“But you just asked me to give up everything. Are you doing it because you want company or are you doing it because you love me?” She stood right in front of him, putting the clipboard aside.
He tried to answer her question another way. If avoidance was impossible, maybe a little misdirection might give him time to assimilate conflicting emotions that bombarded him the moment Lucky asked about love. “Of course I love you, Lucky. We couldn’t have had the kind of friendship we have without a strong base of love.”
But Lucky wasn’t going to be put off. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face into his chest. Her voice was muffled. “Is it just a strong base of friendship, Josh? If I asked you to marry me again, would you? Do you love me like that? For better or worse, for richer or poorer?”
She lifted her face and gently placed her lips on his. Josh groaned, as his arms wrapped around her body, which seemed to fit right into him. For better or worse, for richer or poorer. How many times had he recited those vows? How funny he hadn’t fully understood what they meant before now. He depended on Lucky. He so wanted her approval, her support. Against his will, he deepened the kiss, knowing that he was doing exactly the wrong thing. He could feel her tremble and her mouth open as she moaned. And that sound was his undoing. He was suddenly overwhelmed by the passion that smoldered between them. Where had it come from?
Lucky pulled back, her hands resting on his forearms, her eyes shining with love for him. “No one who loved me like a friend would kiss me like that. So, Josh, will you admit it? Do you love me?”
CHAPTER SEVEN
JOSH CLOSED HIS EYES. Trust Lucky to make his escape from Fenelon Falls hard. She was the one person who could force him to examine emotions he didn’t feel like sharing with anyone. It would be better if no one knew how he felt. It would be so easy to lie, to make her believe that what had happened here and on New Year’s Eve was something fleeting. That he’d never cared for her as more than a good friend.
“Josh?” In the way Lucky spoke his name, he could hear all her hopes and dreams for happiness. But he couldn’t be the one to give her that, at least right now. Even if there were times he thought his own happiness was linked to hers. “Please say something.”
“Yes, Lucky, I love you.” He said the words, but he didn’t like the confusion they brought with them. And because he didn’t know how to tell her how he felt he added, his voice sharp to his ears, “Are you satisfied? Is that what you wanted me to say?”
“That isn’t quite the way I wanted you to say it,” Lucky replied with a quick, teasing smile she didn’t feel. Infusing humor into a conversation gone bad had worked for them in the past, but this time, Josh didn’t smile. She pressed her hands together and discovered she was shaking. What should have been elation, felt like guilt, because she’d coerced from Josh something he wasn’t ready to give.
Josh didn’t look like a man in love. He looked like a man pulled in two different directions, irritated because neither choice was right. She added wryly, “I guess I thought it’d be a lot, er, more.”
“Sorry to disappoint,” Josh said and glanced at his watch, and Lucky knew what was coming next. “I’ve got to go.” Yes, that was it. The blunt rejection, much like a blind date gone really bad.
“Josh.” Lucky took a couple of steps to block his exit and put her hand on the sleeve of his jacket. “Please, don’t leave like this.”
“Like what?” he asked. His eyes weren’t on her face, but on the icy sidewalk outside the shop.
“Like you are now.”
Josh sighed heavily. “You know, Lucky, you wanted me to tell you if I loved you. And I did. That’s it. That’s all there is. That’s all I have in me.” His eyes met hers, and she could see the confusion in them and knew the only reason he hadn’t bolted out the door was that he was too well mannered.
But even manners weren’t going to keep him here. He gently broke free of her grasp and walked out of the store. As she watched him go, Lucky couldn’t help feeling that he was finally walking out of her life. He loved her but nothing had changed. His admission didn’t mean he was staying or that he wanted to build a life with her. All she’d accomplished was to take something Josh didn’t want to give her.
Saturday, February 3
JOSH SORTED THROUGH his belongings, wondering when he’d accumulated so much stuff. Some of these things were from his parents—may they rest in peace—but most of it was his own. He grimly acknowledged that he hadn’t anticipated leaving the rectory, so he’d become a bit of a pack rat. Now was as good a time as any to get rid of things he didn’t need. The meteorologists had predicted a huge winter storm would hit tonight, and Josh could hear the wind picking up.
