak he was. He wanted to beg her not to leave. He wanted to tell her every feeling inside of him. He just wanted to cling to her warmth.
But, the last time he’d tried opening up to her, she’d almost broken him. He didn’t even blame her for not wanting him. Not really. His father had been right. Nobody could ever want a beast. Avenant had been an idiot to approach Belle at prom. The way to victory wasn’t with begging, it was through strength.
He was going to run the Northlands with an iron fist. He’d show Belle that he could win against all the people who hated him. That he wasn’t one of her pathetic charity cases. That he was strong. Then, she’d look at him and just… know.
She’d finally surrender.
Belle took a step, hesitated, and then turned back to him. “You don’t always have to be so cold, you know. It’s okay to have emotions. No one will think less of you if you let go.”
“Bad things will happen if I let go.”
“Maybe. But, what will happen if you keep hanging on so tightly?”
Avenant shot her a frown. “Exactly the same thing that’s been happening all my life.”
“Exactly.” Belle gave him a sad smile and walked away.
Chapter Seventeen
Don’t trust a beast.
E-I-E-I-O
Testimony of Old MacDonald- The People of the Northlands vs. Prince Avenant
“I feel like you’re looking at my behind. Are you looking at my behind?”
“Absolutely, I am.”
Belle stopped climbing and glowered down at him.
“What? You said you wanted me to be honest.” Avenant sounded like she was the one being unreasonable. “You have an incredible ass. Of course I’m going to look at it. It’s certainly better than staring down at the ground, isn’t it?”
Belle sighed in frustrated. “Why don’t we switch places and I’ll sexually objectify you, for a while.”
It wasn’t that she minded his ogling exactly, but her nerves were frayed and he was a convenient target. She really hated heights. A lot. Falling through the rabbit hole had been scary enough, but this was freaking her out. It took everything in her to put one hand in front of the other.
Don’t look down. Don’t look down. Don’t look down.
“I would love for you to do all kind of sexual things to me, Bella.” His hand gripped her ankle, helping her find a foothold. “But, I need to be back here to make sure you don’t fall. You can’t see as well as I can.”
Damn it, it was hard to argue with him when he was being logical. Belle made a face and kept climbing up the stone wall. They were ten stories in the air, with nothing but jagged rocks beneath them. Knoss had better be right about the bridge.
“Explain to me again why you can see in the dark and I can’t.” She instructed. She could concentrate on something besides her impending pancaking into two-dimensionality.
“The Beast.” Avenant said shortly.
She could tell by his tone that he didn’t want to talk about it. That just encouraged her to press harder. If they were going to make this True Love thing work, he was going to have to open up. Even if she had to use force. “So you can see better or the Beast can see better?” She asked, wanting to understand.
“Both of us. I can see through his eyes.”
Belle considered that for a moment. “Maybe you’re just seeing through your eyes.”
“What?”
“Maybe there isn’t a ‘both’ of you. Maybe there’s just one of you. Maybe what you think is a Beast is just a part of you that you’re trying to repress.”
“That’s insane.”
“Is it? You’re not someone particularly in touch with his feelings.” Belle dug her fingers into the next handhold and dragged herself up another few inches. Don’t look down. Don’t look down. Don’t look down. “I think you try to wall up huge parts of yourself and maybe the Beast is just one of those parts.”
“It’s a physical change, Belle. It’s not all in my head.”
“So? Wolves physically change. They turn from people into…”
He cut her off, sounding affronted. “First you compare me to minotaurs and now wolves?”
“Oh for God sake. I’m not saying…” She broke off with a cry as gravel moved beneath her hand. Belle slid backward, trying to find purchase. For one heart stopping second, she thought she was going to fall. She looked down into the darkness and swore she could see it rushing up to meet…
Instantly, Avenant’s palm was there to steady her. Belle released a relieved breath, her pulse pounding in her ears. It was okay. Avenant was right behind her, keeping her safe.
“Thank you.” She got out.
“You’re welcome, my love.”
She loved it when he called her that. The man was a total jerk, but she might just be adapting to having him around. “Anyway, I’m not saying you’re a wolf.” She continued, resuming the climb. Don’t look down. Don’t look down. Don’t look down. “Not that there’s anything wrong with being a wolf, Mr. Judgmental.”
