Compass

by Jeanne McDonald

  “Alexis?”

  At the sound of the man’s voice, Alexis jumped to her feet, wiping the tears from her face. In the dark corner, she caught the sight of a cigarette being put out against the wall. Declan stepped out of the darkness, a weary expression on his face.

  “Declan!” Alexis exclaimed, throwing herself into his arms. Declan encompassed her in his warm embrace. He silently rocked her, letting her cry into his shoulder.

  “It’s okay, Lex,” he whispered, taking on Ryan’s nickname for her. “It’s okay. Ryan’s going to be okay.”

  “I can’t...I can’t…”

  Declan shushed her, petting her matted hair. “You can.”

  “No! I can’t. I try to shut it all out, to do my job, but I can’t.”

  “You’re cutting yourself short, Lex. You’re strong, or he wouldn’t have fallen in love with you. You forget, I’ve known Ryan along time. I’ve watched him with other women.” Declan cupped both sides of her face in his hands. His green eyes pierced hers, dark and handsome, but lacking the luster of Ryan’s eyes. “Never once did I see him light up as he does with you. Lex, you’re his world. No other woman had a chance because you’ve always held his heart. Now,” he pressed his hand over her chest. “Follow your heart. It’ll guide you to him.”

  “My compass.” Her voice was tight and thick with grief. She reached into her pocket and withdrew the simple toy. In the palm of her hand, the dim light cast a dark shadow over the compass. Even though she couldn’t see the dial, she felt secure simply having it.

  Declan glanced down, taking the compass between two fingers. He smiled, refraining from asking her about the significance of the toy. Instead, he held it up in the light to examine the face.

  “Ryan gave it to me,” she admitted.

  “Fitting,” Declan hummed. “After all, he’s your one true north.”

  He placed the compass back in her hand. Alexis clasped her fingers around the toy, her eyes clenched closed. She dropped her hand to slip the compass back into her pocket, but managed to miss the opening. The toy fell to the ground, clanking against the concrete. Panic swirled up inside her. She and Declan both dived to retrieve the compass, almost hitting heads. They chuckled and Declan held up his hand, to request she allow him. She nodded her understanding.

  Declan reached down, retrieving the tiny toy. He blew across the face, dusting it off. “Not a scratch on it,” he chuckled, “well, at least not a new one.” He slipped the compass into her pocket for her this time. “Be careful with this. It’s the guide to your heart.”

  Alexis wrapped her arms around him, holding on to the only anchor she had in that chaotic world. “Thank you so much.”

  “I’m your friend, Alexis,” he stated with a smile. “That’s what friends are for.”

  “So, you’re finally accepting that we’re only friends?” she teased.

  “A guy has to accept defeat at some point.” He quirked her a grin. “Beside, I’ll still tell the world you claimed I was the best sex you ever had.”

  Alexis smacked his chest, laughing. It felt good to laugh. A release of energy that opened the door for hope. “Yes, but no one would ever believe you.”

  Declan tapped the side of his nose. “But I can still brag.” A moment of silence hung between them. He pushed her hair back from her face. “I hear you’re the one who found Kix.”

  Alexis nodded. “More like he found us.”

  “Then that means Ryan wasn’t too far away. Okay?”

  Again she nodded, wiping tears that seeped down her face.

  “I’ll be right here. Go back inside and find our boy.”

  Alexis patted her pocket, feeling the compass against her hip. “I won’t stop ‘til I find him.”

  Alexis pushed up on the tips of her toes, kissing Declan on the cheek. He smelled of cigarette smoke, after shave, and the fresh night air. With a quick hug and a promise to keep him informed, she returned to the building, where she’d set out to search for her one true love, determined to find him at all costs.

  Returning to the ER, Alexis glanced down at her watch. Two hours had already come and gone since she and Mary parted ways.

  Was it possible Mary had found him?

  Alexis rushed to the location where she was supposed to meet her friend. She skidded to a stop. Her heart sank at the sight before her. Rows and rows of beds lined the walls where she and Mary had last seen one another. Doctors and nurses gathered around gurneys, tending to patients. Alexis bounced up and down in an attempt to see over their heads with little success.

