‘Thus for the first few hours, it was the seaweed which made the most sense. Through trial and error, I found out that the ship’s name was Constantine, though later it was changed to Esther Williams behind the Captain’s back. Initially I asked for a mobile phone to call home for help. But I couldn’t remember any number, so I played Angry Birds till the phone battery died. I also found out that the ship had bought seaweed from GYAANDOSTAAN and was on its way to sell it to companies in Sweden. Since I always wanted to visit Scandinavia and because I had gotten such a warm response from the seaweed, I decide to tag along. Though I did have a disagreement with the Captain who refused to sail to Sweden via Boston despite my repeated pleas that Boston was where my cousins Poo and Py live.
‘In Sweden, I really planned to phone home or at least email, but since I couldn’t remember numbers, and didn’t know how to use a computer, I had to abandon that plan. A Swedish acquaintance suggested homing pigeons. But in the middle of training a dove I called “Clitus”, I was arrested for animal cruelty and had to pay a small fine as well as abandon Clitus who I had got quite fond of. But I did learn an important lesson—pigeons don’t really fetch balls; that’s best left to retrievers. I then decided (At this point parliament started emptying out. ) to approach the GYAANDOSTAANI embassy which was located at the back portion of a Bangladeshi restaurant called “So Calcutta”. At the front desk, I met a beautiful Japanese girl called “Yuki”. We fell in love and got married 2 months later. I found the language problem to be greatly beneficial. It becomes increasingly difficult to get frustrated with your partner when you don’t know what he or she is saying. Initially everything went well though slowly I did start missing the seaweed which seemed to have left their indelible mark on my heart, as well as perhaps smell. (At this point 80 percent of parliament had left. ) I looked for jobs in Sweden and found three—two I returned. The third one, “Cake Shop Window Dresser”, really caught my fancy. Soon Yuki and I decided to have our own little babies. But there weren’t any available. This seemed to frustrate, and one morning she left for Japan after leaving me a note. But since the note didn’t say anything, I had no idea why. Then I turned to poetry and both my poems were both translated into Swedish, and immediately, for some inexplicable reason, translated back into GYAANDOSTAANI where I found to my horror one had become one stanza shorter!’
(At this point only the main players and a handful of journalists were left in Parliament. )
Col. Jagee was quite beside himself. His ally and benefactor was rambling on and on.
Col. Jagee: ‘Okay, whatever happened Jay, don’t forget you are an office bearer of the Sandwich Party.’
Jay Huskee: ‘But that’s just it. I arrived yesterday, resigned from the Sandwich Party, and became the President, and thus leader, of the Ball and Socket Party. This I did not because of the family connection, but because they assured me they always break for lunch. But we digress; let me return to Sweden, where after my wife left, I embarked on a soul searching mission which included poetry, pottery, and poster making.’
At this point, a furious Col. Jagee interrupted, shouting loudly with his hands above his head.
Col. Jagee: ‘Get to the point. Have you resigned? Who are you with? Who are you?’
Jay Huskee: ‘When I returned, I contacted my old friend and classmate Gomango Bosh who we used to call BooBoo. BooBoo filled me in on all the goings-on off the last few months. He also mentioned the three- card trick you maybe resorting to, and it was he who advised me to take over the leadership of the party. Since all the papers of both parties are with him, we drew up the fresh clauses late yesterday evening. All this was known only to Ray Chow, BooBoo, and me. We had to include Ray as he paid for my cab fare from the airport, as well as gave me a place to stay for the night. You see I wanted to make a grand entry and supervise everybody. Besides, in GYAANDOSTAAN, as you very well know, all barbers are closed on Tuesday so I couldn’t even get a haircut and shave.’
Col. Jagee now screamed, ‘That doesn’t change the fact that your party is disqualified.’ Gomango Bosh now joined his friend at the podium mike.
Gomango Bosh: ‘Oh, but it does. Legally at the time of counting, Jay Huskee is the leader of the Ball and Socket Party. Col. Jagee, your reign is over, and after taking the oath, and getting a haircut and shave, Jay Huskee will be announced as the new President of GYAANDOSTAAN.’
The few people left in the building started clapping. Paul Huskee and gang rushed to the elder Huskee and started to throw him up in the air. President Jagee pushed Shampoo aside and started to throw up. He found all his supporters disappearing from the corner of his eye. In true GYAANDOSTAANI tradition, all who were left in the building had aligned themselves with the Ball and Socket Party. It was the end of President Col. Jagee. Well, that’s probably not fair. We can’t say for certain beyond this particular book, but for this manuscript, strictly speaking, it was the end of Col. Jagee. We leave him there in the GYAANDOSTAANI Parliament, vomiting and bitter, like a fallen Caesar, only a little fatter and with no holes in his torso. So, where were we? Ah, it was the end of Col. Jagee... er... or was it?
It took some time for the dust to settle. Shampoo, in the meantime, decided to resign from his post. At which point he realized he didn’t have any post. So after reaching the safety of the Ball and Socket office, he sent Col. Jagee an e-mail.