Most of the boxes would have to go into storage. He’d already arranged to rent a room from one of the other ministers who had a young family. The only thing left to do was pack.
Other than make things right with Lucky. She didn’t deserve his anger. He’d acted like a jerk, and more than anything he wanted to apologize and ask her to be his friend again. Of course, knowing Lucky, it would be easier for her to let him go if she was angry with him. Besides, he didn’t believe she’d stay angry forever. And with a real salary at his new position, he’d be able to pay off the credit card bills he’d run up to pay for church repairs the Sunday offerings didn’t cover. Once he had something to offer, he’d come back, see if Lucky was still available. If she was, then he’d propose, giving her the best diamond ring he could find on eBay.
A rapid knocking on the front door startled him. He looked at the clock. It was nearly eleven.
“I see the light!” Lucky yelled and the knocking persisted.
“I’m coming, I’m coming.” Josh wove his way through his box maze and swung open the door. The meteorologists hadn’t lied. He couldn’t even see Lucky’s house across the street. But he could see Lucky standing on his front steps, covered from head to toe, with just enough space between hat and scarf to reveal her eyes. “Come in, come in.” He pulled her into the house.
Shivering, Lucky stamped the snow from her boots. And he realized how much he already missed her. And he knew that was only going to get worse. Determined to get through her visit quickly, he asked, “Are you crazy? You shouldn’t be out in this weather. We could have lost you.”
She unzipped her parka and shrugged out of it. “Power went out at my house,” Lucky began as she took off her ski cap and started to unwind a very long, colorful scarf from around her head and ears.
“Really?” Josh asked, taking her coat, hat and scarf and hanging them on the old wooden coat tree.
“Yeah. It’s pretty cold over there, so I thought I’d see how you were faring.” Her voice trailed off when she noticed the boxes. She looked as if she’d just been punched in the stomach.
“I’m fine, as you can see. Doing a little packing,” he admitted and steered her past the boxes to the sofa.
“Just a little.” Lucky deliberately turned her back to the boxes, but he needed something to do, so he kept on wrapping the myriad crystal and resin angel figurines that people had given his family over the past four decades. When he was little, his mother had told him all the angels were symbols of his father’s good deeds, promising him that when he grew up, he would have his own collection. But times had changed. People didn’t give away angels anymore. “Uh, Luck.” He coughed. “About the other day—”
Lucky waved her hand. “Don’t worry about it.”
“I just want to apologize—”
“It’s forgotten.” She cut him off. She picked up a finger painting and looked at it from different angles. “Is it my imagination or does this resemble a duck looking up?”
Josh peered at him. “You know, I’ve never realized that before.”
“Missy Conner did this.”
Josh nodded. “I think she was three or four.”
Lucky put the picture down and then started to help him wrap figurines. “These are beautiful.”
&nb
sp; “It’s been a long time since someone’s given me an angel.”
Lucky didn’t reply, but continued packing. Josh was grateful for her company. Even though she didn’t like his choice, she was helping him. After twenty minutes, he got up and stretched.
“You want some tea?” he asked.
“What?” Lucky looked up startled. Obviously she’d been a million miles away.
“Do you want some tea?”
“Yes, please.” Then she popped up off the couch. “I can make it.” She brushed past him into the small kitchen before he could stop her. Moments later he heard the kettle rattle and the faucet run. Then he heard what he thought was a muffled sob.
“Lucky?” He checked on her. “You okay?”
She had two mugs in her hands and was staring into the cupboard. She turned to him, accusingly. “You packed the tea away and packed the dishes. I thought you weren’t leaving until the middle of February.”
“That’s less than two weeks away,” he said. “And I didn’t pack the tea, I moved it. It’s in the drawer now.”
“Oh.” Lucky looked down at the drawer he’d pulled out. “There it is.”
She sniffed and watched the flame underneath the kettle. “I never thought you’d leave.”
