by Anon
He gave her a Good. Said she needed to show more ‘Progress Over Time’.
She was spitting blood. ‘How dare he! How dare he! Who the hell does he think he is! Coming in here with no knowledge of the kids or what we’ve been doing! I’ll show him Progress Over Time!’ she railed.
*
Four thirty rolled around. We were marking. No one moved. Suddenly, HoD got up and pushed a mug aggressively against the hot-water button. ‘Oscar Wilde had it right. The problem with socialism is that there are too many meetings in the evening.’
‘We have to bring our iPads. Charged.’
‘I’ve lost mine.’
‘I don’t know my log-in.’
‘Fuck. What is this wank? I’ve still got ten Year 9 books to mark.’
‘It’s all about the OFSTED. Just when you thought you could teach, along comes another tosser to tell you you were deluded.’
*
On the screen was a tree in a field, with someone sitting underneath it, reading a book. Underneath, in large, bold Calibri:
Someone’s sitting in the shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago.
– Warren Buffett
Educational Consultant greeted us as we entered the auditorium. He didn’t just greet us – he modelled greeting us, his grin unwavering.
‘Hello, Sir. Hello, Sir. Do help yourself to tea. Or coffee. Yes. Brownies. Don’t hold back. And do please once you have your tea – or indeed coffee – please do sit back down and do get on with the “Starter” activity in your packs. Remember: this is a “Mixed-Ability Group”, so we all work at different paces –’
On the first page:
Quality is never an accident; it is always the result of high intention, sincere effort, intelligent direction and skilful execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives.
– William A. Foster
HoD hitched up his trousers over his gut and muttered, ‘Daddy, what does regret mean?’ Little Miss Outstanding immediately started scribbling notes, while Mentor flicked through the pack.
‘So many quotation marks.’
‘And that’s not counting the ones he is making with his fingers,’ I said. ‘Like every other word he’s doing that.’
Educational Consultant clicked the clicker he had concealed in the arm of his suit jacket. The slide clicked onto the next slide, which read:
Preamble #3
Dispelling Some Myths
(and one ‘Ground Rule’)
‘Before we begin properly – and I realise I am asking a lot of you with so many “Preambles”, but it is important as a “Mixed-Ability Group” that we dispel all preconceptions and prejudices before we begin. Today is not about judgement. I repeat: today is not about judgement. Always remember: you are not judging the performance of a teacher. Stop trying to! You are evaluating the impact of their classroom practice on the learning, progress and outcomes of the students. In doing so, your role is to then offer SMART action steps that will enable them to improve rapidly, continually and sustainably. Those are the Three Musketeers I carry around in my head: “Rapidity”. “Continuity”. “Sustainability”. Now I am going to give you two minutes to talk through with the other professionals on your table the myths that you associate with classroom observation practice to date.’
We stared at one another.
‘Is he speaking in tongues?’ asked Mentor.
Educational Consultant clicked onto:
Ground Rule #1
Supportive Empowerment
‘Some of us (I won’t ask for names, we are a mixed-ability group here and as a believer in “AFL”, I will be pulling lollypop sticks out of a cup if I want to enter the “Meta-Feedback Loop”), but some of us might be doing this for the first time. Let’s embody our value of “Unity” to ensure we are supporting one another as we undertake the tasks throughout the session. Now I am very aware that time’s chariot is charging towards us, so could I please ask you all to address The “Starter” activity that is on the second sheet of your “Twilight Session 1 Packs”.’
4.47 p.m. We turned the page.
He clicked the clicker. There, in 72-point Calibri, with each letter a different colour:
M O P C E F
Suddenly the letters started moving, swimming around the board and reconfiguring into different variations.
P E C F O M
P O F E C M
E O M F C P
F E C M O P
‘One minute to write down what you think “MOPFEC” stands for,’ commanded Educational Consultant.
We wrote.
‘OK, and in the spirit of “AFL”, I am going to pull a lollypop out of the cup … and voilà: can I have Brian, please?’
Brian was in Maths. Brian must know.
Brian said, ‘Monitoring Operations Practice Friendly Environmental Classroom?’
Educational Consultant winced.
‘Nearly: Monitoring yes; Practice, yes; Classroom, yes …’
‘Massive Orgasm Please For Every Class,’ whispered HoD.
Educational Consultant picked another lollypop as fast as he could.
‘Stuart? Where’s Stuart? What do you think, Stuart? Go for it, Stuart.’
Stuart was in Science. Stuart must know.
‘Monitoring Observational Practice of Classroom Evaluation Facility?’
Educational Consultant beamed.
‘You’re so close. So close. Really. I’ll still give you a gold star! It is, in fact, “Monitoring Observational Practice of Classroom, Evaluation, Feedback”.’
‘Oh damn! So close!’
