So those were out.
The mall had a massive candy store, and I spent nearly thirty minutes buying as much as I could. At the dollar store, I grabbed the entire shelf of baby wipes. This box was going to be insane.
Just when I thought we were done, Shawn dragged me into GameStop for a new Xbox controller. Since he’d come with me I didn’t complain, but I was starting to feel a little antsy, like the roof was caving down on my head. Sweat slicked down my back and the sound of screaming children amplified. I raised my shoulders up above my ears as we passed a group of loud teenagers, but ordered myself to be cool. It was just one last store. No big deal.
In GameStop, I thought about buying something for Garrett but I wasn’t sure what he needed. I didn’t want to clutter up the small area he had to live in with crap he couldn’t use. I reasoned with myself that the dog was totally, absolutely needed.
While Shawn browsed used and new controllers, I checked out the wall of discounted games. A blond dude and his redheaded friend approached the wall and stood near my side. The blond picked up a copy of FWO. “You play this yet?”
“Nah. Heard it needed weekly patches just to get through the first twenty levels, and it’s still full of bugs.”
That was wrong. That was really wrong. There had only been one major patch to correct a glitch in the catacombs, and some minor issues with a quest mob not spawning. I bit my lip and focused on the games, but I had a hard time because someone was wrong about FWO.
“How about Kill Zone?” Blondie said.
“I played that over at Trace’s house. It’s good.”
Oh God, I was going to explode. Kill Zone was shit. Total shit. Graphics were shit, soundtrack was annoying as hell, and the gameplay was a choppy mess. Just shit. They had no idea what they were talking about.
Ignoring the tightness in my chest and the sensation of ants racing over my skin, I turned to them, placing a hand on my hip. “I’m going to have to correct you here, bros. FWO has had one major patch. One. It came out a year ago and fixed the issue. It’s the best MMO on the market for your money. Next—that game,” I pointed to Kill Zone, “is shit. If you like playing a game that looks like my grandmother designed it and has a crosshair that jumps all over the screen because it’s so sensitive to motion, then go ahead and buy that.”
When I sucked in a breath and looked away, I saw Shawn standing behind the guys with a GameStop bag in hand. “What’s going on?”
The two guys looked from me to Shawn before the redhead spat, “It’s not cool that your little boyfriend thinks he knows everything.”
Shawn jolted, maybe because he hadn’t expected the tone, or maybe because he didn’t like the implication he was gay. And shit, I was regretting this all now. Coming here and opening my big fat mouth. Having shit hurled at me was one thing, but Shawn didn’t deserve it. Too bad I was too breathless to say anything more.
Shawn stepped around the redhead, grabbed my arm, and tugged me to him. “Come on, uh, sweetie. Let’s go home. I’ll watch your Twitch stream along with your thousands of subscribers.” He glared at the two guys. “Later.”
He strode out of GameStop so fast, I had to jog to keep up. My head spun and my ribs felt like they were crushing my organs. “Shit, Shawn,” I panted. “We gotta go.”
We pushed our way through the other shoppers and burst outside where I gulped fresh air. He led me to car, opened my door, and then sat in the driver’s seat. Once the car was rumbling and music was playing, the tension in my chest eased. All that remained was the tremors.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I think…I think I had a panic attack.”
Shawn turned down the radio. “Yeah, I thought so. You okay?”
“I will be.”
He rummaged in the bags until he pulled out the dog. “Here you go.”
Laughing weakly, I hugged it. “I shouldn’t have said anything to those guys. But they were wrong, Shawn. Like, really wrong. About video games.”
Shawn nodded solemnly. “The probably worship Satan too.”
I pushed his shoulder. “I should have kept my mouth shut though, I…I don’t know.”
“Is that why you don’t go out much? Because of jerks like that talking shit to you?”
“No, that’s not really why.” I sighed. “Online is easy for me. I decide who sees what. I can block anyone who pisses me off. It feels safe and secure. I recognize it’s an avoidance cure—if I don’t have to face people, I won’t get anxious and freaked out.”
