‘I’ll come straight to the point.’
Machado looked up to see the source of the sentence. It was Colleen Connor who was standing over his desk. Machado was one of those men who were very nervous around women. He immediately started sweating and stuttering.
‘I’ve got a proposition for you,’ Colleen continued unabated.
‘But...but...I’m...I...I...I’m already married,’ Machado protested under incredible strain.
‘Don’t be an absolute moron. Try to keep up please, I have a political proposition which may interest you, Machado,’ said Colleen.
Machado felt he had stopped breathing completely. Why did she have to say my name out aloud? he wondered fearfully. As his breath became shorter, he tried clearing air in front of his face in a gesture which mimicked someone swimming the breast stroke on land. ‘I’m not feeling too... too... too good...too good,’ he gasped. As he sputtered out the sentence, he started to blow air into his chest with his dry, pursed lips.
‘Someone has to stop that fascist nutcase Jagee and I think that person should be you,’ thundered Colleen.
Machado actually collapsed. Take on Colonel Jagee, his provider? Machado’s head hit his desk with a sickening thud. Machado hoped of course that he was finally dead. However, his tie got caught in the desk drawer, instantly choking him and simultaneously convincing him that he was staying alive, despite his own best efforts.
‘It’s time you behaved like a true opposition leader. You’ve played the lap dog too long,’ provoked Colleen Connor sarcastically.
‘But, but, but I make a good...good...lap...lap dog.’ Machado’s mouth had by now seceded from the rest of his body and decided to fly solo. To compensate for this inability to expire, Machado also found his hands covering his eyes. He tried some visualization techniques, like thinking of something terrible to induce death, but all he could come up with was the omelette he had had for breakfast which he felt was much smaller than his usual omelettes, and he needed to have a word with the wife, except that the last time he tried such a thing, she threatened to fry an egg on his head. Try as hard as he did, this thought did not have the ultimate effect and led to death. It, in fact, only led to more depression.
Ignoring this personification of regression, Colleen Conner continued, - ‘We need to save Gyaandostaan. We need real democracy. Jagee must go and the Ball and Socket Party must become a true opposition. Take him on and eventually bring him down.’
On hearing these words, Machado fell off his chair, onto the floor, and eventually started crying. From that position, on his knees, he looked up at Colleen Connor and excused himself on health grounds.
‘I’m... I’m to have a gall...gall...gall bladder operation next month. My doctor says I shouldn’t do anything...anything...strenuous.’ With the effort required in passing on this information, he fell on his side.
‘That’s why I’m offering you a positive solution. We’ll join hands to form a coalition and bring him down together, since it’s abundantly clear that you are incapable of standing up on your own,’ Colleen offered.
Funny she should say that, Machado thought, as standing upright was what he was desperately trying to do at that point. Clinging to the table, he pushed himself back up into a more ‘homo sapien’ position. ‘Jagee will kill me’, was meekly emitted by a voice which was now clearly on its last legs.
Colleen Connor knew she had him. She changed her stance. She slowly patted him down onto his chair and changed her tone to a more supportive, motherly one. She reassured him and placated him. His reaction, of course, could not be authenticated accurately as by then Machado had slipped into ‘rigor mortis’.
Colleen spelt it out. R. I. G. O. R. M. O. R. T. I. S. Oh no, sorry, Colleen spelt out her basic strategy. Apparently Col. Jagee’s success over the past few years had led to a lot of added weight in the shape of arrogance. There were plenty of skeletons to be gleaned from the cupboards. It would be an all-out dog fight, but Colleen felt she had enough on the President to ensure that there would be only one winner. She spoke of solidarity. She spoke of unity. She spoke of championing a cause. Gaining collective strength by a unified stand, she put a hand on Machado’s shoulder and asked him to reach in and show fortitude.
By now Machado didn’t seem to have a pulse. All movement had stopped. It was as if Colleen was speaking to separate body parts who collectively couldn’t function. The next 24 hours were going to be vital. Not just to see if he would breathe again but to see what Machado’s various body parts were going to do with all the information.