  She growled in aggravation, stomping her feet. Pushing through people, she searched for a familiar face.

  About ready to give up and get back to work, she heard her name being shouted above the noise. The sound of her name being called renewed her hope. She shoved through the sea of people, yelling back and waving her arms in the air for Mary to see her.

  The masses parted. Like a beacon in a storm, there stood a tired and worn Mary. Her blonde hair was covered with a surgical cap and her facemask dangled around her neck. A timid smile turned up her lips and her eyes watered at the sight of her companion. Alexis sprinted forward, unable to get to Mary fast enough. The two women collided into one another, breathless and in tears. They embraced each other, swaying back and forth.

  “Have you found him?” Alexis cried. Her tears mixed with the blood on Mary’s scrubs.

  “No. There’s too many of them.”

  Alexis pulled from Mary’s embrace. She wiped her knuckles under her nose, bobbing her head. “Maybe he’s at another hospital. Dale did say all hospitals in this area are on alert.”

  Mary scratched her head, misaligning the cap on her scalp. “I don’t know. I guess anything’s possible.”

  A fresh swarm of paramedics rushed into the hospital, bringing more injured patients. The body count appeared to be never ending. “Jesus Christ!” she swore, pressing her palms to her skull. “This is crazy!” The mass amount of people entering the emergency room didn’t stop her from stepping into action. She’d taken a professional oath to serve and do no harm, but also a personal one to find Ryan. They both mattered.

  “Alexis?”

  “Hmm?” Alexis responded, staring at the new gurneys being rushed in. She blinked, refocusing her attention on what was being said to her.

  “I asked if you need me to call his parents?”

  Alexis looked into Mary’s eyes, a little confused by her suggestion.

  “Why would we do that?” she asked, dazed.

  “I’m sure they’ve been contacted by the airline,” Mary noted. “But, it might be nice if one of us calls them. You know, to let them know what’s happening here.”

  Alexis scratched the back of her neck, still watching the throngs of gurneys being rolled in. “But there’s no news of his whereabouts as of yet,” she stated, wringing her hands together. “We can’t call them until we find him.”

  “I just thought they might like to hear your voice, Lexi. This has to be scaring the shit out of them. I know it is me. And I can’t begin to imagine what you’re feeling.”

  A wave of misery washed over Alexis. “I don’t want to think right now,” she choked. “And I can’t call them. Not until I know for certain he’s okay.” Dismay and terror swirled inside her head. She pushed it down, deep into her gut, forcing the pain to cease. It was the only way she could get herself back on track. She lifted her eyes to meet Mary’s gaze. “We can’t stop.” She pointed around the room. “These people need us.” In a little whisper, she added, “He needs us.”

  Mary gripped Alexis by her shoulders. “Okay.” She forced a smile on her face. “Let’s get back to work.”

  Alexis pulled Mary into a hug. “Thank you.”

  Mary patted her back. “Of course.”

  “Oh, and Declan’s here. I ran into him outside smoking. Did you know he smokes?”

  A somber chuckle cut through Mary’s lips. “I knew he used to. Guess the stress is getting to him. No
t that I blame him.”

  “Neither do I.” Alexis pulled a fresh pair of gloves over her hands, ready to get back to finding Ryan.

  “There you two are,” Dale called out. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you. I expected you to check in hours ago.”

  Alexis and Mary whipped around to find Dale stalking toward them. He appeared as exhausted as they felt. “We couldn’t find you,” Mary fibbed.

  “So we went straight to work,” Alexis added.

  Dale nodded, accepting their answer without consideration. “Fine, fine,” he mumbled. “Alexis, can we talk?”

  From the look in Dale’s eyes, Alexis had a sneaking suspicion she knew what he wanted. Ryan must’ve been found. Feeling Mary’s eyes on her, Alexis pulled her gloves off her hands and tossed them in the trash. “Of course,” she replied, “Is it about Ryan? Has he been found?”