“What’s the difference though? You perform in front of thousands of people online every day in real time. Why is it different out here?”
I rolled my head to see his profile. “I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve asked myself that question. But there is a difference. In my mind, at least. I have some theories. Take dancing for example—when I was on stage there was also opportunities for people to touch me or to approach me after a show. Some fans were super aggressive about it. And I was stuck there with no escape. But I can control my space online. I can determine who comes in my space, and if it all becomes too much, I press the power button.”
It was the same when I’d made videos. If I was actually in a room of people and had to jerk off? Hell no. But when I was in my bed with only a camera on me, and I could just imagine my audience, it was a major turn on.
“Maybe you could…see someone, like a doctor?”
“Why bother? I don’t really need to be out here.” I waved a hand as if that encompassed the entire world outside my apartment. “It’s not like I have family and friends banging down my door inviting me to barbecues and shit.”
“So this is okay with you, then? To live like this?”
An automatic yeah almost came out of my mouth, but I stopped myself. For the last three years, I would have said yes, that I was fine with my life, that it was okay, and I could live alone in my apartment forever. But now that I’d made a connection with another human being—one who didn’t live across the hall from me—I’d begun to wonder what it would be like to be…a functioning part of society again. Someone who could crush on a soldier he’d met online and actually meet him in person one day.
Rather than answer the question, I turned to look out the window. “Can we stop at the post office to get some packaging material?”
After a pause, Shawn answered. “Sure, Kai. Sure.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
January
Garrett: You around?
Garrett: I know you’re probably busy doing the Twitch thing. Sorry.
Kai: Nope! I’m here. I just finished demoing this tower defense game. What’s up? Isn’t it like 3am?
Garrett: Yeah. Can’t fall back asleep.
Kai: What’s wrong?
Garrett: I had a dream about you.
Kai: A good one?
Garrett: A dirty one.
Kai: Oh my…
Garrett: Sorry. I’m just uh half-asleep and really fucking horny. I’ll let you go.
Kai: No! Don’t go. Tell me about it. You can’t say that and then just disappear. That’s not nice.
Garrett: you sure?
Kai: Yes, I’ll be super mad at you if you leave now.
Garrett: It was after deployment ended and I was back in the states. I don’t know really what happened to get me there, but I was at your house, and the part I remember most is your mouth. All over me. You were teasing me, licking and sucking everywhere but my dick, and I was begging.
Kai: Did I ever…suck you?
Garrett: Nope. Just teased me. Until I was leaking half my weight in pre-cum.
Kai: That’s…my current situation.
Garrett: Don’t suffer on my account.
Kai: don’t plan on it. What happened next?
Garrett: You were playing games, trying to evade me before we got too deep, so I caught your arms and flipped you over. And I uh…I started teasing you. Finger fucking you and playing with your prostate until you were practically humping the bed to get off. And
you kept saying my name. God, I wish could hear you say my name, Kai.
Kai: I think about your voice a lot. Like, is it really deep? Or do you have a disappointingly high voice like David Beckham?
Garrett: You’re so ridiculous. lol. My voice is low. Deep.
Kai: That’s how I imagined it. Tell me how the dream ended.
Garrett: We moved so you were on your back, and then I shoved your knees up and pushed my dick into you. No condoms. …Magically needed no lube. But fuck it felt good. You were so tight and perfect, and you squeezed my dick until I lost it and smashed the hell out of you. I woke up before we finished because my subconscious hates me. Texted you instead of getting off.
Garret: You there?
Kai: I don’t know…if I should be honest with you and tell you how turned on I am, or laugh this off and make a joke.
Garrett: I like when you make me laugh but honesty is great too.
Kai: Okay, well then…I wish that dream was real. I’ll have good fantasies later when I’m getting off
Garrett: That’s what I was hoping for.