Dear Mr Col President Jagee. I can’t lie to you anymore. First off, let me tell you that I’m a no. 7 Dan karate belt holder, nor did I invent the sport of Taekwondo. Also, I am not a certified Yoga teacher from Delhi University. I am actually, as certified by the University of Rangoon, a level 3 Yoga teacher. Also, my real name is not Shampoo, although due to security implications I dare not reveal my real, real name. For now, it’s sufficient to say it’s not Shampoo. Also my sister is not married into the Royal family of Spain. In fact, the truth is my sister isn’t married at all. And if we dig a little deeper, in actuality I don’t even have a sister. I am a loyal card carrying member (though I have recently misplaced it) of the Ball and Socket Party.
The intention was to get close to you in order to filter information from your camp, and there is no party money in North Korean banks. That was just to lull you into elections. Paul Huskee’s brother, by the way, says hi. Having said that, I would want to put down for the record that since you yourself are of a duplicitous nature, you’d be far better placed to appreciate such duplicitous behaviour. I must say on one level I did enjoy my time with you. Though for a Head of State, if you don’t mind the criticism, you really need to wear more clothes or at least some clothes or a small cloth at least, maybe?
You also need to get yourself some good advisors. Advisors from your own party. Also these advisors should and must have clothes. I would like to stay in touch, but I’m told you are in a very bad mood. This I’ve gauged from the fact that you tried to eat your pajamas at the press conference that announced the handover of power. I’m also told that you are a tad disappointed with me. This can be gauged from the fact that you said you want me tied to four horses and pulled in different directions. Let me assure you there is no need for that. I am, I must tell you, an expert horseman quite capable of riding the horses. So please, there is no need to tie me to them in this case. All in all, it’s been an enjoyable relationship. Thank you and wish you the best.
P. S: Mr Col. Prez. what would you like me to do with all your naked photographs? I have over 5, 000 of them, and there must be some way to put them all to good use?
Yours faithfully
( )
Shampoo didn’t sign off on the email, as he felt, as he usually did, too much information was very harmful to all concerned parties.
The ancient Sumerians have a saying that dates back 3, 000 years. ‘No critic can a film make’. This also explains why till today no ancient Sumerian has won a BAFTA or even a Golden Globe, let alone an Oscar. A week after the new government was formed, Paul Huskee found himself beset with problems. The new President Ja
y Huskee had fallen in love with a Latvian model and had made up his mind to follow her to Latvia which would have at least made a little sense if she had heard about him. To make sure the government didn’t fall, Mr D’Souza was made head of the Ball and Socket Party, which meant he now became the President of GYAANDOSTAAN. This meant GYAANDOSTAAN had four Presidents in seven days, a world record. The good thing about Mr D’Souza’s accession was that he had no idea that he’d been made President and Paul Huskee decided for the sake of stability in government nobody should inform him of the same for at least a year.
How they arrived at D’Souza for President is an interesting story. It all began when Jay Huskee was arrested for repeatedly stalking the Latvian woman. After Gomango, BooBoo, and Bosh had the charges dropped on grounds of insanity (the Latvian woman’s), Paul Huskee realized they needed a more viable option for leader.
And while Jay Huskee was packing his bags for a new life in Latvia, which he erroneously thought included the above mentioned Latvian woman, the Ball and Socket’s inner circle sat down to solve the dilemma. And yes, scientifically no Ball and Socket should have an inner circle, no doubt, but in this case they needed to strengthen their hold on GYAANDOSTAAN before Jay Huskee started making Col. Jagee look good.
As Jay Huskee was still around, Paul had all the windows left open, in silent hope. So who should be nominated for President? The candidates and the minions researched long and hard. They argued back and forth. Finally, after all arguments and debates were played out, they decided to go by the Abraham Constitution which states that in such a tight situation the responsibility should go to the person or persons who didn’t attend the meeting. So, it was that the newly crowned China superstar Mr D’Souza received the highest position in GYAANDOSTAAN, and just because he was ignorant of the fact still took nothing away from the enormity of the feat. And as the ancient Sumerians are likely to say (though generally in ancient Sumerian), ‘The best leader is he who hasn’t yet been informed that he is the leader’. And Mr D’Souza should know because whatever he said simply sounded like ancient Sumerian.
Now Mr D’Souza was not an elected member of Parliament, but according to the GYAANDOSTAANI constitution, as long as he got himself through any by-election within 2 years of assuming office, he could continue his good work at the top.
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The swearing in ceremony was another thing all together. During Mr Gomango Bosh’s opening investiture ceremony, he spoke of and extolled the virtues of Mr D’Souza. Since this was a pure work of fiction, there was laughter all around. It must be said that some were moved to tears. Moved to tears by their unquenchable laughter. Two moments stand out: When Gomango Bosh spoke of Mr D’Souza as the ‘most well-read citizen of GYAANDOSTAAN’, people were doubling up in mirth. When he described Mr D’Souza as ‘China’s most popular celebrity’, many fell off their chairs laughing. Mr D’Souza, seated on the dias bang in the centre and on the right of Gomango Bosh, was, as usual, fast asleep though the festivities.