He gave a snort. “You clearly haven’t spent much time with Marrok.”
Belle disregarded that. “I’m just saying that wolves go through physical changes, but they’re still who they are.”
“Yeah, they’re still wolves.” Avenant snarked. “I’m not a wolf. They’re refugees from the zoo and I’m a prince.”
God, he really was a snob. “Just take a second and think about the maybes. Maybe you shouldn’t try so hard to keep this ‘Beast’ part of you separate. Maybe if you let it loose, you’ll find out that it isn’t so Bad. Maybe your claustrophobia and emotional frigidity comes from boxing up huge parts of yourself. Maybe you have to accept all the aspects of yourself if you’re going to be whole.”
“Maybe I’d sooner jump off the rocks than think about those maybes.”
She really wished he wouldn’t talk about jumping. “Just try to think about it, then.”
He gave an unconvinced grunt. “You’re almost to the top. How about you focus on reaching it and I’ll focus on your cute little posterior and we’ll skip the psychoanalysis.”
Belle made a face. “You can never just admit when I’m right.” She heaved her way onto the summit and then turned to help him up. “Are you okay?” She asked when they were both standing on solid ground. “Did the climb hurt your shoulder?”
Avenant frowned at her as she checked the makeshift bandage she’d fashioned for him earlier. “You shouldn’t show any weakness.” He lectured in a particularly lecture-y tone. “You worry about my bullet scratch or waste your time trying to find the Good side of the Beast, when you should’ve left me behind and had Knoss show you this path on your own. You won’t win unless you’re strong.”
“I’ll bear that in mind.” Belle assured him dryly. “How’s your shoulder?”
He let out a sigh that suggested he was sane one in their relationship. “It’s fine.”
“Good.” Belle moved on to check the gash on his temple. “How’s your head?”
“You’re so fucking soft.” For once, it didn’t sound like a complaint. Instead, Avenant gave her a small smile, as if he found her amazing. “Even when I know I should try and change you… I would never want you to change.”
“Of course you wouldn’t.” She arched a brow. “Because you think you’re going to beat me. But, you won’t. I’m not going to lie down and just let you win.”
“I don’t want you to let me win.” He adjusted the backpack over his arm and shook his head. “That won’t get me what I’m after.”
“It would get you the sword. What else is there?”
Avenant rolled his eyes and headed in the direction of the bridge. “What do you think? I want you to give me a chance. I told you that. This contest is just a means to an end.”
She had no idea how his mind worked sometimes. “So, you really did all this to convince me we were True Loves?”
&nbs
p; “Yes.”
“What if someone else gets to Excalibur first? Did you even think of that?”
He scoffed at that idea. “No one else will free that sword.”
“What if they do? Or what if I do? What if you lose the Northlands because you were so determined to maneuver me into bed?”
Avenant gave an unconcerned shrug. “Then, I’ll figure out a way to get it back.”
“What if you can’t?” She hurried to catch up with him. “You say I make emotional choices, but it doesn’t seem like you’ve been acting so rationally, either.”
And that gave her more hope than anything else he’d done.
Belle needed to be important to the man she married. She needed to be the most vital part of his world. Growing up, her parents had forgotten to set a place for her at dinner countless times, because she just wasn’t important enough to remember. They once went on a weeklong vacation and didn’t notice that they’d left her at home. If she’d blinked out of existence, they probably would’ve just felt guilty relief that she wasn’t around to embarrass them at cocktail parties and then never thought of her again. Belle couldn’t spend the rest of her life as the overlooked guest in her own family. She wouldn’t.
The more she thought about it, though, the more it seemed like Avenant had just put his crown on the line to try and win her over. If Avenant did something so stupid, then he couldn’t possibly be cold all the way through. This True Love bond must matter to him. That meant maybe Belle could matter to him. She just had to encourage him to drop some of his walls and realize that emotions weren’t so scary, after all.
Since she already knew what she felt for the jerk, the least he could was reciprocate. She just needed to show him how.
Belle took a chance. “Would you have left me behind to go for the sword alone?” They’d agreed to end their partnership when they were close to the finish line, after all. “Do you want to play every man for himself?”
Avenant’s jaw ticked. “No.” The word was quiet. “I want to win with you beside me.”
“And I’m going to win with you beside me.” She assured him sweetly. “That way you can clap in awe.”
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