Kai: Would you cuddle afterward? I need deets so I have the full scenario.
Garrett: Ha, sure. I’d cuddle you.
Kai: Well then, that sounds like my dream too. Now go to bed. You have world-saving stuff to do.
Garrett: Yeah right. Night, gorgeous.
Kai: Night.
* * *
Kai: I need your address. Over there.
Garrett: Why?
Kai: Just because!
Garrett: Uh. K. I’ll email it later.
Kai: Fabulous
* * *
Kai: Guess what?
Garrett: What?
Kai: Chicken butt.
Garrett: …
Kai: It’s a joke.
Garrett: You’re such a dork. Are you bored?
Kai: Maybe. ;) Or maybe I can just tell you’re in a bad mood.
Garrett: Your Kai-dey sense is tingling.
Kai: …And I’m the dork?
* * *
February
Kai: I like when you send me random selfies.
Garrett: I’m not usually a selfie guy. Don’t know why I did it.
Kai: Maybe because you want to show off that gorgeous mouth of yours? ;)
Garrett: Heh. Maybe? No one’s ever said that to me before.
Kai: Um. You’ve been hooking up with some morons then. Your lips are amazing. Sometimes I wonder if they’re as soft and tasty as they look.
Garrett: Only one way for you to find out.
Kai: I wish <3 And sometimes I imagine.
Garrett: Do you now?
Kai: Mmhmm.
Garrett: What else do you imagine?
Kai: Mostly I imagine ripping off that camo, straddling you, and sucking your face while we grind against each other.
Garrett: Mmm. Sounds like torture. Do I get to touch you?
Kai: Eventually ;) But there’s also something really hot about the idea of us jerking off together while kissing. It’d be so messy and hot.
Garrett: Fuck yeah it would. Even hotter if I got to play with your ass the whole time.
Kai: Yeah…I bet you’re good with those long fingers.
Garrett: I’m even better with my dick.
Kai: Would you fuck me fast or keep it slow?
Garrett: Slow at first…just nailing that sweet spot of yours. Then when you’re a fucking mess, sweaty and begging for more, I’d pound you.
Kai: oh fuck. Keep talking
Garrett: I bet you’d moan so good for me, baby. And I bet you get really dirty.
Kai: for you I would
Garrett: You’d beg me to fuck you harder, wouldn’t you? Beg me to ride that ass until we both came hard
Kai: Holy shit I really did just come fucking hard. Made a mess
Garrett: :) Mission accomplished. Now send me a pic of you covered in cum so I can get off.
* * *
Kai: I know you saw that asshole’s comments in Chat about my videos. DO NOT RESPOND.
Garrett: …
Kai: Stop it. He’s just some dude who recently discovered my channel and now he’s trying to get my attention. If you respond, it’s exactly what he wants!
Garrett: That motherfucker is lucky I don’t know where he lives. I would end him. And I’d fucking enjoy it.
Kai: Babe, Internet 101 is don’t read the comments and don’t feed the trolls. People say really weird shit. It’s like…normal. Sort of.
Garrett: I’m going to go hit something.
Kai: Garrett…
Garrett: Like a punching bag. Or someone’s face.
Kai: Don’t break your hand! You need it to jerk off when we have sexy chats.
Garrett: I hate you.
Kai: No you don’t.
Garrett: No, no I don’t.
* * *
Garrett: You there?
Kai: Yeah. What’s up?
Garrett: Can you tell me what it’s like there? The weather?
Kai: There are flurries.
Garrett: No way, really? Winter’s almost over.
Kai: Yeah, nothing sticking on the road or anything. It’s kinda pretty.
Garrett: Man, never thought I’d miss snow.
Kai: You’ll see it next year <3
Garrett: Yeah. Maybe.
Kai: Maybe?
Garrett: I just keep worrying about what I’ll be doing this time next year. I’m afraid of what happens when I come home. I joined the Army to avoid being another white trash statistic in my hometown… and now I’m scared of being another unemployed vet after all the time I’ve put in.