The fun really just started when he was woken up and taken to the podium which he promptly cleaned, and then returned to his seat. The second time around he was made to adopt the posture and take oath of office. The posture meant raising of the right leg, right hand, and right eyebrow simultaneously. This tradition dates back to another Alexander the Great moment. Alex was said to have adopted this posture just before his second bath. (Alexander was a notorious non-bather, but found the dusty clime of GYAANDOSTAAN quite unbearable and so insisted on bathing 3 times a day, twice with soap and often in the middle of a pitched battle. ) Legend has it, not satisfied by the soap served by a cook of GYAANDOSTAANI descent, he stood with his right foot on the fellow’s back and admonished him sternly. It is said that so irritated was Alexander with this person that his right eyebrow was arched hideously high throughout his rant. Legend has it that the right eyebrow never descended long after this incident took place. It may also explain why in Central Asia, boys born with one eyebrow on top of the other are often named Alexander.
Mr D’Souza finally took the oath which read, ‘I, Mr D’Souza, as leader of the GYAANDOSTAAN nation, do solemnly pledge to conduct myself with honour, truth, valour, and integrity while leading myself and my people away from temptation and into the security of sovereignty and freedom. This I swear, by God.’
Mr D’Souza’s speech should have taken 9 seconds. Try it yourself, dear reader. Read this passage and time yourself. 9 seconds, right?
D’Souza was forced to repeat himself 29 times as no one was sure of what he had said. He initially appeared to talk of cleaning new watering holes for elephants somewhere down the line. It appeared to be more on the lines of South East Asia on a shoestring budget. It seemed to take a turn for the worse, when his oath was about the contribution of earwax to a developing nation’s economy. Exasperated and desperate, Paul Huskee produced a medical certificate saying that Mr D’Souza had laryngitis and so requested the house that he take oath on the new President’s behalf. The house concurred quickly as Mr D’Souza was now quite unbearable. After the oath was completed, Mr D’Souza was placed on his chair by 4 people. Whilst seated, he continued to assume the position of one leg, one arm, one eye raised. GYAANDOSTAAN had earned a new government under a new leader. No point telling you about Mr D’Souza’s first interview as President that ran on the state television. That it took 3 days to complete didn’t make the 10 minute interview any more worthwhile to watch.
But as Col. Jagee set in the West of GYAANDOSTAAN, a new star arose in her East—Mr D’Souza. The new President, of course, had one clear advantage over all his contemporaries. He had no idea he was the President of GYAANDOSTAAN.
It was the famous Russian revolutionary B. L. S. Trotsky who in his famous book Oh Crap! I’ve Made a Huge Mistake said, ‘Governing is worse than gardening, and in gardening at best you can talk to your plants.’ Paul Huskee and gang soon got down to the business of governance. They found that Col. Jagee had left them a rich legacy, a rich legacy of debt. The Canadian government was owed 100 million Ragoos and with the change in government, as always happens, Canada started asking. The debt continued. 75 million from the World Bank, 90 million from Japan. A pipeline that was in the pipeline for the last 16 years with Azerbaijan, whose investment of close to 60 million could not be returned. Rice from India, IT from China, ball bearings from Switzerland..
The Ball and Socket were suitably impressed. Col. Jagee had buried the country in debt. Strangely, as long as he was in power, the creditors hadn’t been calling. But now the phone and emails were flying thick and fast. No one had warned Paul Huskee about the futility of governance. If only he had gotten a chance to speak to Trotsky!
Let’s now sit in on a conversation of the cabinet, inventors of the GYAANDOSTAANIS’ insurmountable debt. The coterie sat around Paul Huskee’s oak table in the old Ball and Socket office. They had refused to move into Col. Jagee’s old office—the official Presidential workplace. This was for two good reasons. Firstly, it was quite a distance away and secondly, Col. Jagee still occupied it and wasn’t planning on leaving any time soon. Bella Terrace seemed the most agitated. While all eyes were on Amama, the planner, the visionary, it was Ray Chow who did all the talking.
Ray Chow: ‘We could run.’
Bella Terrace: ‘Run?’
Ray Chow: ‘Yes, we could abandon ship and just run. They love Mr D’Souza in China. We could all move there, lock, stock, and two smoking barrels (keep in mind this phrase was used by Ray Chow well before a British filmmaker made a popular film with the same title). The situation is helpless anyway, we can’t stem the debt.’
Shabbir Hoosein: ‘I agree. I still can’t give you a cumulative number, but the debts are unanswerable. As a country, we don’t exist. So yes, Ray’s right, except I think we should go to South Africa and settle there.’
Paul Huskee: ‘Why South Africa?’
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