Educational Consultant moved to the next slide, a flow chart of Byzantine confusion:
Mastery and Proficiency in Classroom Observation: ‘A Cyclical Methodology’
Arrows flowed around in a circulatory fashion, pointing at boxes crammed full of numbered, bold, italicised, bullet-pointed text:
Classroom Observation
Typicality
Teaching and Progress Over Time
Action Steps
SMART Targets
Observation Process
Evaluation
Judgements
Text-grade Match
Triangulation
‘What the hell is triangulating?’ I asked HoD.
‘It’s like circulating for socially awkward people like him.’
Educational Consultant looked over.
‘Is there some terminology you need clarifying?’
‘Yes, please. I was struggling with “triangulation”,’ I said.
‘Ah, yes. I am so glad you brought that up. In fact, I will currently make a note of it, so that I can add it to the list of terminology that needs clarification in the opening Learning Objective sequence of this presentation.’
‘OK. Good. So what is it?’
Educational Consultant made two sides of a triangle shape with his arms. These quickly segued into quotation marks and then back to two sides of a triangle again.
‘Ooooh! ’Luminati!’ I said, impulsively, then realised I had said it very loud. Educational Consultant was looking at me like I usually looked at Liam.
‘“Triangulation” is the process of observation whereby the observer examines the teacher’s “Markbook”, examines the targeted student’s “Evidence”, and finally engages in “Learning Discussion” with the targeted student.’
‘So, sorry, what you’re saying is: you look at the kids’ books, write their marks down, and then talk to them about how they can improve?’ said HoD.
‘In layman’s terms, yes, that is the beginning of triangulation, but by no means the end … Sir, if I may …’ His arms were now in horizontal prayer. ‘In order to make the requisite improvements to our profession, we must professionalise our language. Now for the “Observation Trail”.’
‘How disgusting,’ said Mentor, retching on her shortbread.
‘In this foci –’
We all started laughing. He was getting pissed
off with English now.
‘I really have to stop you there,’ said Mentor indignantly. ‘It is not “a foci”. If it is singular, it must be “a focus”.’
He didn’t blink, and forged onwards.
‘Now what I want to do is to try to replicate Stages 1 to 5 of the “Cyclical Methodology” process that we explored on the previous slide.’
He clicked on. Mercedes appeared on the board, beaming her big smile. Next to her was an enormous pie chart, and down the side were reams of data.
‘So what I want you to do is log into your iPad and to enter the name of the student in the “Magnifying Glass” component of your Observation Trail database. Now you can see on the “Drop Down” menu all of the relevant data relating to the pupils in your class. In this case, we can see that Mercedes’s “Gender” is “Female”, her “Ethnicity” is “Black British”, her “EAL Status” is “N”, her “SEN Status” is “N”, and we can see that she is on “Pupil Premium”.’
Ah, dear Mercedes. How she loved the limelight.
He leapt down off the stage and stood next to a table with a single exercise book on it.
‘So now it is time for the “Sage on the Stage” to give way to the “Guide on the Side”.’
He held the green exercise book aloft.
*
I recognise that book.
*
Mercedes’s book.
My book.
Shit, that’s her English book.
Her book that I haven’t marked, like, all term.
*
‘Here we have Mercedes’s English book. And if we look here –’
He flicked back through the book. Page after page of virginal work, unblemished by red or green pen.
‘– we can see that this book has not been marked for some time. In fact, it does not seem to have been marked since … January.’
A collective gasp was unleashed, as if the entire auditorium had a puncture. Educational Consultant was piqued with pleasure. He was going to get one over on one of those arrogant English teachers, and he was going to do it by modelling patronising magnanimity.
‘Let us approach these books in the spirit of “Non-Judgemental Development”. And let us offer “Action Steps” for how the teacher could progress. Remember, an “Action Step” is not a “Target”.’
After a torturous minute of ‘Sage Time’, he brought us back to the ‘Meta-Feedback Loop’ with a click of his widget. A cartoon Greek philosopher appeared on the screen with a giant speech bubble coming out of his beard that read, ‘Feedback is the gift that keeps on giving.’
‘So now what I would like you to do is “Microscript” your feedback response. Anyone?’
‘He needs to mark his fucking books,’ shouted HoD.
Nervous chuckles rippled across the room.
‘Can we put that into more a more constructive “Meta-Feedback Loop”?’
‘Sure.’
HoD turned to me.
‘Mark your fucking books, douchebag.’
*
The next day, after a lesson in which Trainee pretended to be Rambo in order to teach antonyms (he had started bluescreening himself onto action films in order to teach things that had nothing to do with the topic in question, like becoming the Godfather for a lesson on the use of the modals), I met up with Mentor. I said I was sorry about the debacle with Mercedes’s book – it was a rogue book, it had to be the one, all the others were up to date, I’d been focused on my 12s, yadda yadda. She was very understanding.
‘Don’t worry about the 8s. Your focus from now on has to be your Year 11s.’