Colleen Connor left the office knowing that the seeds had been sown. Of course, having chosen as a partner an animal without any vertebrae whatsoever, forget backbone, she had the odds stacked against her. Be that as it may, the first step had been taken. But what would he feed the hand that slaps him? This was the question. Of course these GYAANDOSTAANI proverbs do lose a little in the translation.
4
The next day parliament was in session and all the cats were on prowl. Gyaandostaan had only one house system of parliament called the ‘Bigger House’ when loosely translated from the original Gyaandostaani word. When tightly translated, it becomes a metaphor for Bubonic plague from medieval Europe. So let’s stick with the loose translations.
Technically, members of parliament were elected from constituencies all over Gyaandostaan. Then the party with the majority in parliament formed the government. Colonel Jagee, however, changed this system from election to appointment. People still went through the grind of standing, contesting, and getting elected. He then naturally ignored the whole process and appointed whoever he chose fit to be in the parliament. He explained checks and balances in his monumental biography ghost written by himself (through the eyes of a colonel) as ‘the balance of power is controlled by the one who controls the cheques’. Colonel Jagee was so happy with his effort that he gave himself the Gyaandostaan Man Booker Prize; he also nominated himself for a Noble Prize in Economics, The Balkan Palm, The Associated Press Star, and a few Pulitzers.
At that time, the Sandwich Party had 152 seats out of a total of 300. The Ball and Socket Party had about 94. The remaining 54 seats were divided amongst independents and powerful celebrities. About 5 percent were not contested as nobody lived in those remote constituencies. Most of the celebrity MPs were Jagee’s friends, business partners, or family members. Half the independent members were his employees. Thus, almost the whole of parliament was under his thumb. This could be summed up as ‘Jagee having more power than Hitler, but little less than a young Margaret Thatcher’. Parliament started at 9 am that day. Col. Jagee outlined the agenda.
Agenda
9 o’clock: Breakfast
10 o’clock: Paul Huskee to address House on Deficit
11 o’clock: Brunch
12 o’ clock: Machado to ask unimportant questions that are to be easily answered. Thus, quelling the opposition
1 o’clock: Lunch
2 o’clock: Siesta
3. 30: Question hour (this question hour is not to run more than 20 minutes)
4 o’clock: Tea and snacks
5 o’clock: Closing message from Prez.
5. 30: Drinks and supper
5. 55: National Anthem (standing optional)
Normally, question hour was a quick process. Questions asked of the government varied from ‘Can we have a longer lunch break?’ to ‘Should larger TV screens be installed in parliament during important football matches?’. In fact, the only controversial question asked of the government in the last few years was when one member of the opposition asked whether members of parliament should be entitled to three parking spaces each.
However, this resulted in the parking spaces being increased to four per MP. Thus, a happy result from a tricky question.
Yet, on this day in question, the question hour was to ‘experience’ her finest moment. In all fairness, it seemed an innocuous question, hardly likely to bring down the government. Keep in mind that
dissent or even plain curiosity had never been able to flourish in these hallowed halls.
Machado couldn’t explain how it happened. In the last 57 years of his life, he had experienced courage only twice—once when he agreed to marry his wife who was choking his neck with both hands at the time, and second when he saw her for the first time, which really should have been the first time. However, the moment the President opened the question hour, some force seemed to overtake him. At first, he thought it was his insulin injection that caused him to stand up. Then, having stood up, he hoped it was to close the zip that he often left undone. Finally, he hoped the National Anthem would resound.
The President benignly asked ‘Yes Machado, you have a question?’ Bear in mind that Machado had spoken only once before in parliament over the last 5 years, and that was simply to seek permission to use the toilet.
‘If it’s about the toilet, didn’t you go yesterday’? the President continued to loud laughter. Machado and Col. Jagee had an interesting relationship. The Col. used him as a punching bag—he’d roll out the jokes and the public would laugh. Machado would seem impervious, except for his chronic sweating. But this afternoon something changed. Machado cut into the laughter, ‘I was thinking shouldn’t the question hour be for a full 60 minutes and not just 20?’
