After quite a long time, they went to sleep.
*
The day after the wedding, they went to Nadine’s parents’ house on Bayswater Road. She had not been home since the end of the war. Not for Christmas. Not at all. She had written bland letters to her mother saying she was all right, and less bland ones to her father saying she would come soon, but the fog of shock and exhaustion in which they had been dwelling at that time had prevented her from properly recognising the cruelty of staying away. Neither she nor Riley had even told their parents where they were living. It had been part of the silent arrangement. Nothing, till spring. Just a suspension between past and present which allowed them to attend to neither.
They stood on the steps in the front garden, their backs to Kensington Gardens, the door shiny before them, and each gave the other a brave look as Riley rang the bell. Nadine took Riley’s hand, and he felt the flow of feeling shared and supported by the physical union: two bodies stronger than one, two hearts more capacious. Being – becoming – more than the sum of their parts.
A maid answered, and he wondered what had become of Barnes: perhaps he joined up after all. Perhaps he got killed. Or perhaps he got that guesthouse with Mrs Barnes. Let’s hope so. It’s been six months since the end.
Lady Waveney was home, and Sir Robert too, the maid said, Who could she say was calling?
‘I’m Nadine,’ said Nadine, and the girl blinked, and said: ‘Oh! She’s in there, Miss …’, and stared: the prodigal daughter returning, and with a wounded officer …
Riley knew the look, and what it meant: Oh my word, oh poor thing, such nice eyes, and it’s not right to stare, but how can she bear him? He didn’t stare back at the maid. And when he and his bride went into the beautiful, unchanged, unforgotten drawing room, all velvets and spring light and rather good paintings, he allowed his new motherin-law a few moments, too, to look at his face, before he looked up at hers. His determination and habit was to wear his scars without apology but with kindness. The last time they had met (Jacqueline, Lady Waveney, what was he meant to call her?), he had had only his scar from Loos, the little dashing cut on his cheekbone, the clean, romantic, officer-in-a-duel-of-honour scar. So he would be a shock, with his reconstructed jaw, his twisted mouth, his slightly too-long hair lying only slightly effectively over the scars where the skin flaps had been taken from his scalp and brought down to cover his new chin. He was beginning to realise that he did not know what he looked like to anyone else. People said his surgeon, Major Gillies, had done a good job, and Major Gillies himself said it had healed well, and Riley chose to believe this was true. It would have been unhelpful to do otherwise. However. He had learnt that he had to be patient, and allow everyone who saw him their own response, and if necessary lead them through their shock and doubt to the fact that he had accepted his lot. This despite the fact that his speech was not entirely clear. Oh, and he had to let them understand that unclear speech did not equate to an unclear mind. This too was turning out to be part of his responsibility, every time he spoke to someone new. Or, indeed, someone from before. He hadn’t on the whole been meeting new people.
Jacqueline, wearing a luxurious old-fashioned kind of house-gown, her red hair piled up, was doing something with a plant by the long window at the back of the drawing room. She turned, and blinked three times. Once to see her daughter. Once to see her with Riley Purefoy. Once to see Riley Purefoy’s face. Then she lifted her hands – to open her arms? For an embrace? Riley couldn’t tell. It turned somehow into a shrug, which was visibly not what she had meant. She put down her secateurs.
‘Oh my dear,’ she said. ‘Oh my dear.’
‘Hello, Mother,’ said Nadine.
Neither of them advanced across the blocked-out distance between them. They seemed to him to be suspended. So he stepped forward, held out his hand to Jacqueline, and said, in his odd, quiet, bold voice, mangled a little through the straitened mouth: ‘Lady Waveney – I am pleased to see you. You look well.’
‘Captain Purefoy,’ she said, nothing more than another blink betraying any response. He was impressed.
‘Mr, I think, by now,’ he said.
‘Oh no,’ she said, with a little passion in her voice. ‘Always Captain. Always. Will you have tea?’
‘Thank you, Mother,’ said Nadine. ‘We will.’
The ‘we’ stopped Jacqueline in her movement towards the bell. She turned, looked, saw: gold ring.
‘Is Sir Robert at home?’ Riley said gently. ‘I need to speak to him. I have left it rather late already …’
‘So you have,’ said Jacqueline. She raised her eyes to stare at him, at her daughter, at him again. No one dropped from anyone else’s look.