  Dale took a deep breath, glancing between the two women. His eyes swam with tears. “There’s no easy way to put this, so I’m going to be frank,” he started. “A new load has arrived, all fatalities. Among them were a couple of crew members.” He licked his lips and blinked back the tears. “I’m so sorry, Lexi, but one is believed to be Ryan. I need you to accompany me to the morgue to identify the body.”

  Alexis wrapped her arms over her stomach, her chest heaved as tears exploded from her. She clenched her teeth together, trying desperately to breathe, but all of the air in the building seemed to have been sucked out the instant Dale suggested Ryan was dead.

  Frozen in place, Alexis tried to think. She tried to move, but couldn’t.

  It wasn’t possible. It couldn’t be. This had to be a cruel joke. Images of Ryan flashed through her mind. His smile. The sound of his laughter. That insatiable sweet tooth of his. Even the way his eyes would roll back when he reached his climax. All of these little things, things she’d never noticed with anyone else, but with him seemed great and noteworthy.

  Mary wrapped her arms around Alexis. “I’m so sorry, Lexi,” she whispered, her voice filled with tears.

  A jagged breath couldn’t drown out the sound of her heart breaking in her chest. This had to be some cruel cosmic joke. After all those years of being separated, to find one another in one of the oddest places, to falling in love, only to have him taken away from her, there was no doubt about it. This simply had to be a joke.

  Breathe, Alexis coached herself. Just breathe. She swallowed back the lump that was forming in her throat.

  “I’ve contacted Ryan’s family. They gave permission for you to identify him,” Dale explained further.

  “We were just talking about contacting them,” Mary confirmed. She squeezed Alexis tight, but Alexis felt so numb that even the pressure of Mary’s hug was empty.

  Alexis rolled her shoulders, popping her neck. Nothing could break through the numbness in her soul. Helplessness boiled beneath her skin.

  “Alexis are you all right? You look awfully pale. Would you like to sit down?” Mary asked.

  “No,” Alexis croaked. “I’m fine. I need to see him.”

  Dale shook his head. “We can wait ‘til his family gets here,” he offered. “I really think you might need to─”

  “I’m fine,” Alexis interrupted, her tone obstinate. She straightened her back, forcing her chin out in a stubborn angle. “Please, take me to him.”

  The room started to spin. She felt nothing but the pounding of her blood pulsing through her veins. Reaching into her pocket, Alexis withdrew the tiny red compass. She glanced down at the toy and for the first time since Ryan had given it to her, it didn’t point north. It was as if, in that moment, the compass knew that her one true north was gone. The compass could never point her back to Ryan because her heart was gone.

  Tears burned her eyes, as she squeezed the plastic figure tight in her hand. “Mary, will you come with me?” she wept.

  “Absolutely, Sweetheart.”

  “Follow me,” Dale instructed the two women, turning around on his heel.

  As they walked, Alexis found her mind wandering back to when they were children. How much he had changed over the years, yet after all that time, he was still the same sweet boy from across the street that had stolen her heart during their youth. The same boy who always had something sugary in his hand. The boy who would light up whenever they were together. He was the boy who loved books and enjoyed music. The same boy who could make her laugh when she wanted to cry. He was the boy who held her hand at her sister’s funeral. The boy who stood beside her when she faced moving to New York. However, Ryan was more than a boy, now. He was a man. The man who made her realize that love wasn’t a weakness. It was her strength. Ryan was the man she fell in love with. The boy was only a memory.

  Not a word was spoken between the three of them as they travelled through the halls of the hospital, taking the elevator down to the basement, to the morgue. When they arrived at the morgue door, they were greeted by the medical examiner.

  “Alexis, you’ll have to go in alone,” Dale advised.

  Unable to speak, Alexis simply nodded her head. She swallowed hard, staring at the cold, metal doors that led into the morgue.

  “I’ll be right here,” Mary said, squeezing Alexis’ hand.

  Giving it a return squeeze, Alexis released her friend’s grasp, letting her hand fall limp at her side. The coroner opened one of the double doors, holding it for Alexis to follow him. “This way, Doctor,” his deep voice instructed.

