by S E Brower
She sat on the bedside chair taking her mother’s hand into her own, leaning forward laid her head down on the edge of the bed. Raising her mother’s hand, she pressed it against her own cheek to feel her mother’s comforting touch once more. She stayed that way for several minutes staring at the clock glowing red on the nightstand. Almost midnight, it was late. She was tired, but she wouldn’t sleep, not tonight anyway. Jessie blinked into the darkness, her dad and brother watching her from the doorway.
When she spoke, they granted her privacy, backing away leaving her alone with her mother. “Mom, its Jess,” she began, “I’m here. The kids are with Carrie. Mike is fine, he said he’s sorry he couldn’t be here and sends his love,” she lied.
“Mom, I love you. I need you so much, please don’t go. Please come back, Dad needs you, so does Travis, we all need you, I need your help.” A single tear dropped from her cheek melting into the sheet. “Mom, I was thinking about Great-Grandma coming to you the night I was born, and what she said to you. Do you remember, Mom?” pleading in a whisper. “She told you I was being born for a higher purpose. What does that even mean?” she asked. When suddenly, she sat bolt upright!
A prickly sensation, moved up the back of her neck, giving her the distinct feeling, someone was watching her. But no one else was in the room aside from her mother and the dog. She could hear her dad and brother talking, their muffled voices coming from the kitchen.
Someone or something else was there, she could feel it. Behind her, in the corner by the window, the steely blue eyes from her rearview mirror appeared to her once again. This time, they held her gaze. Jessie was motionless holding her breath as she stared back. She wasn’t so much frightened as she was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable enough to not want to make any sudden moves.
Her first instinct was to yell for her dad and brother. Then, she thought better of it, as an unfamiliar voice inside her mind asked her to remain silent. Without quite knowing why, she obeyed. A warm light filled the room as those blue eyes became more and more visible. Jessie observed the spectacle, her mouth agape in disbelief. She watched in shocked silence as the entity formed before her into the image of a man.
When he came into focus, Jessie’s brain went into over-drive. “What is happening?” was her first thought, then “holy crap, he’s gorgeous. Yeah, Michael has been on deployment way too long.” This thought was followed by a rapid succession of, “Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!” after which… her mind went blank.
For what seemed a long time, Jessie stared at him unable to speak, her head pounding trying to make sense of what she saw. Regaining her composure, she let out a long slow breath looking at the tall, lean but muscular, exquisite being before her.
A sleeveless top hugged his torso, defining his chest. At first Jessie thought it was white, but when she looked more closely, she realized it was iridescent, changing its appearance. His bare arms showed the polished silver forearm gauntlets he wore around each wrist, and a thin silver band adorned each bicep.
The pants he wore were of brown leather with boots laced up to his knees. His hair was cropped short and dark as night, his features rugged, handsome, and almost too perfect. His eyes were the most striking, beautiful blue Jessie had ever seen, and then… And then, she saw them… Wings!
Enormous, spectacular, elegant wings, so long they rested on the floor behind him. If he were an angel, he was unlike any angel Jessie could ever imagine. Those wings were not the snow-white depictions in paintings she had grown up with or even the pictures in her Bible.
They were an intense, iridescent blue with edges tipped with deep black matched to those magnificent blue eyes. Jessie shook all over, and still she stared, not taking her eyes off him.
He took a step towards her and she moved back in her chair. “Do you know who I am?” he asked, startling her.
She stared at him biting her lip. “Are you here to take her, now?” Jessie’s voice quivered, her eyes welling up with tears.
“An Angel of death, I am not,” he answered almost in a whisper, his gaze holding her transfixed.
“I don’t understand,” Jessie replied, still not taking her eyes off him. “I don’t know who you are. If you aren’t an Angel of death, what are you? Who are you? Why are you here?”
“Are you sure you do not know me?” the entity replied, “look closer.”