“People move in and out of our lives all the time.”
“But not you and me.”
The accusation he saw in her eyes pained him. “You and me, too. If I’m gone, you can focus on finding someone who can give you everything you want.” He said it, but he would hate it if she did.
“But why would I want someone else, when I’ve got you?” She refocused her gaze on the kettle as if she could make it boil faster. “Or at least, I had you.”
“Luck—”
A hard thumping on the front door made them both jump. Josh frowned and went to answer the door.
“Mr. Chambers, what’s up?”
“Seth called me. Apparently Emily and Rachel have been in an accident. They’re being transferred to a hospital in Chicago. He’s got to go and he’s looking for Lucky.”
“I’ll be right there,” Lucky said. She’d followed him from the kitchen and was putting on her coat.
“I’ll go with Seth. He’s probably not in any shape to be driving in this storm,” Josh said.
WHEN LUCKY and Josh got to the Conner house, all the lights were blazing, and Seth was pacing in front of the window. He swung the door open and Lucky gave him a big hug.
“Josh is going to drive you, and I’ll look after the kids.”
“They’re all sleeping.” Seth grabbed his coat. “I don’t know what I’m going to do if something bad has happened to Em—”
“We’re not going to think like that. We’re going to get to the hospital and then we’ll take it from there,” Josh said in his most comforting tone, and Lucky realized she’d never loved him more.
Sunday, February 4
LUCKY HAD HER HANDS full when all the Conner children woke up. Missy was a great help and with a minimum of fuss, all the children were dressed and fed and entertained with board games. Lucky had called Jane to cancel Sunday services. Josh had let her know that while the Conner car was totaled, Emily and Rachel only had some bumps and bruises; he would bring them home after the doctor released them.
Needing something to keep her busy, Lucky started cleaning the house, while the smaller children played in the living room. Missy helped her tidy the toys in the children’s room before Lucky tackled the laundry.
As she matched tiny socks and listened to Missy mediate a quarrel she realized yet again how much she wanted this. A home and a family. And every mundane task that went with it. But what she really wanted was all that with Josh. And that wasn’t going to happen.
After two hours of work, she rested and was immediately swarmed by young boys bringing her books to read. As she got to the end of her second reading of Dr. Seuss’s Go Dog Go, the front door flew open and Emily walked in and hugged each of her children tightly, then gave Lucky a look of such gratitude that Lucky had to hold back the tears.
Seth came in behind Emily with Rachel asleep on his shoulder. He put his index finger to his lips, and the excited boys became silent, following Seth and Emily into Rachel’s room to put her in the crib.
When Josh came in, Lucky just stared, so very glad to see him. Without any words, he crossed the room and pulled her close. His hug told her everything she needed to know. But she still heard him whisper. “I do love you, Luck.”
And knew it wasn’t enough.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Sunday, February 11
“SO I CAN’T BELIEVE you’re going to let that man go,” Mrs. Simmons said as Lucky wrote out the checks to cover her bills.
Lucky sipped her watery cocoa and tried as hard as she could to be polite. “What do you mean?” It was no coincidence that Lucky and Mrs. Simmons were alone. After the Conners’s accident, Josh had kept his distance from her. It was as if spending time with that family had affected him in much the same way as it had her.
She’d helped him pack one more time, and she’d left the rectory after with a small box of knickknacks to remember him by. During their time together, they’d limited themselves to small talk and “remember when” memories, but they didn’t talk about the fact that their love wasn’t enough to overcome their differences.
Apparently Josh was leaving this week. He hadn’t said whether or not the church property had actually been sold. And she didn’t ask. She wouldn’t be surprised if it hadn’t. It was hard to assess land covered in three feet of snow. But come spring, the land around the church would be covered in daffodils, crocus and tulips, and she knew that it would sell in only a matter of days.
“I mean, why are you giving up on him?” Mrs. Simmons wasn’t going to be put off.