‘Well, I …’ said Jacqueline.
Riley observed: Jacqueline covering shock with bred-in-the-bone manners, the calmly beautiful half-smile she wore whenever she didn’t know what to do. Nadine, still in her mother’s presence feeling thirteen years old, naughty, resentful and blank. He saw the careful breath with which Nadine prepared to start the speech she had for her mother.
‘I’ll just call your father,’ Jacqueline interrupted, undercutting her daughter at just the most effective moment. She crossed to ring the bell. The maid, standing agog in the hall, stepped into the room. ‘Call Sir Robert, Mary.’
And Nadine instead burst out: ‘I do hope, Mother, that you’re not going to make some stupid fuss about this, because it’s done, it’s right, and with or without your blessing Riley and I are—’
My brave fighting girl, he thought.
‘Oh no,’ said Jacqueline faintly. ‘My dear. No.’
Nadine fell silent. Her mother looked, in a way, as if she was thinking about something else entirely. Silence drifted round the lovely room; the pale panelling, the dark velvets, the sea colours, the windows full of leaves and light.
What does she mean by that? No, what?
‘So, have we your blessing?’ Riley asked, cautiously. He was fairly sure that was not what she had meant.
Jacqueline looked up. ‘I invited you in here, Riley, all those years ago. Me. I thought you were sweet. I thought you needed drying off and feeding, and you responded, and look at you now. Look what you have made of being knocked into the Round Pond.’
He said nothing. It was not clear whether this was sneering or admiration. Or both.
‘You are an astonishing boy.’
He hadn’t been called a boy in a long time. Ah – it makes her feel better about me. As if I’m not a man, and I haven’t – ah—
Well, madam, you’re closer than you know.
Sir Robert came down the stairs: a clattering, hurrying step, and a figure at the door.
‘What’s going on, my dear?’ he said, before he saw: and when he did the joy in his face was heart-melting, immediate, irresistible. There was no difficulty here. Riley wondered how much it hurt Jacqueline to see the bare-faced love Nadine gave her father, running to him, burying herself in him, visibly radiating the joy she took in the fatherly smell of him; his inky fingers, greyer hair, familiar voice. He held her away to look at her, held her back to his chest to embrace her, held her away again to admire her – and noticed Riley.
‘Purefoy!’ he exclaimed. ‘You cuckoo! Where’ve you been? Good Lord – excuse me, darling – my word.’ He stared, for a moment only, at the face, then gave a tiny sigh and a shake of the head. ‘Well, Purefoy—’ he said, and he strode over, attempted to shake hands, and couldn’t stop himself from embracing.
‘It seems—’ said Jacqueline, with a slightly twisted smile, but Riley broke in and said: ‘Might I have a word with you, sir? In private?’ So little had been correctly done. He would do it correctly. As far as possible.
Sir Robert couldn’t make out what Riley was saying. Riley repeated it.
‘Modern world, Purefoy,’ said Sir Robert, getting the words, but not the purpose of them. ‘No secrets here …’ But he sensed there was something, so he allowed himself to be manoeuvred out of the room, into
the hall. The maid skittered from under their feet, and there they foundered for a moment. Riley did not know where to go. The library, he felt, from novels, was the correct location. There was no library.
‘What is it?’ Sir Robert said. ‘What’s on your mind that the ladies can’t hear?’
Riley grinned his sideways grin. No excuses. No avoidance. No modifying his vocabulary even. Get it done.
He wanted to say that he had a post facto request, but he knew he would not be able to get it out clearly.
‘The horse has bolted, sir,’ he said. ‘I. I. I. Wanted to ask.’
This was hard. All right. Pretend he’s a senior officer. All right. Robert was looking curious, and civil.
‘For Nadine’s hand. To marry her, sir. But. We’re married already.’ Pause. All right. Off we go. Long sentence coming up. ‘Yesterday, sir, without your permission, because if anything had prevented our marrying now, we might not have been able to bear it, sir.’
Sir Robert was concentrating to make out the words, and utterly taken aback – silent – and then: ‘You cheeky little …’ he said. ‘You – it’s not even wartime! Explain yourself, man. Does Jacqueline know about this?’