She opened up an enormous spreadsheet. Mile upon mile of columns and rows, glowing red, yellow or green, with abbreviated headings. Pred. Mock. CW. S&L (deleted). Jan Entry (deleted). CW+Mock. Jun Lang. Jun Lit. Jun Lang+CW. UMS.
Data clusterfuck was in full effect.
*
Mentor had spent every spare moment painstakingly inputting every child’s data, staying at school to 9 p.m. most evenings. She was now spending every spare moment explaining this terrifying Minotaur to her colleagues.
‘Essentially, this is what they got last year. And this is their prediction for what they should get. And this is that converted into the new grading system. And this is their mocks. And this is their coursework. And this is their mock plus their coursework. And this is their mock plus their coursework converted into UMS. And this is the UMS converted into the new grading system. So here you can see your class and what they need to get in June to hit their predictions. Clear?’
I looked at my class list. Most flashed red. That meant that their mocks did not tally with their progress grades, which did not tally with the prediction I had given, which was based on the results of their last test, which I had massaged from the fake data given by the last teacher, who had given me this hospital pass by doing fuck all with them.
‘This is crazy,’ I said.
‘I know. But we have to play the game.’
‘You must spend all your time doing this.’
‘Tell me about it. I trained to be a teacher, and I spend my whole time playing Battleships. But what choice do we have? The Powers That Be keep moving the goalposts, and we have to keep playing. What can we do? We can’t call a Time Out. This is the most important year of these kids’ education. And this is the most important subject. So. No pressure.’
Lesson #481
The Goalposts Keep Moving. Education Wallahs Don’t Trust Us or Our Results. Every New Minister Has to Put Their Stamp on Education and Reform for the Sake of It by Insisting Things Change and Standards Improve, Even If They Already Have, Exponentially.
We went through my students and decided what kind of strategies I would need to employ to get them up to scratch, which meant doing practice papers with them until they bled. I was to target those on the C/D Borderline, because they were the ones who mattered the most: all that mattered was how many students we could cram into the A*–C league table.
Just as I was about to leave, she reminded me that we had a standardisation meeting with the Man from the Exam Board.
‘Shit! Is that OFSTED?’ I asked, quivering.
‘No! Someone else big and scary.’
‘Oh.’
‘Do OFSTED want the same thing as the Exam Board?’
‘Not really.’
‘Oh.’
‘It will all become much clearer. Maybe.’
It did not get clearer. It got much, much more opaque.
*
Marking English is a subjective business. That’s the beauty of it. If I set you these questions, for instance:
Who is this guy? (1 mark)
Identify two things that make this guy a bell-end. (6 marks)
How can you infer that this book is shit? (8 marks)
Write your own fucking book then. (40 marks)
You would all come up with very different answers, and it would be almost impossible to say which was best.
*
We all remembered what happened to Ho6. We appealed her results, quibbled back and forth, and proved that her students had, in fact, answered the questions. The results went up from Es and Ds to As and A*s. Heigh-ho, said the Exam Board. Clerical error. Such a shame those gifted students now weren’t taking English A Level. Never mind. Maybe they can read books later in life?
We emailed Ho6 to tell her the good news. She was delighted, but maybe that was because she had just drunk a piña colada on the beach in Barbados, a copy of Middle-march nestling in the sand, having finished teaching at an International School at 3 p.m.
*
The Man from the Exam Board wore the brittle smile of the educational establishment, born of stress, ennui and having to answer the same questions all day.
We began standardisation, which involved eating Jaffa Cakes, drinking coffee and marking anonymous papers to see if we were in line with the Exam Board. Then we argued about whether the anonymous student had correctly inferred what orang-utan
s were threatened by.
The Man from the Exam Board took almost identical answers and showed us how they could be up to two grades different because of the use of a single connective or linking phrase (‘this implies that the orang-utans are like humans’ immediately places it in a higher band than ‘this shows that the orang-utans are like humans’, for instance). As standards had improved across the country, the Exam Board had been forced to become more punitive, and tried to find fault with the smallest things. English Language GCSE regularly defeated us teachers. We knew the answers, but the jargon to express the ideas kept changing. ‘It was much harder in my day’ is an old saw no longer used among teachers.
The next day, I had a standardisation meeting about Year 12 which was even more confused. Representatives from all the Exam Boards were there, supposedly helping us understand the new specification we were about to embark on. They all disagreed with each other over the standardisation; in some cases, a Band 1 response was given a Band 5 by a different examiner.
Lesson #520
No One Knows Anything.
I went home and sat at the kitchen table and marked the rest of my papers. The question was: ‘Describe a time when you have made a good choice’ (40 marks). I kept referring to the mark scheme and the standardisation materials, but couldn’t make head or tail of them.
*
When have I ever made a good choice? How many marks would I give myself for my choices in life? Sometimes it’s 12, sometimes 39. Amy came in and I asked her to think of a time when she made a good choice. ‘No comment,’ she said, and went to bed.