Jessie's heart was racing, but she looked anyway wanting to know, she always had to know. She peered deep into those eyes. There was something so familiar. What was it? All at once, she knew. She looked back at her mother’s bedside to find the little dog sleeping there only seconds before, was nowhere to be found. There was no mistaking those eyes. “You,” she said aloud, “I know you. I know those eyes. You’re Dax. But, how…” shaking her head, her voice trailed off in confusion.
“All of your questions within my power to answer, I will,” his voice was low and calm.
Jessie hesitated, then asked, “Okay, what do I call you?”
“Drummondax,” the entity replied.
“Interesting, now I know why I named you Dax,” she glanced back at the empty spot on the bed.
“Jessica, what is it you wish to ask?” his voice had a soft, musical quality. She could have listened to him for hours.
“How do you know my name?” her tone suspicious.
“I know she is your mother,” he gestured towards Faith, “her name is Elaine Faith Archer Barrett, and of her I know all things.”
“Why are you here?” Jessie folded her arms.
“I have always been here. I am her Guardian.”
“What do you mean by Guardian? Guardian Angel?” Jessie was surprised.
“Yes,” his answer was direct. “When a mortal child is born into this world, they are assigned a Guardian to their soul to protect and guide them. I am her Guardian.”
Jessie mulled this information over for about a half a second before her eyes flashed in anger. “Some Guardian you turned out to be. Do you know the Hell my mother went through as a child? The Hell she went through as an adult, because of what happened to her? Where in the Hell were you, when she needed you most? You were to protect her, isn’t that what Guardian Angels do?”
He looked at her with disapproval. “We do not speak of Hell, child”
“Don’t you dare tell me what I can speak of, and I am not a child,” Jessie retorted in a huff.
“But you are a child of our Father in Heaven,” Drummondax raised an eyebrow. It made Jessie, like a child, even angrier by his reprimand.
“You messed up, big time,” she continued, her anger mounting, “you had one job, to protect my mother and you failed. Miserably, I might add, ruining her life.” Her words were fueled by anger and she meant to hurt him, regretting it the moment they left her lips. Someone once said, ‘saying what you want, when you want to say it, doesn’t always make you feel better’. They were right.
“I know I failed her,” his voice low and somber sifted through the air. Jessie wanted to wound him and succeeded. His expression crestfallen, as he looked down at her.
She was just beginning to feel sorry for him, when he spoke again.
“I failed her but helped her as well. This was not the life she was to have. The life pre-ordained by our Father would have ended long ago. They have punished me for my error, and there are many things which you do not understand.”
Her anger rose once again. Jessie stood up getting right in his face. “So, make me understand, if you can.” Jessie was losing her mother, along with her temper. She hated the world, and she hated this Angel for what he had done to her mother. “You left her. What the Hell could have been so damned important? A scum-bag raped and nearly murdered a seven-year-old girl,” she hissed at him.
“There is no excuse,” his voice was a whisper. “I have since occupied every hour of Faith’s life in anguish, trying to right my wrong. My greatest shame was in disappointing our Father,” he hung his head.
Jessie paced back and forth, h
er anger surging when she remembered her mother was lying there dying, and she softened with precious little time to waste it being angry. Jessie was back in control.
“So, Dax, tell me, where were you? Where did you go when you left her side? I want to know.” The Angel gave half a smile when she referred to him using the dog’s mortal nick name. Reaching out his hand to Jessie, she again moved back.
“I shall not hurt you. I wish only to answer your questions. Please, it will make it easier for you to comprehend.” Jessie stood still while Drummondax placed his right hand on her forehead.
As in a movie, he transported her thoughts to the summer of 1961. The year of her mother’s assault, the year of his disobedience.
He had always been an Angel, but in the beginning, served as a birth messenger. He then became a Guardian and Jessie’s mother, Faith, was to be his first soul. More than anything, he wanted to please The Father in heaven. He didn’t know much about mankind, he didn’t understand them, but wanted to learn. The only thing he knew was The Father loved them above all his creations and Drummondax wanted to know why. He wasn’t jealous of man, he was only curious.
