Nuallan

by Catherine Lievens

  “Why?” Alex asked. There were so many questions in that lone word that Nuallan didn’t know where to start. God, he wanted to explain everything. Alex was his best friend, the only friend Nuallan had. The first friend he’d ever had.

  It had been weird, because Alex had started out being Nuallan’s jailer. Nuallan remembered that time, when the guards had alternated, and Alex had been the only one who’d tried to talk to him. He’d brought Nuallan books and magazines, even though Nuallan was pretty sure he wasn’t supposed to. He’d done his best to make Nuallan talk, and he’d succeeded.

  Nuallan had felt so lonely. He’d been lonely most of his life, but he’d had Neriah before. Now he didn’t even have his brother, and he’d latched onto Alex even though Alex was his jailer.

  But Neriah had never been far from Nuallan’s thoughts, just like Titus’ threats hadn’t. You know what will happen if you don’t kill Kameron. Your brother will pay. You better not come back at all if you don’t kill him.

  That was the only reason Nuallan had tried to kill himself. He’d hoped Titus wouldn’t hurt Neriah if he thought Nuallan had died in the process of trying to kill Kameron. Why should Titus hurt Neriah when Nuallan wasn’t there to see it happen?

  But Alex had saved him. Nuallan couldn’t bring himself to be angry with Alex, because he hadn’t wanted to die, but now he had to stay away from everyone. He knew Titus would find out Nuallan was out and about sooner or later. Then he’d hurt Neriah to get revenge, and Nuallan would rather try to kill himself again than allow that to happen.

  The car swerved.

  Nuallan yelped and grabbed the door handle, looking around, wondering what had happened.

  Alex stopped the car on the side of the road and unbuckled himself. He turned around in his seat and glared at Nuallan, and Nuallan knew he was in deep shit.

  “You’re going to talk, Nuallan, and you’re going to talk now,” Alex said, his voice low and menacing.

  Nuallan shivered. He knew Alex wouldn’t hurt him, but it didn’t mean Alex wasn’t scary. He was a warrior. He knew how to get answers out of people who didn’t want to talk, and honestly, his glare was enough for Nuallan to want to blurt everything out.

  “Alex—”

  “No. I know you’re protecting someone, or at least that you think you are, but trying to kill yourself and locking yourself away in your cell won’t help, not forever.” Alex’s expression softened. “I can help you. Whatever it is, I can help, and you know Kameron will too, if you need it. I need you to trust me, Nuallan.”

  Nuallan sighed. It was so very tempting to tell Alex about Neriah, but it meant Nuallan would have to talk about his past, too. Not that he’d done anything bad, except for trying to kill Kameron. Besides, no matter who Kameron was, he couldn’t just barge into tribe territory and take Neriah, could he? It would create problems, and Kameron and the council didn’t need more of them right now. Why would they help the guy who’d tried to kill one of them, anyway?

  “Nuallan, please,” Alex begged. “I just want to help you. You’re my friend. I can’t stand watching you destroy yourself like this.”

  “I’m not destroying myself.”

  “It’s exactly what you’re doing, and you know it. You’re hiding. You tried to kill yourself. You would have if I hadn’t found you. I don’t want that to happen again. I don’t want to find you in a pool of your own blood ever again, Nuallan. Do you know how scared I was for you? Have you tried imagining what finding you like that did to me? How I felt? Do I matter that little to you?”

  Nuallan shook his head and looked at his hands. “You know I love you.”

  Alex put a finger under Nuallan’s chin and lifted it. Nuallan had to look at him even though he didn’t want to, and he swallowed. Alex looked... sad. He’d tried to get Nuallan to tell him why he’d tried to kill himself so many times, but he’d never looked sad about it. His expression touched Nuallan more than he liked, and he could feel himself caving.

  He wanted to. He wanted to tell Alex about Neriah and ask him to save his brother, but he couldn’t allow Alex to be hurt. He couldn’t allow anyone to be hurt. He’d already done enough of that when he’d attacked Kameron.