‘Only just,’ said Riley.
Sir Robert stared at him. ‘Oh, good God,’ he said. ‘What on earth? What am I meant to – have you any money?’ he said. ‘To marry on?’
‘No, sir.’
‘Prospects?’
‘Far from it, sir, as you know.’
‘Dependants?’
‘I hope to have, in due course.’
‘And, er, this?’ Robert gestured to Riley’s face. ‘What about this? I mean – oh, good God.’ The ramifications were filtering through. Wounded, disfigured, penniless, war hero, fait accompli, cheeky sod, bright though, common as muck, his family – good people though, decent working people – and that face, that voice. Oh, good God. What a bloody cocktail.
‘She doesn’t mind it, sir. So I can hardly complain.’
‘Passchendaele, wasn’t it?’ Robert said.
‘Yes, sir.’
Silence.
‘Hmm.’
What a bloody cocktail.
‘So what are you doing with yourself? What are you going to do?’
‘Thinking of Parliament, sir.’
‘What!’
‘The Labour Party, sir.’
‘Are you a Communist, Purefoy?’
An echo of someone else asking him that years ago passed through his mind … Peter. That dugout on the Salient, a conversation about music, the first human look you’d had in months – 1916?
‘No sir,’ Riley said. ‘But I’ve become attached to notions of peace and justice. I believe they’re worth working for.’
‘Good Lord – you didn’t stand, did you?’
‘The election came a bit quick.’
‘Good God.’
Riley stared at him, waiting. Calm, strong.
Sir Robert stared back, ran a hand over his face, and then said: ‘Let’s join the ladies, shall we?’
They could all see by Jacqueline’s still, polite expression, that she was too surprised to know what to think.
‘Riley,’ Sir Robert said. ‘Nadine. You leave us no choice. We are not the kind of people who turn their daughter away – as you should bloody well know – sorry, darling.’
Relief?
He continued: ‘Though you could’ve given us the chance to, well, discuss it, and demonstrate our … spontaneously, if you see what I mean … so we could give our blessing in a more organised fashion …’
‘We didn’t choose,’ Nadine said gently. ‘We had no choice. It was a fact …’
‘I dare say,’ her father said. ‘Of course. And so …’
Jacqueline was staring. ‘Don’t you dare,’ she interrupted. ‘Robert? This is outrageous.’
‘Well …’ he was saying, and Riley could almost see the cold drifting down through Nadine’s limbs.
‘Outrageous,’ said Jacqueline. ‘Unforgivable.’
Riley dipped his head, and took Nadine’s arm into his.
Robert glanced from him to Jacqueline and back. ‘Oh,’ he said. Nadine was frozen.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Robert.
‘They should be sorry,’ Jacqueline said. ‘Well – they will be, won’t they? A silly girl and a boy who doesn’t know his place. How ridiculous.’
Riley saw his new motherin-law’s short breath, and the high triangles of pink on her cheeks. Somewhere, he felt pity and it warmed him through the horrible little silence that sat on the room. Silence can mean so many things. His arm was firm under Nadine’s hand as she let go of it.
‘Well, never mind. Goodbye, Daddy,’ she said, and leant in to give him a kiss. ‘Goodbye, Mother’ – from a safe distance. ‘Don’t worry. As the war’s over, we’ll probably all survive long enough for you to indulge your little fit of pique.’
‘Darling girl,’ Robert said.
‘We’ll see you soon,’ she said, and blew him a kiss on the end of her finger.
Riley watched her: My lovely, beautiful fighting girl.
As soon as they were out of the house she took Riley’s arm again, and held on to it.
‘You up for the next round?’ he asked, and she nodded tightly as they walked.
*
Walking up the street towards Paddington, his family, his childhood, a cloudy shame rose in Riley. Yes, he had every excuse under the sun, but he had neglected them. One afternoon in 1917 his mother had burst into the ward and not recognised him and shrieked and collapsed at the sight of his fellow patients; just before Christmas last year he had arrived out of the blue and stayed for fifteen minutes. Other than that, he had not seen any of them. You could have handled it better, said one little voice; you did your best, said another. Anyway. Now was the time for putting things right.
Up towards the canal, they turned into the little terrace of little houses.