Pin drop silence followed.
Machado couldn’t believe what he had just said. He tried to sit but his legs failed him. He tried to stop the words from coming out of his mouth using both hands, but words are not physical things and can’t be held back once released. Words also have few principles—once freed, they turn their back on you and leave you to deal with the consequences, while they carry on about their merry way. Machado was disgusted with them. He made a note to himself that once disentangled from this present mess, he’d never ever use words again.
‘Okay, here’s a thought Machado. We’ll use the full 60 minutes. 20 minutes will be for the questions, and the next 40 minutes, you could perhaps do a performance for the parliament. You know, a poem, or a skit, a song, maybe a tribal dance? What about holding an aerobics class?’ Laughter resumed at the President’s comments.
‘I’ll start dancing when Gyaandostaan is out of debt and on her feet again.’ Machado tried hard to swallow his own tongue, but the words, having tasted freedom, were unstoppable. Machado, just to make sure, checked with his finger to see if his tongue was still in his mouth. But the damage was done. At the last comment, Col. Jagee flew out of his chair. He couldn’t digest this flagrant show of defiance, not to mention betrayal. The way he saw it, he owned Machado, who shouldn’t breathe a word without his Excellency’s permission.
‘Are you blatantly criticizing my government?’ Jagee flungst Machado. Each word said separately and deliberately.
‘No I’m just saying that the country is falling apart. We are in debt up to our necks, and you, as a leader of the house, want to initiate dance sessions! Your solution to a fiscal deficit of 3, 200 crore Ragoos is aerobics sessions? Seems a bit strange.’
By now, Col. Jagee had turned purple. He had initially gone a beetroot red, but now, anger, indignity, exasperation, and social embarrassment, not to mention defiance of his authority, meant the only outcome was to turn purple.
Let’s leave this incident here because this really is the point at which our story must begin. A tale is only a tale when conflict is made perfectly clear. By standing up to Col. Jagee, Machado gives us a final (absolutely swear on my mother), final beginning to this chronicle. We now know that this story is about two things—a. forces in Gyaandostaan fighting for power and b. people occasionally turning purple.
When Machado left the parliament, the battle lines were drawn. Machado didn’t like it, but he knew he was powerless. Colleen Connor had obviously hypnotized him, and now he was ready to bite the hand that fed him and the mouth that made fun of him. The mouth itself was in deep shock, and was unprepared for this outcome. Col. Jagee had created a pseudo opposition, never envisaging they may actually, one day, oppose. If he had some warning of this turn of events, he may even have been able to choose another colour. Purple was too conspicuous and eye catching, quite frankly, thus making it a day in parliament no one was ever likely to forget. As Machado walked out of the hall in pin drop silence, Col. Jagee made a mental note to himself—Challenge me? As soon as possible I’ll have the toilets closed.
Machado’s office the next day had a grim look about it. Similar feelings must have been felt on the Titanic fifteen minutes before she went under water. Machado spent a lot of time in the bathroom. Possibly three and half of the first six hours. This was because the office lines kept ringing and Machado didn’t want to appear to be a liar when his PA would tell Col. Jagee’s PA that the boss was in the bathroom. The first 27 times Jagee’s man called was okay, but by the 28th call, Col. Jagee’s PA started suspecting mischief was afoot. So he tried another tact. He’d regulate his voice and call under certain pseudonyms. Among those attempted were the carpenter, Machado’s third grade teacher Mrs Almeida, Machado’s third grade teacher Mrs Almeida’s son (to say Mrs Almeida had just died), the Queen of England, the Queen’s mother, Mohammad Ali, Mohammad Ali’s mother, JK Rowling and her mother... But, Machado was constant in his cowardice (an admittedly average quality). If the phone rang, he just sprung towards the bathroom, and that was that. Colleen Connor in the meantime walked right into Machado’s office in the middle of the day with various newspapers, all carrying the triumph and glory—her triumph and her glory.