  “Nuallan, please. I understand it has to be bad. I don’t know what happened to you in the past or who you had to leave behind when you came here, but nothing will change the opinion I have of you. You’re a great guy, and you don’t deserve to die or to have to renounce your mate.”

  Nuallan’s breath hitched. How could Alex know Ethan was Nuallan’s mate? Had he been so obvious? Probably.

  “Do you still want to die?” Alex asked, his voice a whisper that sounded so loud in the car.

  Nuallan shook his head. “Not anymore. I never...”

  “Why did you want to die?”

  Nuallan sighed. “I thought it would be easier for everyone. I needed to kill Kameron and I didn’t. I couldn’t. Titus would have hurt Neriah, but I thought that maybe if I was dead, he wouldn’t.”

  Nuallan had confused feelings about what had happened that day. He’d made the decision to do something earlier, because he’d put away the knife that had come with his meal for that reason. He shouldn’t have been given it to begin with, but Alex had stopped treating him like a prisoner once they became friends, and Kameron hadn’t had a problem with that as far as Nuallan knew.

  He’d kept the knife, had waited for Alex to carry his tray back to Kameron’s house.

  He’d thought being dead would save his brother and would make Kameron’s life easier. He didn’t have anything left anyway. Not without Neriah.

  He couldn’t go back home. He didn’t have a home anymore.

  He’d become someone he hated, had done something he’d never have done in a normal situation. He’d done it to save his brother, but that didn’t excuse it. Trying to kill someone couldn’t be excused in any way. Nuallan had had a choice, and he’d made his decision. It was the wrong one, and he had to pay for that. He was paying for that.

  He opened his mouth to tell Alex he couldn’t explain, but instead, the truth tumbled from his lips.

  * * * *

  Ethan stared at the retreating car and sighed. He had no idea what the fuck had just happened, and he wasn’t sure he ever would.

  No matter how much he wanted Nuallan—and he still couldn’t understand that—or how much Nuallan seemed to want him, Ethan wasn’t going to push. Nuallan had literally run away from him. It was obvious he didn’t want anything to do with Ethan.

  “You all right?”

  Ethan turned to look at Mal. “I’m not sure.”

  Mal smiled softly. “These things can be confusing.”

  “What things?”

  “Right. Kameron didn’t explain everything.”

  Ethan shook his head. “I wouldn’t know. I left while he was still talking.”

  “To follow Nuallan and Alex out.”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  Ethan frowned. “Why what?”

  “Why did you follow them outside? Didn’t you want to hear about shifters?”

  Ethan shrugged. “I did, but they looked like they were fighting or something, and I wanted to be sure Nuallan was all right.”

  Mal smiled. “And why did you want to be sure he was fine?”

  “Because he looked like he was in trouble. What do you want, Mal?”

  Will was standing beside Mal and shook his head. “Stop being so cryptic. Ethan doesn’t look like he’s enjoying it.”

  Mal turned to look at his boyfriend, and damn, Ethan wanted someone to look at him like Mal looked at Will. It was a mix of love, affection, fondness and irritation, and Ethan felt out of place, like he was witnessing something no one should see.

  “Should we tell him?” Mal asked.

  “I don’t think it’s our place. Nuallan has to have a good reason to keep it to himself.”

  “Maybe, but he tried to kill himself. Ethan might b
e able to help.”

  Ethan grabbed Mal’s arm and forced him to turn to face him. “Nuallan tried to kill himself?”

  Will growled, and Ethan briefly registered the fact that he was right and Will was definitely a shifter. He didn’t care much about it right now, though, not after what Mal had said.

  “Yeah, he did,” Mal answered. “It was a little while ago, before Christmas.”

  “What happened?”

  Will growled again, and Ethan let go of Mal’s arm. Mal put his hand on Will’s chest and stared at him until Will relaxed, then he turned back to Ethan. “He tried to slit his wrists. Managed to. He’d have died if Alex hadn’t found him and brought him to the infirmary. He was lucky Clea was there.”

  Ethan had no idea who Clea was, and he didn’t care. “Why?”

  Mal shrugged. “He won’t tell anyone. He hasn’t tried again, though.”