The more he saw of mankind, the more he appreciated some of their complexities. Yet he could not fathom mankind’s desire to annihilate each other one day, and create such marvels of majestic beauty, the next. He found them captivating. Their Father, had given them every pleasure and pain, tempered with reason and logic, along with free will. The Father decided their destiny, but their choices determined their level of happiness. Life was easy or rough with free will and a divine plan.
Drummondax admired the wonders of human endeavor becoming fascinated with the great monuments built by mere mortals. It was true, The Father had made man in his own image.
One of those impressive human accomplishments was Mount Rushmore in South Dakota where Faith had lived as a child. Of all the places Faith’s family traveled, never once did they venture to see it in person. The temptation to leave and see it for himself was over powering. Giving in to his desire, leaving his post had horrible consequences. In his negligence he caused a little girl to suffer a terrible ordeal, nearly costing her life. In doing so, he inadvertently changed her destiny.
He showed Jessie a place not quite in the realm of heaven, yet not in the realm of mortals either. Jessie recognized it immediately. Her heart racing, she knew she had been there before. This was the place she couldn’t quite piece together in her mind. This ‘place’ was mostly, according to Drummondax, only accessible to the heavenly Angel Guard. For lack of a better description, it was a library of sorts. Here, the ‘Books of Lives’ stood as a testament to every soul with a pre-ordained destiny proclaimed at their birth by The Father in Heaven. Their lives recorded, stored, and protected, along with other important documents and relics, all categorized and guarded in the Library.
It housed a book for every soul of every human, except for those of the Rogue Souls. Rogue Souls are said to be ‘impetuous rascals refusing to wait their turn, jumping into the first awaiting womb to be born’. The occurrence was infrequent but happened from time to time. As punishment, they would have no ‘Book of Life’ in the Guardian Library, would receive no blessing, and no Guardian assigned to protect them. They were given no preordained destiny. Rogue Souls were completely on their own.
There was also a hierarchy of Guardians dispatched by a celestial known only as ‘The Author’. No Guardian knew how long The Author had been there. He was ancient, unyielding, tolerated no disobedience, and no one knew his name. The Author was the sole liaison to The Father. While Guardians prayed to The Father in praise, asking for guidance, no Guardian spoke with The Father alone, it was not protocol.
Drummondax had disobeyed by his failure to protect Faith, committing yet another sin when he sought to hide his misconduct from The Author. Not long after his error in judgment, he used his powers of persuasion to help Faith find her soul mate. At least he could offer her some happiness. He owed her that much and more. He spent many years of her life trying to atone for his offence. It seemed a judicious plan.
Faith fulfilled her destiny of bearing a son, even if it was not the son of the minister. The Author was non- the–wiser and then… when finally, The Author noticed his misconduct, retribution was swift. Turning to his messengers barking out orders, “Find this Guardian. Bring him at once.”
The Author dispatched two Arc Angels for the task, and so Drummondax came before him, for questioning. It was The Author alone, who became his judge and jury. The Father was a God of love and mercy, The Author however, was neither.
He found Drummondax guilty of deserting his post and worse, in the eyes of The Author, deceit. The suspected transgressions were true on both counts. Drummondax had a lapse in judgment to be sure, acknowledging as much. Yet he wanted to make it up to Faith not caring about breaking rules with his deception. He knew it could well cost him his Guardianship.
Drummondax awaited his fate. The Author commanded him to take the weakened form of a human. Upon doing so, he ordered the Arc Angels to chain him in cuffs of agonizing burning iron forged in Hellfire and whipped him until he was bloody and bruised. Even after the punishing torture, The Author was still contemplating casting him out as a fallen angel.
Drummondax, raised his head. “Do you have something to say?” The Author glared at him with contempt.
Drummondax looked down, but spoke with clear defiance, “I deserve punishment. Cast me out if you wish for disobeying our Father, but it would be far more merciful than being forced to take the form of a dog.”