“On who?” Lucky tried to pretend not to know who Mrs. Simmons was talking about. But when she looked up into the eyes that were staring at her with wisdom accumulated through ninety years of living, Lucky dropped the pretense. “Josh has to do what Josh has to do.”
“He loves you, you know.”
She did know that. He’d told her that in one of the saddest moments of her life. “That’s why I’m letting him go. He obviously needs to find himself in Chicago.”
“Bull pucky.” The epithet flew from the sweet little old lady’s mouth.
Lucky laughed despite her mood. “Was that a swear word?”
“It sure was.” Mrs. Simmons leaned forward. “Lucille, the only way to help that man find himself is by sticking to him like glue. Trust me. Mr. Simmons and I were married for sixty-seven years, most of them happy.”
“I don’t think he wants me with him,” Lucky said faintly. “And I can’t leave my job.”
“He might not think he does,” Mrs. Simmons nodded wisely and grasped Lucky’s writing hand. “And I know this isn’t what a modern woman wants to hear, but your job is to keep reminding him why he was put on God’s green earth. When he loses faith, you give it to him. When he finds it, you celebrate. And he does the same for you. That’s all there’s to it. And it doesn’t happen on a cell phone or the ding-dang Internet.”
Lucky was silent as she thought over what her friend had said. “I don’t think I can change for him,” she finally said.
Mrs. Simmons shook her gray head. “He doesn’t want you to change, he simply wants you to be with him. Love doesn’t just grow in Fenelon Falls. It grows wherever you are.”
“But if I leave, who will come visit you?” Lucky asked.
“There have been more people visiting me than I can stand.” Mrs. Simmons dismissed her with a wave of her frail hand. “Frankly, I need my alone time.”
Lucky wiped the tears out of her eyes and hugged the older woman. “Thank you. Thank you.”
Wednesday, February 14
VALENTINE’S DAY was as good a day to move as any, Josh thought. Most folks moved over the weekend and he figured there’d be less hassle on a Wednesday. Besides, Sunday had be
en his last service. Surprisingly nearly forty people had attended, all wishing him good luck on his new adventure, telling him not to forget Fenelon Falls. How could he? Lucky had come, too, but she’d sat in the back. Every time he’d looked at her, he’d found her eyes were trained on him. He wasn’t sure why. Was she willing him to change his mind or trying to memorize the day? He hadn’t had a chance to ask; she’d slipped away after. He’d seen her off and on since, but they hadn’t spoken. He wondered if that meant what they’d had was gone forever.
A moving van pulled up, blocking his view of her little cottage. It took the four husky men no time at all to load the furniture. “Okay,” the driver said. “We’ll meet you at the storage unit in Chicago. I’ve got the address and you have my cell phone number in case there’s a change in plans.”
Josh nodded, but there wasn’t going to be a change. He was going to get in his truck and drive away from Fenelon Falls. Elle was having her Valentine’s Day Dateathon party tonight and he knew that Lucky had agreed to help out. Maybe later, he’d call and see how she was doing.
The moving van pulled away, leaving Josh looking at Lucky’s house again. Impulsively he walked across the street. She wouldn’t be home. She’d be at the Duck, selling last minute Valentine’s gifts for the romantically challenged.
But he knocked anyway. And got no answer. He tried the door and found it was locked. Then he balanced the card he’d had Becca make for him on the doorknob. Lucky couldn’t miss it and would know he was thinking about her. With resolve, Josh went back to the rectory, grabbed his duffel and walked through the back door of the church for the last time. The door closed behind him with a hollow and empty thud.
LUCKY SAT in Josh’s truck, her overnight bag at her feet. She’d already given Elle and Becca her goodbye hugs, along with the expected tears—albeit excited tears. After the moving van had gone, she’d seen him walk across the street and knock on her door. Then she’d watched him put an envelope on the door. Even from this distance she recognized the shape of one of Becca’s cards and felt around for the heart around her neck. She fiddled with it, knowing that she was doing the right thing, trusting that Mrs. Simmons and her ninety years of wisdom was guiding her in the right direction.
Who Needs Cupid? Page 22