As they came up to the door he could see his mother from the street, scrubbing the inside of the front windows with newspaper. She would have dipped it in vinegar. He remembered the smell. She did it every week; so near the station, things got dirty quickly. A figure moved behind her: Dad.
Riley squeezed Nadine’s hand, and knocked.
A moment or two passed before Bethan opened it. He knew she had been hiding the newspaper wads and taking off her apron.
‘Hello Mum,’ he said, apologetically, and she squeaked, and put her hand to her mouth, and called, ‘John! John!’ And his father came, and dragged him in, and he said: ‘Dad – Mum—’ and though his plan had been just to blurt it out, quick and straight, he found he couldn’t speak at all, so he sat at the kitchen table, and Bethan put the kettle on the hob, and John came through, and looked at him, and patted his shoulders, and said, ‘My boy.’
‘There’s a woman outside in the street, just standing,’ announced a girl, popping round the kitchen door – and, seeing the man at the table: ‘Oh my word, what’s this?’
Riley looked up. Looked down again. Looked up, and laughed. Wispy, pert, blonde, mouthy.
‘Elen?’ he said.
Her face went very wobbly.
‘You look exactly the same,’ he said.
‘Well you don’t,’ she said. ‘What the hell happened to you?’
‘Kaiser Bill stole my jawbone,’ he said, and stood, and smiled, but she pushed past him saying: ‘Excuse me. Four-and-a-half years, Riley. Four-and-a-half years and … three postcards … and a promise of a teddy bear. The war ended last November, or didn’t you notice?’
‘Elen,’ said John. ‘Mind your lip.’
‘I’m right though, ain’t I?’ she said. ‘It’s not fair on Mum. Well I suppose I’m glad you’re back. You are back? Merry! Merry?’
Merry was in the doorway, staring. The little room was already crowded now. How am I going to fit Nadine in here? Merry was darker, heavier built, more guarded. She stared at him.
‘Here’s Riley!’ said Betha
n, encouragingly. They were all in a sudden parabola of cross-currents. So many emotions. Riley felt unsteady. He should have written. It wasn’t fair on them. Sunday afternoon.
‘How do you do,’ said Merry, and Riley flinched. She’d been eight when he left. Both girls were looking at his scars.
‘Yeah, Mum said your jaw was blown off,’ said Elen brutally. ‘That a new one, then?’
‘Yes,’ he said.
‘Fancy,’ said Elen.
‘Make the tea, Elen,’ said John. ‘You all right with tea, son?’
Riley took his brass straw from his pocket, and twirled it sadly at his father. Merry stared at it.
Elen poured the boiling water, and plonked the pot on the table. ‘Well, thanks for turning up, Riley. I’m back off now, Mum. See you next Sunday, same as usual.’
‘Elen,’ said Riley and Bethan.
Elen’s mouth was white as she swept past. Merry hopped out of her way.
‘Elen,’ Riley said again, and turned to follow her. Bethan put her hand on his arm. They both heard Elen say, at the front door, ‘You might as well go in. I don’t know why he’s bothering to be tactful.’
Merry was still staring when Nadine appeared in the kitchen doorway, and said, ‘Hello,’ quietly.
‘Miss Nadine!’ cried Bethan, and John shot Riley a look, and Riley took a big breath before stepping to her side, past the chair and the coal scuttle and Merry. Quick to the kill, quick to the kill.
‘Mum,’ he said. ‘Dad. Nadine and I are married.’
It was Merry’s face his eyes landed on. Big tears were on her young cheeks.
‘Oh, Merry,’ he said. ‘Oh, Merry.’
Silence drifted, pulled and swung between them all. Then Bethan said: ‘We would have liked to have been informed.’
John held his hand out to Nadine. ‘Married,’ he said. ‘You married our boy? Well. Well. Good for you, Miss.’
‘I know it’s all odd,’ Nadine said. ‘Please call me Nadine. I think that will make it less odd. Please.’
Bethan gave a kind of roll back on her heels, a surveying look with a chin lift, which said, ‘so that’s how it’s going to be’.
‘It’s all right, Ma,’ Riley said. ‘We were afraid of a fuss. That’s all. We didn’t even want a wedding. We just wanted to be married.’
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