The Gyaandostaani Express headline read, ‘Machado does a Neil Amstrong, takes first step on the moon’. The GT (Gyaandostaan Times) screamed ‘Machado to release new book titled POLITICAL SUICIDE’.
The Statesperson’s headline was ‘Rare Iguana species found in Gyaandostaan’. However, this was because the newspaper had become a nature journal and didn’t cover politics. Unkind Critics of course said the Statesperson’s headline was a veiled reference to Col. Jagee, who had in the past been called far worse things than an Iguana, including names of various fruits, Emperor Penguins, and ‘Col. Jagee’ itself.
When Colleen entered his office, Machado was in the lavatory. On overhearing the phone conversation, Colleen grabbed the receiver form Machado’s PA and shrieked into the phone.
‘Please tell your President that if he wishes to speak to the leader of the opposition, he needs to make an appointment like anyone else. I’m sure we’ll be able to squeeze him in sometime after next Wednesday, and please stop calling incessantly. Unlike you people, we are trying to save a country here! Miraculously, the calls stopped after her tirade. Ultimately, the sheer ferocity of the female species will always prevail. Meanwhile, Machado was safely ensconced in his private chair and although Colleen was the lesser of the two evils, he was in no hurry to come out his comfort zone.
Finally, he was coaxed out with a cup of hot milk and two biscuits. Machado was still in a daze when Colleen laid into him.
Machado perhaps thought it would be a frosty reaction as his actions has invited a street battle. However, Colleen instead hugged him so passionately that Machado could have sworn he heard a rib crack, though it may also have been the second indigested biscuit. Who could tell for sure?
Colleen Connor made her pleasure be known to all and sundry. She was a passionate woman, very Irish in her straightforwardness. And bear in mind straightforwardness had not yet been invented in Gyaandostaan. So, while she hugged Machado tight, for Machado’s part, nothing happened. Machado had experienced a hug only twice before in his life. Once, on his 5th birthday from his then father (Machado’s mother married 11 times), and in the eighth grade, when his friend Putin was trying to mimic a boa constrictor with its prey. Machado became the prey, despite all his animated plea not to volunteer for the role.
While she (Colleen) hugged Machado tight, for Machado’s part, nothing happened. Machado had experienced a hug only twice before in his life.
Colleen went on to outline that now that the battle lines h
ad been drawn, the politics had to begin. They needed to make the Ball and Socket Party into a real combative force. In her words, ‘More Ball, less Socket.’
Ninety percent of the Bigger House was at the moment with Col. Jagee. She had it off the record, plus one, ie. off, off the record, that at least 10-15 percent of the MPs were more than happy with Machado’s challenge and could be easily swayed to gravitate towards the opposition. Jagee’s arrogance would now cost him. Once the new numbers became clear, the hard battle towards swaying the rest must begin. Colleen pointed out that Rome wasn’t built in a day. Machado countered that to his knowledge they were actually given only a week. His PA explained that in those days, people used to work on weekends as well. Colleen replied ‘One week built Rome, one year we’ll build Gyaandostaan.’ Machado said, ‘Why not meet halfway? Take 6 months and build Rome instead?’ Colleen gave him such a glare that Machado ran with great fear to the toilet. Three seconds later, his PA followed suit.
Colleen dragged them out, reminded Machado that he now was a ‘real’ leader, and having sat them down, outlined her plans. But just to be on the safer side, she had the bathroom door locked from the outside. Twice.
Paul was now the defacto head of finance. His crack team, full of cracks. His boss Col. Jagee seemed to be more Mussolini and less Kennedy with every passing day. To make matters worse, Jagee had asked Paul to undertake a very delicate task.
Miffed by the disrespect, slighted by the refusal to answer the phone, Jagee wanted Paul to go as an emissary to the Ball and Socket office, and deliver a veiled threat to Machado that he should toe party line, go over to Col. Jagee and apologize, and pay a fine of 300 crore Ragoos to the Sandwich Party. In fact, Jagee’s letter to Machado read as this,
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