The Author commanded that Drummondax be unchained. The Guardian Angel cried out as they removed the irons from his wrists. Barely able to stand before The Author, blood ran into his eyes, while deep gashes crossed his back.
“For your disobedience I have punished you. However, you have mocked me, and for that I shall cast you out for your insolence. But first you shall serve the next five Earthly years in the realm of men taking the form of a dog. That is all.” With a wave of his hand, The Author vanished. He released Drummondax.
What The Author didn’t know, was Drummondax planned it that way. His face gave away nothing, as his heart leaped with joy. He had five years reprieve until they carried out his sentence. He would take the form of a dog to be a companion for Faith, continuing to be her Guardian. With any luck, he would be with her until the end of her life. Now, he just needed to persuade Jessica, to make it happen.
And just like that, the mind movie ended with Jessie once more standing in the familiar surroundings of her mother’s bedroom. Without thinking, she raised her hand to brush away tears she didn’t realize were there and looked up at Drummondax.
“I’m so sorry they hurt you,” her words were sincere. “Mom wouldn’t want anyone else to suffer because of her. You know what this means right? They will come after you.”
“It is done,” Drummondax stated.
“I am thankful for the last five years,” Jessie whispered, “you made my mom feel safe. I appreciate it more than you know.”
Drummondax stared down at her, he was deep in thought, distracted. Something seemed different about Jessica, but he wasn’t sure what.
Jessie went back to the chair next to the bed, sitting down again, wanting to cry. But the tears were stubborn, held back by the shock of talking to an Angel, and the anger she felt over the inevitable loss of her mother. Again, she lifted her mother’s hand ever so gently holding it in her own. “Can she hear?” Jessie wanted to know.
“She can,” he answered.
“Does she know what happened to you, that they want to banish you?”
“She does now. I let her see as you saw.”
Jessie glanced at the clock on the nightstand, then back at the Angel in astonishment.
“Dax, when I first saw you, it was almost midnight, I have been talking to you for at least, oh I don’t know, maybe an hour and yet it’s still almost midnight. How is that possible?” she looked at him waiting
for an answer.
His face showed his loss of words to explain it to her. Then he spoke, “In the realm of the Celestial, the concept of time is different. Time as you understand it, is for humankind.”
Jessie looked at her mom again, feeling the emotions welling up stinging her eyes. “Time is for humankind,” she repeated, “until it runs out.” The tears ran hot down both her cheeks. “Does she know I’m here?” Jessie whispered.
“She does,” he answered.
Turning to look over her shoulder at him. “Can you wake her up before she goes?” The question made him uncomfortable, and he seemed to fidget, if it were possible for an Angel to do so. Jessie figured what she was asking was against the rules. Regardless, she pleaded her case once more, for Jessie never gave up without a fight.
“They want to cast you out already. What difference could it make for you now? It would mean the world to me. I know it would to my mom, too.”
Without speaking with his voice, her mind heard his reply. “Yes, I owe her that much at least.”
“Yes, you do,” Jessie said aloud, catching him by surprise. He could not read her thoughts. She was still looking at him when she heard it.
“Jess,” it was her mother’s voice saying her name.
“Mom!” Jessie’s eyes flew open wide as she bounced up leaning over to hug her mother. “Oh Mom, I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, Jess.” With Jessie’s head on her chest, Faith looked past her daughter, to the foot of the bed, at her Guardian.
Without him saying a word, Faith knew what he was asking of her. Faith did not speak, but the Angel heard her just the same. “I forgive you Drummondax, for all that happened long ago. I don’t want you to suffer on my account. All I need is for you to forgive yourself. Free yourself from the past. Close this last chapter of my life with happiness. You must be kinder to yourself. Thank you for being my companion, helping me to feel safe these past years. It is because of you I have lived a wonderful life so rich with love. I am content. I had a fantastic life.”
“I do not deserve your forgiveness,” he said aloud,” but I am truly thankful for it.”