  Ethan wanted to run after Nuallan and make sure he was fine, but he couldn’t, not when Nuallan didn’t want him to. He hated the situation because it meant he’d be worried sick without being able to check on Nuallan.

  “If I give you my number, will you call me if something happens?” he asked Mal.

  Mal looked at Will again. They looked like they were communicating silently, and Ethan desperately wanted to know what the fuck they were thinking.

  Will shook his head and Mal shrugged. He turned back to Ethan, and Ethan held his breath. “I think you should come back with us.”

  That wasn’t what Ethan had expected Mal to say. “Where?”

  “To the pack. I know since Nuallan didn’t tell you what you are to him, then I probably shouldn’t stick my nose in it, but you have a right to know. You being human isn’t a good enough reason to keep secrets from you, especially not something this big.”

  Ethan shook his head. “I don’t understand anything you’re saying.”

  “You will.” Mal turned to look at Will. “Take the car back home.”

  “What about you?”

  “I’ll ride with Ethan.”

  “Mal...”

  “No. I get what you’re thinking, Will, but you guys need to understand that even though we’re human, we feel the bond. Don’t you see how confused Ethan is? I bet he feels the need to be with Nuallan and to make sure he’s fine, and he doesn’t understand why. He shouldn’t have to wonder and to go crazy because of feelings he can’t explain to himself, not when there’s a perfectly good explanation for them.”

  Ethan was fucking confused, and since it looked like Mal wanted to provide him with answers, Ethan didn’t have a problem giving him a ride. Will looked like he wanted to protest. His gaze went from Mal to Ethan, and Ethan wondered if he was still bugged by Ethan’s old crush.

  “I don’t like him anymore, at least not as more than a friend,” Ethan told Will.

  “Uh?” Mal said, cocking his head.

  Ethan smiled at him. “I used to have the biggest crush on you. Why do you think I was always at the coffee shop?”

  Mal’s eyes widened. “You did?”

  “Yeah, and your boyfriend noticed it. He doesn’t want you to ride with me.”

  Will shook his head. “I know you won’t try anything with Mal.”

  “Then what is it?”

  “I’m not sure Mal should tell you about this.”

  Mal crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Will. “I know you don’t think I should, but I think you’re wrong.”

  “It should still be Nuallan’s choice.”

  Mal snorted. “It would be if he were the only one involved in this. He’s not. This affects Ethan’s life just as much as it does Nuallan’s.”

  Will shook his head again. “I know you’ll do it, no matter what I have to say about it. Just remember I have nothing to do with this when Alex decides to pummel you into the ground for doing something Nuallan didn’t want.”

  Mal waved. “As if you’d let Alex touch me. Besides, this has nothing to do with Alex.”

  “I’d agree if it wasn’t so obvious that Alex cares very much for Nuallan.”

  Ethan had had enough. “Look, whether you decide to tell me whatever you want to tell me or not, I’m leaving. I don’t want to spend the rest of the day standing in this parking lot.” He wanted to know, but he couldn’t force anyone. Mal needed to make the decision, and he needed to make it now, before Ethan left and went to look for Nuallan on his own.

  Mal looked around. “Where’s your car?”

  Ethan pointed at his truck. Mal angrily kissed Will’s cheek and stomped toward the truck. Ethan arched a brow at Will, who shrugged and walked to his own car. These people were crazy, and Ethan wondered whether he might catch it if he started spending more time with them.

  He shook his head and smiled. Maybe all shifters were that way. He’d have to ask Mal.

  Mal was waiting next to his truck, so Ethan unlocked it and climbed inside. He waited until Mal was buckled in to ask the question he’d been dying to ask. “Are you a shifter too?”

  Mal laughed. “God, no. I’d suck as a shifter. I’m human.”

  “Will isn’t, though.”

  “Nope. He’s a bear shifter.”

  “That explains the growls, I guess.”

  Mal waved. “You were touching me. That explains the growls.”

  “I was touching your arm.”

  “Well, you grabbed me. You didn’t hurt me, but Will didn’t like it. He’s a bit overprotective.” Mal looked sideways at Ethan. “I guess you will be too, although since you’re human, it won’t be as showy.”