Kai: But…that’s unlikely, isn’t it?
Garrett: I don’t know, Kai. I just worry all the fucking time. What if I can’t get a good job and I’m stuck changing oil at some backwoods greasy mechanic shop making chump change for the rest of my life? That’s what my dad did when he wasn’t drunk and bouncing between jobs. It just…sucks to think this may have all been for nothing, you know?
Kai: Babe, if your anxiety over it means anything…you won’t give up until you find something that makes you happy. You’ll keep looking and trying. If my childhood taught me anything it’s that people who grow up struggling will fight hard against barriers and won’t let hard times knock them down. Sometimes it’s not perfect…I’m DEFINITELY not perfect…but we’ll try to make it work for ourselves in the end.
Garrett: God, Kai.
Kai: What?
Garrett: Nothing. You’re just…I don’t know. Thank you.
Kai: <3
Garrett: Happy Valentine’s Day, btw. I hope someone made you happy today.
Kai: You did.
Garrett: I wish I could make you happy in real life.
Kai: What would you have done?
Garrett: Brought you dinner and a bucket of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Maybe a present. Definitely a kiss and a blowjob.
Kai: You would be the best Valentine ever <3 I’d suck your dick so awesomely in return. I’m a little rusty, so we’ll need a lot of practice.
Garrett: I’m at your disposal.
Kai: You better be.
* * *
Kai: I found a good luck charm today! Well, in my world it’s a good luck charm. Two grapes stuck together! They looked like a butt. Or balls.
Kai: I hope that made you laugh. You’re probably working on a tank or like on a patrol.
Kai: Um, be safe.
* * *
Garrett: Watching your Twitch stream last night. Nice FWO kill.
Kai: Thanks, did you like my victory dance?
Garrett: Ha. Yeah, better than last week when you got ganked mid-dance by that spellsinger’s pals.
Kai: My orc’s foot slipped. I didn’t see em coming.
Garrett: Sure. If I ever level up, I’ll have your back.
Kai: I can’t think of anyone better for the job. :)
* * *
Garrett: You’re probably sleeping. I just want you to know, not
sure I’d have gotten through most of this deployment without you. A couple more months, man. Then I’m home. Better stock your fridge with ice cream. Because I’m staying for a few days.
CHAPTER EIGHT
March
Kai
I heard the ping of Gchat from across the room and hustled over to my computer.
Garrett: Are you serious?
I typed quickly. Serious about what?
Garrett: This huge fucking box!
Reliable sources had said care packages sent overseas could take up to a month and it’d taken more than two since I’d waited to add the newest games after demo-ing them. It had started to look like the damn thing had been lost in the mail, or held up in customs.
Kai: Yes, I’m serious.
Garrett: Why?
Kai: Why not?
There was a pause. A long pause.
Garrett: Can we Skype while I open it? I waited until the guy sharing my tent left so I could open it while talking to you.
I’d expected this. I’d thought about nothing but this for months. We’d shared…a heck of a lot. Honestly, he was the closest I’d ever had to a boyfriend. I was ready to take the next step. My stomach rolled, and I wanted to puke, but I was ready.
Kai: Okay.
Garret: What? Really?
Kai: Yes.
Garrett: You’re sure, right. You’re not just saying that?
Kai: I’m sure.
Garrett: …Now?
I glanced down at my T-shirt and boxers, then hurriedly threw on a pair of sweatpants.
Kai: Yup. Now.
We exchanged Skype information, and as the call connected, I sat on my hands so I didn’t bite off all of my fingernails. This was it. I was going to see him in person and most of all…he was going to see me. Of course, he’d seen me on Twitch and from my videos, but now we were in real time and talking directly to each other. The moment felt bigger than I wanted it to. Shit, I needed a drink or something.
Strong Signal (Cyberlove #1) Page 7