  She trudged into the room; each step feeling weighted, as if she were facing her own execution. Her mind now void of anything but her surroundings, she walked just beyond the door and glanced over her shoulder. Mary and Dale were holding one another, watching her. Their eyes filled with tears and their lips trembled.

  The morgue door closed with a thud. The very sound made her jump. She turned her head and settled her focus on the room. The walls of the morgue were tiled from the ceiling to the floor in pure, glossy white. Sterile chemicals filled her nostrils, burning her nose with each breath she took. Lined in perfect rows were trays of bodies covered in white sheets. It occurred to her that each tray held the body of someone’s loved one.

  Step by step, Alexis followed the coroner down the aisle. With each metal tray they passed, a sense of desperation swelled inside her. Any one of these people could be Ryan. Horror struck her that his body, his beautiful face could be lying on one of these slabs. He deserved more than a cold metal table to lie on. It made her sick inside to think he was in this dreary place.

  Could it be possible that I’ll never see his smiling face again?

  She chewed her bottom lip, her fingers clenched shut. Her shoulders dropped. All of the pent up emotions, everything she’d tried not to allow to interfere with her job, was ever present.

  How could she survive knowing he would never be there to rescue her again? How could she live with herself, knowing that she would never touch him or smell his cologne on her skin again? Did she tell him enough that she loved him? Was it ever possible to tell him enough?

  Her heart screamed out her love for him, aching to feel his breath on her skin or to see his warm eyes staring into her face once more. He was gentle. Kind. Possessive. And hers. The years may have separated them, but time could never take away the love she held for him.

  The room started to spin with each wave of emotion that poured over her. He couldn’t be gone. He had to be alive. He’d promised her he’d never let her fall and she was falling now more than ever.

  Pull yourself together, York. You’re a professional. You’ve seen people die thousands of times. Hell, you were there when Cora died. This is no different.

  But she was wrong.

  This was different.

  Cora had been special to her and she still carried the grief of her loss, but Ryan had been there to hold her together when her sister passed. Who would be there for her now? She would be alone.

  Ryan was the other half of her soul. That was why she could never fully let him go, why she kep
t the compass all those years, and why she could never give her heart to another. He was the piece of her heart that was never hers to give. His love was infinite and finite. It was beyond the realms of nature. His love was everything.

  The coroner stopped in front of a table near the end of the row. “If you’ll please step over here,” he instructed, extending his hand to where he wished for her to be.

  Squeezing her fists into a tight ball, Alexis realized she’d been holding the compass in her palm the entire time. She looked down at the small plastic object. The dial spun around and around, in constant motion. It felt as lost as she did.

  Alexis slipped the compass back into her pocket and walked around to the side of the table. Chills beveled her skin, making her hair stand on end. The heart in her chest had practically stopped beating. The medical examiner stepped in front of her. “I don’t think I need to explain to you how this works,” he said.

  For the first time, Alexis looked at the man that had been her guide. He was rather short for a man, standing only a few inches taller than her. The sterile lighting in the room washed out his caramel colored skin and his brown eyes, while warm, had lost their sense of humanity after working among lifeless bodies for so long. On his scrubs, hung his name badge, Doctor Joseph McCall.

  Nodding her head, Alexis’ eyes moved over the covered form in front of her. It was obviously a male figure about Ryan’s height. The facial profile was defined, much like his, but it was hard to tell with the sheet over it. Her mouth pooled with metallic liquid. She tried to swallow but her throat felt tight and closed.

  Prepared for the worst, at least she thought she was, Alexis watched as Doctor McCall gripped the corners of the sheet between his fingers. The cover lifted from the man’s face, revealing the person underneath.

  For a moment she stared at the body, cold and emotionless. Her mind didn’t register what she was looking at. She couldn’t move. The world had physically ceased to exist for her.

  Then all at once, every emotion that had been void and vacant swelled forth. Alexis buckled forward in a flood of tears. She thought she had prepared herself, but the truth was, nothing could have prepared her for this.