  “Okay, spill the beans, Mal.”

  “I don’t know if Kameron was planning to tell everyone this or whether he did, since I left early, but shifters have mates.”

  “Mates?”

  “You know, like soul mates. One person who was born for them, or handpicked by fate. No one knows how it works. Anyway, it’s the one person who’s perfect for them, and once they bond with that person, they’ll be together forever.”

  “Okay.”

  “Nuallan isn’t a shifter, but you’re his mate.”

  Ethan froze. He managed to shake himself almost right away since he was driving, but his brain was stuck on the news that he was Nuallan’s mate. What did that even mean? Mal had kind of explained it, but Ethan had a hard time believing it.

  He swallowed. “He’s not a shifter?”

  “Nope. He’s a Nix. It’s a kind of fairy. He’ll explain it to you.”

  “All right. So I’m his mate? His soul mate?”

  “I think so, yeah.”

  “Why did he leave, then? Why didn’t he tell me? He sure didn’t look like he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.” That wasn’t exactly true. Nuallan had looked like he wanted to stay, but he hadn’t. Something had driven him away.

  “I don’t know. There’s a lot of backstory you need to know. But I think Nuallan should be the one to tell you. I told you about the mate thing because I think it’s your business as much as Nuallan’s, even though you’re not able to feel the bond as much between the two of you, but that’s all I’ll say. You’ll have to ask him for the rest.”

  Asking Nuallan what was going on was exactly what Ethan was planning to do.

  * * * *

  Nuallan was exhausted by the time Alex finally parked in front of Kameron’s house. He really wanted to go back home. He didn’t see his cell as a cell anymore, hadn’t in a while. The small cabin was as comfortable as a home could be, and it wasn’t like Nuallan was actually locked in it. He probably should accept Kameron’s offer and move into the main house, but he still wasn’t sure it was a good idea. How could Kameron want a man who’d tried to kill him—albeit not very well—to live with him and his mate?

  Alex turned the engine off and stared ahead, his hands on the steering wheel. “We’re going to go in there, and you’re going to tell Kameron about your brother,” he said, and his tone didn’t give Nuallan any alt
ernative.

  Either he told Kameron what he’d just told Alex, or Alex would do it for him.

  Nuallan sighed. He was tired of hiding, of keeping everything to himself. That was probably the reason he’d blurted everything out to Alex even though he shouldn’t have. That, and the fact that he’d just met his mate and really wanted Ethan to be a part of his life. It wouldn’t be possible if Nuallan didn’t solve this clusterfuck first, and he knew it.

  “All right.”

  Alex relaxed. “I still don’t understand why you didn’t tell anyone.”

  “I—”

  “No. Trying to kill yourself was the stupidest thing you could do. You had so many other options. You know Kameron would have helped you if only you’d asked.”

  “No, I don’t know that. You know as well as I do that he thought I was a cold-blooded assassin until I tried to kill myself and he took pity on me. I would have stayed in my cell if I hadn’t done that.”

  “You know that’s not true. Even I know that, and I haven’t been here long.”

  Nuallan shook his head. There was no convincing Alex of this. Nuallan knew it, and that it was useless to insist. He’d never change Alex’s mind anyway.

  He got out of the car just as Will parked next to him. Nuallan wasn’t surprised to see a truck turn in front of the house seconds later. He should have known either Mal or Will would stick their noses into this. He was betting on Mal.

  Sure enough, Mal climbed out of the truck as soon as it was parked. He didn’t even look at Nuallan and made a beeline for Will. Nuallan shook his head and ignored Ethan, who was climbing out of his truck. He walked up the porch steps instead and entered the house without knocking.

  He bumped into someone exiting. The man raised his hands and grabbed Nuallan’s arms to steady him. Nuallan looked up, a thank you on his lips, but the words never passed them.

  He froze as he stared up at Jarah. His tribe’s second in command was the last person Nuallan had expected to see in Kameron’s house, walking around freely like he obviously was.

  Nuallan pushed against Jarah’s chest. “Let me go!”